Light Shines Brighter in the Dark (Elpsis)

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


An indeterminate amount of time passed until Elpsis' feet carried her to the villa. Auntie Siobhan was probably at work, which was for the best since the redhead was not in the mood to talk to her. As a matter of fact, she felt rather irritated with her aunt.


Elpsis felt lost and forlorn, though she tried not to let it show. As she entered the villa, she could hear noise coming from upstairs. Playful sounds of laughter and joy. Laina and little Morrigan.


Elpsis sighed slightly, taking a moment to compose herself. She felt like a mess inside, but the last thing she wanted was to bother anyone with her issues. Or appear weak. Silly and childish? Probably, but it was how she felt. So she put on her game face and walked up the stairs. A smile was painted on her lips when she stepped into the room the two amazons were in.


"Hey there, how's my lil Morri?" she asked with exaggerated cheerfulness, seeing that two were playing. If there was anyone the term Stepford Smiler applied to, then it was Elpsis Elaris. Mirien sealed herself away, Elpsis pretended everything was fine. Different strategies that both represented a defence mechanism.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

When Mirien felt she was a good distance away from everyone, anyone really and out in a forested area she finally stopped the speeder in a clearing and slowly got out of the vehicle. Places like this, without other people, gave her the opportunities to drop the many masks she wore and breathe just a little. It let her think, feel without concern for her outward reputation and appearances.

The brunette took her bag with her and slowly walked away from the speeder wanting a place away from even it. Finally finding a small stream, Mirien flopped down beside it watching the small amount of water trickle over plant and rock.

Sorting out her feelings, especially on this on things she'd done but didn't recall were incredibly complex. A part of her knew they were the actions of a different person, a different being really. At the same time, felt and believed she was still entirely responsible for it. How did one reconcile something like that? Where did you even begin? Those were still thoughts that dominated Mirien's mind far too often. Though perhaps it was a sign of progress that Mirien had chosen, to tell the truth to the best of her knowledge and memories, to Elpsis.

Five years ago that wouldn't have been something she'd have done at all. No, this would have been another secret she chose to burden herself with. She had far too many of those, secrets and things she left unspoken for fear of the pain they would cause, not just to others but herself. Secrets always had been and always will be her life. Though, those secrets, those memories out there had both the power to haunt as they did to heal. It all would depend on what Miri would do with them.

With a sigh, she reached out and touched a tiny pool of water watching the ripples as they formed and rolled across the cool liquid. She felt a sudden worry through her bond with Sio but wasn't quick to open herself to it. No doubt Sio would want to know what was wrong, what was happening, but out of habit more than anything Mirien was shutting her out. At least for the moment until she could sort herself out for a little while.

With a sigh, she removed a communicator from her pocket and typed a short message to Sio: Just out for a bit, don't worry. She shook her head, sighing again before she sent the message.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Laina Silvias]

Laina was all smiles with Morrigan but felt Elpsis nearing the room and to her, within the force, the redhead didn't seem all that well or happy herself.

And little Morrigan looked up rather curiously as Elpsis came into the room. She squealed joyfully seeing her favorite redhead. "Red!" She said as she reached down picked up a block that Laina and she had been playing with and offered it to the young woman, wanting her to join in on the play. "Seems she misses you, Elpsis."

"How are you darling?" She asked as she shifted just a little bit, to better watch her baby girl and now the redhead. "Is something on your mind?"

[member="Elpsis Elaris"]

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


There was a smile plastered on Elpsis' face when she heard Morrigan squeal. The positive vibes in the room relaxed her a bit, the redhead's mood was still a feigned one. How odd that both she and Mirien saw the need to wear a mask.


"Hey, how's my little, Morri?" she asked sweetly, pulling the girl into a hug. For just a moment, Elpsis drew a blank, for she was unable to see the block. Eventually she managed to find it by touch, and accepted the proffered item . "What are you doing? Can I join?" she planted a kiss on the little one's forehead.


