It's A Hard Life

[Connor Harrison]

Connor had a lot of respect for those without sight. While seeing didn't always mean you saw everything, there was something about the idea of not being able to, well, see, that he found unsettling. It was bad enough learning to trust a cybnernetic arm as one's own, not to mention thinking about losing sight and letting the Force paint the world around you.

"I have upmost respect for you Jardain, and all those in your situation. You prove that the Force truly goes beyond simply lifting rocks and being used as a weapon - it is as extension of the natural body, and your control is exemplar."

However he did smile a little imagining how tricky some stairs would be. He looked away and had a little chuckle at that.

"You can take on all sorts of dangers in the galaxy, but when it comes to stairs...watch out!"

Her more grounded words made sense to Connor the most. There was no rush to reply; there was a peace surrounding them both sat before the water feature, and everything seemed tranquil.

"I used to be a beacon, once. Safe to say that was extinguished. I would like to be that beacon again, however. Maybe not one as narrow minded as some Jedi or as deluded as Sith, but those with real visions of the galaxy and who understand the nature of the Force and the part they play, but just need guidance going forward, does that make sense?"

If there was someone today who could understand him, it would be Jairdain.

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

He spoke of respect and control, Jairdain nodded almost with an absent mind. Control was something she had even before she had joined the Silver's. It had been with the Sith that she had lost that control.

"You're right, while some might claim it's an extrasensory perception, it isn't for me since I don't have sight. Maybe it evens out. It can be a blessing to see how I do since deception is difficult to accomplish against me. However, I miss out on the beauty of the world around me."

Her unique skill helped in her position though. The ability to know when most people were trying to be deceptive or keep things hidden emotionally.

"Honestly, I'm not that much of a fighter. Now get me into some sort of healthy debate or something related to mentalism and I'm a champ. I take that back...I am a fighter, just not a physical one. With everything that's happened, I had to be."

As Jairdain spoke, she sat up a little straighter ​and was more sure of herself than she had been a moment ago. Listening to what Connor said his light had been extinguished and her focus moved to almost look into him. If he had some sort of block or defense against such an intrusion, she hoped to peer almost to his core. Unless he prevented her, she would attempt to get a gauge of who he really was.

"I don't think it is extinguished Connor. That light is still there, but subdued and in a sort of alignment with that darkness. Listen to this and tell me if this calls to you.

"Flowing through all, there is balance.
There is no peace without a passion to create.
There is no passion without peace to guide.
Knowledge stagnates without the strength to act.
Power blinds without the serenity to see.
There is freedom in life.
There is purpose in death."

After speaking that code​, she fell silent and waited to know what his answer was.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He nodded and listened to her. She sounded very realistic; very grounded and clear in her own ability, thoughts and views. It was refreshing to hear, and he was enjoying the time to talk about his views and share them with someone who may well be on a similar journey after an also similar history.

Her words resonated with him, but as well as fighting wars with words and meaningful thought, he relished the blade in his hand and leading others to fight. However it had been a long time since he had done that. If he was honest, it was with the Silver Jedi when he was at his prime of leading others. Serving the First Order, he was just a pawn in the field being used as fodder for the enemy. It never suited him, and he never felt complete.

As she recited a code for him, he took it in and didn’t respond at first.

He looked away, eyes drifting up to the clear sky and found the thousands of star systems, planets and life-forms out there; the beauty of the galaxy beyond where he was and how much it meant to him and his place in it.

How much was there to be shaped, to be saved, moulded and balanced for the greater good. And could she see something inside him still burning away? It was true – but he couldn’t admit it, not yet. His vision was different to that of the Silver Jedi, and probably most Jedi out there, but he was not born a monster. Just…different. It had been easy to help others wipe out criminals and those standing in the way of progression; not because he felt it was to gain power, but to gain balance. That was all he came away with. Light and Dark. Good and evil. Unity. Balance. Strength.

”I know those words. The code of the Grey Jedi."

They meant most sense to him than others.

