Private I Need To Be Able To Look Myself In The Mirror

[Elise Ahana-Gwyneira]

No matter how much time she spent in the cities of Denon, Elise still hated it. She sighed, walking through the metro. After being firmly warned by a Jedi to stop vigilante work, Elise saw no further reason to stay here. Let Denom rot in its pit of crime, if the Jedi would much rather root out crime fighters instead of actual criminals. Every day, Elise was becoming more and more convinced that the Jedi were just as bad as her studies made them out to be.

With a sigh, the exiled Mandalorian was about to approach a train station when she passed by an alleyway. Inside, she saw several silhouettes dancing in the shadows next to a dumpster. The hooded girl looked over, seeing upon closer inspection that a robbery was taking place. Two thieves, pairing up against a poor soul being slammed into the dumpster.

Elise took a step forward.

Then...

She grimaced, looking away and towards the train station.

No. I've been warned not to. I can't help people in this war if I'm in jail for taking out criminals.

She forced her foot, heavy like lead, towards the train station. The sounds of the beatdown echoed in her ears as she forced the other foot forward as well. One step. Two step.

Just move towards the station. Ignore it. Walk away. Walk away. Walk away.

"Help-!"

Elise gritted her teeth, tearing up as she paused at the plea for aid.

No! I was told that I can't!

Another punch pounded in her eardrums. And another. And another.

She clenched her fist.

"Karking hoth."

She faced the direction of the alleyway.

Using a war bottle, Elise wetted a corner of her cloak and lifted it to the young man, dabbing his wound. He winced, be accepted the help. In the corner, the two thugs were unconscious and tied up. The Mandalorian frowned, lowering her cloth.

"You should be alright now. The train station is just outside the alley."

The man picked himself up. He was bruised, but no bones were broken. He nodded silently.

"Thank you."

As he walked away, Elise let go of her cloak's edge. She pushed herself up from the garbage bag she had been seated on. She tapped her buy'ce, hung on her hip. She reached back and pushed some hair behind her ear. She realized, however, that she could sense another presence here.

She looked behind her. On the rooftop above, another figure stood, watching. Panic flooded her when she recognized how the Force was strong in him. She... had been caught.

She frowned, looking away. Well, she blew it. She grimaced, speaking as she lifted her hands in the air.

"Arrest me if you want, Jedi. I just couldn't walk away from it..."

Tears flooded her eyes. Fear gripped her as she imagined paying penance for her betrayal of her people... at the hands of the people she had defected towards. Her family, her home, and her desire to see Archais again instead of being in binds. Tears slipped down her cheek, as she once again suffered for doing what she thought was right. And yet, she would have been unable to live with herself if she had chosen any different.

"I need to be able to look myself in the mirror."

Connel Vanagor

 

[Connel Vanagor]

I learned from my mother and father, but I am not them!​

Spoiler: PERSONAL EFFECTS

Jedi Defender Light Corvette
"Crotch Rocket" Speederbike
Headset Microphone Comm-link
Vambraces
Custom Robes/Armor
Long handle Lightsaber "Alpha"
Short saber "Omega"
Astromech Droid "D1-N3"

[Any text in brackets signifies comm-link usage and not face to face conversation]
SECTOR: Denon
MISSION: Doing some droid parts shopping
TAGS: Elise Ahana-Gwyneira

Denon was not a planet that Connell frequented, in fact he had been here a total of four times.

Three of them were as a child with his mother.

However, getting off the metro at the station was what he was doing right now.
“Bets” (B3-T5), his astromech needed a couple of replacement parts for “his extender arm” and there was a dealer here that had the best equipment. He charged up the yin-yang but was relatively honest and if he sold it, it was worth buying. Of course the problem was the metro area itself, a bed of crime and depravity. It wasn’t a terror of a planet, just annoying in that he always had to “work”.

Then he heard the cries of a man, small in stature, right in view. He was being robbed.