Her sightless eyes glanced towards Laina. It was very likely that the older woman would be able to see through whatever facade she put up, but for some reason that did not stop Elpsis from trying. "Yeah, I'm fine," she said just a bit too quickly, with an exaggeratedly perky tone. "How are you doing? Goodness, Morri has grown."

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


Siobhan read the message and frowned. "I would not worry if you didn't explicitly tell me not to worry. Or shut me out," she grumbles to herself. "Major, proceed with the inspection without me. I have an important matter to attend to," she ordered brusquely. Without waiting for a response, she walked away, with an obvious limp in her step.


With Mirien actively blocking her, she could not read her emotions or discern her thoughts, but she could still feel her presence to a degree. She felt that the ice queen was not that far. If her senses were correct, she was in the forest near the Star Fortress. Heading towards the landing pad, Siobhan boarded her speeder and took off into the air. She would not race towards Mirien, but instead give her some time.

 

[Laina Silvias]

Little Morrigan giggled brightly as she grabbed a hold of Elpsis's shirt, to try and pull the redhead a little closer to her before letting go. The young one hadn't quite yet grasped that Elpsis could not see through the usual means. That would probably take her a bit longer to understand. The little one seemed overjoyed that Elpsis had taken the offered toy as she turned back to where her other blocks were and started to move a few over to Elpsis.

Laina frowned, knowing well I'm fine, was far from the truth. But for a second she was going to leave that be to answer Elpsis question. "I'm doing alright. Morrigan is sleeping through the night finally, so I get more rest. Me and Aella both." She then nodded, "Yeah, she has. She's growing up too fast. Seems like just yesterday she was a perfect tiny little newborn. And here we are now with her walking and talking a little bit."

The amazon paused briefly, "Now for you, you aren't fine. Would you like to tell me what's going on that's got you all bothered and upset?"

[member="Elpsis Elaris"]

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien leaned heavily against a rock still just watching the water flow and trying to find a sense of balance within herself. Not that this was easy in the least. No, not when Miri still blamed herself for so much of what had happened in the past, even if that personality and woman had perished long ago.

Putting those demons to rest was a daunting task, nevermind coming to accept that they had happened, and accept the difference in the Sith Mirien, and who she was now. She needed to find someway to let the guilt and pain she felt go. There were still going to be events like this, where she had to come face to face with the realities of her past actions, to come face to face with people she harmed. One of these days the dark Ice Queen was going to have to find a way to forgive herself.

The quiet in the forest at least allowed her to release some of that burden when there was no one to see her when she felt so weak and torn apart. That same quiet made it easier to think and work through the horrors that she herself had created. When Mirien got like this, she rarely wanted someone else to be around her. But that didn't mean she didn't need someone around to talk to, just that she didn't want it, liking her privacy in times like this. But it also had led to her cutting off people in the past, and hiding away from the world.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


Damn! Busted! Alas, Elpsis' tricks did not work on Laina Elpsis sighed slightly, looking anywhere but the amazon matron. Mostly she looked at Morrigan and at blocks she could touch but not really see.


"It's...nothing important. Sio sent me on an errand to Mirien. Things...," she looked away, unable to formulate a coherent response. It hurt. A lot. "We talked. Stuff happened." Then, without further warning, she started to cry.

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


The speeder gracefully swooped down from the sky, landing a good bit away from the lake where Mirien had sought sanctuary. Siobhan stepped out of the flying craft and limped towards the dark ice queen's location.


Fortunately, she'd chosen to wear uniform and practical boots as opposed to a fancy dress and high heels during her inspection. Otherwise making her way through the forest would have been a tad awkward for the vain Lady. She made no attempt to obscure her Force aura. Mirien would know that she was coming.


