Private Lingering Doubts

[Jax Thio]

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Location: Room of a Thousand Fountains, Coruscant​

Equipment: Jedi Robes, Jax's Lightsaber​

Tag: Jairdain​

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Jax rarely visited The Room of a Thousand Fountains he never found the time to do so, the Fountains were a place where troubled Jedi would enter and mediate taking in the rare and fresh flora that was decorated across the room and of course the ebb and flow of the waterfalls crashing against the built in rivers. The Room was like a spa for the Jedi a place where they freshen themselves up and reconnect with the force. There was a lot of things on Jax's mind such as what had happened in Korriban and his training Gaias as soon as Jax landed at the Jedi Temple, his blood ran cold when he realized that he needed to find out the reasons behind the Sith Academy massacre. So many things to do and none of which will lead to an answer that Jax liked. The war against the Sith was slowly becoming unpopular with the citizens who felt that the Jedi are just dragging them to a war about them. If something like slaughter of children somehow got leaked.​

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The Jedi sighed entering the Room of Thousand Fountains, he was greeted with the fresh scent of flowers and enjoyed the crashing of the many waterfalls. "Strong focus on what I want," Jax mumbled remembering his training back at Gaias. What Jax wanted was to be a better teacher for Aveline Cuiléin , he wanted to get out of the funk he's been in and become the Jedi Knight that Master Oda had envisioned for him, he wanted to know more about the ability of merging with the force, more importantly Jax wanted to make sure to never repeat the same mistake at Korriban again.​

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Flashes of Jax slicing Aveline with his Lightsaber flickered in his mind, the taunts from Pom Stych Tivé , Jax wanted nothing more than to kill her but not before torturing the Nightsister first. But murder and torture was not the Jedi way especially towards Pom who was pregnant so why did the force merge with Jax who failed Aveline but also was hopped with murderous rage against Pom who despite her cruelty was also carrying a child? The answers at Gaias didn't leave Jax with understanding than at Korriban maybe through mediation perhaps he can find clarity. "Yeah right," Jax leapt to a rock in the middle of the river, sat down and began to mediate. "What do you seek of me?" he whispered. "Why gift me with the power of Oneness?"​

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[Jairdain]

If Jairdain had been searching for a paradise, Coruscant was not one of them. However, she found herself once again walking through the halls of the rebuilt Jedi Temple here. She had been here when the Sith invaded and partially destroyed it. That destruction had just been one of the many things that had helped lead her down a dark path. Not one that was evil but destructive to herself.

It had started with her drinking daily to many times a day. Seeking to try and fill the empty void within her soul. Everything had failed and finally, she had come to her senses. One last night out and the trying of Spice had brought about the change. Somehow, someway she had found her way back to the Silver Jedi and they had accepted her back. With the help of her friends, family, and allies, she resumed her duties and her life.

For a while, things went smoothly. Then her husband had gotten ill with a mental disease she couldn't help with. Watching him slowly deteriorate had just as slowly broken her. She had sought seclusion on Iridonia and had been found by her brother. Then she had fled to Voss where she could hide out in the Shrine of Healing. As a Mystic there, she had tried to fulfill her duties but failed. So she ran again and found herself here.

There was very likely a rather dark cloud hovering around her if anybody were looking. Something spiritual, nothing physical. An aura that should deter somebody from approaching her.

Seeing the life of the Temple around her through the Force, she kept walking. Almost ignoring those around her. Anybody that approached would be answered but it seemed her aura was doing its job and kept people at bay. Finally, her steps brought her to a place she had only heard rumors of. A place she had never thought to find on a world covered with buildings and technology.

In contrast to her inner emotions, Jairdain felt the peace and tranquility practically emanating from this large enclosure. Walking in through the wooden doors, she felt around her. Feeling for where people were or were not and seeking to be alone once again. Carefully selecting which paths would lead her to a secluded area, she maintained the nasty feeling until she was almost positive nobody else was nearby.