Son… of… a…

Running into a sprint, the young Knight pulled out his shortsaber “Omega”’s hilt, no sense in pulling his primary. That was until it was the view changed, a woman, a gun wielding woman looking eerily Mandalorian was breaking up the attempted crime. So, while he still had work to do, he slowed to a walk. This was not going to be fun, was this an invasion? A scouting party? Did Connell stumble onto something he should not have? No, she was just breaking up a robbery…

She can’t though, it’s illegal, which is weird when you think about it, but it is.

She’s confessing?

Wha?

This was weird, what is going on here? It looks like this woman is having an emotional breakdown in front of him. Was she the one in the report he had read? So help me understand…

Then she said it, the exact reason his father was a Jedi, the reason he was a Jedi. It wasn’t about “light” or “dark” for him, it was about the choices you make. That was what was important and to him, if she could not walk away from someone in danger if she could help them, then he could not fault her for that.

Putting his weapon away, Connell just propped his hands on his hips. Okay, calm down. You’ve convinced me. Scratching his head, he tilted. I’m not going to regret this, am I? I mean, we’re at war with the Enclave.
He clearly did not know about who she was.

 

[Elise Ahana-Gwyneira]

Elise looked up in shock when the Jedi let her slide. A flood of relief drowned her as she earnestly smiled at the Jedi as he spoke to her. Then, he mentioned the Enclave and the war. She frowned, looking to the ground.

"I'm not Enclave. Not anymore. I fought at Lwekk, tried to protect its civilians from the invasion."

Flashes of memory, her brutal duel with her own sister, made her grimace. She reached and pulled her red hood over her head, seeking its comfort.

"Like I said, I need to be able to look myself in the mirror. I couldn't let them keep on what they were doing."

She looked to the Jedi with a frown, remorse and heartbreak in her eyes. It had hardly been an easy decision.

She tugged at her cloak and wiped her tears away with it. As she regained her composure, she spoke again.

"The trash smells, want to talk in the metro? I'm Elise, by the way. And thank you."

By the softness in her voice, it was obvious how deeply heartfelt that thank you was.

Connel Vanagor

 

[Connel Vanagor]

I learned from my mother and father, but I am not them!​

Spoiler: PERSONAL EFFECTS

Jedi Defender Light Corvette
"Crotch Rocket" Speederbike
Headset Microphone Comm-link
Vambraces
Custom Robes/Armor
Long handle Lightsaber "Alpha"
Short saber "Omega"
Astromech Droid "D1-N3"

[Any text in brackets signifies comm-link usage and not face to face conversation]
SECTOR: Denon
MISSION: Doing some droid parts shopping
TAGS: Elise Ahana-Gwyneira

Okay, not a problem. He wasn’t sure that he believed her, but Connell, while keeping “aware” was not going to make her feel like a prisoner or that she was damned no matter what she did. She was clearly defeated in everything and right now, maybe it was true. Maybe the Force did indeed have a sense of humor. While he did not believe, judging from her mannerisms that she was indeed acting, it was possible. Then again…

Okay, this is not something I am used to, so please excuse any awkwardness I am exhibiting.

Then she mentioned the smell.

It was as if his nose had a “vacuum” switch that turned on and into overdrive and he smelled it. Nodding at the idea, Connell held out a hand for Elise to lead the way. You drink caf?

 

[Elise Ahana-Gwyneira]

As they exited the ally, Elise grinned at the suggestion of caffeine. "Are you kidding? I can't live without it!"

Within the station, there was a mini coffee shop stall for waiting customers. The Jedi and Mandalorian made their way there. Elise was terrible with Force Empathy and reading people alike - despite her gregarious personality and strong Force Sense. She tried to get a feel for the young man, and sensed and honest and good natural, though wary, emotional reading from him. She could not blame him for being suspicious, as Mandalorians were viewed with scorn by the entire Galactic Alliance at the moment. A small part of her, however, was still hurt.