This would, in theory, give the spook time to vanish again, should she choose to. But Siobhan respected her too much to resort to subterfuge. "It's quiet and peaceful at the lake, isn't it? Always wanted a big river on my homeworld. One that wasn't polluted," she said randomly in a conversational tone.


"We had this talk about you...you know, talking to me." Her tone was soft as she approached the dark woman. Her aura radiated a prodigous amount of concern about the other woman's wellbeing.

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien had heard the speeder in the distance but for the moment ignored it. She had a feeling of just who it was that was on board and their purpose in coming here. She shook her head, feeling a touch annoyed. She'd wanted to be alone in the quiet for a while before talking about it to anyone.

The brunette turned her head away for a moment, looking out across the lake and away from Siobhan. Little emotion crossed her face as she shrugged rather nonchalantly. And for a couple of minutes, Mirien didn't say a word or really acknowledge Siobhan beyond that. She needed that moment to collect herself. "We did." The former Grand Inquisitor sighed heavily, "We never discussed when, or how quickly that I needed to do so."

Another sigh, still looking across the lake, "I'm not trying to be flippant, not deliberately anyway. There just comes a point that I need to be alone with my own thoughts. As much as I love you, and yes, for the record I still do, I don't always want another to be privy to those feelings and thoughts that I'm dealing with." The spook bit her lip before speaking again, "Reasons I shut you out." Miri pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them, her focus still out on the lake not wanting to look at Sio, afraid she might break if she did so. Small signs that showed just how bothered Mirien was by what had transpired in her office earlier.

"Eventually I would have come to you to talk about what happened." When exactly that was, Mirien wasn't sure. After all, she did tend to keep things bottled up for a while, compartmentalizing every last feeling and emotion on the subjects that were bothering her. All of it locked away to allow herself complete control over those feelings, those memories, and how they affected her and what she outwardly showed the world as a result.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Laina Silvias]

Laina just sat there for a moment spreading her awareness out in the force to gain another perspective on what was happening with Elpsis. She frowned hearing the redhead try to explain recent events as less than what they really were. "Mirien? What did she do to you?" The dark haired woman said with a touch of venom in her tone, upset that anyone had made Elpsis feel this way.

She'd gotten to where she felt quite protective over the young woman, never wanting to see harm or pain come to her if she could help it. Leaning over she wrapped her arms around the redhead and pulled her against her shoulder. With a sigh, Laina pushed off that momentary flash of anger and gently stroked Elpsis' hair. "It's going to be alright, Elpsis. Just let it out, let the tears fall. They are a cleansing force darling." She sighed again, "Take your time, you don't have to tell me now, give yourself time first to find what is right for you. And, well .. even if that means you never tell me at all, that's okay too. Just know I am right here for you. Thick or thin, not going anywhere. Plus, Morrigan would miss you too much." Laina said as the little one wrapped her arms around Elpsis' leg clinging to her.

[member="Elpsis Elaris"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]

((so many feels!))


"I know," Siobhan sighed heavily. "I still love you, too." Simply saying these words felt like a betrayal. To Tegs, because it felt like she was being unfaithful, even though their marriage was not doing well anyway. To Mirien, because though Sio spoke truth, it felt like she could not give the broody Inquisitor what she needed - or deserved. No, Siobhan was not a good wife or lover.


"I'm sorry for prying. But...bottling things up like this isn't healthy. I worry, you know," she fidgeted slightly. Slowly she stepped towards Mirien and sat down alongside her. Then she wrapped her arm around the smaller woman's shoulder. "We don't have to talk about it now. Just...know that I'm here, okay?"

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


Elpsis just let it out, sobbing. It had been physically possible - and not immensely unpleasant - she would have crawled into Laina. As it were, she melted in her embrace, drawing strength from it. It helped soothe her, along with the presence of lil Morrigan. Even so, she still felt like running, felt ashamed of her weakness.