”I guess this answers my inner thoughts to where I belong?"

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

To finally have the opportunity to speak with somebody openly about herself and her beliefs was wonderful. This man seemed to welcome it as well. Connor listened to everything and allowed her to finish without interrupting or interjecting anything. He allowed her to read into him and didn't try to stop her, as if he had a measure of trust with her already. The openness of him allowed Jairdain to also open to him to an extent. Far more than what she might have done if he had remained distant.

If he could pick on honesty or emotions like she could, then he would know she was not attempting to hide anything from him. She was as real, authentic and as open as she could be after just meeting him. However, there was a small longing within her where she hoped this wasn't just a chance encounter.

There was silence between them after she spoke her adopted code, but it was not a bad one. A set of ideals her people had and one she had followed almost her entire life. Even when she had been more aligned with the Sith, she had more or less followed her code. Having come in a circle, she was more open about her personal darkness and not afraid of it any longer.

"Yes, it is their code, but it is also the one of my people. While we didn't call it the Force like everybody else does. It is the same thing, just a different name."

Jairdain had not been born on a world known by anybody and had been informed by a spirit on Voss she was the last of her people. She smiled as he answered though. His acceptance of her code brought a warming feeling to her. An alignment between the two of them and a path they could follow together.

"It seems we are together in this. The Force did have a purpose in our meeting, Connor. Now it's up to us what happens next."

This time, she did not apologize for sounding forward. Her trust in the Force had guided her to him and what she said was accurate. Their future was in their hands and she felt they would be together for a long time.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor nodded. It seemed the Force DID work in mysterious ways. He wasn’t here looking for anything – he had given up chasing the ideals and requirements of others a long time ago. Commenor was just one stop in his journey, and already it seemed like he had made more progress than he had trying to fall into the murky depths of blind Sith months ago.

Some people weren’t born to be followers – some were born to lead.

”It seems that way. The Force is the one constant, natural thing in this whole galaxy. It’s the individuals who want to bend it, mould it and harness it for their own purposes that give it a bad name. Balance it out. Balance the playing field."

Things were falling into place. Slowly, but they were.

”I think it’s time I return to see the Silver Jedi and then the Heavenshields. And I do hope to see you again. We have much to share and feel your insight will help make sense of a great many things."

He leant over a little and held his good hand out for her to shake.

”What happens next for you then?"

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

As he commented on the Force being the one constant and natural thing in the galaxy, Jairdain would wait until he finished to share her own view on that. Nodding in partial agreement as he continued in saying it was individuals that wished to make it unnatural for their own desires.

Even though a few minutes ago Connor had said he didn't feel he would be able to reconnect with the Silver's, something had happened in their conversation to change his mind. Maybe it had been her revealing some of her past and showing how they had welcomed her back. Perhaps her sharing of the vision she had of his future had contributed. In the end, what happened to make him change his mind didn't matter. What stood out was his expressed want to see her again.

They had only just scratched the surface of each other, but the knowing acceptance between the two of them was present. The various things they could share with one another was vast and unexplored. Knowledge and insight were just two of many options. Jairdain might be physically blind, but that did not make her blind to other things. As she had said before, her position with Commenor was ended at least until the prince returned. So for now, her future was her own to make and Connor offered her one.

Choosing not comment on her previous thoughts, she would take a hold of his extended hand to shake.

"What my future holds is unknown to me, honestly. This has nothing to do with visions or being a prophet. A great many opportunities are there, I am sure, but I feel my future rests with you. A big reason I say that is my path is leading me along with you to return to the Silver's."

She put aside the thoughts of her sounding forward and instead focused on expressing what she felt. Forward her words might sound, but it seemed natural to be open and honest with Connor.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor smiled and held her hand.

”I look forward to seeing what the future brings."

Get a grip, man.

You're only human, and it's been a long time since someone actually seemed to appreciate you.

