For The Nights I Can Still Remember

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh let out a sigh in response. "I know. But I don't think he's old enough to really understand how to defend himself" He would clarify. "He's three. He's still learning how to do most things, and most importantly he's still just living his life. Just as I promised him" He spoke softly. "You think I want the life for him that I had to live? To spend his childhood living in a temple, training to one day serve for life? I'd rather he learn to fight when he's old enough to understand it properly... And then make the choice himself if he wishes it. The choice was made for me. But it shouldn't have to be that way for him."

He would pour himself another drink. "But I understand the need to teach him to defend himself. I just... Don't think it's time."

As for the topic of Shmi, he nodded his head slowly.

"Doesn't make it hurt any less that Jason deserves a mother who loves him" He spoke bitterly.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"Of course not!" Madalena said as she closed the distance between them, putting her hands on Josh's shoulders. She did not want Jason's life to be as Josh's had. Josh was the father, Jason was the son. That meant that Jason was supposed to get the better life. "He should not be serving any temple at any point before he's old enough to decide for himself that this is what he wants. But if someone decides to target him because his father is a Jedi who is with the silvers, that choice is not going to be Jason's to make. When that happens, and I say when and not if, he needs to know how to hold his own."

With a sigh, she released him, and moved to lean against the counter. She could understand where Josh was coming from. One of the reasons she was glad she didn't have kids yet was because the whole protecting them part was absolutely terrifying.

"I can schlepp an armor or something from the Knights Obsidian armory or something, something he can turn on with a button to buy him time until you get there," she offered.

And about Shmi… "He does," she nodded, "Jason deserves a mother, and a father, and friends, and the entire village. But Shmi wasn't a mother, she was a womb donor. We'll find someone better for both him and you. Someone who's worth it."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"He's still in the spitty noises and chasing birdies and throwing food stage. I don't know how long he's going to be able to keep armor on at his age" Josh would admit, but he didn't seem entirely against the idea either. "Either way, I don't think he's going to be able to learn to defend himself right now. His motor skills are still an in progress thing. And as he hasn't shown any talent in the Force right now... Well, he can't rely on that either. I understand the need to protect him, but I'm not sure if now is a good time" He would clarify.

He took a deep breath then, as they moved on.

"I know" He spoke softly. "Jyoti told me though, that Jason has the support of the Silvers, and that he'd forget his mother before too long. She told me to date for me, and for what will make me happy."

He flopped back on the couch then.

"But I don't think I know how to serve myself anymore. It's always been either the Order... Or Jason. Never what makes me happy. I just don't know how to anymore. Used to be that Shmi and Jason together with me at the homestead made me happy. Now... I don't know what will and I don't have any clue how to even focus anymore on what will. I just... Never had to."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Letting the matter of Jason go for the moment, Madalena joined Josh on the couch, resting her arm against the back of it. She listened quietly as Josh said that he didn't know how he made himself happy.

"You've worked hard your entire life to get to this point," she said with a gentle smile, "you're always there for your friends, and you put Jason ahead of you, as you should, and you've been serving the Jedi for a hot forever. But Jyoti's right; you need to do stuff for you, and figure out what makes you happy."

With a complete lack of ceremony, she took Josh's hand. "Gotta mke you happy," she grinned, and then used Josh's hand to make him slap himself, "and stop hitting yourself."


[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh rolled his eyes when Maddy would try and make him "hit himself" as she called it. Stopping her, he would wrap his arms around her waist, pulling her onto his lap as he would immediately trap her arms and begin to attack with a plethora of tickling to her sides. Refusing to let go for a good minute at least, he attacked her with increasing ferocity, refusing to release the hold as he attacked with the most vicious tickles that one could muster. The tickle monster was in full display, laughing all the while before he would eventually let her go.

"I feel like Jedi Master and father are all I really know how to be now" Josh would admit. "And before that I only knew how to do those, and how to be a husband... I haven't thought of how to be anything else, in a long time... If that makes sense."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"It does," Madalena answered out of breath. She had not expected the tickle monster. And it was one this to not expect it, but she'd been doing her utter best not to scream during it, since she didn't want Jason to wake up to her screams again. The last time had been traumatic enough. But she was most definitely going to get Josh for this later on.

