"I'm not who I was anymore.. I just.. I can't. Why can't we just be friends again? Eating pizza and talking about being Jedi. Figure out who we are again first and just.. Not rush into anything."
<
Because I need something good to come out of abandoning who I used to be.> He already knew that his desires were selfish, but she had asked him
why. She deserved an honest answer. <
Because so far, it doesn't feel all that different—in fact, it feels a lot worse.>
He suddenly covered his face with his hands, as if he couldn't bear to be seen. The humiliation he felt had much deeper roots—he was terrified, more than anything else, that he had made a huge mistake. That he never should've become human in the first place, that he should've just accepted what he had been made into and learned to live with it. He
had lived with it for years already, learning to adapt and overcome his failings. But only now did he realize how truly gifted he had been. To be human was to be less than what he had been in every way except one.
His capacity to love had grown astronomically. It was overwhelming. He felt like he was going to explode unless he found an outlet for it.
You can say I just need to wait and be patient all you want. People are going to die because I won't be strong or fast enough to save them anymore. But if I could just love you, Iris…
Kai wasn't stupid enough to admit out loud that he thought kissing Iris would make everything better. That loving her would be a fair trade. At least it would allow him to sleep at night.
Kai Bamarri