So it seemed that the Silver Jedi would play a part in showing Connor the direction he needed to take next. He knew very well that their codes and conventions had changed, but had they? Since fleeing Voss for reasons he did not know, they had re-branded a new and become something different almost. To find out what would be interesting.

Connor turned back and linked his hands together and looked out over the large plaza they were still sat in, not a care to their surroundings.

”One day we should go to a system under Silver control and see what influence they have. See what they are doing, what they stand for. Maybe we can find some opportunity there?"

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

It seemed like they held hands slightly longer than a normal handshake would be, but it wasn't odd feeling or abnormal. Time would certainly tell what the future held for both of them. While the route of their conversation might have seemed fast in decision making between the two of them, to Jairdain it seemed natural.

That was one thing that had changed with her over time. She was not one to make snap decisions or choices based off her emotions, however, she did go more with what felt natural. This meeting and conversation with Connor had flowed from one point to the next like the Force did. He seemed to feel the same, but maybe not quite in the same way she did. Inside, she knew they would learn to work with each other. Play off their strengths, weaknesses and make the other stronger. It had started today.

He withdrew his hand and turned to face forward again, Jairdain remained sitting in that lotus position and faced his direction. In mentioning going to one of the systems under the Silver's, she wondered where they could go. There was no doubt in her mind they were on the same page in agreement.

"Where would you like to go first? I am in total agreement. Let's just hope they don't assume you are going to start a rebellion or something."

There was a tease to her​ tone since that was pretty much how he opened their conversation when she approached him outside of the First Order Embassy.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Where to go? So many worlds and potential glimpses into their operation. He leant over a pulled out a palm size disk and flicked it open with his thumb. A small hole-projector of the galaxy came to life, glowing green and blue before him about the size of a small visual tablet. He dragged his finger across the disk which moved the map this way or that.

Pinching it to zoom in to the Teraab Sector, he found his planet.

”Vatsu City on Ruusan. Practically on the doorstep of Commenor. They’ll have outposts, forts, temples, who knows. Either way it will be a place where activity is high, and I’ve been there before and know it’s a key place for them to hold."

He turned and was about to hold the projection up for Jair, but then stopped – that would be silly.

”Last time I met their Grandmaster, Valae Kitra, on Ruusan." What a memory that was. ”She certainly has a lot of pride for her Jedi does that one." While he was looking, he started to have a nosy at other planets surrounding Ruusan, and then also how far it was from where they were – which wasn’t far at all. ”What do you think? And no rebellions from me, I promise."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

Sitting patiently, Jairdain could tell Connor was really thinking on her question. Weighing their options and choices on where to make his first step back in the direction of the Silver's. It was a step he wouldn't be taking alone, but with her. A person that had come and gone from that order more than once. Her intuition told her they would likely welcome her back and as they would be arriving together, the hope was there they would welcome him too.

As if she could tell he was going to hold the holo-projector out, Jairdain still had a touch of humor to her look and shook her head slightly. Her lack of sight was both a blessing and a curse.

"I've never been to Ruusan. Pretty sure it's beautiful there though. Valae helped me when I recovering after being held in the hands of the sith."

Her eyes lit up when Connor continued with the line of tease she had included and promised there wouldn't be a rebellion of any kind.

"Seems like it is a good place to start."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

”Valae. Valae Kitra. She's the Grandmaster, right?"

Valae was one who Connor had targeted a year or so in his quest to locate Coci Heavenshield. The sister he never had. The key to holding all of his pain. At the thought of her, it threw things out of line for him. Jairdain would be without sight, but even she would feel the sudden spike in his aura of confusion, conflict and hate. And redemption.

”Maybe I'm rushing this." He snapped the projector into his palm. ”This isn't the right time."

Before he could move on, he had to let the past die.

Kill it, if he had to....was that the old saying?

Connor brought up his hands and rested them together, staring ahead at the plaza, mind racing. Coci still held so much over him, and it would be her who held the key to him being able to move forward, or stuck in a permanent void of hate and seeking revenge.

”I'll be in touch, Jairdain, ok?"