Ducking into the bushes, she just knew there was a place where she could hopefully wash off some of the negativity that was in her life. She wanted to make a new start and that happened from within. Knowing her children would be fine at the Rest or even on Commenor, she had kissed them goodbye and luckily they were old enough to somewhat understand what she was doing. She wasn't leaving forever and would return to them in time.

Following the stream to a waterfall, she searched around her again with the Force and didn't feel anybody too close. Letting out a sigh, she carefully took off what clothes she was wearing, folded up neatly on the grass, and went under the water. Using Breath Control, she was under for several minutes. Long enough to allow Jax to find her corner and jump onto the rock that was in the stream flowing out of the pool she was in.

Coming up for air, she almost choked when she felt him close. Attempting to disappear and not be noticed, she wasn't something she had ever expected and totally failed. The use of the Force would most likely catch his attention. The fact she was totally naked didn't actually bother her. It was her personal quest to be alone and this person was in her area.

Hearing the whispered question, she did not stand up to gather the clothes but remained under the water. Only allowing her head above the surface. While this was unexpected, perhaps she could help this man. When she had been recovering from being broken before, she had been told to help heal people and that it might help her. It had worked then. Maybe it would work now. Even though the wounds were different this time.

Clearing her throat, the ugly aura was already gone but her inner emotions were still a mess.

"I can leave if you want me to."

Man, way to go. Mentally growling to herself, she remained with the water covering her body.

Jax Thio

 

[Jax Thio]

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Location: Room of a Thousand Fountains​

Equipment: Jedi Robes Jax's Lightsaber​

Tag: Jairdain​

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Master Oda once told Jax that if he clears his mind and listens to the force then he can hear the force speaking to him. The people at Gaias further expanded on it and told him to listen to the Midichlorians as they carry messages of the force. Jax cleared his mind, listened to the Midichlorians and received nothing but silence. Frustration swelled inside of Jax, it was always silence especially when he was dealing with turmoil. Despite the improvements and the revelations Jax experienced since he left Aveline Cuiléin , Jax still did not understand why the Force chose to merge with him. Who was he but a mere drunk who fracked around with his padawan and nearly killed her? Was he truly worthy to be a teacher? The spirits insisted that Jax was and even after all of his adventures he still remained lost.​

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"Strong focus on what I want." Jax mumbled until he heard a noise the sound of someone surfacing. Opening his eyes, Jax saw the head of a woman staring at him. She was very beautiful with violet eyes, long black hair and pale skin, Jax could sense that she was troubled as well but then again nobody who comes to the Room of a Thousand Fountains comes to celebrate. Jax's heart skipped a beat staring at her heart shaped face but he did his best to hold it back. This was not the time to flirt at a clearly naked woman it was time to remanence and reconnect.​

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"I almost thought a beautiful angel came to the surface to give me advice," Jax said mentally cursing himself. "Oh frack me why did I say that?"​

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"First time I've seen someone swimming in the Fountains," Jax said still sitting on the slab of rock. "The NJO advises you to meditate but hey who am I to dictate on how a person tries to deal with their issues."​

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Jax sighed. "If anything I should apologize for disturbing you." he said. "My name is Jax Thio Jedi Knight of the Galactic Alliance and who might you be angel face?"​

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He was doing it again wasn't he? All that training and he can't even restrain himself?!​

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[Jairdain]

Listening carefully to the mutterings he made under his breath, Jairdain learned a little more about the man in front of her. Through the Force, she picked up on his sense of confusion. At her appearance from underwater, it was clear he didn't pick this location because he had followed her. Mentally sighing in relief, she listened to what he said.

He mentioned this was the first time he had seen anybody swimming in the Fountains and she just shrugged a little. Keeping everything else covered with the water. There was something about him that kept her under the water. It almost felt that if she moved to get her clothes that he would disappear and this was not what she wanted.

Shaking her head slightly, she lowered herself deeper into the water and her focus shifted away from him for a moment before it returned.

"I am far from an angel, Knight Thio."

Gather her wits a bit, she tilted her head slightly. Much like a canine would when they were confused.

"One comes here to meditate huh? I came here to try and find peace. Be at ease. I'm not going to bite."