"If you must know, I can show you my memories of that night. My Psychometry is sharp enough, all it would take is a handshake."

The depressive expression on her face remained as they approached the stall. The neon menu before them was in desperate need of repair. Elise started reading the order numbers off to herself as she crossed her arms in contemplation. When she saw the droid whirl to the counter to take the order, Elise gave the droid an earnest smile and nod. Clearly, she saw droids as sentient.

"Hello there! I'll just have a double shot of espresso, please."

The droid was pleasantly surprised to be treated well at his miserable post, but he took the orders that she and the Jedi gave him before turning to prepare the beverages.

Elise sighed, strumming her fingers on her armored arm as she waited. "I was about to leave Denon. I'm not exactly welcome here, especially as some rogue vigilante prancing around. I'm getting the message that the Galactic Alliance doesn't need my help."

She chuckled pathetically, at her own folly, "I could try to join your army, but I doubt that you have any Mandalorian units in your ranks. And I've given up so much already, I'm not hanging up my beskar'gam for some standard trooper armor."

She sighed. The coffee was placed down before her, and she took it up in her hands. She gently blew on the swirling steam, taking in that delectable aroma of coffee beans.

"I can't stand by what the Enclave is doing though. I can understand taking needed territory, to an extent. But their methods have been... horrible. What's even worse is that the rest of my family supports this crusade. I'm no fool. I know we have a dark history. We have our heroes, but we also have our bloodthirsty warmongers marching down history. I... struggle to reconcile at times, but I am Mandalorian born and raised."

She looked up to the Jedi with a determined face. It was still weary, and bitter anger could be seen in her eyes, but there was still drive. Purpose. "I don't know where I land in this galaxy. I have my home on Archais, with the Coven, but I can't just hide there forever. Not when this galaxy faces ruin once again."

She frowned, looking back down to her espresso. She took a sip, then continued. "I want to protect people. I want to help others. Like you Jedi do - though, obviously we have various philosophical disagreements beyond that. I don't know where I'm going, but I'll try not to cause any more trouble for your law enforcement."

She shrugged, sarcasm taking her as she muttered, "I mean, you lot obviously didn't want any help cuffing the actual criminals down here."

Connel Vanagor

 

[Connel Vanagor]

I learned from my mother and father, but I am not them!​

Spoiler: PERSONAL EFFECTS

Jedi Defender Light Corvette
"Crotch Rocket" Speederbike
Headset Microphone Comm-link
Vambraces
Custom Robes/Armor
Long handle Lightsaber "Alpha"
Short saber "Omega"
Astromech Droid "D1-N3"

[Any text in brackets signifies comm-link usage and not face to face conversation]
SECTOR: Denon
MISSION: Grabbing some caf
TAGS: Elise Ahana-Gwyneira

Sitting down at the cafe, Connell, just pointed.

Haiselnuht, iced please. Could I get a berry muffin as well? Her offer to show him her memories were met with nothing but the palm of his hand and a shake of his head, she was clearly emotionally defeated at this point. Maybe this was a ploy, maybe not, but she did not have to act and she did.

My name is Connel by the way, Connel Vanagor. Just relax, if I was intent on making things different, we would be arguing in that alley right now.
Then he listened to her story, about what she was going through and how she was “mind-reading” and “fortune-telling” in regards to her past, present, and future options. She was right in several aspects, but in just as many, she was wrong. As the server brought their drinks, Connell took a couple of spoonfuls of sugar and dunked them into his iced caf and stirred.

Not going to judge your motivations. You are more than entitled to them, and you’re right, there is some issue with law enforcement. However, you have more options than you think. Coruscant Guard? Corsec? In fact… I sense the Force in you, have you petitioned the Jedi? There have been Mandalorian Jedi in the past.

Letting her think about that, as well as collect her thoughts, he took a bite of his muffin.

