Private In Quiet Dreams I Walk Alone

[Judah Lesan]

LOCATION: DREAMLAND
WEARING: This | TAG: Malcoma Hesse​

His nightmare was never ending. From the moment Srina Talon had taken him on Woostri, Judah Lesan remained a prisoner of his own mind. It was the same thing. Every day he woke up thinking he was finally free and reunited with his wife Katara Starkos. Every day he ignited his lightsaber and extinguished the only light remaining in his life.

She was dead.

He was to blame.

The prison was one of his own mind, guilt, shame, and condemnation. Judah had always blamed himself for the death of his Red, and the Sith Empress had latched onto it. Everything which Judah had ever held dear, the Echani peeled away from him bit by bit. He could feel his anger rising. The desire to lash out and simply end the Dread Queen continued to build. It was just one more battle he had to fight. How easy it would be to give in, but Judah knew the price of it. If he gave in to the anger and the hate, he would fall.

She was not trying to kill him. She was trying to turn him.

There was one thing, one light, one memory, Judah had buried so deep that Srina had yet to find it. Perhaps it was easy to hide because it did not make sense. Why would a criminal and a Jedi be together? In a galaxy which played by the rules it would not even be possible. Perhaps that was the beauty of it. The galaxy rarely played by the conventional rules that sentient life demanded it follow.

Jedi had once denied the power of love. Judah knew why. He had made his fair share of bad decisions when it came to the emotion. Attachment did lead to the dark side. Yet, attachment also led to the light. For the Jedi Shadow, it was what had grounded him.

Malcoma Hesse had become his center.

She was his center.

Judah pushed against the nightmare. He found small cracks on occasion where he could hide from the pain and the torture it caused. His memories of Mal remained undefiled and untouched. The annoyance in her voice when she called him an idiot because it was not registering that she was telling him she wanted to be with him. Judah remembered the way her lips tasted when they shared their first kiss. He had been shocked at how soft they were. His mind replayed the token he gave her before leaving for Woostri.

Red’s necklace.

Judah knew Kat would have wanted Mal to have it. The Shadow was glad Mal had it now. If he did not survive she would at least know what she truly meant to the Jedi. His mind was made up on what he would do the moment he was free. It was something he should have done when he gave Mal the necklace.

For now, Judah let that thought rest as he began to feel the sun on his face. He had retreated deep into a new memory, a dream of what could be. The smell of the forest which surrounded his cabin on Corellia filled his nostrils. Judah stood in the open clearing practicing his katas as he did every morning. Some would call it prayer, the religious Jedi would. For Judah they were simple reminders of life and his friend and partner Cambria Zadira.

He could hear the kettle in the distance. It was his signal to return. Breakfast and tea would be waiting for him by the time he walked in through the door. Judah smiled as the familiar golden locks of his lover came into view.

This was his happy place.

“Hey you…”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

She was wearing a dress he had never seen before, gentle as the golden sun of loving memory, warm and safe but also fleeting. Her face was bare of all but the smallest touches of makeup. Katara's necklace lay against her bare collarbone. Droplets of perfume against her clean skin diffused the notes of gardenia throughout the kitchen on the gentle breeze blowing through the open window, mixing with the faint cedar and citrus of the woods beyond.

This was the way that attachment could lead to the Light.

"Couldn't stay away?" she teased from the counter as she pleated a sheet of lox and arranged it on top a slice of toast smeared with cream cheese. Before he could respond, she turned around with two plates in her hands. Perhaps it was just that he hadn't seen it for weeks—months, maybe—but the brilliance of her smile seemed to rival that of the sun.

"Lucky old me." There was no hint of sultry sarcasm in her voice as she walked over to where Judah sat at the table. A teapot with its cozy sat in the center, and two places had been set with utensils, a napkin, and mugs. Mal set both plates down in their rightful places, but she didn't move to sit beside him. Instead, she reached to pour him a cup of tea.

Judah Lesan​

 

[Judah Lesan]

LOCATION: WOOSTRI
WEARING: This | TAG: Malcoma Hesse​

And just like that it was gone.

Whatever pain and torture he felt slipped away into the radiance that he found in the smile which Malcoma greeted him with. This was how he fought against the darkness which threatened to consume him.

“This is my house,” he teased.

The scent of gardenia filled the room. It was subtle, but enough that he knew it was there. It drowned out the ever present fragrance of jasmine and rain which was the signature of his captor. Every breath was a reminder of happy times. There were memories associated with the scent that would forever be engrained in his mind. Even now his mind chased the first time he had taken it in. He recalled how her skin felt the first time they were together in an intimate way. Judah relived it all in a moment, and then he was face to face with her smile once more.

Steam from the tea wafted into the air as Judah waited for Mal to finish pouring the cup. There was no reality where the two of them were domesticated, but Judah clung to it. It was a pure wish. As long as he was a Jedi and she clung to her life of crime there would be no true rest or peace for them. It would always be stolen moments and hidden mornings. Judah still held the hope close to his chest. He would not be a Jedi forever.

“Thank you.”

He leaned over and kissed her arm as she pulled the kettle away. The teacup was raised to his lips in the next instant, and he blew across the surface of it to cool the water slightly. He did not mind hot liquid, and tolerated the heat better than most he knew. A cautious sip passed into his mouth before a larger sip followed it. Judah leaned back in the chair and took everything in.

“I should say lucky me,” a happy chuckle and sigh escaped him. “How in the world you ever agreed to keep me around I will never understand.”

 

[Malcoma Hesse]

“This is my house.”

She laughed. "Details, details."

She traded his teacup for her chair, easing down into it. As he took a sip of his tea, she did the same for the caf that had been cooling down for her. He leaned back and she leaned towards him, attempting to take one of his hands up in both of hers. If successful, the warmth left in both of their palms mingled. "You're a good man, darling," she told him though he hadn't asked for an answer.

The Mal out there in the galaxy somewhere would never say that aloud, but that didn't mean that she didn't think it, didn't know it, didn't want to say it. It sat in her guarded heart like a caged bird. Judah wasn't flattering himself with this dream, just allowing what could be, what could happen between them, to sweep in as if there were no boundaries and no baggage.

She moved one hand to caresses his cheek. "Good to me. Good to my girls. Good to the galaxy." A hint of a teasing smile again graced her lips. "If anything, I should be wondering why it lets me share you."

The joke dropped from her face. Her smile stayed, morphing into something loving again. "But I know that the same man who leaves me will always come back."

That was a level of trust she had never had before, let alone with a man. Talk about going from near zero all the way to one hundred.

Judah Lesan​