First Reply Pleasantries (Open to a Jedi)

[Amani Serys]

Vonnuvi Enclave, Courtyard
Open to a Jedi​

---

It was difficult for an artificial environment to equate to a real natural landscape, but the constructions of the Ithorians certainly came close. The Vonnuvi herdship was a welcome departure from typical space travel any time Amani came on board. It had served her as a second home for some time, and now, it bore the fruits of her labor. The Enclave she had created was flourishing; Still small in number, but dedicated and fulfilling. They had forged a strong relationship with their Herdship hosts, and brought significant help to their relief efforts. It was a symbiotic union, one that she hoped to see grow ever more.

Amani was taking a break from her typical visitations for a bit of alone time. The meditation room would probably fulfill that better, but being out in the courtyard, where she could see the sky, smell the greenery, and feel the air, was what she really needed. The Chief Healer sat cross-legged and shut-eyed in a patch of grass. In front of her was a tea set, and behind her, a small fountain was trickling into an artificial pond.

The space in front of her was notably open— A silent invitation for another to join her in mediation, a drink, and perhaps a bit of discourse.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Amani Serys

Gatz was exhausted. Completely.

In an effort to address his struggles with the curriculum since returning to the Order, and to further his studies in the medical field, Gatz had opted to come to the Vonnuvi Enclave for an indeterminate amount of time. What better place to learn Force Healing, after all, than at the Enclave the Chief Healer herself had founded?

And it had helped. Mostly. Force Healing was still a bust for him, but he had learned a lot more about medicine from the classes held here. If being a Jedi fell through, he now had a fallback plan as a doctor, or at least a nurse.

But the sheer amount of time he'd dedicated to his studies was slowly killing him. It wasn't just healing he was learning. He also had to catch up with his fellow Padawans, and that was going just as poorly. Most of them had seamlessly transistioned from Youngling to Padawan. He'd left the Order before his Youngling training had been completed, and then returned fifteen years later.

He was struggling just to catch up while his peers—actual children—were moving on with their lessons.

That was what had him crossing the courtyard this morning, dead on his feet. There was another lecture today, and this one was actually being held on the topic of Force Healing. Maybe it wouldn't change much. The last few classes hadn't. But Gatz wasn't willing to give up on this goal, even if it meant only getting four hours of sleep every night.

He was halfway across the courtyard when he spotted her: the Jedi Master who had set him on this path, even if she didn't know it.

Gatz stopped cold. He wanted to approach. There were a dozen things he wanted to say to her: questions he needed addressed, guidance he could sorely use, gratitude that he wanted to express. But she looked so peaceful—which he was almost jealous of—and even though the spot in front of her looked like it was open for another, he couldn't quite bring himself to sit down.

So he just stood there, looking at her like a deer in headlights. Like a moron.

 

[Amani Serys]

So focused on her inner self, Amani did not register the presence of another nearby. Her attention was on her thoughts, her posture, the grass beneath her and the water behind her. It all lent to the state she had put herself in, while everything else was shut out. Other Jedi passed by, on their way to a class to any other destination, but they too went unnoticed, and typically kept their distance so as to not distract, even as some others noticed the open invitation.

Sooner or later, Amani figured, someone would ask to join. But if no one did, that was okay too.

More tea for her, after all.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Amani Serys

Master Serys-Organa was so absorbed in her trance that she didn't even seem to know he was there. That was good. That meant he hadn't disturbed her. That meant he could go along his merry way and leave her to her peace. And Gatz was willing to bet that the Chief Healer probably didn't get as much of that as she deserved. So what right did he have to disturb her?

It was astounding, how he could stand there like a statue and feel so timid. He was not a timid man. Never had been. Hell, he used to shoot people in bars, and then continue on with his drink.

He supposed it had to do with the fact that he was standing in the presence of a Jedi Council member. And yet, that didn't make any sense either. He felt perfectly comfortable approaching Valery. He felt fine approaching Kahlil. Why was Master Serys-Organa—a woman who had literally taken the time away from her duties and her family to fly out to New Cov for him—so much more difficult to approach? She'd been nothing but kind to him.

