Hello!
I’ll be the judge helping you with this planet submission today.
Let me start by saying, this submission has some really cool and unique ideas and I enjoyed reviewing it. However, there are still some sections of your submissions that need some work before we can move on towards approval.
OOC Information:
You are missing the OOC Information Header, it might seem like a small thing but the codex rules specifically state the following:
The entire template must be used in your submission. The template's base fields are not to be changed/removed/altered with the exception of a Force Nexus. If a Planet does not have one this can be removed. Otherwise, If the field does not apply simply state "N/A". Additional information and fields may be added if desired.
Please add the Header line to the top of the image.
Image
An image of a planet is a great way to show what the planet looks like to you, however there are a few issues with the image that you have in this submission.
1) Currently the image is in the middle of the OOC Information Section, Please move it to the top of the page so it isn't hiding any part of the OOC Information Section.
2) The website you link to for your image credit isn't the best choice. Here is the help for
Image Credit Sourcing in the future but in the meantime
this link would be a better option.
General Information
Region
Setus Prime is not in the Unknown Regions as you can see in this
screencap, instead it appears to be in the Inner Rim. You’ll have to choose the correct Region while looking at our map or switch to a different area. Once you do you will also need to link the region, link provided
here, per the template.
The system name is "The Avornian Galaxy," but this is confusing or mislabeled. Codex does not allow extra-galactic or companion galaxy submissions, all systems must be within the primary galaxy of Star Wars. If this wasn't your intent, that's okay, it will work to simply change the name of "Galaxy" to "System" here, making this "The Avornian System."
System Features
I applaud you for expanding beyond a few celestial bodies, however, 30 is quite large. If you'd like the system to have 30 points of interest, that's perfectly fine, but some of them will have to be moons or astronomical objects and not planets. You can also give us some information on their orbits or rotational periods, too, if you like. There's also a
System template if you want to go more in detail on the system itself.
The template clearly states that a screenshot with a map marker is required, unless you say it is located within the Hex of another planet. We also require a brief description of where it is positioned. 10 Lightyears beyond Setus Prime is vague and doesn’t assist us in properly locating its position.
Imports
The wording "Weapons and Ships" is fine and dandy, however, I am gonna need to have you explain this a little more. What kinds of weapons? Small arms? Big Super powerful cannons? Same for ships. What sort of ships are you importing? Civilian? Military? If there are specific types of ships you should link it. Also, "And the Like" is an extremely vague term to use for the planet submission. It could allow for pretty much anything to be sent, when the sub needs to be more precise with what is being imported and exported.
Exports
Ancient Artifacts are a doozy. What culture are these artifacts from? Are they Chiss? Rakatan? The reason we ask is because there is
a list of banned items that cannot exist here. Any rare or uncommon artifacts should be linked if possible. Are there game-changing artifacts that are meant to be discovered, if so, this needs to be disclosed as well. Please add more detail so we know what may be exported. In addition, while "Rare Minerals" says enough, I will need specifics. Which rare minerals are you referring to? According to the template;
Common materials and ores should just be listed (Ex. Durasteel ore), while anything special or rare should be linked.
Since your submission specifically speaks of rare materials, you will need to specify which materials and link to them.
In a similar manner as the Anicient Artifacts above "Old technology" is very vague term. Which technology specifically? Ancient hyperdrive tech? Maybe the first hyperdrive ever? Remember though, as per the list linked above several technologies including Ratakan are banned and is not able to be replicated – should you wish to venture down this path.
Unexploited Resources
Unique Metals are exactly that – unique. I will need links included in the submission. Future submissions cannot be used for this submission, however, they can be added back in through modification of the submission later. We covered "Old technology" in the section above. I will need details and specifics. Any significant technology, unique or special items will require links.
You also mention "Relics of the past" and "Unaligned Sith and Jedi artifacts" these are some very vague terms that could mean anything and will require some fleshing out. Are there specific relics? Lightsabers? Holocrons? Force Imbued or Alchemized Artifacts? Please provide some more information in this section.
