There was a pause as Amani let what she was committing to sink in. It shouldn’t be a big deal. Just like
Valery Noble
had told her. She trusted him, after all. But as she realized during their night in Sanctuary City, that was exactly why she was so afraid to recount it. Amani looked between him and his outstretched hand for a moment, before gingerly taking it,
“...Okayyy…” She sighed, and blinked slowly,
“Buckle in, cause it’s a long story.” The Mirialan chuckled nervously, but quickly recomposed.
“When I was a padawan, with the Silvers, I went on a humanitarian mission to Onderon, with a friend, and our Grandmaster. The Grandmaster. We were attacked by bounty hunters working for the Sith. And I-” She singled herself out very pointedly,
“-got caught. So, to save the helpless student, our Grandmaster offered herself in exchange for letting us go.” Amani mulled over the words as they were laid out, studied the detail behind them with the years of retrospect she could now afford. It still couldn’t quite wash out the sense of failure.
“I blamed myself for a long time. Still do, I guess. But we moved forward. Even eventually got a tip off that she was going to be exchanged to the Sith Empire on Yavin. So, a strike team, myself included, went to intercept.” Amani huffed, and took a bit longer to move forward, evidently finding this a bit more difficult to get through,
“Everything went south. People got hurt, and in the end they were about to get away with her, so I made the decision to step in front of a Sith Lord.” She tapped the center of her chest, then pulled down her collar to show off more of the scar,
“That is how I got this. But I survived, because, in my anger, I tapped into the dark side.”
“So after two complete failures, I got… desperate. I saw what the darkness did for me and I figured, if I could utilize it, then I could become strong enough to fix my mistakes. Save the Grandmaster. And get… revenge.” Amani swallowed thickly,
“I was naive enough to think I could control it. And I had this plan to work my way into the Empire and infiltrate it. Someone I cared about offered to help. And as part of our plan, we were going to fight, basically tricking them into thinking my turn was genuine. What I didn’t know, was… He was actually going to sacrifice himself for the cause.” She sat there, looking as if she wanted to cry, but was unable to. There was an even longer story there, and in truth it would only make things more complicated. Especially considering he was now back to life. There was an absurdity to it all that she was almost able to appreciate now.
“I guess it worked. Because the Sith offered me a place. It became yet another thing to blame myself for. But giving up would have only made his death meaningless, so… I kept my head down. Suffered in silence for months as I tried to find the Grandmaster’s location. After a while, I think I started to give up. And I would’ve been consumed by it all if I hadn’t gotten a lucky tip off. I went into action, broke into the complex and freed her, with a whole Sith prison security detail on our heels. We got to a ship, and up the ramp I heard someone try and stop me from behind. There was a gun against my back, and in the moment I just reacted on instinct and I-” Amani cut off with a faint gasp. It was the real point she had been trying to make through this entire story. A single, simple act of violence that brought the entire house of cards crashing down.
“It was just some… guy. Not a Sith. Not a guard. A poor dockworker, just doing his job. He probably would’ve given up if I’d just bothered to threaten him. But I didn’t. I just…”
Her thousand-yard stare broke as she finally looked back at Alicio,
“That was the first time I ever killed somebody. It ate away at me for a long time. It ate away at me so much in fact, I lost my connection to the Force entirely after. It hasn't even been a year since I got it back again. It'd be a lie to say I don't still think about it sometimes.”
Amani shook her head, and let silence fill the air for a long time,
“What I did? All of those mistakes I made? The consequences? That’s why I left.” It felt like the weight should've left her chest after unloading all of that baggage, but it lingered. There was a moment of hidden panic beneath her eyes as she remembered why she was so apprehensive of telling him all of this. An underlying worry that it might ruin his perception of her. Somehow might ruin what they had. Justified or not, Amani couldn’t help but be paranoid of such a possibility.
“...Any questions?” Her voice shuddered with fearful anticipation of how he'd react, her hand ready to slink away from his at a moment's notice.
Ishani Dinn
had come to its melancholic end, she and Alicio had made a quick exit from the front lines at the Count’s behest. They had done their part, and seeing him in this state was distressing enough. The healer led him away, and put him under the care of medical personnel that had been set up outside, where he was promptly processed and triaged. Something she would have managed herself, if the fight hadn’t left her weak, and still rebuilding her Force connection. Nonetheless she remained nearby, once she had been cleared of any injuries herself.