And then it struck Gatz: he saw her as an authority figure. For a twenty-five year old man who had always been a rebel, that was downright wild. Even crazier was that he didn't mind that one bit, and he hated authority. Or, he had.

"Master," Gatz heard his own tired voice rasp, "forgive me for intruding... but may I join you?"

In coming to understand why approaching Master Serys-Organa felt so different from Valery, Gatz felt his trepidation and wariness fade away. Knowing that he regarded her as a Master to come to when he was in need made approaching feel comfortable.

And he was in need of many things. Guidance, mostly. And maybe affirmation too.

 

[Amani Serys]

And like the flip of a switch, Amani recognized him. His voice, his intent to approach, all suddenly registered, and she opened her eyes to greet him, "Gatz," The master regarded him, nodding towards the empty space in the grass, "Of course. Help yourself."

Amani shifted around slightly to face him, pouring herself a cup of tea, then offering the same for the cup in front of Gatz, "You wanted to discuss something?" She intuited his reason for joining her, beyond some idle chit-chat. The healer raised her cup of tea, smiled at another passing Jedi, then took a sip. She smacked her lips a few times, quenched but perhaps not quite satisfied. Amani exhaled amusedly through her nose, blowing wisps of steam off-course, "You know I like to think of myself as a tea person, but the truth is I'm really more of a caf person."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Amani Serys

With a respectful nod in her direction, Gatz approached. He lowered himself down to the spot in front of her with a tired groan. His body ached. He hadn't even done anything particularly strenuous, but he was tired and his muscles weren't getting the rest they needed. Still, becoming a Jedi was worth the exhaustion. If he had to skip out on sleep to catch up, then so be it. Nothing came without sacrifice.

Already Master Serys-Organa knew why he was here. Maybe not the exact reason, but she had clearly picked up on the fact that he was looking for guidance. But where did he even begin to explain what was going on? That alone was almost an overwhelming task, to say nothing of actually tackling his issues. In theory, he'd start his explanation with the beginning. But where was that?

Gatz was about to give up on even trying to seek help, but Master Serys-Organa's little joke about preferring caf broke through the haze of stress that shrouded his mind.

"I was always more of a whiskey person," Gatz gave a tired chuckle, "but thank you for the tea."

Gatz took a sip of his tea—admittedly not really his thing, but it was pleasant enough to continue drinking—and let out a long sigh. He had a lot of problems, and he needed a lot of guidance. But, when he thought about it, everything could be summed up in one very simple statement.

"I am... failing, Master." Gatz let out a shaky breath, and found relief in finally being able to voice his struggles, "I'm failing in just about every avenue of my Jedi training. Especially healing, but the list of topics I need help with is very long."

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani hummed a 'you're welcome' as she took another sip of her tea. She gave Gatz some time to translate his thoughts to words, which he did, admitting plainly that he was struggling greatly with Jedi training. Amani frowned slightly, and set down her cup, "I see. What is it that you think is causing you so much trouble?" The healer asked, hoping for some introspection on his part.

"You are still early in your studies. The path of a Jedi is not quick or simple. It's work that often takes people years to even reach padawan status. But if there's something to be done that might make the path easier, then it certainly ought to be addressed."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Blaster Pistol
Tag: Amani Serys

"I see. What is it that you think is causing you so much trouble?"

Ah, he knew this trick. Make him work it out himself. But Gatz would play along. She was the Jedi Master, and he was the Padawan. If this was an exercise of some sort, then she was putting him through it for a reason. And, honestly, he had thought on that question a lot already. It took him a moment to find the right words to lay it out, but he had an answer.

"Most Padawans seamlessly transitioned from being younglings. Not even a bump in the road," Gatz sighed, "meanwhile, I took a fifteen year sabbatical, and now I have to pick up where I left off when I was nine. And I... can't. Not on my own."

Force, this was mortifying. Halfway through his twenties, and he was struggling with a curriculum that children half his age were plowing through. He knew it was stupid to feel shame—everyone would tell him it was stupid to feel shame, if he admitted to feeling such—but there was more to it than just his foolish pride and ego.