Trying to lighten the mood just a little, she probably failed. As she focused on him, he might notice her eyes were unfocused. Yet he would know she was looking at him. Not probing at him on purpose, this was how Jairdain saw the world around her. Looking at him with her unnatural focus, she could tell he was troubled. And that was putting it nicely.

Without getting permission from him to probe deeply, all the Master did was gather this through her vision. Nothing with detailed information but enough to know she might be able to advise him. Swimming over to the rock he was sitting on, he should be able to tell her lack of clothing did not bother her.

Inclining her head after she reached his stone, she held a damp hand up for him to shake.

"I am Jairdain Ismet."

Something she did not give was any sort of title to go with the name. This wasn't something she really thought of when introducing herself. In time, she felt Jax would learn her rank. Right now it really was not important. After shaking hands, if he had done that, she pushed away from the rock and returned to the pool she had been in before. Lifting up a finger, she disappeared from his sight but he would still be able to feel her through the Force. After a minute or two, she reappeared on the shore next to him fully clothed. Sitting down across from him, she made herself comfortable.

Wet, black hair hung down her back and there was a sense of peace around her. Under the surface though, that controlled torment was still present.

"What might you be needing advice for, Knight Thio?"

Until he told her otherwise, she would continue to address him with his title.

Jax Thio

 

[Jax Thio]

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Location: Room of a Thousand Fountains​

Equipment: Jedi Robes Jax's Lightsaber​

Tag: Jairdain​

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Jax raised an eyebrow when the woman swam towards the rock he was sitting on and extended her hand water dripping from her arm. "The most unusual handshake I've done," he chuckled shaking her hand it felt very soft against his calloused hand. Perhaps talking to somebody could ease his troubled mind. It helps that the person is attractive. "Damn it Jax stop commenting on her looks," he mentally cursed.​

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"Good to meet you Jairdain," Jax said adjusting himself on the slab. "From what I can tell you're not part of the New Jedi Order otherwise you'll be aware that the Fountain is often used for mediating. Still though there's no rules against skinny dipping in the waters, as long as you're here to seek solace and try to relax after extreme stress it's fine."​

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The Jedi felt a warmness around his cheeks when Jairdain called him Knight Thio. It felt so..... formal, the only time Jedi call people by their titles was around Jedi Master. "No need to call me Knight Thio," Jax said chuckling nervously while rubbing the back of his neck. "Just call me Jax and besides you have the radiance of an angel with your grace and....."​

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Why does he continue to dig his own grave with these stupid flirts? "Never mind," Jax sighed. "I'm just here trying to seek answers," he muttered looking closing his eyes in shame. "I've been asking the force so many questions but all I get is silence."​

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He didn't want to dwell on Korriban, nor Aveline nor Oneness any longer. Further thinking about them gave Jax nothing more than frustration, confusion and inadequacy. Perhaps if he changed the subject......​

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"What about you Jairdain?" Jax said. "Are you a Silver? Perhaps a Jedi from the CIS? What brings you here to the fountain?"​

 

[Jairdain]

Returning the chuckle with one of her own, Jax would be able to tell it was real. Even though there was a brief amusement within her, her inner troubles were still present. The smile faded as she took her hand back and put it under the water again. For a moment, she looked slightly lost. This man knew nothing about her, yet since they had met, he had commented on her looks more than once. The blind Master really did not know how to take this. Should she be thanking him? Deciding to not say anything at the moment, she took that seat across from him. While it looked like she was clothed, it was all an illusion. He probably didn't even know this and this aspect of her abilities most likely wasn't that important.

Inclining her head when he told her she did not need to address him with his title, she accepted this and listened to what he had to say. Again he called her an angel and this brought a small smile to her mouth. Jax started to answer her question but turned it on her. Lifting an eyebrow slightly, she heard his questions and was silent for a moment after.

"I am part of the Silvers. A Jedi Master with them. As to what brings me here, perhaps it would be easier to show you. Allow me to take your hand and watch."