Geographic Information
Gravity
I noticed that Avornia is host to several immigrated species, such as Wookiees, Zeltrons and Humans. A gravity at twice standard and a type II atmosphere would negatively impact these species. If that's your intent, that's just fine, you should just know that the majority of galactic species will be at a moderate disadvantage on this planet.
Terrain
The image that's being used for the sub doesn't actually visually match up to the primary terrain that's listed for the planet. You have it as being a mountainous planet, yet the image gives the impression that Avornia would actually be an ecumenopolis, similar to Coruscant. Please could you clarify?
Atmosphere
A Type II atmosphere is one that is most similar to the volcanic world of Mustafar, one that strongly recommends wearing a breath mask. Wookiepedia states:
Type II atmospheres usually had appropriate levels of atmospheric oxygen and nitrogen. Due to lack of sufficient pressure or the presence of contaminants and/or of other trace gases, however, these atmospheres usually caused detrimental effects to Humans and most other species over a shorter period of time.
As you can see, much like the gravity field above, this would be extremely detrimental to the health of many of the species listed as living on the planet.
Location Information
Planetary features
There are a few issues with this field which I have detailed for you below.
1) The planet you describe is very different from the image provided. You state that Avornia is:
A mountainous planet, with valleys and clean air and water.
However, the picture provided is of a planet almost completely covered by metal, an ecumenopolis at best. Could you please explain this difference so that anyone coming to the planet knows what kind of terrain they're dealing with.
2) You mention radiation here as per the quote below.
This does have a mutagenic radiation on it that expands the lifespan of those who are exposed to it. It also heals the injuries they have.
You mention the mutagenic radiation again in the historical information, but nothing about where it's coming from or how it works. Where does this radiation come from? Is it the product of a force nexus? Just how capable is the healing? Is it able to regenerate limbs and cure diseases? I'll need you to expand on the radiation, providing more details for any roleplayers who visit the planet. It's difficult for them to properly take the radiation into account without more details on it.
Major Locations
This section requires a little tweaking so I'm going to run through each of the locations one by one so you can see what specifically needs to be clarified.
- Avornia Prime: Please move Avornia Prime down with the rest of the locations.
- The Crystal Forest: This seems like a really interesting location, but we just need a few more details on it. Is it similar to the Crystal forests on the world of Christophsis? Or is it different in its own way, such as a regular forest that's just densely populated with kyber crystals? How large is the forest? Does it take up a small section of the planet or cover the entire surface?
- The Ruins: This location needs to have a few details clarified. It is obviously forbidden but you state that "it may have old technology if someone is brave enough to visit" What kind of technology is present? Similarly to your exports, anything on the banned technologies list can't be included in a planet submission.
- The Old City: You mention an extinct species – would this be the same people who left the technology behind? If there is a Chaos Species sub, please link it. If in a Canon Species you should also link it, the list of extinct species can be found here. You mention secrets and valuable technology, please could you elaborate so that any writers who come to the planet will know exactly what they're dealing with and what they should include in their stories.
- Old Temples (Jedi and Sith): These two locations are much like the Old City above, you only mention that they are "full of treasures". What kind of treasures can be found here? Are there any defences that an intrepid explorer should take into account.
- The Vaults: While these are an interesting addition to the planet, you mention things that a random player might need to know. Specifically, the boobytraps. For the purposes of a submission, ‘may or may not’ has no place. Even if visiting characters would not know if the Vaults are trapped, whether or not they are needs to be clearly stated on the submission. Please link any existing canon or Chaos technology you wish to be considered as defensive measures or describe them it in enough detail to allow a writer to be able to include them in a thread. Please also list what sort of treasures can be found keeping in mind the banned technologies list linked previously.
- The Citadel: This is the location with the biggest issues. You mention that "someone with enough power and skill could control the weather of the planet". How? Is this achieved through the use of a Force Nexus? Just saying that it requires enough Force Power and skill is very vague. This needs to be clarified so that any writer coming to the location knows what they're dealing with and what should be included in their RP. We also need to have more detail added about the stone army that can be unleashed. Does the stone army have a Canon example or a Chaos Submission? How are they controlled and what are they capable of? What are you looking for here? You say the army can. "wreak havoc on the planet" which leads me to believe that they are a powerful force and as such we will need the details on the stone army to be expanded on.