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

He double checked to see if Valae was the grandmaster and Jairdain was just about to answer him when there was a change within him. Connor may not have showed any outward sign, but she would not have seen that change if he had.

As an empath and her sight being basically that of the emotions of others, his appearance took on almost a whole new one. What had caused the change, she did not know. Of course based off some of the conversation, she could make a guess and it had nothing to do with Valae herself.

That balance they shared had tipped within him. It did not push her away though and she accepted the change. That projector snapped closed in his hand like he was trying to close a part of his past. This is exactly what Jairdain needed to do as well. Something she had been working on herself. With Bradshaw away, the change started as she had trained him had begun. It was time to close that door of her own just as Connor had closed that projector case.

If he had enough sense about him, Connor might feel a small and gentle mental caress press him. It was not meant to be intrusive, quite the opposite and it was a way of her showing him she was there and understanding of what he meant. Of anybody to run into, Jairdain had been in his situation before. A point in life where choices made today would effect what happened in the future.

"Baby steps, Connor. One at a time. If I might say something, I do think this is the right time. What I sense are second thoughts and guesses, which are natural, but are based off emotion and not logic."

If he stayed after saying​ he would be touch, he might feel a small sense of humor come off her.

"Getting in touch would prove difficult since I am without a place to stay here and we never shared contact information. Do you what you feel is right in this. Whatever that is, you won't be alone."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

She was right. Jairdain was right. Another knee-jerk reaction to the devil’s hand raking up his past, frontloading memories that had caused so much misery. He took a breath, putting the projector down on the stone beside him, and ran his hands over his face and through his hair.

”Yeah, that’d make sense."

Such a throwaway line – I’ll be in touch. How? When? Totally a nothing statement. His eyes were fixed on the skyline above the buildings and he just looked at nothing.

”Coci was like my sister." He didn’t even give Jairdain a warning of his train of thought. ”She stuck by me during my time with the Silvers and we were really close, forming secret units and working together for the greater good. But something about it all changed when I was getting more and more…stronger, I guess? We all were strong, but I think my destiny lay elsewhere. I wanted to the lead the Silver Jedi. Lead them to glory and greatness. But when she took the mantle with Thurion and they led the Order, it all changed."

It was all quite petty now one looked back; what he had lost because of his inability to accept change.

”Eventually we clashed, and I sold them out, and in return she stripped my Force connection and took my lightsaber. Not just ANY lightsaber. The hilt of the Skywalker family. I miss that thing."

He wondered if the hilt was safe, within the Jedi temple on Kashyyyk or if Coci had it. He wanted it back one day. A sigh ended his outpouring.

”Before I cross the Jedi, I need to face Coci Heavenshield again."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

Either her words or action of that caress grounded Connor and brought some thought to him. The demons from his past and his present concern clashed, but her words made sense. When she had returned to the Silver's after having been captured by the sith had also brought forth her own similar feelings.

Lifting an eyebrow only slightly when he said the Force had been stripped from him, Jairdain was entirely aware of just what that felt like. No matter what actions he had done that brought it about it, she had been months without the Force as well. Only once Krest had shattered her was it returned. By the hand of that sith.

What she gathered from his story of his past, he had hungered to lead and have that power. Already then, Connor had felt the pull of the dark, even if he hadn't known it. Maybe had been jealous of his friends and in turning on them he had hoped to have that power. In the end it sounded like it totally backfired on him and life had gotten worse for him.

Through the Force and on her face would been felt and seen sympathy along with curiosity. Jairdain wanted to know more of Connor. When he said before he could fully move on, he needed to face Coci, she was in agreement. In her own attempts to put her own past behind her, she had needed to confront her own tormentors and demons.

One had happened on Mirial, another on Iridonia and sadly the last one would never happen. The man that mentally scarred her was dead. Their mental connection had been severed when that happened and she would never be able to fully put that away.

"I have no idea how to make that happen or where to find the Heavenshileds. The only time I ever met them was on Voss when a..."

