I originally wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago. At least in my head. It was following a conversation on Skype with someone I trust. I mention that because they felt safe enough to share with me some advice that I didnâ€™t necessarily like or want to hear.
But I trust them, so I listened.
And I did the usual stuff. I blamed the other side. I even did a bit of the standard denial routine. But if I have one redeeming quality, it is that I am objective (objectionable too, but thatâ€™s another matter). So I mused and digested and wrote this â€“ as I say in my head.
I shared some of it with another writer. Because I needed to, it was the prompt for the conversation after all. Perhaps thatâ€™s why I delayed posting? Who knows?
Soâ€¦what am I babbling about?
I donâ€™t hate anyone on CHAOS!
I donâ€™t hate anyone in real-life. I shout at my mother every time we meet, but I still love her. And no, Iâ€™m not saying I love every writer on CHAOS, but I certainly donâ€™t hate any.
So my reaction when I was told that others think I might hate them? Yes, youâ€™ve guessed it. I blamed them for misreading me. Clearly they donâ€™t understand me, I thought (and Skyped). Clearly they are misguided.
Iâ€™m the first person to talk about perception. And how it canâ€™t be wrong. Because of what it is. If others think I act in a certain way, well they canâ€™t be wrong. They may not understand what I am thinking or feeling, but thatâ€™s for me to resolve for them â€“ not the other way around.
And I even did the denial, that people might think Iâ€™m cross with them, but to suggest I hate them? Theyâ€™ve overreacted.
Again, thatâ€™s my issue to sort out, not theirs.
So I sent a PM to a writer and opened the dialogue with a simple word.
I even wrote that the two syllables hardly did justice to what I was thinking. But it was precisely what I wanted to convey.
This takes me in a few directions. Firstly is an understanding of me. Not a reason for people to forgive me, or feel sorry for me, or even to make allowances. I am a drama queen. If someone upsets me? I lash out. Am I proud? No. But Iâ€™m human and Iâ€™m honest enough to admit it.
I lashed out last week too. Despite the blog in my head. I could have waited and chatted â€“ and no doubt resolved the issue. But I chose to act emotionally.
Thereâ€™s a lesson there for all of us â€“ but above all for me. If I want to continue to be accepted by the community we operate in, I need to deal with that aspect of me. Lashing out is neither cool nor clever.
So Iâ€™ll apologise now to everyone Iâ€™ve lashed out at. The chances are that includes people I didnâ€™t even know Iâ€™d upset. Sometimes being â€˜popularâ€™ makes you immune to people telling you like it is. And if anyone felt uncomfortable or even unable to tell me they had been upset by me, well that sorry isnâ€™t enough â€“ but itâ€™s all I have right now.
Iâ€™m someone that is frustrated by the limitations of the written word. We read intent into words where there probably was none. We create a voice for people in our head and if that voice is aggressive or sarcastic, that's the way we read a person's post.
Which is why I got cross the other day â€“ but in a controlled way. All this poodoo over the Invasions made me upset. We (and I mean we, not you) tend to assume the worst too often and criticise without due cause. Talk of cheating and such like the other day made me sad to be associated with the vitriol.
And yes, there is a point to this. I reflected and imagined I have been like that in the past. The very recent past I suspect. And I may do it again, despite my best efforts. But I donâ€™t plan to.
I keep talking about me growing-up with regards this site and recent actions from me have been adolescent at best. Being sarcastic or passive-aggressive. Deleting messages. Blocking people on Skype.
I'm not proud of what Iâ€™ve done, believe me.
Soâ€¦what can I do?
Iâ€™ll start by accepting responsibility for my actions. But Iâ€™m not asking for forgiveness. Or even responses. I'm just hopeful that some people that I wish read this, will get this far and will understand that what I have said, I mean.
I get upset. That will never stop. Sometimes Iâ€™m in the right, so will fight my corner. That wonâ€™t stop. Other times Iâ€™ll believe Iâ€™m in the right and stand my ground. In each of those cases, how I behave is more important than if Iâ€™m right or Iâ€™m wrong.
I donâ€™t hate anyone. Yes, from time to time people upset me. Disappoint me even. But weâ€™re real-life people, not the characters we portray. I, for one, need to remember that.
â€˜Cause each time I feel it slipping away, just makes me wanna cry,
Whatâ€™s so funny â€˜bout peace, love and understanding?