Taking a hold of his wrist unless he pulled away, she would lay his hand flat on top of hers, palm up. Her other hand, she would allow to hover a few inches above his palm. Over the course of the next several minutes, he would see the vision of her life and what brought her here. A life of being married, becoming a mother, and the loss of her husband. Then the emptiness of what she was feeling and going through now.

Something happened while she focused on giving him this vision. Her focus on the illusion around her had stopped and was entirely gone. Sitting across from him now was a totally nude Jairdain and she didn't even know it. Thinking her facade was still present, she just looked at him through the Force. Getting a read on him as best she could, she didn't realize she had also kept holding his hand after her vision finished.

"That is why I am here. Now you want answers. What are you searching for?"

Entirely focusing on him now, she waited for him to answer. She was a Force centric person and might just be able to help him find the answers he was looking for.

Jax Thio

 

[Jax Thio]

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Location: Room of Thousand Fountains​

Equipment: Jedi Robes, Jax's Lightsaber​

Tag: Jairdain​

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When Jairdain smiled Jax once again felt his cheeks burning, even when Jaridain gave the smallest smiles she looked graceful and radiant. The Jedi had to fight to control his rapid heartbeat. "The Silvers huh?" Jax chuckled. "I've worked with the Silvers mostly part time made a lot of good friends there my Padawan is part of the Silvers......"​

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Even though Jax did not menton Aveline Cuiléin by name just the fact that Jax mentioned his Padawan at all filled him with shame. He came here to try to reassure himself that he equipped himself with the right tools to train Aveline but the seeds of doubt were now starting to grow. It didn't help that he still wasn't entirely sure why he was chosen to merge with the force. So many questions..... Jax was barely paying attention to Jaridain until she took his hand against hers. "Wait wha-" All of a sudden the Jedi saw images, feelings of Jairdain's life, it was one of love, birthing new life and sudden loss and the emptiness she was feeling right now.​

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When he came to Jax saw Jairdain sitting next to him completely naked much his surprise but Jax sensed Jairdain didn't care all she wanted was to find inner peace just like he was. "Where to begin?" Jax whispered not wanting to relive the memories at Korriban. "I'm sure you've about Korriban and how the Chancellor declared us War Heroes. Hell for the first time in my life I received a medal: The Golden Starbird."​

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He closed his eyes. "But It was a load of bullshit," he said through haggard. "I was no hero, never was and never will be. I was a man who nearly killed his own Padawan because I was consumed by hate and rage." Jax stared into Jairdain's eyes. "My Padawan's name is Aveline Cuilien," he continued. "She was in many ways like me: Strong willed, stubborn, likes to turn to the drink but she held tremendous abilities with the force. Her midichlorian count was the highest I've ever seen I almost matches Anakin Skywalker: The Chosen One."​

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Jax gulped. "She was a brat but she wanted to learn to be a Jedi and by fate we were bought together. I thought I could teach her a mentality that doesn't adhere to Jedi dogma." Jax said. "But I was ill equipped and too immature myself to become a teacher and she brushed me off."​

 

[Jairdain]

Over the years she had been a part of the Silvers, she had trained quite a few Padawans. Most of them had disappeared out of her life but she was happy for Jax that his had stuck around. Maybe even a little jealous but that was a very brief feeling and it was gone.

As they talked, Jairdain picked up his feeling of shame. She would have given him the time to finish answering had she known he wasn't finished before taking his hand. Knowing he worked with the Silvers gave her hope they get along better than they did already. Though she had caught him by surprise, he didn't pull away from her touch and allowed the vision she provided to get through to him.

When he started speaking, he asked where he should begin. Even though he didn't want to actively remember what happened on Korriban, his thoughts did. Through their physical connection, Jairdain picked up on them. Unfortunately for Jairdain, she had been so lost in her life recently she had not been paying much attention to the Galaxy around her.

"I am sorry, I did not know that. The loss of my husband really threw my life for a loop. Congratulations though."

In the Force, he would feel she truly meant her words and she was telling the truth. Just because she put her own life on hold, that didn't mean the rest of the Galaxy did. Letting out a mental sigh, she extended some comfort to him through the Force. In her own messed up state, it might not be much but she hoped it helped soothe his nerves at least a little.

