Private Mirror of the Past

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"That's the thing. I would have found out one way or another, but I'd rather find out now when it's easy to help, than when it's too late," she said with a growing frown, "I understand that you want to be able to stand on your own feet, and once we've gotten Kragan, you will be able to, but please... stop shutting me out." It was a request, but also a warning. She wanted to help him but if he kept her away at every opportunity and suffered as a result, there was going to be a moment when she'd give up too.

She couldn't watch more friends slip away

<Coruscant bound again. Shouldn't be more than five minutes.>

Valery kept her gaze locked on Gatz for a moment longer before turning to his droid, "When we arrive, could you handle the shopping? Get all the necessities, fill up the fridge and the cargo space we have for food, medical supplies and anything else that could be useful the coming weeks. Don't worry about the credits." She turned back to shoot Gatz a glare in case he dared to speak up against this plan.

They were going to both need the supplies, so it was time she paid for her part too.

"Anything else I should know before we head out on this mission?"

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

He wasn’t trying to shut her out, not really. Gatz was just tired of always leaning on her, and never being able to do anything for himself. But in his effort to be self-sufficient, even at the cost of his own health, he supposed he had shut her out. And that probably hurt her almost as much as seeing him starve himself did.

When was he ever going to get something right? How many times did he need Valery to tell him that she wanted to help, before he stopped feeling guilty over it? Gatz slumped back into his seat, staring at the floor once again.

“I’m sorry,” he said at last, “I’m not trying to push you away. I just… I feel like I’ve been taking advantage of you. It’s one of the many, many things that keeps me up at night.”

Valery turned away from him for a moment, to give orders to his droid. He grit his teeth as he heard them, feeling even more guilt well into his chest as she made it very clear that she was about to fill his fridge and pantry with food. That was a big expense, and one he definitely couldn’t repay her for.

To say nothing of all the other things he couldn’t repay her for.

She glared in his direction, and he shrunk even smaller, feeling like an insect under her withering gaze. Which, he supposed, was accurate. Valery might have cared for him, but in the end he was more of a burden than a friend, and she was being forced to bear him.

<Will do.> R4 agreed easily, but stopped for a moment before he rolled away. <Take it easy on him. He wakes up every morning thinking each day is going to be his last, so I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to be of sound mind.>

Gatz was embarrassed by that, but mostly because he couldn’t refute what his droid had just said. He couldn’t focus on that, though, because Valery wasn’t quite done drilling him for answers yet. Which, in her defense, was entirely fair.

“Yes, there is something else,” Gatz, almost curled in on himself, barely found the courage to speak, “Valery, there might not be any point to feeding me. I’ve barely escaped these bounty hunters by relying on quick thinking, blind jumps to hyperspace, and luck. But they’re learning. Each hunter gets closer to killing me than the last—and they are trying to kill me. I’m not going to survive another two weeks.”

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"I've told you before that you don't need to assume how I feel about the help I give to others. If you were taking advantage of me, I wouldn't be here anymore," Valery assured him before she turned to focus on his droid. Luckily he agreed to getting the supplies they needed, but he also vouched for Gatz and how much he was going through. Valery sighed and nodded in agreement, but that didn't mean she was going to change her stance entirely. Not when his current line of thinking was going to end up with him starving to death or getting killed.

It frustrated her immensely.

Turning back to Gatz, Valery listened to what he said about the bounty hunters and frowned. She had hoped that him killing or evading so many would have scared others away from even trying. But it seemed the opposite was the case — they kept coming and they were getting closer.

The bounty on his head must have gotten a lot more interesting, she assumed.

"After Hoth, maybe we should get you protection or bring you somewhere safe. I know some places where no bounty hunter is going to get you, but you'd have to lay low for a bit. Just until we bring Kragan down and lift this bounty."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

"I know. That's what I'm so afraid of." The day Valery was finished with him was fast approaching, he knew. He wanted to stave that off for as long as possible.