"I'm not looking for an easy path," Gatz clarified, "Force knows I've never done anything the easy way. But... I can't keep up. Lessons don't make sense to me. Studying answers one question, but evokes three more—and I understand there's an importance in the struggle to find meaning and understanding in something, but it's everything. Even simple topics like our history feels like sand slipping through my fingers and—"

Gatz stopped, having realized that he'd begun to raise his voice. That stress, that feeling of being overwhelmed slammed into him once again, and he felt tears sting at his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and squeezed his eyes shut so that the Jedi Master in front of him didn't see him—a twenty-five year old man—about to break down over studies a kid could handle.

"I need... help." Gatz admitted, shame burning through him, "I need... tutoring, in just about every subject. I can only make sense of about half of what I learn from classes and instructors, and they don't have the time to answer all my questions. I have no one to turn to, and so I've been trying to make up for that by studying, but there just isn't enough time in the day to keep up."

"I don't remember the last time I got a full night's sleep. I don't even remember the last time I ate." And yet, stress kept his stomach quiet and without appetite.

 

[Amani Serys]

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself," Amani said, stirring her tea idly, "The minds of children are more… malleable. They respond better to new information. Try learning a new language as an adult, it's much harder than if you started it young." She smiled softly, "I think the Force is quite similar. It can be complicated to grasp, especially when your worldview has already been thoroughly established." It was just one of several reasons that Jedi were traditionally taken as small children for instruction. Gatz's confession gradually turned up, his voice raising with tangible frustration. It was then that she put up a hand, as if to tell him to stop. He was getting too caught up in his emotions.

"It is a teacher's job to offer such tutoring," Amani said plainly, to his request for help, "I'll gladly give what assistance I can." She was a busy woman, training a padawan, running and enclave, being on the council, being chief healer, being an Alderaanian countess. Her plate was, by all rights, full, yet so far it hadn't stopped her from finding room for a little more, "Just don't neglect your other resources as well. Instructors will help you if you reach out to them." He said he had no one to turn to, but education was a foundational aspect of the Jedi. He had more support than he realized, even if it didn't always feel like it.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Amani Serys

Lack of sleep and sustenance had made him irritable and frustrated. After his beleaguered explanation to Master Serys-Organa, Gatz took a moment to catch his breath. He took a sip of his tea, and let out a long and tired sigh. Now that he'd sat down in front of the Chief Healer... Gatz wasn't sure he could get back up. How much longer could he keep going like this? A day? A week?

As long as I have to. But by the Force, even his thoughts sounded exhausted.

What Master Serys-Organa said did make sense. Children were simply better suited to absorbing new knowledge, as their brain developed. Gatz had often wondered if that was why the Jedi traditionally started their training so young. But... he remembered having a lot of trouble even as a youngling on Coruscant. And again in public school once he'd returned home to Naboo. Bookwork had always been a struggle, but doing things with his hands had always made sense and—

Something like a light bulb went off in his head.

"Master," Gatz started slowly, "does... does the Order offer anything like, uh, I don't know, testing for learning disabilities?"

Shame burned in him even hotter then. Shouldn't he know if he had something like that? But then... when had he ever cared about his studies before? He'd never finished secondary school. He'd jumped straight into the pilot academy, and then smuggling when Dad died. And even at younger ages, he'd always been more interested in taking things apart than doing his homework or required readings.

That thought was interrupted, as Master Serys-Organa offered to tutor him. His eyes went wide.

"No, wait, I—" Gatz blinked taking a moment to find his words, "Master, I would never presume to... to expect that from you. I was trying to answer your question, not badger you into tutoring me. You already set me on this path. That's more than enough. I-I can find others to teach me how to walk it."

He knew he was being self-depreciating. And he remembered the Chief Healer chiding him about that before. But there were far more pressing things for her to do, he was sure. Head of an Enclave, Chief Healer, Jedi Council Member, and wasn't she Eloise's Master? She had enough going on. She didn't need him adding tutoring to her plate. Coming to her for help was no different than going to Valery—he was just a distraction from other, more important matters.

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani quirked an eyebrow slowly, understanding the conclusion Gatz came to, "It's something we could test, if you think it's worth investigating." It didn't happen quite as often, but even Jedi could deal with hurdles such as these. As Chief Healer, Amani had some involvement in the aspect of mental health as well, but she wasn't the specialist. Still, it was something that could be done.