Not knowing if her attempt worked or not, she did now allow him to tell his story.

Thinking back on her own life, she silent for a few moments. Since she still had a hold of his hand, she once again raised her other to hover above it.

This vision was much darker and in a way far more personal. It showed a meeting between two people. Herself and a male zabrak. Much of the conversation was nothing more than mumbling and not clear. However, what he did hear were the pleas of the man to have her kill him. At the end of the vision that is exactly what happened.

"You might have almost killed her, but I have murdered. Don't feel the shame you do, Jax. Everybody makes mistakes. It is up to them to dwell on them or learn from them and move on. Work through or stay stagnant..."

Closing her mouth, the Master fell silent and in her closed eyes small tears were there and she was trying to hide them.

Jax Thio

 

[Jax Thio]

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Location: Room of a Thousand Fountains​

Equipment: Jedi Robes, Jax's Lightsaber​

Tag: Jairdain​

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"I told you Jairdain," Jax gave the naked woman a sad smile. "I'm not to be congratulated, the only thing I've accomplished at Korriban was failing my apprentice."​

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Sure Jax managed to retrieve the Holocron that he and Aveline were tasked in getting but it meant nothing if it came at the cost of Jax mortally wounding Aveline. He just couldn't stop image playing in his head despite the constant reassurance by himself and the people around him. "I am sorry for the loss of your husband though Jairdain," he said staring at her. "I can't imagine that you've went through."​

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It was then Jairdain once again held his hand and Jax saw visions of a Zabrak that she had strong feelings for. Did she love him? Perhaps but there was hostilities between them and the unknown Zabrak begged Jairdain to finish him off. She did but not without feeling immense regret. As soon as he was bought back Jax saw tears rolling down Jardain's eyes. "Shit Jaridain," Jax said taking his thumb to wipe away the tears that were staining her cheeks.​

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The Jedi then began to put her in a hug, placing her head against his chest. "I know I can't live in shame," he said. "But I don't know what to do, I don't why the force is insistent that I'm the one to train Aveline. That I'm the one who is worthy of merging with it. You saw the real me, you saw how pathetic I was. There are times where I feel that life wasn't worth living anymore but Aveline Cuiléin came into my life and other good people as well but Aveline gave me hope and I nearly killed her."​

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Jax sighed. " Pom Stych Tivé the Nightsister we encountered," he said wanting to continue his story Jardain probed his mind, she does understand. "Has tried to mess with us, turn us against each other and we were winning too until Pom managed to capture Aveline again. I was filled with anger and fury that I charged towards Pom not thinking that she would use her magic to switch herself with Aveline. When I raised my Lightsaber up and realized what happened...... It was far too late I couldn't stop myself.... I-"​

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Tears formed around Jax's eyes. "I hated Pom for doing this," he said almost breaking into a soft cry. "I blamed her, I wanted to cast everything I've done on her."​

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He shook his head rage building up. "I wanted to kill her! I didn't care that she was pregnant, I wanted to make her suffer! To understand what frack she's done! She thinks that she's morally superior than me?! I just- I just....."​

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Jax held Jairdain tightly. "I just wanted to be a good teacher to Aveline Jairdain," Jax said crying. "I wished that I told Aveline that she meant so much to me, but there are times that I'm not a Jedi I wanted to murder Pom and treat her like the animal she is! I HATE HER!"​

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The Jedi closed his eyes slowly shaking his head. "Why the force merge with me?" he asked. "When held murderous thoughts? I'm no Jedi, I'm just a man who can't even save his own Padawan."​

 

[Jairdain]

Even though Jax said he did not feel he should be congratulated, she did it anyway. Two strangers, both lost in their own ways meeting like this had to mean something. At least, Jairdain thought so. She had followed the Force and it led her here. He came searching for answers and they might be able to help each other.