The hyperspace warning chimed, letting Gatz know it was nearly time to throttle down. He stood from the auxiliary seat back to the pilot's seat, looking small, deflated, and exhausted: a far cry from the confident, charming, and good humored man he usually tried to be. With little resembling joy in his movements, Gatz threw the hyperspace lever, and The Red Night shimmied back into existence around Coruscant. The trip back down to a landing pad was a short, and quiet one. The former smuggler just... didn't have it in him to speak anymore.

He made sure to lower the boarding hatch, so that R4 would know to leave and fulfill Valery's orders. He wasn't even remotely comfortable with her buying him groceries, but it was better than starving, and Gatz knew better than to argue with her. Nine times out of ten, he ended up being the one in the wrong, and she got her way.

And, usually, it was better that she got her way.

"Alright," Gatz acquiesced, but was clearly getting more and more depressed by the second, "I'll... hide."

He leaned over, bracing his elbows on his knees, and sighed. He felt emasculated. He felt like a child. And he felt like trying to go straight might have been the worst decision of his life. Sure, he could pat himself on the back and say he did something good every now and then, but what was that worth when it didn't grant him the fulfillment or happiness he desired? When his actions, taken in an effort to help others, led to starving and being the target of a man hunt.

"You know, when I went straight, I thought I was bettering my life." Gatz finally spoke up, and his voice lacked any sort of emotion or inflection, "And now I've starved myself, sold the only real home I've ever known, and there's a really good chance I'll be tortured and killed at Kragan's hands. This is the most miserable I've ever been."

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"I know. That's what I'm so afraid of."

Valery frowned but didn't say anything in response to that. She didn't like the doomsday thinking, and rather focused on actually taking steps to make things better. His life had been turned upside down from practically one day to another, especially with the bounty from Kragan. But she was also heavily intertwined now, and if she let all of the negativity get to her too much, she feared she'd slip up herself.

A mistake that could cost him his life.

So while the Red Night dropped from Hyperspace and began its path down to the planet, Valery fell into her seat again and just silently stared through the viewscreen. The ship settled down soon enough, and his droid was on its way to get the supplies she had requested. Valery knew he didn't like it, but this was not something she was going to argue about. She wasn't going to just let him starve to death.

"I know it hasn't been easy," Valery said after he spoke up. "But change is never easy, especially when it's such a big one. Things are very grim right now, but I truly believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Kragan will be dealt with, and after that, you have plenty of skills to make credits. Good pilots are not easy to find when so many died in recent wars."

She smiled faintly and let out a soft sigh. "I'm here to help too, and while I understand you'd rather be able to handle it all alone, sometimes it's just not possible. I've gone through plenty of things myself where I needed other people to help me too. There's no shame in that."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

Gatz heard Valery's words. He listened. He considered them. But they just felt so... hollow. Of course she thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel: she still had plenty in her life. He had nothing, except an Uncle who didn't like him, and his ship. He didn't have any skills, he didn't have any family in his life. The one thing he really had was the purpose Valery had given him, and that had caused all this trouble in the first place.

"You just don't get it," Gatz said simply, "you can feel optimistic, because your life is full. Mine isn't, and never has been. Even if we deal with Kragan, I'll still have nothing. No money, no home, no family. Just this ship, and I won't be able to even fuel it. I don't get to go home to my family, not like you do, because I no longer have either of those things."

Gatz somehow sunk lower into his seat. He pressed his fingers into his eyes, trying to fight off tears. He'd cried in front of Valery far too many times.

"And... I'm no pilot. If the stories about Kahlil are true, then your husband could probably outfly me on his worst day, even in this ship. And you'd blow me out of the sky in a fighter. I can't even defend myself: I gave up on my Jedi training, and the blaster on my thigh is more for show than anything. The only thing I was ever good for was smuggling, and I gave that up too."

What was he good for, really? Why did Valery even need him for Hoth? What was he doing with his life? Why didn't he just go back to smuggling, and forget all of this? Gatz's presence in the Force was a whirlwind of negative emotion, lower than anything he'd felt in a long time. Even worse than Nar Shaddaa, when he'd basically whiplashed all night. He was seconds from cracking and curling up into a ball.

