It's A Hard Life

[Connor Harrison]

It was settled then. Connor rose, scooping up the holoprojector and pocketed it. He then held his hand out to help Jairdain up.

”Let's go for a walk then."

While he only knew the city a little, he wasn't sure where the hot-spots were, but it was nice just to walk. Go where the wind took you. Be spontaneous and wild. He saw the First Order troopers on patrol near the embassy, and noted how people reacted - some fearful, some appreciative. This truly was a neutral world hanging by a thread. One wrong move could tip the balance.

But, he ignored that for now. He wasn't here to create a rebellion, as she had teased. He was here just to find himself a little and see the wider places that systems had to offer.

”Tell me, Jairdain, if you could be anything in this life - what would you want to be?"

He led the walk at a slow, leisurely pace and wanted to explore the wishes and dreams he had as a young man; if you could be anything, what would your destiny make you?

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

Accepting the hand he offered, she allowed Connor to help her up and kept a hold of it unless he pulled away. It seemed to her just the simple act of holding his hand allowed them more freedom to feel and understand one another better. What she felt might all be in her mind though, but it did not seem wrong.

There was no purpose to their steps or the directions they took. Just a simple stroll through the city. The weather was fair and her weather sense didn't indicate there was a storm coming.

Her view of the people was different than what he saw, but Jairdain read how they felt. It seemed to her that a single spark could ignite the flame of war even here. In her time with the sith, it had happened. On Yutan and she had been involved. That was the last time she could say with certainty she had truly been dark. After that her mind had started to break again and dispel the lies it had been filled with.

Connor asked if she could be anything, what would it be. Around her would be a clear sense of thought and in the end she shook her head.

"If we would have met a few years ago, my answer would been a consular or diplomat. Lady Kay here allowed me to fill the position of advisor to her son. Now though, I'm not sure. I don't see myself as a great leader, but I want to pass on my knowledge. Maybe a scholar of some sort. But that isn't quite right either. That would be like trying to cage a wild bird, I need to be outside and not cooped up."

Not knowing if her loss​ for an answer would make any sense to him, Jairdain stopped and tilted her head slightly to look in his direction. Even if she was sightless, she had picked up many actions over time to indicate certain things. In this case, interest.

"What about you? You're not a revolutionary any longer."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor smiled at her ideas.

”A wild bird? No cage can contain you. It’s never too late to find yourself leading, or emerging into something great."

They slowed to let a speeder past, a small convoy of them on the way to the royal residences coming in from outside. Following the speeders back, he saw the glistening ocean on the outskirts and the yachts and liners sailing there. More and more he saw life on the sea as an interest – one day he would have to try it.

Spend some days on the ocean waves and see where the waters takes him.

”Jairdain, I don’t know why these rumours about me being some trouble keep coming up," he said, returning his attention to her, ”but they are probably true, so don’t tell anyone."

What to be with his life.

”I hope to lead one day. I have a wealth of experience, safe to say, and I don’t want to waste it. I want to help others find a safe, worthy path and lead them to fight for what they feel is right. To cleanse this galaxy of the corruption rotting it on both sides."

There was a hint of fire in his voice and passion when he laid out what he envisioned.

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

When she was young and naïve, believing fully in the Jedi way, a nickname had been given to her. Zi'rial, it came from a now dead sith lord and it meant sparrow in the language of the Zabrak. Time had passed and when she spoke of being a caged bird, it might have implied what she had been.

There was hope in what Connor said. It made her wonder if she ever would rise to be something great. What that might be, Jairdain had no idea about. Time would tell what would happen for her.

As the train of speeders drove past, she saw each one through the Force. These people seemed content on going about their day to day lives. Doing what was needed to make ends meet at the end of the day. Just like pretty much everybody else in the galaxy.

Listening to what he said about rumors that swirled around him and Connor's request she not tell anybody caused her shake her head slightly. Barely a noticeable movement, but it might be seen or felt. To her rumors were always based on truth, but usually embellished and added onto. What might have been equal to a pebble in a pond was exaggerated into a comet.

"Who would I tell and what purpose would it serve? Other than your expressed desire to lead, which many people have, you have not shared any confidential or secret information with me. However, what we have spoken about will stay with me. Anything we share in the future will stay with me as well. Part of the role of being a consular. There is a need to keep things quiet when something is said in confidence."