As she listened to him recount what happened, she accepted his sympathy and gently nodded her head. When he said he couldn't imagine what she had been through, she realized she wanted to tell him everything. Just not today. Letting out a shaky sigh, his hand wiped the tears from her eyes and she rested her head against his chest. Listening to the beat of his heart, she started to relax into him. Then it dawned on her, she was still totally naked and wrapped in a hug. Though the mixed conversation had been rather tragic, it didn't appear that her state of undress bothered Jax.

Slowly he started telling her his story. How the Force brought him and his Padawan together, what happened on Korriban and who the person to blame was. Almost lifting her head as she heard the story when he mentioned Pom...she felt through him who he was speaking of. Turning her head so she could respond, she waited until he finished.

"Why would she do that?"

Without trying very hard, she sent him a mental image of the Pom she had met long ago. A woman that was the Pom he had met on Korriban. Yet...there was a difference. It wasn't one Jairdain knew about though. Unknown to the Master, two people developed after their encounter. One was Spasa and the other was Pom. To Jairdain the woman Jax mentioned was the same one she had known. That wasn't entirely the case though. Perhaps things would be cleared up for her but at the moment she wasn't too worried about it.

"I am sure you are a good teacher Jax. As for your emotions, you are human and we all have them. There was a time in my life when I denied them. No more. Embrace what you're feeling and then decide what you want to do with it. Even anger and hate have their uses. I just wouldn't suggest using the Force when you're holding onto them."

So far she was not feeling confident in her attempt to comfort him.

"In time, that hate will fade. Mine did."

Not for Pom but for the Sith that had captured and tortured her. She no longer hated them for what they had done to her.

"You are a Jedi. Trust me. You have it in you to remain the course if you want to."

It wasn't as if she was trying to say he didn't want to or anything.

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I'm sorry. Um...Want to get something to drink or eat?"

What are you thinking, Jairdain? That sounded like you're asking him out on a date. These thoughts ran through her head but the words had already been said. Smacking herself mentally, she did wait for his answer.

Jax Thio

 

[Jax Thio]

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Location: Room of a Thousand Fountains​

Equipment: Jedi Robes, Jax's Lightsaber​

Tag: Jairdain​

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Jax's anger began to subside all of a sudden with one unexpected question by Jairdain: why would Pom do that? "Because she's a Nightsister?" Jax said but his voice wasn't that of anger but of confusion and curiosity. It seemed that Jairdan knew about Pom, it was possible that at one time Pom was a good person? Jax didn't have time to think it over because Jairdain placed her hand against his and she sent him the image of Pom but there were two of them? One was a Jedi of a different name and the other was Pom immersed in the darkside. Two of the same person yet somehow radically different.​

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"Spasa....." Jax whispered. "That was her other self?" Jairdain knew about Pom, the good half and could sense that she misses her. Jax continued to stare at the naked woman dumbfounded. His assessment of Pom was way off, there were always layers behind people no matter what but still it was hard for Jax to come to grips to what she did but it was hard to believe that Pom was at point a person who was full of light.​

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"You know this galaxy can function better if it were black and white," Jax gave a nervous chuckle. "Gray? Gray just muddles things and makes ya indecisive."​

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It was then Jaridain gave Jax words of encouragement saying things that anger and has uses and that in time hate will fade like hers did. "Really?" Jax said. "Then why does it feel that's going to embedded in my heart forever?"​

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Jax's grief at his Masters was still fresh even though it happened 12 years ago. When will that evaporate but the Jairdain's words did give Jax reassurance that perhaps he can move on and become a better teacher for Aveline Cuiléin . "Thank you Jairdain," Jax smiled at the naked woman hugging her tight. "I don't think that I'm worthy to be a Jedi but thank you for clearing up so much. Aveline means everything to me and I want to do her right by giving her the tools necessary to succeed."​

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Suddenly Jairdairn once again said an unexpected thing asking Jax out to dinner? "W-What?!" Jax stammered a WOMAN actually asking him out first?! WHILE NAKED?! This is..... unusual indeed. "Y-yeah sure!" Jax said. "I-I mean it's the least I can do after you've consoled me! Can't say no to a pretty woman!"​

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There he goes again.......​

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