“I’ve been trying to chase after your example, but I don’t have even a fraction of the skills or training you do. I keep picking fights with people like Kragan, but I can’t defend myself—or anyone—from them. I’m a smuggler, not a Jedi, and it’s time I stopped pretending otherwise.”

That was really the crux of this all, wasn't it? Gatz wanted so desperately to follow in Valery's footsteps, even if he didn't believe in the Jedi Order, and yet all he could ever do was fall flat on his face.

And so maybe he should stop, and just go back to what he was good at.

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"So, you felt more fulfilled when you were smuggling spice, then?" Valery asked bluntly as she turned to look at him. "You keep making it sound like I'm the only reason that you're doing this, and if that's true, then none of this is going to work. You can't stand on your own feet if you don't believe in this path. You can only change into the person you want to become," she said while she watched him sink even deeper into his own despair.

But she had long figured out that just trying to assure him wasn't working — it always circled back to the same argument and the same depressing mindset.

"I've already said I'd help with the fuel costs because I've also been on this ship, using it up. And comparing yourself to two pilots makes you a lesser pilot? Really? Kahlil is a good pilot because he was a smuggler too and flies very similar ships as you, so are you really surprised someone else is also good at flying? You don't need to be the best in the Galaxy to make a living off of it. Your piloting is good enough for me to have hired you back when we first met, and many others will too."

"You just refuse to see it because you can't stop comparing yourself to other people."

She looked at him and frowned, "You're not the only person who starts out having nothing. A little over a decade ago, I stepped out of stasis and had no Order I belonged to, no family and no credits either. People everywhere in the Galaxy work their way up, and you have help as well. Help you frequently ignore or turn away completely."

"The only person holding you back from getting all the things you're talking about is yourself."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

With every word, Valery poked holes into what little remained of his armor. And with every word, he sunk lower and lower. There was no comfort from her, only disappointment, and Gatz knew that was all he'd ever deserved from her. There was finally no façade between them: he was a hopeless fool, and she was finally done with it.

Should he have compared himself to two living legends? Of course not. There was nothing to be gained from that, except self-doubt. But Gatz was just so tired of being mediocre, of always being the weakest link of the chain.

But, as always, Valery never seemed to understand. How could she? When had she ever been anything but great?

"I'M TRYING!" Gatz roared, and the panels of the ship console warped and blew sparks with his fury, before it vanished and he broke out into sobs, "I'm trying to be who I want, but I'm just not good enough! I keep failing and losing, and I'm afraid I'll be left with nothing! I don't want to be a smuggler, or a pilot for hire! I just want to protect people like you do, but I can't even protect myself!"

And finally, Gatz broke down. He'd cried in front of Valery before, but it had been a silent affair, or a thing of few tears. But this was anything but that. This was sobbing: loud, shaking, blubbering sobbing. It filled the cockpit, and the ship, far more than his humor ever had. This was the true face of the man who called himself Gatz Derrevar. It was the echoes of the desperation of a man who could only see the shadows around him, and never the light that cast them.

But then, perhaps that was exactly what he deserved.

"I just want to be worth a damn!" Gatz hiccuped through his tears, "and I'm so tired of being scared and alone!"

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

While Gatz broke down, Valery's frown deepened but she continued to watch him closely. She hated seeing him like this, she hated seeing anybody like this — almost without hope and so far down a pit of despair that it seemed impossible to help them back out. She was starting to doubt herself because of it too, and whether or not she could really help him. Sure, she could keep him away from the bounty hunters and she had no doubt that Kragan was going to be handled.

But that wasn't the end of all this.

"I understand that you feel this way, Gatz, but you focus so much on the difficulties in life, while you make it much harder on yourself to solve those problems at the same time. Since the bounties started, we've made great progress to reach Kragan, and that's what you should focus on. Nothing is ever going to change your whole life around from one day to another, and you're not going to build yourself up in an instant."