- Abandoned Houses: What you can do is expand this into "Abandoned Locations and/or Settlements" instead, since houses by themselves are very small fish in the grand scale of major locations.
Force Nexus
Although you included this in the Major Locations section, I'm going to treat the force Nexus as it's own section since we have a few details to run through on it.
I also want to point out to you that the template is very specific on the requirements to include a force Nexus below.
Force Nexus (Optional): [ If you wish to add a Force nexus (light, neutral, or dark), you are required to justify it through your submission and history. ]
While you do provide details on the force nexus, it is not mentioned anywhere else in the submission which you will need to do. How did the Nexus come into being, was there a single event or did it develop over time. If you look at the wookie article on
Force Nexuses, it gives some idea of how a nexus can be formed which you can draw inspiration from. In order to include a force Nexus in a submission however, it does need to be woven into the rest of the submission, especially the history so its place in the planet and its history can be better understood by writers looking to write on the planet.
Size
The size field in the template is as follows:
Size: [
Small (A small location on a world much like a grove or oasis. Ex.
Dark Grove),
Medium (A moderately sized area, large compounds, lake, etc Ex.
Great Temple),
Large (A location that spans a large area, a valley, mountain ranges, etc. Ex.
Valley of the Jedi).
Planetary (Influences everything on the planet. Ex.
Byss). ]
While you have stated in your submission:
The entire template must be used in your submission. The template's base fields are not to be changed/removed/altered with the exception of a Force Nexus. If a Planet does not have one this can be removed. Otherwise, If the field does not apply simply state "N/A". Additional information and fields may be added if desired.
In this particular case, because the Nexus provides "an enhancement on the individual so long as they are on the planet, doubling the output of their Force Abilities, and the effectiveness of said abilities" it would appear that the Nexus has a planetary size.
Strength
In a similar manner to the size field, the strength field gives us certain set options to choose from, for ease of reference I will quote the template below.
Strength: [ How strong is the Nexus? How much influence does it exert on those near it? Weaker nexus are easier to overlook, while stronger ones are impossible to miss. Stronger Nexus will be more closely scrutinized for balance and fairness during judging. Choose one: Weak (A weak influence on the area and the people on it. A fragile nexus that can potentially be altered by people or events, i.e. a lightside nexus could be corrupted by atrocity or a dark side nexus cleansed by the actions of a mass of Jedi.), Moderate (A moderate influence on the area and the people on it. Could be altered with a great enough event.), Strong (A strong influence on the area and the people on it. Powerful enough to be renewed in the event of a great cataclysm, and unlikely to be altered.) ]
As above, please choose one of these options rather than adding your own, since you state the strength of the Nexus is "High" and it's ability to double a force users power on the planet I would suggest making it a strong nexus.
Accessibility
You state that the Nexus is Heavily Guarded and Hidden. What exactly does this mean? A nexus this powerful would be sensed by a force user who should be able to follow the force to find the location of the nexus. Is the Nexus able to hide from force users? If so how. Once someone has found it, how is it guarded? As it currently stands, while the force nexus is interesting, there isn't enough detail here for a writer to be able to incorporate it into their stories without more details on how they might find it, and what they'd have to deal with when they got there.
Effects
Effects: The Caverns are a sort of proving ground where the current ruler of the Avornians goes every 6 months. There, he must pass trials to renew his right to lead the Avornians, and continue down the path he has set out. Passing the trials here earns the right to ask one boon of the Emperor per time you pass the trials. This also provides an enhancement on the individual so long as they are on the planet, doubling the output of their Force Abilities, and the effectiveness of said abilities.
These are some really cool effects, but once again, I'll need you to expand on the details of the effects so that writers coming to the planet know what they're dealing with.
1) You state that the "Caverns are a sort of proving ground". What form did this take? Is it an obstacle course, or something more akin to the darkside cavern on Dagobah? What would someone coming to the Caverns face when they entered the trial?
