Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Letters to the past. (#5)

Hello Master,

There are things I wanted to get off of my chest for a long time. It is odd, I will admit, that I am doing this now but it is what it is. I remember the first conversation that we ever had, you promised a broken psychologically wrecked kid that he wasn’t alone anymore. How many times did we meet again after that? Three? I did not see you again until I was Knighted. Master, I had to learn everything, everything on my own, from holocrons, from holovids, from other mentors and Masters. Is that fair? No, I needed my Master to teach me, to show me and make me connect to the Force my way, not a blanket “one size fits all” manner. Did I benefit from this? Yes.

Master, you may not have intentionally abandoned me, but you did, you made me feel alone, more alone than before I was accepted into the Order. I do not hate you, I am not even angry at, or resentful towards you. In your absence, you taught me more than you could have if we had spent twenty-four hours a day together. You did not teach me self-reliance, I would have learned that regardless, you did not teach me independence, that cannot be taught. You taught me how to be better to my own Padawans, to make sure that they had the attention that they needed and the education in the Force and the ways of the Jedi as a whole in ways you could not. I learned how to teach them my own way, I learned to give them my perspective and let them use that as a guide to creating their own. I taught them the self-reliance that I had to learn by myself.

I was unable to learn how to act around my Padawans, how to treat them as individuals and not simply Padawans. I was working on that well up to the time we had seen each other again. Did you know that I began my Master’s Trials the next day? You probably did, and probably took credit for that too, just as you did with the younglings I was teaching history to. That is your path to travel and your burden to bear. Not all, but many of my Padawans had a problem with making connections to other Jedi because I was unable to make a connection with them, not all of them, but many of them. I own this, and I make no excuses, but while it is a learned behavior, I was never able to learn it.

I assure you that I harbor no ill will towards you, I know that you had a difficult period in your life, I was trying to heal. I want you to know that I was able to, I was able to be the Jedi you once told me that I was meant to be. I am strong, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am still changing now, eight hundred fifty years later. When you met me, I was a broken kid, when we saw each other again, I did not admit it then, but I was an angry and aggressive Jedi Knight. When I was granted the level of Master, I changed, I realized how hard it is to inspire and teach the truth, not just remind of my opinion. I tempered myself and changed from inside out, sure, I was and am still the big guy you knew, bigger now, but I became more than a blunt instrument. I may still be a “sword” for the Jedi, but not one that swings wildly.

Yes, you read correctly, I have been around for a while. Well, not really, but I will not get into that detail. I’m writing to you because I see a lot of things today that you might have when you were in my place. The word “Jedi” has less meaning now than it did, and while there were, are, and will always be many Temples and Enclaves across the galaxy, there is not one Jedi Order, there are many factions.

I am still wrapping my head around that.

It is not so bad, I am sure many of them or nice sentients, and truly want what is best for the galaxy. I just do not see the point of segregation. That is not an issue, just an opinion. I want to thank you for being in my life. Certainly, it was limited, certainly, there are issues that we never fully were able to work out, but I did learn from you and it made me a better Jedi. Hopefully, I will have had that effect on my Padawans, past or present.

May the Force be with you,
Master Caltin Vanagor
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Caltin Vanagor
I write for me. If you like what I do? GREAT!

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