"You have to take it one step at a time and conquer one challenge after another. Jekerro was one of them, and a big one, and now it's just waiting until the next step and the next. Focus on the small victories, or you're never going to feel better. Because it'll never be enough for you."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

The sobbing continued for a few minutes after Valery spoke, exacerbated by the fact that she cared more for stopping a criminal than she did safeguarding the few things he still had left to value in life. But, eventually, his shuddering stopped. Not thanks to any comfort from his friend, because she had withheld it. All she had done was continue to lecture him, and dismiss how he felt. Just like Nar Shaddaa.

His disappointment and hurt flowed through the Force, both undeniably targeted at her. The pedestal was finally broken.

"Getting Kragan, and making sure I don't go back to smuggling," Gatz's voice was hoarse after crying, "is that all you care about? Because you asked me not to shut you out, and so just now I didn't, but then all you did was dismiss my fears and problems. If this ship—the only home I have left—was destroyed in the process of catching Kragan, would you even care that I would be left homeless? Or would you call that one of your "small victories?""

R4 chimed in briefly, to let them both know he was on his way back with a few hover pallets of food. With a couple of breaths, Gatz collected himself, but the look on his face was undeniably broken.

"Thank you for feeding me," Gatz's voice was hollow and flat, and he stood from his seat, "I just wish you actually gave a damn about how I'm feeling. I sold my home for this. I just admitted to you how lonely I am without my family, something I've never felt brave enough to tell anyone before. And you just... don't care. My uncle is more of a comfort than you, and he ran me off Naboo and left me to die in space."

Gatz looked Valery in the eye, his usually bright blue eyes dull, and sunken. She didn't seem so great anymore. Then he walked out of the cockpit, shoulders sagged, and a dead look in his eyes. He didn't much care about whether or not he starved anymore, but R4 couldn't unload those pallets himself.

"Let's go. We have work to do."

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"No, we're not doing this mission anymore."

She looked at him with a frown, hurt clear in her eyes as she looked at him, "You're not listening at all to what I said. Stopping Kragan is not all I care about, but you can clearly not live properly until he is taken care of. You only think in problems but I'm trying to help you focus on small steps that don't seem impossible to work towards, and that is the most important one for you to focus on right now."

She let out a sigh and seemed to push back some of her own frustrations sparked by the accusations he was making. "If you really don't think I care after everything I've done to try and help you, then you're really just blind. And if you believe I'd leave you homeless when I've just offered everything I could to stop you from starving and running out of fuel, then..." She stopped herself and turned around towards the door.

"Your feelings are valid, Gatz, and I understand that you feel lonely. But why do you push me away so much when that's the case? I've invited you to my home and asked you to do things more common to normal life when I wanted to just grab coffee. The only reason we haven't is because you showed up at my doorstep nearly dead. I've been focusing us on Kragan so you don't have to live in fear for the rest of your life. So you don't have to feel lonely anymore."

"But apparently, I don't give a damn about you." She frowned and turned her gaze away. "After the supplies are on board, I'm going to head back to the Temple. It's not a good idea to bring you into this mission right now."

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

Gatz stopped in the hall, and listened as Valery spoke. Considered her words again. As hollow as he was, as lacking in anything even remotely close to feeling as he was, her words actually did start to make a little bit of sense. His brow furrowed. He still didn't like how dismissive she'd been at first, but he could see the value in trying to make him focus on the positives, as small as they were.

"I understand what you were trying to do, but I didn't need a lecture or a lesson," Gatz said quietly, "and I don't need you to tell me what I'm allowed to focus on. After three long weeks of experiencing near death every day, I just wanted a hug from a friend, and a few minutes to cry on her shoulder. I needed her to let me vent, and reassure me. I didn't need her to be so impersonal."

He sat down on a crate in the cargo bay. An empty one of course, he couldn't haul freight with the way his situation was right now. Gatz let out a long sigh, hoping it would ease the pain in his chest, but of course it didn't. He had no idea what was going to become of their friendship now, but he supposed it didn't matter. He'd be dead soon anyways.

"You wouldn't leave me homeless. That was out of line. I know you care about my physical wellbeing," he spoke again, more level this time, "but sometimes I feel like you don't care about my emotional wellbeing. And I guess that's why I always try to push you away. The way you talk to me sometimes, the way you try to address my problems... it can make me feel less like I'm your friend, and more like I'm just your Jedi duty. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it often upsets me."