2) What kind of boon can be asked of the Emperor? Are there limits to what one can ask? Or is this more of an anything within my power to grant kind of deal? If I have a character complete the trials what reward can I expect to receive?
3) The enhancement to the force abilities of a successful participant, while a cool effect, needs a few more details. How long does the buff last? Does it stack? If I complete the trials repeatedly will my powers increase exponentially?
Population
Native Species
At several times during the submission you mention ancient species and peoples but it’s never very clear who they are. Are they the native species? Or did they arrive on the planet from another location? If so, please link if it is uncommon, custom, or rare.
Immigrated Species
Please link the
Avornians and any other species that may be considered rare or uncommon. This should include the outside species you listed that were brought to the planet such as the Wookies, Zeltrons, Humans etc that you mention.
Population: [ Choose from: Uninhabited, Insignificant, Sparse, Moderate, Heavy, Crowded - Optional: include a population number. ]
I have quoted the Population field from the template above. Please choose from one of the options above, you can also include the population number, but the primary selection in the field should be one of the words above.
Primary Languages
Just a small issue here. You mention that it is the outdated Galactic Basic – Galactic Basic is and has been the same for a while, do you mean High Galactic? Or a language as such which is no longer spoken/recognized?
Culture
You state that "Day to day life involves the Wookies, Zeltrons, Humans and others being treated like slaves by the Avornians, and put to hard forced labor by them to punish them as they were all descendants of Imperials that at one time found the world first." However, later in the submission, you state that "Eventually Imperials came to the planet again with Wookie and Zeltron slaves." Do the Avornians not know that many of their slaves are not descendants of the Imperials? That many of them appear to have been slaves brought to the planet against their will?
You also mention that outsiders, who are generally looked upon with distrust, can earn the trust of the Emperor in order to trade. How can this be done? The Avornians appear to be a deeply xenophobic species, wouldn't this make it difficult if not well nigh impossible for a species to earn the trust of the emperor and the Avornians? Also, if the Avornians believe themselves to be superior to the other species in the galaxy, why do they want to trade with others for weapons and technology? Wouldn't their belief in their superiority also apply to their technology? If they're superior then surely no-one can have better technology than them, otherwise, they can't be superior in all ways?
You have detailed much of the situation of the lower "slave" classes, but we do need to know about the Avornian's too.
Government and Economy
Government
This field is not listed correctly. Instead of Empire, it should be listed as an Imperial government. Please fix this.
Wealth
Wealth: [ Poor, Low, Medium, High, Wealthy. Describe, briefly, why. ]
Although you have correctly listed the descriptor the template, which I have quoted above, does ask for a description of why you have chosen this. Please add a brief description of the reasoning behind your choice for the planet's wealth here.
Stability
Stability: [ Low, Medium, High. Are there major issues causing unrest? Is this a planet of chaos or one of peaceful law-abiding citizens? Is it dangerous for travellers to visit or are you safe as an outsider? Describe the general feel and theme of any overarching government or rulers/leaders in this city. ]
Fairly stable isn't an option on the template, please choose from one of the available options. I would suggest High might be a good match for fairly stable. Please elaborate on your reasoning for the specific level, to include unrest, turmoil or whatever you opt into using.
Freedom and Oppression
Although you touched on this in the culture field, can you elaborate further on this? This field is your chance to really get into the feel of the culture to provide writers coming to the planet with a feel for the social atmosphere on the planet.
Military and Technology
Military:
You state that they have technology in line with the Empire of old, which Empire? The Galactic Empire? The Ratakan Empire? Revan Empire? Please explain and expand on the like statement or remove it. Ambiguous statements can lead to inferring and we need to ensure we cover all our bases.
Technology
This section is a little confusing. In the previous section you state that
The Avornians possess technology on par with that of the Empire of old in terms of weapons, fighters, and the like for themselves. This includes Lightsaber Technology, as well as outdated blasters, and the like.
However, now you are stating that:
While the Avornians do possess highly advanced technology in most fields, they do not possess Holonet Technologies, nor do they know of it’s existence.