Traffic opened up so they could continue with the walk. Hearing what he said about finding a safe and worthy path for others, she thought on that for moment. She had not truly given thought there might be corruption on both sides and that made her pause before speaking again. It made sense though. Taking things too far in either was a bad thing. One of the reasons she was happy to be on the path she was.

"I will help you with your dream and perhaps what I want do will become clear to me during this journey."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

The city opened up for them, with the waters to the left and the bustling nexus on the right. Connor smiled at Jairdain’s naivety.

”Oh, please, I know you wouldn’t. I was only teasing. I know you wouldn’t say anything, but it wouldn’t bother me if you did. I think my name was meaningful at one point. Now? Just a memory. I’ll hopefully rectify that in time."

He guided them across the front where it was a little quieter. A few merchant stands were erected selling items for the nice weather; sun shades, fresh drinks, model boats for sailing on the water. Commenor seemed to provide for all.

”I’ll treat you to a drink. What do you like?"

He suddenly felt naïve himself about her impaired vision – would she be able to make out items and words, or was the Force simply about materialistic things? This was something he was lacking insight into…no pun intended.

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

There was amusement that came off Connor as she spoke and even though she had been serious in what she said, when he replied Jairdain join in with a little smile. What he said was accurate though. At one time his name was more well known, but time passed and people moved beyond what happened.

"You want go down in history books. Hopefully not as a martyr. For some reason I don't see that happening though. What did your name mean? What do you want your name to mean?"

Two questions ​she should also ask herself, but they weren't anything she considered. Never once did the thought cross her mind that she might actually have made a name for herself in any manner. Nor did she think she made a difference to anybody or their lives.

Connor offered her a drink and it only took a moment for her think of an answer.

"Just some fruit juice would be nice. Thank you."

If he had asked if she ​could read, the answer was no. Unless it was something etched onto an item and even then she had no understanding of written language.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor let go of her arm as they walked a little more to a vendor selling drinks and snacks for the residents of the city out on walks, the commuters, tourists and officers of the royal household. A Gran served him with two drinks; bright red and blue fruit drinks in a glass of ice. It was dispensed from a refrigerator running from a generator, yet it smelt good and refreshing.

With a thanks, he turned and held the drink out for Jairdain.

”I have no idea what this is, but hopefully it’s sweet and refreshing."

He took a sip with her – it was cold, but sweet. And sharp. A nice mixture, and it was refreshing.

”Mm. Nice." He sipped his again. ”I remember when I was a Master in the Silvers, it was the Padawans and Knights who came to me looking for guidance and help in training. And then, in battle or during off-world expeditions, I’d run into people or Lords who knew my name from my actions – it rippled across to allies and enemies, and I meant something. I was a welcome friend, or a feared foe."

He blew out a sigh and sipped again.

”Now I’m just…him."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

Accepting the cold drink when Connor held it out to her, she took a sip of it when he did. It was a mix of real fruit and some exotic flavors Jairdain was unable to place. The colors involved were lost on her, but it was something nice to drink and that is what mattered.

She listened to what he said about his name, what it had meant. How it was both a blessing a curse. On a much smaller scale, she had been the same. There was a difference between them, Jairdain never remembered her name being feared. What she could do might have been, but she wasn't a fighter in the physical sense and instead a mentalist.

Obviously her time spent with the Silver's had been when she was a padawan and knight. The rank of master had not been gained while with them on an official level. As time had passed and she went through various trials, her evolution from knight to master had been natural. Now it was almost universally accepted by them, but it wasn't something she exploited or flaunted. When she introduced herself, rarely did Jairdain use any title and instead only her name.

"When I was a knight, a set of actions I did brought to me the attention of the sith. At the same time, I had fellow Jedi come to me for help. So in a way, our pasts are similar, but I don't think I ever brought fear to anybody. Not sure I want to either. My position here as the advisor to the crown prince, he came to me for help. In that capacity and with the view Commenor holds on staying home, so to say, any attention I had gained before has moved on. So in a way, we are alike. We are just us. Two people trying to find their places once again."

Looking inwardly, Jairdain felt the two of them would become known again, but not how.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor began to walk again, drinking as he did and listening.