But there was one more thing he had to do. And Valery wouldn't like it. Gatz grabbed his comlink from his jacket pocket.

"Arfour, stay put for a moment," Gatz spoke into it, before he tucked it away, "Valery, you're well within your right not to bring me to Hoth. But I won't accept your charity. I want your help, but you have to let me earn it. I need to do something for you, after everything you've done for me."

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"I need time to think," Valery said after a moment of listening to his side of it. "Like this, I can't go on a serious mission. I'll go to Hoth later and you..." she paused and sighed. "I won't try to tell you what to do anymore. You can accept the offer to receive protection or you can be out and about wherever you wish." She looked over her shoulder with a pained expression and gestured for the comm.

"I've been here using supplies and being flown around while we've worked, so it's not charity. You paid for the VIP tickets too. So accept at least what I owe you for that, and if you don't want to take anything more, that's your decision." She turned back to the door, drew in a deep breath, and spoke up once more.

"You have my contact details, so let me know if you need anything or if something happens with the bounties. I'm going to prepare some more for when it's time to confront Kragan." With that said, Valery was ready to head back to the Temple for now — unless Gatz wanted to add anything else — so she could meditate and figure out the way forward.

But she couldn't stay here any longer.

 

[Gatz Derrevar]

​

"You've finally lost faith in me too," Gatz sighed, "but I understand. I was never worthy of it in the first place."

Gatz understood what this was: the breakdown of their friendship. Oh, she was still offering to help. Of course she was, she was a Jedi. But on a personal level, he was certain she was done with him. His despair returned, as strong as ever, filling the empty space of the cargo hold. He would die, and he would do so without anyone mourning him. But he always knew that was how he would go.

Everyone left him eventually. And it was usually his own fault.

"Arfour, bring the pallets onboard. I'll unload them," Gatz accepted Valery's logic with a sigh, despair still the only thing fueling him, "you mentioned you knew of places to hide. Tell me of one, and I'll lay low like you asked."

For as long as that mattered, anyways. He was still sure to be dead within the next few days. But maybe he could have a few relative days of peace before Kragan's bounty hunters finally caught up to him.

Or maybe he should just go to Kragan right now, and be done with it.

Despair vanished in an instant, replaced by resolution and determination. No matter what he did, how hard he fought, or how long he ran... Kragan was going to catch up to him eventually. Maybe it was time to just give in. Maybe it was time to stop being afraid of the inevitable. Whatever Kragan was going to do to him, Gatz deserved it for the way he'd lived his life before he met Valery.

Maybe Kragan was his penance, and it was time he faced that. Funny, how much that made sense now. And how certain he felt of that action. But that had to be kept to himself.

---

Tags: Valery Noble

 

[Valery Noble]

Coruscant Spaceport

​

Outfit: Factory Link | Wedding Ring
Appearance: Link
Weapons: Blasters | Lightsaber
Tag: Gatz Derrevar

"Lost faith? No, but I do fear that you've lost all faith in yourself, and right now, I'm not sure what to do but give you some time alone, while I take some as well," Valery said with a sigh. Even when he had walked into her apartment half-dead, she hadn't gotten the impression he was this rock bottom. So while a part of her wanted to talk more, she felt it'd be best not to do it right now. There was too much emotion, and it just wasn't going to make anything better.

So instead, she wanted him to think about his life and the future on his own for a bit, especially after what he had told her just now. What role she was going to play in the rest of this story, she didn't know, but she was going to help bring down Kragan. Both to help him and to make sure he could never harm anybody else again.

"Head to New Cov. It's a jungle planet where people live in domed cities because the jungle is incredibly lethal. But somewhere hidden in the jungle is a Temple that usually doesn't have many Jedi walking around. It used to be my Enclave before my time in stasis," Valery said. "You can bring your ship there and freely travel to the cities too. You'll be most safe at the Temple though, as even the Sith could never find it."

With that said, Valery turned for the door and only paused to look over her shoulder one more time, "Please take good care of yourself, Gatz. I'll see you again soon."