Finally, she relented. "No, she didn't...do anything. Not to me," she managed to get out between sobs. "She...hurt my mother. Many years ago. Very badly," her voice almost cracked and her upper lip trembled. "Then lost her memory. She feels bad about it...but that doesn't make it better. It hurts. Hurts so much and I don't know what to do."

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien nodded slowly as her attention was drawn to the waters lapping the shoreline gently. "I don't blame you for prying. Given how I've gotten in the past, locking myself away, drinking heavily when the worst of my past comes knocking on my door. All because I generally want to keep my feelings hidden. Mostly because I want to hide how much I hate myself for the person I used to be. From you, from everyone." She sighed before picking up a rock beside her and tossing it just so that it skipped across the waters for a moment or two before sinking below the surface.

"While everyone's got a chapter in their life they don't want to be read aloud, I'm fairly certain I have hundreds of those chapters, from before I lost my memories, and even after. Hundreds of things, events, people whose life I ended, that I never want anyone to know about. All things I don't want to be judged for, especially by those I care most about. And yeah, I really hate the person I used to be and despise the things I did. And I abhor when my past comes crashing in on my present."

Mirien sighed fast wiping away the smallest traces of tears that had formed in the corners of her eyes. She then shook her head and leaned her head against Sio's shoulder. "I told Elpsis, about what I did to Coryth. I couldn't lie to her, not on that." The brunette let her shoulders slump forward and rested her head in her hands not saying another word. She truthfully couldn't find a single word, thought or sentence to explain any further. And well, Sio would know well enough what she was referencing.

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"I don't hate you, Mirien. I...just can't hate you for what you did in your past," she sighed profoundly. Hypocrisy? The result of Siohan being blinded by love? She could not wholly dismiss the fact that she was biased due to her feelings for the dark woman, but they were not th only cause. "I suppose getting you to see this is like an uphill battle, but now you're one of the most selfless women I've ever known," she added quietly, gently stroking Mirien's back.


There was an awkward pause. The dark ice queen could not put it into words, but Siobhan knew the horrible atrocity she was referencing. After all, she'd seen it with her own eyes. "Well, you look pretty unblemished...so I assume she didn't try to set you on fire or break your nose?" she asked rhetorically. It sounded lame, even to her.

 

[Laina Silvias]

Laina patiently listened to Elpsis, letting her cry as she needed to. It took a long while before she decided to speak up. "I understand this is painful for you darling. These are not easy things to deal with when they come to light. But she came out, out right and told you this? She didn't lie, did she? If so, I suspect it shows a woman that is trying to change and work through these things. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment, she doesn't know the event and discovers it years later and knows well the pain she's caused but still can't remember the hows and whys of what happened... It's not an easy position for anyone. And she could have chosen to hide what she did to your mother. But she didn't." She kept holding Elpsis just wanting to help soothe her.

There was one more thing she wanted to say though,"Now this is just something to think about... Losing memories is no simple thing. Memories make us. They are the very fibers on which we create our own lives. Each of those past decisions that we have made, each point in our lives incremental and tiny turning points that fundamentally change us and make us who we are. Mirien didn't just lose her memories Elpsis, she lost everything that fundamentally made her who she was. While the vessel of the soul is still there, the white wolf saw fit to remove the very thing that had brought her down that dark road and give her a chance to start anew and change her life. Don't look at her like a monster, let her show you who she is now. If she's still that monster she was, well... we'll cross that bridge when we get there."

"And it may be a good idea to speak with your mother too. Stars know she has had the chances to end the woman but hasn't. Coryth's got her reasons I'm sure."

[member="Elpsis Elaris"]

 

[Elpsis Kerrigan]

[member="Laina Silvias"]


Laina was many things to Elpsis: Lover, spiritual mentor and another mother figure. She did not think about the last role too much because it might make their nocturnal activities a bit...awkward, but it was true nonetheless.So when she spoke, the fiery redhead listened. She had a quite strength, an authority she naturally accepted. "I know," she sighed, wiping tears from her face. Her cheeks seemed soaked with them.


