Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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 Gal'Zhoren Zealot Strike Team (FEEDBACK)

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

Intent: To create a suitable Zealot task force team that fits the Bryn'Adul aims and employ the use of PC Gal'Zhoren to fulfill the required 6 squad strong formation.

Image Credit: N/A
Permissions: N/A
Links:





STRIKE TEAM INFORMATION

Crew Name: Strike Team Onyx.
Crew Type: Bryn'Adul Zealot Strike Team.
Base of Operations: N/A The team go where they are needed but when not a war, remain on the Bryn'Adul homeworld of Draemidus Prime

Crew Size: 6
Loyalties: Bryn'Adul


Description: Zealot Strike Team consisting of both Aerevalin and Baedurin. They are led by Zealot Major Kru'kk. The team also includes Zealot Shadiw Xanlatt. The rest of the team, including PC, are Zealot Minors.

TEAM MEMBER 1
Name
: Kru'kk
Aliases: Major
Age: 7
Species: Draelvasier (Baedurin)
Role: Zealot Major. It is the responsibility of Kru'kk to ensure the wellbeing of his team and remain an effective leader to serve the Bryn'Adul.
Height: 3.2m
Weight: 843lbs
Sex: Male
Hair: N/A
Eyes: Black
Skin: Black
Force sensitive: No
Personality: Kru'kk is a patriot. He does not let trivial matters such as emotions stand in the way of his mission. He can be stand offish to Bryn outside of his team but would dare not speak out of place to his superiors.
Strengths:
Level headed in tense situations.
Immunity to heat.
Weaknesses:
Slower moving, Bulky target.
Suffers greater in cold temperatures.

Weapons:
Mid range and deadly Barad Disruptor Repeater.
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Disruptor Repeater' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-disruptor-repeater.122631/

Barad Glaive coated with lightsaber resistant oil.
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Glaive' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-glaive.130527/

Crimson Coloured Barad Special Operations Armour.
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Special Operations Armour' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-special-operations-armour.122668/

Barad Impact grenade for entrapment.
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Impact Grenade' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-impact-grenade.122634/

TEAM MEMBER 2
Name
: Xanlatt (Zonlat)
Age: 5
Species: Draelvasier (Aerevalin)
Role: Zealot Shadow. It is the responsibility of Xanlatt to serve as the team forward scout. He uses cloaking technology and his own abilities at stealth to achieve this goal.
Height: 2.7m
Weight: 700lbs
Sex: Male
Hair: N/A
Eyes: Red
Skin: White
Force sensitive: Yes
Personality: Xanlatt is a very reserved individual. When most of the team are off duty and engage in small talk, Xanlatt much prefers the quiet of his own company.

Strengths:
A keen marksman.
Xanlatt has a knack for stealth.Being able to move silently and slip by most enemies unnoticed due to his cloaking Device.
Xanlatt is heavilly gifted with the Force allowing him to use abilities his allies would find impossible.

Weaknesses:
Due to a genetic defect, xanlatt's Skin is slightly softer than normal. Because of this, he prefers fighting from a distance wherever possible.
As Aerevalin, Xanlatt us affected greater by cold conditions.
Like most Aerevalin, Xanlatt has great difficulty swimming.

Weapons:

Barad cloaking Device
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Cloaking Device' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-cloaking-device.122667/

Barad Impact Grenade designed for entrapment.
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Impact Grenade' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-impact-grenade.122634/

Ravager Marksmen Rifle https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/the-brynadûl-ravager-marksmen-rifle.152725/

Barad Kukri
Thread 'Bryn'adûl | Barad Kukri' https://www.starwarsrp.net/threads/brynadûl-barad-kukri.130561/

TEAM MEMBER 3
Name
: Valmerk
Aliases: Val
Age: 3
Species: Draelvasier (Baedurin)
Role: Zealot Minor. Valmerk serves as the infantry equivalent to the squad. He has no additional responsibilities other than ensuring the success of every mission.
Height: 2.8m
Weight: 900lbs
Sex: Male
Hair: N/A
Eyes: Pale White
Skin: Black
Force Sensitive: No
Personality: like all his squad brothers, Valmerk is firmly rooted to mission first, everything else second. In the heat of the moment, however, Valmerk will prioritise brute Force over tactics.

Strengths & Weaknesses:
Valmerk doesn't have any specific, discernable Strengths or Weaknesses aside from the Species specific aversion to cold.

Weapons:

Kasurigama
:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - Bryn'adûl | Shadow's Kasurigama

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: Create a weapon specific to Zealots. Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl | Zealots Model: N/A Modularity: N/A Production: Minor Material: Durasteel Blade...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

Barad Assault Carbine:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - The Bryn'adûl | Barad Assault Carbine

The Bryn'adûl | Barad Assault Carbine OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: To create a new type of automatic rifle for the Bryn'adûl Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Permissions: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl Model...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

Barad Impact Grenade:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - Bryn'adûl | Barad Impact Grenade

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: Mutli-purpose grenades, can create shields or capture enemies. Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl Model: N/A Modularity: N/A Production: Limited Material...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net


TEAM MEMBER 4

Name
: Ort'nem
Aliases: Nem
Age: 3
Species: Draelvasier Baedurin
Role: Zealot Minor. Ort'nem serves as the infantry equivalent to the squad. He has no additional responsibilities other than ensuring the success of every mission.
Height: 2.8m
Weight: 725lbs
Sex: Male
Hair: N/A
Eyes: Red
Skin: Grey
Force Sensitive: No
Personality: like all his squad brothers, Valmerk is firmly rooted to mission first, everything else second. However, outside of msissons, Ort'nem can be known to be the most positive member of the team, cracking dark jokes and ensuring morale is high.