"But it doesn't put you off the hook," she continued, "you need to figure these things out. What makes you happy? What is part of you that isn't Jedi Hoobah or Daddy? Because once you figure it out, you can be better at those two things as well. And you'll be an even more kickass role model for Jason."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh let out a sigh in response. "The thing that made me happy was getting up in the morning, with Shmi and Jason, making breakfast, and looking forward to spending the day with my family until the next time I was assigned to the Rest or a mission. What made me happy was looking forward to being with my family once the mission was over. Now I don't have that. I have Jason, who's my pride and joy and who makes me happy, and my work, which at least keeps me occupied and not thinking as much."

He shrugged. "I don't know what else makes me happy, and clearly the things I mentioned aren't enough."

The fact he didn't know now meant that he couldn't be the parent he wanted to be, according to Madalena, only made him even more sad. The fact was he just... Didn't know. He had it before, and now he didn't have it. He was at a dead end and didn't know how to break through it.

"Maybe I need to find other things I enjoy, I don't know."

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"You still have a family, Josh," Madalena said, closing the distance between them so she could hug her best friend, "Jason is your son. He'll always be your family. And we're as good as family too even if we're not blood related. I know it's not the same like having a full classic family unit of husband-wife-2.4 children, but don't forget that you do have a family, and you do have people that love you, and that you love back."

Breaking the hug, she gave him a soft smile. "And even if you did have the full classic family unit of husband-wife-2.4 children, you'd still have to develop hobbies beyond that. You're a full 3D person, Josh, not some silly little caricature in a random butt story."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

She was right. She was absolutely right. Even if he did have what he’d wanted he still needed to be his own person. Not just focused on his work or role. Being a good father was a good thing to be passionate about. But it shouldn’t be the only thing.

“Mmm” He responded with a nod of his head. “I understand. I’m sure there’s some things I’ve been doing that I like doing that I didn’t register as hobbies. I suppose I do like building droids... And going to the beach here and there” He mused aloud. “I’m sure there’s more to it though. Just need to figure it out.”

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"Josh DragonsFlame, Master of Paperwork, Builder of Droids," Madalena said, unable to keep her face serious for more than another second. Sure, droid building sounded awesome. So did beach visiting, if you were into that. But the beach thing was gonna be something she wouldn't be able to help with. She hated sand.

"You'll figure it out," she said with a reassuring smile, "and I'm here to help you with it, if you'd let me."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Please, Force, stop with the paperwork thing. If I have to hear about the damn paperwork again, I'm going to scream" He would groan in response. If he decided to go to the beach... Oh, she was coming along, like it or not. He didn't care if sand was coarse, and rough, and even if it gets everywhere... If he was going on a beach trip, he wanted Aunty Porgiana with them.

"Thank you" He spoke toward her reassurance. The yawn that bellowed in the other room indicated that Jason had awoken. Josh would stretch out then as he got up. "Why don't you go entertain him while I get the cake ready?"

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"If you scream you'll wake Jason up in in an unpleasant way," Madalena pointed out before bursting into a giggle, "Mr. Paperwork, Mr. Paperwork, Mr. Paperwork!"

She was being juvenilishly silly. She didn't care. While Madalena was comfortable around almost anyone, there was a certain freedom to just being even the sillier parts of herself with the people she trusted most, and her best friend Josh was most definitely on that list. So she was going to tease the crack out of him, and laugh while doing so, and maybe they'd end up sparring, but eventually he'd just drag her to Naboo to eat again and all will be normal. It was the good life.

But Jason had woken up on his own without Josh doing anything about it. The offer to go entertain him surprised Madsy, and she stared at Josh for a moment, wide-eyed. Quickly though, she regained herself, nodded, and darted off to where Jason was sleeping.

"Hey kiddo," she said softly with a smile as she entered the room, crouching down a knee so her height wouldn't be overly intimidating to the three year old, "had a nice nap?"