”If I can ask, what action did you take to attract the Sith? Was there a point that just stopped you in your tracks and made you look at everything, or everyone, differently?"

He spoke first to aid her in the answer.

”I think mine came with the change in leadership with the Silver Jedi. Everything seemed to shift and I didn’t like how. They seemed to want to shrink away from taking action and taking the fate of others into their own hands. They were scared." He took a drink. ”My patience was thin and I saw them act in different ways that I didn’t like. And more and more it felt like they were pushing me to the side because they didn’t like the way I wanted to get things done."

Meeting with Coci and Thurion – if he ever did- would be hard because he would want to identify his failings as a Jedi and a leader. It was the only way to answer the nagging demons that always haunted him. Everything happened at once it seemed. The loss of Corvus. The steady transition of Heavenshield power. The emergence of Sith. Too much at the same time for a single man to contend with and try to change for the better.

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

It was not that difficult to figure out what single action had brought the unwanted attention of the sith to her, but the story on getting to that point was a long one. Deciding to just keep it simple, Jairdain took a sip of the frozen juice before speaking.

"There was a government that wanted both the light and dark to work together peacefully and for a while that was accomplished. However, the sith outside of this government didn't view those sith or dark side followers as real so they attacked. The Silver's actually went and helped this government. In that battle, it was arranged for me to be in a shuttle above the battle field where I could perform Battle Meditation. That action is what caused a certain few sith to notice me. After that they made it their quest to have me taken captive alive."

His next question brought her some moments of thought. Listening to his answer, she couldn't help but nod in understanding. They may have missed each other within the Silver's before, but when she returned from her first captivity, she witnessed the appointment of a new Grand Master. That was not what brought her to view things differently though. It was while with the sith when that happened. Her rank at that time was that of a knight and she had no say in anything official, but was invited there as a witness to history.

From his point of view, he pushed to the side as his views conflicted with those that were in charge or getting put there.

"Would it surprise you to know I was present for a similar change of Grand Masters?"

When she had joined and for a few months had been one woman as Grand Master and then she was taken captive. Then soon after her return, Arisa became the Grand Master. At her death, it fell on Valae.

"It might be odd, but I spent a small amount of time with the First Order at the time they invaded Ossus. I had learned they were going to be going there and they accepted me into their ranks for a time. My mind was so fuzzed and cloudy with the codes of the sith, jedi and my own all scrambled together. I guess I had two points in my life when I started viewing things differently. When my mind was broken by the sith and after I recovered when I returned to the Silver's after Ossus. Now well I am back on the path of my people, but without the zealotry that went with it. Time and knowledge has given me a more even view on things and I rather like it. Instead of feeling any dark or negative must be purged, I accept it. Both within myself and within others."

A squeeze of his hand might be too much, but Jairdain did it anyway. It felt right and would indicate she accepted that part of Connor and what came with it. They might both have balance of a sort, but she was not on the side of dark. In a way, they balanced each other. Him with his slightly darker calling and her with the lighter. She wondered if he could sense that as well.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Again, it seemed both their paths had taken them on similar directions, just at different times. He did feel the squeeze of her hand, but he didn’t let it show, and squeezed back.

”I understand your path. It all sounds very familiar, and thank you for telling it to me. From one who knows, it’s not easy to comprehend or put into words when it all seems like a lifetime ago, but was so….crucial in shaping who you become."

He took a long drink, taking in some ice and chewing it with a crunch.

”I didn’t know the Grandmaster after Thurion, or what happened behind closed doors for the Silvers. If you could tell me a little more one time, I would really appreciate it. If I want to go back there for answers, I need to know what and who I’m dealing with." Whether it would work out for the best, he didn’t know. ”I won’t go there hoping for the best, or the worst."

The Silvers were one of the keys to getting to Coci and understanding why she had left, and what she was doing now. And also their goals now they were edging into the Mid-Rim. From the East, they were a present power. Now, they had tendrils towards the Core and he didn’t know for what purposes or who would suffer because of it.

”My time with the First Order was short. I was looking for a void to fill, a desperate one. It never really provided me with purpose, and I life for that. Yes, I stood with them and learnt their ways and conventions, but for what? Nothing, as much as I could see. Just another war machine led by a deluded visionary."