Strengths & Weaknesses:
Ort'nem doesn't have any specific, discernable Strengths or Weaknesses aside from the Species specific aversion to cold.

Weapons:

Kasurigama
:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - Bryn'adûl | Shadow's Kasurigama

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: Create a weapon specific to Zealots. Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl | Zealots Model: N/A Modularity: N/A Production: Minor Material: Durasteel Blade...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

Barad Assault Carbine:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - The Bryn'adûl | Barad Assault Carbine

The Bryn'adûl | Barad Assault Carbine OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: To create a new type of automatic rifle for the Bryn'adûl Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Permissions: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl Model...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

Barad Impact Grenade:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - Bryn'adûl | Barad Impact Grenade

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: Mutli-purpose grenades, can create shields or capture enemies. Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl Model: N/A Modularity: N/A Production: Limited Material...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

TEAM MEMBER 5
Name
: Var'Schmark
Aliases: Var
Age: 3
Role: Zealot Minor. Var'Schmark serves as the infantry equivalent to the squad. He has no additional responsibilities other than ensuring the success of every mission though he does not view it that way.
Height:3.3m
Weight:920lbs
Sex: Male
Hair: N/A
Eyes: Black
Skin: Grey
Force Sensitive: No
Personality: like all his squad brothers, Valmerk is firmly rooted to mission first, everything else second. Var'Schmark believes his skills are better suited in a leadership role. He tries to assert his presence where the squad splits into smaller teams. He does not believe anyone aside from Krukk and himself are fit to lead.

Strengths & Weaknesses:
Var'Schmark doesn't have any specific, discernable Strengths or Weaknesses aside from the Species specific aversion to cold as well as an inflated ego.

Weapons:

Kasurigama
:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - Bryn'adûl | Shadow's Kasurigama

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: Create a weapon specific to Zealots. Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl | Zealots Model: N/A Modularity: N/A Production: Minor Material: Durasteel Blade...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

Barad Assault Carbine:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - The Bryn'adûl | Barad Assault Carbine

The Bryn'adûl | Barad Assault Carbine OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: To create a new type of automatic rifle for the Bryn'adûl Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Permissions: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl Model...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net

Barad Impact Grenade:
www.starwarsrp.net

Approved Tech - Bryn'adûl | Barad Impact Grenade

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION Intent: Mutli-purpose grenades, can create shields or capture enemies. Image Source: X Canon Link: N/A Primary Source: N/A PRODUCTION INFORMATION Manufacturer: The Bryn'adûl Affiliation: The Bryn'adûl Model: N/A Modularity: N/A Production: Limited Material...
www.starwarsrp.net
www.starwarsrp.net


HISTORICAL ONFORMATION

Kru'kk
has been a Zealot Major for a few years with a great measure of success in the name of galactic conquest. He was joined by Xanlatt after one of the previous Zealots was cut down by a long since exterminated foe.

Throughout this time, Xanlatt and Kru'kk shared the same sense of action. After many grim assignments, Kru'kk was set on a high end operation. Only Kru'kk and Xanlatt returned. To this day, both Zealots refuse to talk about what happened to the team only that it ended in a shameful defeat. Xanlatt was promoted to Shadow and the fallen were honoured as Drovagaerys.

It wasn't too long after that that both surviving Zealots were reassigned with a fresh squad of zealots: Ort'nem, Valmerk, Var'Schmark and Gal'Zhoren.

Together, they continue the fight against weakness in the name of the Bryn'Adul.
 
Last edited:
:: HERO of KORRIBAN ::
Moderator
Gal'Zhoren Gal'Zhoren

There is a lot going on here I cannot decipher, mainly this looks like many distinct submission in one. I can’t discern which template you’re using, and everyone of them is missing fields.

As per the codex submission guidelines you need to ensure you use the template entirely.

Here is the specific rule:

The entire template must be used in your submission. The template's base fields are not to be changed/removed/altered with the exception of a Force Nexus. If a Planet does not have one this can be removed. Otherwise, If the field does not apply simply state "N/A". Additional information and fields may be added if desired.

If you can confirm what you’re trying to do here I can help more. I’m inclined to send this back to pre-codex to sort this out, but i’ll leave that up to you. I am more than willing to help you sort this out here to.
 
Thank you for the advice, I did try to make several inculsions in one post as I wasn't certain if I should create them individually or not.

The goal was to create an NPC team to be with my PC character. The first two submissions were more in depth as I wanted them to feel more like their own, existing character.
The other three afterwards are more like base personel for an upcoming thread I'm part of. These other three NPC's aren't really as important so I didn't clarify them too much.

I can definitely go through to change parts to say N/A instead but would greatly appreciated the help with what else to change.

Edit:
I've went back over the post and tried to format it a bit better by making the sub headings more clear as well as shift some OOCI to better clarify my intentions for the post. Hopefully this helps a bit but please advise if further tweaks are required
 
Last edited:
Thank you for all the tips, I've used the template to update with the advice. I have missed out some links but will edit-attach them when I next get the chance.
 

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