She raised a palm when Gatz shut down the idea of her tutoring him, "There are resources aplenty in the Order. Use them as much as you need and see fit. The Jedi are an educational organization as much as anything else, we are here to help you and your peers succeed." Amani took a sip of tea again, nodded sagely in agreement with her own words.

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Amani Serys

"It might be nothing," boy did he hope it was nothing, "but I've always had trouble learning from books and lectures. Even as a youngling back in the Temple on Coruscant."

Master Serys-Organa tried to reassure him that there was nothing wrong with accepting her offer to help. He wasn't so blinded by self-deprecation that he couldn't agree with her. She'd told him herself back on New Cov: teaching students was part of her duty as both a Jedi Master and the Chief Healer. He was just one of probably dozens upon dozens of Padawans she'd offered tutelage to.

Why was it so hard to say 'yes' to a simple offer of help?

He wanted to say yes. He wanted her help. Gatz hadn't told her—didn't know how to express it to her—but she was the reason he'd taken the chance of coming back to the Order in the first place. Valery had inspired the idea, and planted the seed of returning in his mind, but Master Serys-Organa had erased the last of his doubts. She had given him something to aspire to be: a Jedi like her. Suturing wounds and mending bones with a gentle hand, instead of solving problems with a lightsaber in a clenched fist.

And who could better help him achieve that than her? By the Force, she was just offering to tutor him. She wasn't asking him to invent the cure to cancer! It should have been an easy decision.

You don't deserve her help, his mind, ever sinister, whispered to him. Gatz knew it was right.

But how long was he going to use his guilt as an excuse to avoid taking the next step?

"I understand," Gatz bowed his head in deference, speaking again at last, "Master, I would be honored to accept whatever help you're willing to offer. And thank you."

He wanted to add more to that. To tell her that she was the reason he was here at all. To thank her not only for her kindness and offer of support, but for showing him the path he was determined to walk down. But... not now. Someday, he would find the right words. Someday, he would make his appreciation of her known.

But today, he had to focus on the problems at hand. Gratitude would come at its appropriate time.

 

[Amani Serys]

"Better to be sure, then, if you're so inclined," Amani affirmed. She wasn't going to make him test or anything, but if he needed certain accommodations, then he by all rights ought to find out, and to receive them. She raised her tea cup again, and finished the last of it, letting out an ahh as she did.

"And I would be happy to offer it. If ever you find yourself needing that supplemental tutoring, give me a call, or stop by, and I'll offer what I can. Just don't forget to lean on the others around you as well. The more shoulders to bear the weight, the lighter the burden becomes. Besides, varying perspectives is valuable." There was a beeping noise, and she reached down to retrieve a pager of sorts, "Looks like I'm needed with the Council. Guess it's off to the conference room for me." The healer stood up, and dipped her head, "Take care, Gatz. If you'll excuse me..."

Gatz Derrevar​

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

Ship: The Red Night
Weapons: Training Saber
Tag: Amani Serys

Gatz understood that shame was useless. At least, it was in this particular situation. He needed extra help, therefore he should seek extra help, and he should be ashamed to need that extra help. That didn't mean it didn't burn in him... but he could deal with it. Fifteen years behind, his struggles with book learning, being a Padawan without a Master—the deck was stacked against him, as it usually was.

But unlike usual, Gatz wasn't willing to just roll over and lose. Not... not yet. He'd had a moment of weakness, after Cora's Knighting, where he'd considered fleeing the Order instead of working himself until he collapsed. But he'd decided against it. And correctly so. The idea of leaving—of running with his tail tucked between his legs a second time—remained in the back of his head.

But not yet. He still had a little more to give. He still had a few more options, like reaching out to Master Serys-Organa for that much needed tutoring, and there were other people who could give him help here and there. Like Cora. Cora would help.

Gatz opened his mouth to thank Master Serys-Organa once more, only to be interrupted by her... was that a pager? Didn't matter. Either way, she was needed, and he had taken up enough of her time today.

"Of course. Thank you for the guidance, Master. And for your offer of help." Gatz bowed his head, and offered the Chief Healer no resistance as she left.