Now it was her turn to not be able to fully finish what she was going to say. Her own history with the Silver's and one person within them, another demon from her past she would never be able to deal with reared its head. The empty words and promises from that person reminded her of what happened and how blame could be laid at the feet of Arisa Yune for Jairdain ever having been held captive. She tried to push her own hurt aside and focus on Connor, but it might still be felt by him.

Letting out a sigh, she folded her hands in her lap and was able to continue.

"A new Grandmaster was appointed and the Heavenshilds made it clear they had no desire to take the mantle back."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

When Jairdain stopped, she didn’t hide it well, either with the unfinished story or her slight frown. That was what Connor picked up, and even when she tried to divert attention away, it stayed. It seemed both had come a long way from the Silver Jedi; once for the worse, now for the better.

And it seemed the stress of running an Order was too much if they retreated? Where? Connor knew very well where to find them. On the Eastern ice world of Midvinter. It would be a place as cold as his internal fight.

But he wanted to know more.

He reached out and took her hand, cupping it between his real and artificial one.

”Go on. I need to hear this. What happened? You can say."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

Even though Jairdain tried to keep her emotions on what happened to herself, she failed and Connor picked up on that. It was surprising he really wanted to know what had happened.

There was a faster way to tell him than speaking though. When he took her hand, there was a surrender within her. It had not been an obvious resistance or even anything negative. A barrier that had been built up came down and she opened to him.

Instead of speaking more than a few words to get the story started, Jairdain would tell him mentally. Starting from the time she found the Silver's, her first time being captured and return to them. The promise Arisa had made and second capture. In what could have taken hours to speak about, her history was laid bare to Connor. Her months of being without the Force and in the hands of the sith. The slow decline of her mentality and fall to the sith.

After that her memory began to get clouded with loss and confusion. The internal struggle she had with herself on an almost daily basis between the light and dark within her. Until the fateful day on Ossus when she returned to the welcoming arms of the Silver's. After that, things started to get clear again and the recovery she had with them. Her acceptance of the light and dark that made her who she was.

"Now it's your turn, Connor. What happened with you to get you here?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor didn’t pander to her tale, or her emotional state. There were no doe eyes or sweeping gestures she didn’t need – he squeezed her hand and gave it a little pat when her visions calmed that she projected. Her story bled through dark and light times, and they seemed to dance around the physical state of Jairdain sat before him while it played out. He understood her. That was key.

When she wanted to hear his story, he told her vocally.

It took a while, but he did his best to paint a calming picture of the path he walked from his days as a Padawan learner with the Silver Jedi, to Knight and Master and then his downfall. How he taught many, but saw them fall to corruption and injury from dark forces, each one adding a personal blame on his head for failing. He travelled the galaxy from one side to the other seeking out all he could to prevent the Sith gaining footholds across star systems, and made many friends and enemies during his quests.

When the balance shifted within the Order, so too did his vision. He wanted more control and more power to keep the fight strong – but others seemed to want to stop him, and others bled ideas into his head through manipulation and deception. His Dark Side grew into a more irrational power, fuelling his anger against allies and his resentment against Jedi holding him back.

It boiled over; friends became enemies. Exiled from his Order, stripped of his ranks and the Force, he was left a broken man and fuelled by hate.

The Dark Side grew, but it was without control and understanding. Enemies started to give him chances to side with them and support the cause to wipe out Jedi, even letting Connor sell out his former allies to prove himself.

From Sith Empires to the First Order, Connor became a servant to the Dark Side and the ones pulling strings. He saw the Knights Of Ren in action and witnessed new Lords and Ladies of the Sith rise and fall, each one after greater things. He suffered losses, physically and mentally, and never found the guidance he craved. It came to a head when he was captured by the Galactic Alliance and Silver Jedi following a First Order invasion, and while he escaped custody, he was done.

He had no friends, no real allies and a blurred mix of confrontation, desperation, rage, peace and strength.

