(Sappy Talk Show Music Plays as Multiple Holonet Channels across the Sith Empire and Galactic Alliance Space is hacked)
Preppy Announcer Voice: Welcome folks, to The Possibly Nocturnal Program, with your host, Matriarch of House Io, and seven years in a row champion for title of Craziest Ad-Libber, The Parliament!
(Camera closes up on Laertia Io, AKA The Parliament, in an all white business suit, sitting behind a desk holding up a mug that has the face of Srina Talon on the surface
The Parliament: Howdy, Empy! As you can see, I've been making money off your wife's face without either of your permission! I sell them to whoever wants to take a shot at her.
(The Parliament spitefully smashes the mug to pieces on her desk)
The Parliament: Welcome! To another Episode of the Possibly Nocturnal Program! I'm your host, The Parliament, and we have such an absolutely eclectic line up of amazing guests tonight. First up, a Sith Assassin who attempted to carry out
Darth Empyrean
's kill order upon members of my House--
(Camera Pans over to a number of captured Sith Assassins dangling over a pit of purple Alchemized Beetles. Catchy music from a nearby band of Model 1 Nuetralizers in top hats plays)
The Parliament: Interesting side note, we've cursed their flesh so that their pain will be way, way worse than it would normally get from beetle infestation
(The Parliament walks up to one of the savagely tortured Sith)
The Parliament: Welcome to our show! Care to tell us your name for the audience and what you do?
Tortured Zabrak Sith: If you're going to kill me, get it over with. As long as I don't have to listen to your insane rambling!
The Parliament: Oh, you big silly! Don't you know by now that's just gonna make me ramble even harder?
Tortured Zabrak Sith: You were a fool to anger
Darth Empyrean
! Whether you slay me here or not, the power of the Empire--
(The Parliament makes loud, obnoxious yawning)
The Parliament: Boring! A broken record like every other simp for that Mummy! You get a dunk!
(The camera pans to his face as the tortured Sith screams as he is lowered into the beetles He doesn't stop screaming as he is raised, insides bulging from the beetles clearly underneath the skin)
The Parliament: While he thinks about his devotion to you, yes, Empyrean, I'm talking to you, let's cut to our live studio audience and get their take.
(Camera pans over to dozens of kidnapped citizens of Empyrean's empire, kidnapped off of Jutrand. They have been tied up with barbed wire and have severe burns from various irons used for branding cattle)
The Parliament (Cups hand to mouth in shocked gasp): Oh my! A captive audience!
(Laugh track plays as the camera lingers on each face, so Imperial Intelligence can confirm their identities as citizens.)
The Parliament: Yeah, these are some fine people who won our contest to appear on the show and didn't even know they were playing! Much like how, oh, I dunno, your filthy mummy ass made sure thousands of fine, independent Sith won your own contest. What's the prize? The same prize those other Sith won when they wouldn't bow to you or your little snowflake."
(Massive amounts of screaming starts as the audience forcibly have their souls removed into a crystal in the back. The Camera pans over to watch their bodies turn to dust)
The Parliament (Voice Over): And now, for any Sith out there who aren't a part of Empy's little Imperial Chitshow, I got a question I'd like to ask: Is this really what you want? Having to be forced to work for a guy one step away from being dust himself like these bastards? How many Empires have you all suffered through just this decade alone? That's all people like Empy are good for. Another empire, with the same gaggle of twits at the helm that sank the last one. Frankly, my fellow independents, I feel you could do much better. Don't fall in line like a bunch of sheep! Talk to me. Because I can guarantee you I care more about The Dark Side and it's ultimate ascension as the way of Society than he does! Y'know what he's after? Becoming a God. That's it. That's all. Even at the expense of the Dark Side. Even at the expense of his empire's health. He'll flush it all down the toilet the way Solipsis did.
(Camera pans back to The Parliament, still next to the screaming Zabrak, thrashing as he burns in his restraints)
Ths Parliament: Now for our next guest. This Sith survived an Assassin sent by Empyrean. Give it up for Moura Doresh!
(Camera pans over to a Massassi Sith Warrior in a tux and bowtie walking onto the stage with a drink in hand and a lit cigar in the other, wearing sunglasses. He sits down on the couch next to The Parliament. The screams of the Sith in acid are edited out.)
The Parliament: Mister Doresh, glad to have you on the show!
Doresh (Sips Drink): Wow lady, when they said you were crazy, they weren't lying. Glad to be here. (Takes sip, puffs cigar)
The Parliament: Tell us what you do!