 

[Elise Ahana-Gwyneira]

Elise laughed. Full on, loud and boisterous, belly laughed. She had to take a moment to calm down, back throbbing from laughter as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Me a Jedi? That's hilarious!"

Her hand slammed against the table as she finally calmed down, "Sorry! I don't mean to laugh! You're so sweet for suggesting that to me! But-"

She burst out laughing again.

Of course, she eventually did calm down. She rubbed her eyes clear from tears, then looked to Connel Vanagor with an amused, but earnest, smile.

"You really think that the Jedi are the only ones out there? I joined the Dreamseer Coven of Archais when I was twelve. I'm a shaman, travel through dreams and interpret visions and stuff. It's pretty sweet."

She motioned to the Medallion Chains on her belt. They had various symbols on them. The Clan Vizsla crest, the Mandalorian Mythosaur symbol. But also, things less recognizable to a Jedi with little knowledge of Novanian culture. The masks of the Ancient Ones, such as Arr'Huwal. The Mother's Root plant, growing strong with its mythical properties. The Seer Mask of Elise's own mentor in the order, Siyarr. All medallions were placed on a chain, made with intricacy and distinct design. It was like how all Jedi used a lightsaber hilt, but every hilt had a unique design.

Elise giggled, taking another sip of her espresso, "I appreciate the sentiment though. But either way, I doubt I would make a good fit for the Jedi Code."

"I know that I am emotional, by default. And the Jedi frown down upon the kinds of passions I'd embrace. Not only that, but Mandalorian creeds and the Jedi Code often have a way of conflicting. There are Mandalorian Jedi, yes, but the mixing of the two are often untraditional and, may I dare say, bastardized."

She swirled the coffee in her mug, "But I also was always a person of action. The Jedi have a way of being complacent and pacifist. I admire the Jedi for their desire to protect others, but I often times feel that they are not willing to truly get their hands dirty to get things done. Unwilling to keep the peace, if the means is too violent."

Elise then decided to move on from that, "But we could argue about the Jedi Code and whether it's right all day long, couldn't we?"

With a smirk of amusement, she took another gulp of espresso. "I'm more of a free bird as well. I don't want to be restricted to one planet or station. I could fly the entire galaxy. I could visit every historical Force Nexus, rediscover old holocrons, sightsee black holes and nebulas.. And save some lives along the way, help people in need. That is..."

She miserably bit her lip, "... once this karking war gets done and over with. If I have the will to, after fighting my own family and watching my own people fall."

She sighed, pushing her mostly empty cup away from her. "Could you possibly understand that? The feeling of breaking your mother's heart? Letting down your grandfather's legacy? Fighting your own sister on the battlefield? My late father and aunt's memories, may the Manda preserve them, tarnished by the betrayal of the gifted offspring who threw all her potential away?"

She looked over to the Jedi, confused and forsaken. "I used to know who I was. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do and why. But the blood of my fellow vode is on my hands. I can't wash it off. I chose the lives of strangers over the preservation of my people. I know I would still do it all again if given the chance. I couldn't live with myself if I chose to fight beside them, terrorizing weaker worlds. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. And I still don't know if I can look myself in the mirror today."

 

[Connel Vanagor]

I learned from my mother and father, but I am not them!​

Spoiler: PERSONAL EFFECTS

Jedi Defender Light Corvette
"Crotch Rocket" Speederbike
Headset Microphone Comm-link
Vambraces
Custom Robes/Armor
Long handle Lightsaber "Alpha"
Short saber "Omega"
Astromech Droid "D1-N3"

[Any text in brackets signifies comm-link usage and not face to face conversation]
SECTOR: Denon
MISSION: Grabbing some caf
TAGS: Elise Ahana-Gwyneira

WHAT THE?

Almost spitting out his muffin, Connell was clearly insulted by her laughter. He almost took care of the check and left right there when she apologized. It was half-hearted, but it was an apology. Then she kept talking… and kept talking… and didn’t make it any better. Vizsla clearly heard and believed the ridiculous stories about the Jedi, what, and who they are. It was frustrating to listen to, even with her asking him about putting himself in her position. He already was there, but he did not have these opinions like she did.