Connor was helped find himself again by Confederacy forces, understanding his plight but offering to give him more purpose and more reason to live and BE somebody. It was a long process, but through this and lots of time spent in isolation, he started to find his inner voice to reason the light and dark inside him and look beyond his service as Jedi or Sith to see what greater position in the galaxy was.

One who had survived both Light and Dark, to be one to keep it at balance and to be one to help remove those threatening it and support those trying to maintain it.

”I probably could write a novel, but on the whole, that’s why I’m here now. And thankfully not dead."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

What she had left out of her story was her childhood and how she had grown up. It really did not pertain to their conversation, but it would be told in time if Connor asked about it.

As much as he understood her, she did him as well. Even though their paths had been different, there were many things that were similar. So far none of her padawans had taken a dark turn, but that number was very limited. As she thought and considered things though, her first one might have. That had been in her days with the Dominion and during her time of recovery with them. That padawan had stayed and Jairdain had no idea what had happened to her since.

There was one key difference between her and Connor. While she may have been a slave to the dark, she had never been anybody's follower. A young woman that was free to do whatever she wanted. It had brought her into conflict with the Silver's even. Like him, her friends had become enemies, but only for a time. The lies Krest had filled her mind with were seen through and when the First Order had invaded Ossus, she had started off as ally of them. In the end, though, that had sealed her fate and brought her back.

It seemed, the friends Connor had were the same that she had at one time. Through the entire exchange, each held that other's hand. Through that physical touch, so much more could be felt than either her vision or his words could express.

"I know of the Confederacy and spent a little time with one of their members."

Leaving out she thought the Silver's and Confederacy had some sort of alliance because she wasn't positive, there was a slight smile when he mentioned writing a novel.

"If I could write it for you, I would. Both of us have had many things happen and we could each write one. Yours I think would be a far better read than mine."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He smiled and nodded, only at the thought of the idea itself.

”I’m kicking myself. Why DIDN’T I write it all down in the months alone in space? It would be been remarkable to look back on, to study and not lose memories. You know, I think I will."

He needed a project.

”I’ll start that. As far back as I can remember, I’ll note down everything and the path taken. The names and places I can recall, through notes I’ve kept, images and artefacts. One day it may be discovered and be a fantastic journal of the past of the man called Connor. Hm. Good idea."

There was certainly a lot of adventures and drama tucked away in the old grey cells. Now at least after their time spent talking over the past, they could at least still smile and look back on it without turning sour. Of course they still hurt, but it had to be dealt with in the right way. A way that didn’t involve a breakdown, because that would just lead to an early grave.

”Do you want to get out of here? Go for a walk or something? We can compare stories on the way."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

It had been something Jairdain did in her own way. She had kept a verbal record of her travels and adventures. Held within a small device she spoke into. It included her time as captive with the Sith and her fall at their hands. In that time, she had been kept Force deprived and essentially in isolation. Her only companion was a droid that helped her and made sure she had doses of that drug to keep her without the Force. With no way to fight back, see or do anything, all she had was her recorder and she had used it regularly in that time.

That device she used to this day to keep track of her life. The recorder was more or less her diary. Nobody knew of it that was left alive now. Rather nobody but Jairdain knew the full usage of that device. It was her eyes and would read to her as she passed it over pages and some holographic displays. If she had thought of it, she would have mentioned her keeping of these stories to Connor, but she might eventually remember it.

"We have both learned from out past and aren't going to follow that path again. Neither of us will be chained like that or used by others in the same manner. Yet, we are still learning. There are still mistakes to be made and rectified. We just hope none will be as great as we have already gone through. Now new adventures wait for us."

No longer was there any anger in either of them and the feeling of revenge Connor had before they each told the other of their adventures was faded. He had calmed down and heard her suggestions. Taking them in, they had journeyed into their respective pasts and come out the other side. He asked if she would like to take a walk and get away from the fountain. Giving his flesh hand a squeeze, there was a soft smile and she nodded.

"I would like that, Connor Harrison."

[member="Connor Harrison"]