Doresh: I'm just a simple, workin' class Sith Marauder plyin' my trade across the Galaxy! I didn't need no mummy or his stinkin' empire tellin' me how to do business! (Takes sip) And while we're on the subject of that fethin' mummy, you ever wonder what his old lady sees in him? I mean, she ain't exactly a prize herself no more--lookin' like she hit the wall if you catch my drift--and smacked every fethin' brick on impact --
(A message in red titled MASTER LEVEL BURN appears and there is a large number of bell chimes)
Doresh (looks around in confusion): What, what the hell did I do? (Puffs cigar)
The Parliament: You got the Master Level Burn!
Doresh: The hell's that?
The Parliament: It means you get to kill someone with a flame thrower!
Doresh: Aw, neat! Gimme! (Takes cigar puff)
(The Parliament hands the Sith a Flamethrower)
The Parliament: Follow Me!
(The Parliament leads Doresh to a pit full of captured Sith soaked in Alchemized Potions)
The Parliament: Thirty seconds, Doresh! How many burns can you get in while literally burning people?!
Doresh: Give me ten seconds, and I'm Aurodium. Give me Twenty and I'm Corusca Gems. Gimme thirty and I'm Sorcery. Let's do this. (Downs whole drink)
The Parliament: The unfortunates here were all guilty of killing members of my Cult.
(Doresh Proceeds to burn captured Sith)
Doresh: Hey Empyrean, you motherless hutt-vomit, you reject from a slasher film! My ma-ma's Corellian Blood Noodles was scarier! (Takes sip) You call yourself a Dark Lord of the Sith? More like Dark Lord of the Simp! Messing around with the Trade League like a chump instead of going after that big boy alliance! Solipsis managed an attack on Coruscant! You got your fleet's ass kicked by merchants!
(Sith scream as they are covered in flames)
Doresh: And what about your ol' lady, eh? Every time I see her, I think about bells. I wanna ride me a freakin' Dragon! What she get outta bein' married to you, huh? Front row seats at your wake, yuh piece of beef jerky? I own a mynock that's prettier 'n' your girl. You two look like you got together over a dating app, except you both lied on your profile and now yer' too embarrassed to break up. Your ass lied about you being a granite slug, and her ass lied about her being a sarlacc. You both woulda been miserable even if you'd told the truth, but the lie makes it sting that much harder for you both! I've met rabid squirrels and burning tires who woulda made a cuter couple! Your honeymoon probably counted as a freakin' war crime! It made muh ma-ma's ghost weep! And I ate my ma-ma's ghost!
(Sith continue to violently burn from the flame thrower)
Doresh: So you make you a rinky dink Sith Order and suddenly you're hot property, is that it? News flash, you're just Carnifex Part 2. Except you're the lame B-List replacement they got after they wouldn't up the original actor's contract. And your sequel has already gone straight to holodisk.
The Parliament (hits stop watch): Annnnd time! Amazing work.
(Camera pans to a burn victim trying to climb out of the pit. The Parliament executes him with Force Drain)
The Parliament (Turns to Camera): Now, Empy, I know you're a stodgy, old fashioned type, so I know you're waiting to get to the point so here it is: Every time you dare to send someone after my House, I ain't just gonna hit the the ones who try it. I'll kill their families. I'll kill their friends. I'll kill their friends friends, and their enemies enemies--
(Camera pans away to multiple dark portals opening up on the world of Jutrand, out of which pour naked, emaciated faceless women demons that look like Togrutan, quickly slaughtering whoever they can get their hands on as Sith Soldiers desperately pour fire on them before the camera cuts.)
The Parliament (Glares): And I'll hit your territory every time an attempt is made. You pull a knife, I pull a blaster. You pull a blaster, I pull a Disruptor. You send one of mine to the morgue, I send a hundred of yours to the Netherrealm.
(The Parliament smiles wickedly)
The Parliament: And just in case you thought I forgot about the Jedi...
(Camera Switches to Korriban, showing dozens of heavily drugged Jedi loaded onto catapults overlooking a ravine. A massive line of Model 1 units armed with shotguns waits close by, already aiming.)
The Parliament (Voiceover): Straight from House Io's reconsecration of Korriban, I give you...Sith Skeet Shooting!
(The Catapults launch screaming Jedi into the air, some traveling fast and hitting the canyon wall and panning to the Model 1's as they open fire)
The Parliament: My spurs go jingle jangle too, Empy. You remember that about me.