In the culture section, you state that:
Should one earn the trust of the Emperor, the Avornians would be willing to trade items from the ruins for modern technology, and weapons.
As you can understand, in one section you are saying they have outdated technology and are willing to trade for modern technologies, while then you turn around and say that the possess highly advanced technology. Which is it?
Also, the lack of holonet technology is very surprising. According to the wookiepedia the Holonet has been in existence since the days of the galactic republic, several thousand years Before the Battle of Yavin. The book, The Old Republic: Revan, establishes the holonet was operational by 3954 BBY. In the light of this, the Imperials at least who came to fight for the planet would have brought holonet technology with them. Given they are now slaves, their technology would have been captured, so what happened to their holonet technologies? Is this a fluke or did they do this on purpose in order to control the narrative on their planet?
Historical Information
Avornia in the ancient past was a planet warred over by Jedi and Sith because of what was rumored to be on the planet, a fountain that could heal disease. This was just rumor, however.
This is the first mention in the submission of this fountain, is this related to the radiation present on the planet? This would be an opportunity to expand on that since the lure that brought people to the planet in the first place seems to be very important, and could present a key story point to future writers.
Eventually Imperials came to the planet again with Wookie and Zeltron slaves.
Could you please clarify which Imperials you are referring to her? And when did they come? Since you mention the Gulag PLague later in the historical section it would appear that this occurred before the plague. However, there were several empires which this could refer to, the Sith Empires, Galactic Empire, the Fel Empire, Empire of the Hand, and so on. Please could you specify which one you are referring to here.
Around the time that the Gulag Plague hit, several hundred Narrikians managed to flee their homeworld in a ship that they had managed to get operational of the Empire.
Please link the
Narrikian sub here. Could you also explain what you mean by
"a ship they had managed to get operational of the Empire."
With the ship they chose a world that was isolated and well outside of where the Empire had deployed the Gulag Plague.
If you look at the
first timeline article which covers the Gulag Plague you'll see that there is no mention of the Empire being the ones who released the virus. While is it possible that the Narrikians who fled to Avornia were either mistaken here, or the recipients of propaganda, which caused them to blame the wrong villain. Whichever path you choose, you should make note of that. Otherwise, please bring this in line with our Chaos history. You could simply omit the Empire reference here, the Gulag Plague itself would be enough to make anyone flee, regardless of politics.
Little did they know the planet had a sort of mutagenic radiation on it that would change them over the centuries. Only now have the Avornians decided to become known to the Galactic Stage.
So did the Narrikians became the Avornians? Could you clarify that here? If so, how did the radiation change them? If not then please explain who the Avornians are.
As I mentioned previously when talking about the Force Nexus it needs to be elaborated on in the planet's history, but this is not just true of the Nexus. You have a lot of interesting locations on the planet, a lot of potential. The Historical Information is your chance to flesh them out and give them character, to make other writers really understand what you're trying to do with the planet and how you see it in your head. I would suggest that you expand on this section, talking about how the Nexus was formed. Discussing the wars and the effects they had on the planet, on how the Narrikian's took over the planet and established their culture and their empire.
So much has happened on this planet that you could craft a cool and interesting story here, really give the planet a character of ti's own that will inform all future roleplay that happens on it. Why are certain parts of the planet forbidden, have pirates or treasure hunters ever visited the planet and what happened to them. How did the culture evolve into what it is today? The historical information is where you touch on every other part of the submission, weaving it from facts and fields into a cohesive whole that tells a story about what the planet is. I'd suggest fleshing it out and adding some more detail here.
I know that this seems like a lot to go through, but every planet submission is treated as if the planet were to be added to the map, even if that is not your intent. As such we need to make sure that the planet is fleshed out and polished to the point that future writers will be able to read through the sub and understand what you intend and be able to draw the information they need to tell their stories on it.
Because of the size and nature of the notes on this submission I am going to move it back to the pre-codex so you can work on it at your own pace. Most of the notes just call for clarifications, or the adding of more detail to the submission. However, if you are unsure about anything or wish for any help then please feel free to tag me with a question and I will be happy to help clear things up and help.