"I was...so angry with her. Still am. But I also felt sorry for her. She didn't have to tell me...but she did. I've looked into her eyes, seen her aura. She hates herself. She doesn't...seem like a monster now. She was...kind to me. What happened to her must have been for a reason."


She pulled away slightly from Laina. "She's afraid of my mother. A lot. I...can't imagine how mum copes. How she can stand to look at her. Or work in the same place. Especially since...both are close to Auntie Sio. D-do you think mum will be angry with me? Did I fail her?"

 

[Mirien Valdier]

Mirien nodded, "Uphill may be a wee bit of an understatement." The dark brunette was awfully stubborn about such things. It took a great deal of effort to chang her mind on how she viewed herself, and how she believed others viewed her. She'd always been far too harsh on herself, viewing herself in a rather dark light as well as beating herself up for even the tiniest of mistakes. This was not a healthy outlook on life, not in the least. It was just going to take time and good people to get her to see it.

At the next words from Siobhan, Mirien shook her head. "I may have, but my desk was not as fortunate." At least there was a hint of a smile on her lips at that, but not much. Still, it was there.

"I just, it's hard for me to be confronted with things that I've done in the past. I want to know, and remember so I don't keep getting beat upside the head when I find another person I've wronged. And on some level, I get that person wasn't me. Not entirely anyway. But in me, there clearly are seeds of what created that woman. And I fear becoming that once more."

"And hell if I know how to handle these things. Coryth's kid walks in my door today, all curious like and wants to stay a while and know about the things I do. There was no way I was going to sit in the same room without her knowing that reality."

[member="Siobhan Kerrigan"]

 

[Siobhan Kerrigan]

[member="Mirien Valdier"]


"Mirien, I'll be honest, I didn't like your desk. It was...tacky. Now I've got an excuse to buy you a new one. I'm thinking Kashyyyk hardwood," Siobhan joked lamely. She had strong opinions about what constituted good interior decoration and furnishing.


However, the moment of attempted levity did not last. "Seeds of evil exist in everyone. But you're not her. You chose not to be her - and I wouldn't let you become her, alright? If you did, I'd kill you. But you won't." Her tone was serious and firm. Out there in the sea, frogs croaked. A few birds were chirping happily.


"You were open about your...history with Coryth. Instead of hiding it. That's good. I guess this sounds outlandish, but maybe her kid doesn't murderously hate you and think you're an evil monster. You cannot change your past...but you can choose not to let it define you."

 

[Laina Silvias]

Laina nodded and reached out slowly to touch Elpsis' cheek to wipe away the tears she could. "It's understandable to be angry." She said gently, the paused for a moment sorting through her own thoughts.

"Her own hatred of herself should tell you a lot about her. She clearly is disgusted by the things she has done in the past otherwise she'd not feel that way, her aura would be different. I'm sure she carries enough anger and hatred of herself to last a lifetime. You are right, there is a reason. The White Wolf wouldn't have otherwise given her the chance. And there's no doubt that she'll be making up for the deeds of her past self for the rest of her life. Did you think that may be the very reason she works where she does now?"

Laina smiled a little bit, "Afraid of Coryth? Yes, your mother has a certain strength about her, fire even that frightens all that really understand it. So, I don't blame Mirien for that either."

The amazon frowned, "No, Elpsis. I don't think that at all. You've not failed her. In fact, she made be proud of how you handled this so far. I also think Coryth may have found a way to deal with the past, those events and Mirien. I think to best ease your mind, you'll need to talk to Coryth. But to ease your own spirit Elpsis, my love, you're going to have to forgive Mirien. That doesn't have to be now, or even in the next year or two, but eventually, that too is something you'll need to come to terms with. Holding onto this kind of anger is not good for you. It gives a chance for the Black Wolf to enter your heart, and you do not want to give him a footing there."

[member="Elpsis Elaris"]