(Transmission Cuts)
Preppy Announcer Voice: Welcome folks, to The Possibly Nocturnal Program, with your host, Matriarch of House Io, and seven years in a row champion for title of Craziest Ad-Libber, The Parliament!
(Camera closes up on Laertia Io, AKA The Parliament, in an all white business suit, sitting behind a desk holding up a mug that has the face of Srina Talon on the surface
The Parliament: Howdy, Empy! As you can see, I've been making money off your wife's face without either of your permission! I sell them to whoever wants to take a shot at her.
(The Parliament spitefully smashes the mug to pieces on her desk)
The Parliament: Welcome! To another Episode of the Possibly Nocturnal Program! I'm your host, The Parliament, and we have such an absolutely eclectic line up of amazing guests tonight. First up, a Sith Assassin who attempted to carry out
Darth Empyrean
's kill order upon members of my House--(Camera Pans over to a number of captured Sith Assassins dangling over a pit of purple Alchemized Beetles. Catchy music from a nearby band of Model 1 Nuetralizers in top hats plays)
The Parliament: Interesting side note, we've cursed their flesh so that their pain will be way, way worse than it would normally get from beetle infestation
(The Parliament walks up to one of the savagely tortured Sith)
The Parliament: Welcome to our show! Care to tell us your name for the audience and what you do?
Tortured Zabrak Sith: If you're going to kill me, get it over with. As long as I don't have to listen to your insane rambling!
The Parliament: Oh, you big silly! Don't you know by now that's just gonna make me ramble even harder?
Tortured Zabrak Sith: You were a fool to anger
Darth Empyrean
! Whether you slay me here or not, the power of the Empire--(The Parliament makes loud, obnoxious yawning)
The Parliament: Boring! A broken record like every other simp for that Mummy! You get a dunk!
(The camera pans to his face as the tortured Sith screams as he is lowered into the beetles He doesn't stop screaming as he is raised, insides bulging from the beetles clearly underneath the skin)
The Parliament: While he thinks about his devotion to you, yes, Empyrean, I'm talking to you, let's cut to our live studio audience and get their take.
(Camera pans over to dozens of kidnapped citizens of Empyrean's empire, kidnapped off of Jutrand. They have been tied up with barbed wire and have severe burns from various irons used for branding cattle)
The Parliament (Cups hand to mouth in shocked gasp): Oh my! A captive audience!
(Laugh track plays as the camera lingers on each face, so Imperial Intelligence can confirm their identities as citizens.)
The Parliament: Yeah, these are some fine people who won our contest to appear on the show and didn't even know they were playing! Much like how, oh, I dunno, your filthy mummy ass made sure thousands of fine, independent Sith won your own contest. What's the prize? The same prize those other Sith won when they wouldn't bow to you or your little snowflake."
(Massive amounts of screaming starts as the audience forcibly have their souls removed into a crystal in the back. The Camera pans over to watch their bodies turn to dust)
The Parliament (Voice Over): And now, for any Sith out there who aren't a part of Empy's little Imperial Chitshow, I got a question I'd like to ask: Is this really what you want? Having to be forced to work for a guy one step away from being dust himself like these bastards? How many Empires have you all suffered through just this decade alone? That's all people like Empy are good for. Another empire, with the same gaggle of twits at the helm that sank the last one. Frankly, my fellow independents, I feel you could do much better. Don't fall in line like a bunch of sheep! Talk to me. Because I can guarantee you I care more about The Dark Side and it's ultimate ascension as the way of Society than he does! Y'know what he's after? Becoming a God. That's it. That's all. Even at the expense of the Dark Side. Even at the expense of his empire's health. He'll flush it all down the toilet the way Solipsis did.
(Camera pans back to The Parliament, still next to the screaming Zabrak, thrashing as he burns in his restraints)
Ths Parliament: Now for our next guest. This Sith survived an Assassin sent by Empyrean. Give it up for Moura Doresh!
(Camera pans over to a Massassi Sith Warrior in a tux and bowtie walking onto the stage with a drink in hand and a lit cigar in the other, wearing sunglasses. He sits down on the couch next to The Parliament. The screams of the Sith in acid are edited out.)
The Parliament: Mister Doresh, glad to have you on the show!
Doresh (Sips Drink): Wow lady, when they said you were crazy, they weren't lying. Glad to be here. (Takes sip, puffs cigar)
The Parliament: Tell us what you do!