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Porgianna, Porgianna, Porgianna!" Josh responded back, with some silliness to his voice as he would remind her of her alter ego. "Reeee like your fellow Porg, Porgianna!" He teased with a laugh. He'd never let her live that one down if she was going to keep up the paperwork thing.

Either way, Jason was awake. Madalena would approach the freshly awake Jason, who would let out a yawn and look up at her with half-lidded, tired eyes. "Sleepy..." Jason would mumble as he still seemed to be half asleep.

"Hey Porgianna, I have it ready! Can you bring him in?" Josh would call out to Madalena. Jason would perk up when he called her Porgianna, and he stared up at her in turn.

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

"Damn right, I'm Porgianna," she stuck her tongue out.

Moments later, with Jason, Madalena's heart melted as he claimed he was sleepy. She crouched down by his bed, a hand coming up gently to pet his head. She was just about to say something, when Josh yelled her Porgianna name gain, the kid perking up and sending Madalena into a fit of giggles.

"Come on," she smiled as she picked him up from the bed, holding him almost as perfectly as a mother would, "we'll play with your Porg-lamp later. For now, your daddy has a surprise for you and your birthday!"

Stepping from the room, she quickly walked to where Josh had set the cake and Porg stuff up, and offered Jason to Josh. She was not going to insist on holding a child if his daddy wanted to hold him, nor would she scream Happy Birthday again before Josh had his turn.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh meanwhile had been busy lighting the three candles atop the cake. He’d also finished aligning the room with porg balloons and other decorations. He really did appreciate Maddy coming here for this though. Folks had been so busy, his only known family wouldn’t be here anytime soon if at all... And he knew Jason enjoyed her company as well.

As Madalena took Jason to the kitchen, Josh began to sing to signal that it was time.

“Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Jason!
Happy Birthday to you!”

Josh would take Jason and place him in front of the cake. “Blow out the candles, Jason!" Josh would chirp toward Jason as he would let him do so. Jason would take a deep breath before managing to blow out the three candles, to which Josh started clapping. A metallic clapping could be heard from the corner of the room, as Josh's HK droid made his presence known. Of course he'd be here, his primary mission was to keep tabs on Jason after all.

"Do you want any cake, Maddy?" Josh would inquire toward Madalena as he would reach for the knife.

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

The moment Josh broke into the happy birthday song, Madalena joined him, her voice melodical and excited. When Jason managed to blow the candles out all at once she jumped and clapped her hands, cheering him on.

When offered a piece of cake, she paused a moment… And then nodded. "I'd love some," she grinned wickedly from ear to ear.

However, when Josh gave it to her, instead of eating, she dipped her fingers into the whipped cream, and quickly touched Josh and Jason's noses, giving them whip-cream nose tips. She burst into laughter putting the plate down.

"Best. Birthday. Ever!"

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh smiled in turn and would begin to cut pieces of the cake. The first one obviously went to Jason, who was staring at it with big, wide eyes and a hopeful stare. As soon as Josh put the cake on a plate and placed it near him, the child began digging into it with his hands. Josh normally did try to encourage him to use a fork, but… Well, it was his birthday. He’d let it slide. And cake wasn’t the easiest thing to eat with a fork anyway, especially for a child his age.

With that, he would then cut a piece for Madalena and hand it to her. Of course soon after, she would give him and Jason whipped cream noses, getting a laugh from the both of them before Josh laughed even harder when Jason tried to lick the whipped cream off his nose as if he were an animal.

“I’m happy you came here to celebrate with us today” Josh spoke calmly toward her. “Thank you again.”

[member="Scherezade deWinter"]

 

[Scherezade deWinter]

Madalena burst into laughter as Jason tried to reach his own nose with his little three year old boy tongue. She grabbed her stomach, crouching over as the laughter took her over, and needed more than a moment or two to regain any sense of composure.

Her smile was big and genuine when Josh thanked her for coming to celebrate with them.

"Of course I came," she grinned, "I love you and Jason."

And with that she grabbed both of them and gave them a great big hug.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]