Do you have any idea that isn’t hearsay or hyperbole about what or who a Jedi is? Deciding to take care of the check after all, he stayed there, sipping on his caf. Yes, Jedi are peaceful by nature, but what about the shadows? What about Guardians like myself? There’s a joke about the three archetypes a Jedi can choose. How does a Jedi get through a door? A Consular will wait for someone to open it, a Sentinel will see if it is unlocked, a Guardian will just kick it down. Letting that sink in for a moment, he indeed thought about his parents, about what his father has done across the galaxy.

I mean, do you know what kept me from engaging you in a fight in that alley? You did. You apologizing backed me off. Not because I wasn’t ready to defend those individuals, but because you clearly were not there to fight. THAT is what we do. Call it “Jedi Weakness” call it “Unwilling to keep the peace” all you want, but we fight when we have to. Taking another sip, he shook his head, the thought of her comparing her family to his.

I gave you a break because I thought that you deserved it. You were doing the right thing, that is what I do. That is what my father Caltin Vanagor did. I’ll never live up to his accomplishments, but that is my issue to deal with, not mine to lay on others. I have to be enough without being compared to him or I will never be enough if it ever happens. You want to save people? Talk to the Council, petition for just a talk. If it’s so funny to you to join the Order, then don’t petition to but lamenting over inaction is whining.

Then the server walked up and asked if everyone was all set. Connell just looked at the girl and asked Are we?

 

[Elise Ahana-Gwyneira]

Elise had hardly meant to offend the Jedi. Unfortunately, he indeed seemed to take offense. Elise could understand it, in a way. The amount of times she had been misjudged as a Mandalorian were only increasing since the war started. And yet, she could not help but feel like he was reacting a bit too strongly about it. At the very least, it at least proved that Jedi still had emotions.

Connel made several points that still got through to her. Her being spared in the alley hit the hardest. Perhaps, the lack of speed in reaching for his lightsaber had truly saved her. She had completely expected to be arrested then, after all. And yet, here they were, sitting together over coffee.

He spoke of his father, and how he was expected to fill his heavy shoes. Connel would have noticed her face soften in genuine sympathy, as she could relate to an extent. Her mother had never expected her to be anything but herself, but Elise always could recall the air of legacy her grandfather carried. And what it meant to her.

Elise's turn to be offended came though, when he spoke of Elise as if she was some sort of inactive emo. A joke. She made a visibly annoyed expression at that, as she always had prided herself in her initiative throughout her life. She had drive, after all, even if it had slowed beneath the new weight on her shoulders.

She looked away, muttering in a noticeably annoyed tone, "Even if I wanted to join, I'm a Novanian Shaman, remember? I'm already dedicated to their own oaths and codes."

She then slowly exhaled, releasing her stress. It was never a good idea to speak hot headedly. Perhaps, coming in hot was a fault of her's. She loosened her tense shoulders, slumping a little as she tried her best to maintain a sense of clarity.

"I never meant to offend you. So I'm sorry if I did. The suggestion just kind of surprised me, and admittedly I could do a better job keeping my mouth shut. But I am sorry."

The Dreamseer blinked, looking away as she spoke, "I do appreciate the Jedi as protectors of justice and peace, I really do. I think I could even get along with them, even if I don't think I'd ever truly fit in with them. You wouldn't find any other organization or coven out there so truly dedicated to such a pure cause. Try comparing that to my own Mandalorian people, with so much selfishness and blood to their name. You can speak of your people and defend them with no shame."

She looked to Connel with an attempted smile, "I never heard of your father. My mother always taught me to be myself more than anything else, so I don't know what kind of pressure you feel, being compared to your parents. But I never knew your parents, so my opinion is unbiased involving them. Just knowing you from letting me free me in that alleyway, you're a kind and genuine soul. I hope that encourages you, wherever you need it."