Doresh: I'm just a simple, workin' class Sith Marauder plyin' my trade across the Galaxy! I didn't need no mummy or his stinkin' empire tellin' me how to do business! (Takes sip) And while we're on the subject of that fethin' mummy, you ever wonder what his old lady sees in him? I mean, she ain't exactly a prize herself no more--lookin' like she hit the wall if you catch my drift--and smacked every fethin' brick on impact --
(A message in red titled MASTER LEVEL BURN appears and there is a large number of bell chimes)
Doresh (looks around in confusion): What, what the hell did I do? (Puffs cigar)
The Parliament: You got the Master Level Burn!
Doresh: The hell's that?
The Parliament: It means you get to kill someone with a flame thrower!
Doresh: Aw, neat! Gimme! (Takes cigar puff)
(The Parliament hands the Sith a Flamethrower)
The Parliament: Follow Me!
(The Parliament leads Doresh to a pit full of captured Sith soaked in Alchemized Potions)
The Parliament: Thirty seconds, Doresh! How many burns can you get in while literally burning people?!
Doresh: Give me ten seconds, and I'm Aurodium. Give me Twenty and I'm Corusca Gems. Gimme thirty and I'm Sorcery. Let's do this. (Downs whole drink)
The Parliament: The unfortunates here were all guilty of killing members of my Cult.
(Doresh Proceeds to burn captured Sith)
Doresh: Hey Empyrean, you motherless hutt-vomit, you reject from a slasher film! My ma-ma's Corellian Blood Noodles was scarier! (Takes sip) You call yourself a Dark Lord of the Sith? More like Dark Lord of the Simp! Messing around with the Trade League like a chump instead of going after that big boy alliance! Solipsis managed an attack on Coruscant! You got your fleet's ass kicked by merchants!
(Sith scream as they are covered in flames)
Doresh: And what about your ol' lady, eh? Every time I see her, I think about bells. I wanna ride me a freakin' Dragon! What she get outta bein' married to you, huh? Front row seats at your wake, yuh piece of beef jerky? I own a mynock that's prettier 'n' your girl. You two look like you got together over a dating app, except you both lied on your profile and now yer' too embarrassed to break up. Your ass lied about you being a granite slug, and her ass lied about her being a sarlacc. You both woulda been miserable even if you'd told the truth, but the lie makes it sting that much harder for you both! I've met rabid squirrels and burning tires who woulda made a cuter couple! Your honeymoon probably counted as a freakin' war crime! It made muh ma-ma's ghost weep! And I ate my ma-ma's ghost!
(Sith continue to violently burn from the flame thrower)
Doresh: So you make you a rinky dink Sith Order and suddenly you're hot property, is that it? News flash, you're just Carnifex Part 2. Except you're the lame B-List replacement they got after they wouldn't up the original actor's contract. And your sequel has already gone straight to holodisk.
The Parliament (hits stop watch): Annnnd time! Amazing work.
(Camera pans to a burn victim trying to climb out of the pit. The Parliament executes him with Force Drain)
The Parliament (Turns to Camera): Now, Empy, I know you're a stodgy, old fashioned type, so I know you're waiting to get to the point so here it is: Every time you dare to send someone after my House, I ain't just gonna hit the the ones who try it. I'll kill their families. I'll kill their friends. I'll kill their friends friends, and their enemies enemies--
(Camera pans away to multiple dark portals opening up on the world of Jutrand, out of which pour naked, emaciated faceless women demons that look like Togrutan, quickly slaughtering whoever they can get their hands on as Sith Soldiers desperately pour fire on them before the camera cuts.)
The Parliament (Glares): And I'll hit your territory every time an attempt is made. You pull a knife, I pull a blaster. You pull a blaster, I pull a Disruptor. You send one of mine to the morgue, I send a hundred of yours to the Netherrealm.
(The Parliament smiles wickedly)
The Parliament: And just in case you thought I forgot about the Jedi...
(Camera Switches to Korriban, showing dozens of heavily drugged Jedi loaded onto catapults overlooking a ravine. A massive line of Model 1 units armed with shotguns waits close by, already aiming.)
The Parliament (Voiceover): Straight from House Io's reconsecration of Korriban, I give you...Sith Skeet Shooting!
(The Catapults launch screaming Jedi into the air, some traveling fast and hitting the canyon wall and panning to the Model 1's as they open fire)
The Parliament: My spurs go jingle jangle too, Empy. You remember that about me.
(Transmission Cuts)