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

She was now a person that was unable to hide her feelings behind a façade on her face. So when Connor returned that squeeze, it might be seen the message was clear to her. Even if there were no words to describe it, they shared the feeling of unity.

His understanding brought a sense of surprise from her. It faded quickly though and she listened to what he was saying. It was under that Grand Master that Jairdain had joined the Silver's and after her it was Arisa when she returned.

"I can, of course only answer from the time I was present. Anything that happened when I was captive, I don't have the answers for. One thing I will say for Valae is she is a wonderful person. Helped me in my recovery after the battle on Ossus and get my mind back together. She gave me a purpose and goals to accomplish. Taught me a lesson I am never going to forget too."

Maybe it might be something Connor would appreciate even. Taking a sip of the drink before continuing, Jairdain thought about it and decided to give it to him too.

"Even when your own life is at its worst or you think it is, there are always people that need help. When I returned to the Silver's, I was essentially a captive while they made sure I wasn't going to...well, remain sith and try to hurt them. Once it became clear that wasn't my intention and I was on my way to recovering, she made a special visit to me. Passed that bit of knowledge and wisdom on."

It was all she would say on Valae, her own interaction with her was still rather lost in that cloudy time of her life. Bits and pieces like that were clear, but the rest not so much. When Connor said he had been with the First Order for only a short period of time, she nodded. With a small smile, she would appear to be looking in front of them, but her mind's focus was on him.

"I will imagine my time with them was much shorter. Not long after I had a run in with them. I was with the Silver's and they, the First Order were trying to blockade an area of space. Me not being the best in combat made my way to an area on the bridge of an Alliance where I could provide mental support again. Once there, I was again bringing Battle Meditation into play and two people made sure I wasn't interrupted while doing that."

What he said of the war machine ran by somebody that deluded made total sense.

"Isn't that what most are lead by?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Chewing the ice, feeling the cold against his teeth, Connor shrugged. As much as he liked to wonder about what made the galaxy turn and who were the ones at the wheel, it changed so much. Allies became enemies, enemies became allies. Internal conflict could devour a group of fighters and they’d cease to exist, or new heroes could ignite the fuse and start a cataclysm of explosions to shape things for the better. Or worse.

”We just have to keep surviving. That’s all we can do, it’s what we are best at."

He wiped his chin and looked down at the drink in his hand, rattling the smaller chips of ice at the bottom of the red liquid.

”Sometimes I stop myself from saying or doing things I want, because I’m worried once I do it, there’s no going back. I push and I progress to the point I can’t go any further, then I fall away again. Part of me thinks I was never destined to serve the Dark Side, but simply serve the Light in a less conventional way." He didn’t like thinking on ideas he once scalded. ”I always seem drawn to that side of the fight because it makes more sense when you say it out loud. But if you say it out loud, it’s like you’re admitting something to yourself you may not want to.”

He looked at Jairdain, hoping she had kept up.

”Does that make sense? Being scared to admit something that may change everything for the good or worse?"

[member="Jairdain"]

 

[Jairdain]

Even if it was more of a distracted comment by him, Jairdain followed up with one of her own.

"Some people are better at living from day to day than others. There are few out there that seem to need their hands held to accomplish much of anything. I'm not talking about children either. That comes with the territory there."

As Connor continued on with his thought on the light and dark within himself and how he may have served the light in a less than conventional way, she couldn't help but understand. He finished by asking if what he said made sense to her. Some of it was quite clear, while other details were lost on her. From what Jairdain did comprehend of what he meant, they were quite similar.

"I think it does. While I followed the dark myself, I wasn't fully invested. That light in me fought the entire time. So maybe there was a short period where I was immersed in that corruption, but in time I figured out it wasn't meant for me. What I did learn in that time though, I still use today in service of the light more."

Not saying or acting on something she also understood.

"Afraid of what might happen. A day will always come when one can't sit on the fence and a decision must be given voice or action. That is a day dreaded or feared, but when it comes, thought will have already been given. A choice will be made that will alter something for good or bad. That is a given. On which side of the line do you feel you go to? While I feel I am quite neutral in many things, that is tested often enough for me to know I go more to the light."

[member="Connor Harrison"]