OOC: This is the personal journal of Laertia and it should not be construed that she is displaying this entry publicly anywhere IC.

On Kar Shian, My Heart broke when I learned the truth.

Now there is a hole in my mind where my Master Ursula used to be.

In retrospect I should have seen it. The fighting patterns. The familiarity of her movements. That thermite tactic she used back after we really started fighting was one she taught me when I was just starting out as her apprentice...it should have been a dead giveaway.

I think of all the times I thought of her as my mother, how often as a teenager my greatest wish was to have her comb my hair, just once. And when I think of those times, now they are poison and I want to vomit.

How did I miss it? Was she that good at infiltration? Was I that blind? Was it both?

Maybe it WAS both.

I haven't even considered trying to redeem that thing. There's nothing to save. Absolutely nothing in The Amalgam that's worth saving. What I loved was a lie, and a cruel one.

I spent years killing for it. Years I will never get back. All that blood, covering my hands. My whole body is awash in red in some of my dreams. How many lost their lives to me, so far.

I hate being alive because of what she taught me. She knows I hate it, too.

Moya suggested I start writing down my thoughts. The horrible thing is, if it wasn't for the Bryn'adul, I'd have nearly all my thoughts on that monstrosity.

I feel dirty, and no matter how many times I shower I don't feel clean. She's in my head, whispering mockeries as I sleep. I'm not sure if its actually her trying to talk to me through telepathy...or if its just me conjuring her to say what I can't bring myself to say in the open.

I was barely keeping it together before the Bryn'adul became a factor in my life. I had my family. My mother. My sisters. It is them I love. It is them that makes me wage war on the Bryn'adul, and anyone who stands in the way of their defeat.

Its Syd who gives me the strength to keep fighting...

How odd is it then, that in my quest to defeat the Bryn'adul, I end up teaming up with that disgusting beast?

I have never ceased wanting her dead since first learning of her from Uri. My desire to see her dead has tripled after knowing the truth. She was just a headache before Kar Shian. An unsettling one, but still just a headache.

Then she upped her game at Castagne and killed a ton of people with Zombies. The fething psycho sacked the capital with undead warriors. Why she did it is the real mystery. She's working toward something. Something terrible. Melida was the first sign, Castagne the next. She hasn't stopped with her plans just because of the Bryn'adul. She's capitalizing on all this somehow but the damn Bryn'adul are such a threat I can't really afford to go after her for it, and she knows that.

Talking to her hurts. Interacting with her causes knife like pain in my soul. I wish I didn't know the truth. It would make killing her easier. Guilt free.

Maybe that's the Jedi's real problem. They don't have to think about killing Sith. There's no guilt to it. I've certainly never experienced any. Put 'em up against any other enemy, though, even Mandalorians, and they're damn near useless because everyone else is a person to them that simply needs to be reasoned with or disabled.

There's nothing wrong with valuing all life. But promoting successful life, healthy life means destroying harmful organisms that threaten the crop. Weeds need plucking. Insects need pesticides. And Bryn'adul need my fist going through their entire skull and destroying their brain so they don't burn another society from existence.

Do I want to kill them? Yes. And I will kill them all if given the chance. I'll send them and their children screaming into the black. They can contemplate their wickedness and arrogance in Hell.

The same way I'll have to when 'I' go there.

I wonder...will the Amalgam end up in the same circle of Hell I will?

Maybe I'll find the one at the source of the Amalgam and all her evil minds. The one who talks to me the most. Maybe after enough of an eternity of burning I'll find the courage to ask if there was ever anything of her that genuinely loved me.

I don't know how that monster would answer. I'm not sure which would scare me more as an answer: Yes or No.

If its a No...then I can burn with closure, knowing she burns as well.

If its a Yes...then at least we will burn together. Inseparable. Irreparable. Eternal.

I don't know why I am comfortable with that thought. Maybe I shouldn't be. But I know now I'm so good at killing the enemy because on some level, I identify with them. I 'get' them. 'Ursula' always taught me the best killers are the ones who understand their enemy like they understand themselves.

The Question remains, then: How much do I really need to understand about The Amalgam to finally kill her? And does she already understand enough about me to kill me.

I suppose we'll only know when there is no Bryn'adul left to fight, and we finally have time to go to Hell without distractions.