When asked if everything was all set, Elise reached into her pocket and pulled out the needed credits. "I can pay. It's the least I can do."

Connel Vanagor

 

[Connel Vanagor]

I learned from my mother and father, but I am not them!​

Spoiler: PERSONAL EFFECTS

Jedi Defender Light Corvette
"Crotch Rocket" Speederbike
Headset Microphone Comm-link
Vambraces
Custom Robes/Armor
Long handle Lightsaber "Alpha"
Short saber "Omega"
Astromech Droid "D1-N3"

[Any text in brackets signifies comm-link usage and not face to face conversation]
SECTOR: Denon
MISSION: Grabbing some caf
TAGS: Elise Ahana-Gwyneira

The thing about a Vanagor is they are hotheads. Some out there ( Tegan Starfall ) might call them “meatheads”. They wear their heart on their sleeve, they do not hide their emotions and they can act impulsively. However, for every blow up, it’s over just as fast. This was no different, he said what he needed to say, and even waved off her apology in a manner that would explain that it was appreciated, but not necessary. She still wasn’t getting what he was saying though.

I heard you, I was saying that you could take other paths to reach your goals. If you want to, you could talk to the Council, it may take time but tell them about your motivations. Even if they say “No, you cannot go out on the streets and enforce the law”, you tried. Would the leaders of the Enclave accept an outsider who just walks up with a sidearm? Show them you mean what you say and they might surprise you. I’ll even help if I can. If you want the help.

Her offer to pay was waved off. I have it.

 

[Elise Ahana-Gwyneira]

Elise's eyes widened in understanding as Connel reworded what he meant. "Oh."

Well, that made a lot more sense to Elise. Elise nodded, looking down again as she sighed, "You think the whole Council of super important Jedi would take the time for me?"

As Connel took the tab, Elise lifted a hand and rested her chin in it, "I don't want to just protect people in the alleys though. I... really, truly hate fighting my own people. But I have to, if others are going to be safe from the Enclave. That was always my primary purpose here. I would not have a clean conscious if I simply walked away from it all. But how do I join that fight? The military? Would they possibly accept a Mandalorian within their ranks? And wouldn't I have to be a citizen of the Galactic Alliance? Now, I want to keep this place safe, but it's not like this is my home or anything. My home is at Archais..."

A wistfulness could be heard in her voice as she mentioned Archais, but she swiftly moved on from that. "I would gladly accept your help, either way. I don't think I have an easy path ahead of me, navigating this whole place."


Connel Vanagor

 

[Connel Vanagor]

I learned from my mother and father, but I am not them!​

Spoiler: PERSONAL EFFECTS

Jedi Defender Light Corvette
"Crotch Rocket" Speederbike
Headset Microphone Comm-link
Vambraces
Custom Robes/Armor
Long handle Lightsaber "Alpha"
Short saber "Omega"
Astromech Droid "D1-N3"

[Any text in brackets signifies comm-link usage and not face to face conversation]
SECTOR: Denon
MISSION: Grabbing some caf
TAGS: Elise Ahana-Gwyneira

Now I know why Father drilled the importance of “commitment” and “patience” into me.

She was bringing up a red flag or two, though Connel had his concern buried deep. She was wanting to “protect” but on her terms. He could understand that, but she needed to earn their trust first, she needed to earn hi trust first. It’s not that he was regretting offering to help Elise, but at this point, she needed to just try. Yes, yes, “Do… or do not…” but she was not even attempting. I can’t speak for the military, or the Alliance as a whole, just the Jedi. However, I think you would be seen as an asset, a benefit to the Alliance Military. Maybe Intelligence? Shaking his head in the manner of someone trying to stop rambling, he finished his caf and wiped his mouth with a napkin.My father always says “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” If you come up with a plan and fail, you can argue that if you come across someone in a setting like this again. He shrugged.