Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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Letters to the past. (#2)

Hey Babe,

So, I’m sitting here in front of this computer console. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that so many people I knew and care about are gone. I wrote a letter to Aly, someone told me I should do that, and thought it would do little more than make me out to be a weepy wuss, but it helped. It helped me a lot. The thing is, I want to do it again. I have more to say to her, but I have things to say to you as well. First of all, I know you’re not thinking this, you were never the type, but there’s no reason to be upset that I would write to you second, Aly’s my daughter after all.

I miss you. Every second, of every minute of every day.

Physical aspects aside, you know what I miss the most about you? For all of your proposed wild side, for all of your self proclaimed feelings of worthlessness, you were amazing. Feth, you still are. After all, you may still be alive after eight hundred fifty years, I don’t really know. I love you. I know we were never supposed to say that as Jedi, or have those feelings, but you know I did, I do. I didn’t have to be this big scary Jedi warrior around you, around Aly. I could just be me, just like you could be you. That’s why we clicked so well, it wasn’t about “labels”, I miss that…

… I miss you.

You know, no matter what I said, I never wanted to change you, I know you didn’t want that for me either. I just wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t around me. I just wanted you to feel like you were worth something like you could mean something to someone and it is more than something physical, or some illegal or immoral act. Remember the polka dot dress? Ha. Yeah, great memories there. I knew I screwed the pooch on that one, but after that? All those people we ran into? All those times they brought it up? Yeah, that was to make me look pathetic and cute, I’ll admit it, but I also arranged them so that you’ll feel better about yourself.

It’s all I ever wanted for you.

If you’re not still around… again… your mother and your father… I won’t go there. I just want you to know… no matter what, Babe. I just wanted you to be happy, not because you were some project to me, but because you were a better person than anyone ever gave you credit for, even me. You made me happy, you still do. I hope I did that for you. I hope you were able to move on, and find someone. Heh, I know that no one could compare to me, haha. You didn’t deserve to be alone, not one night stands, or psycho frizzy hair chicks, someone you deserve.

I also want you to know that… I’m okay. I miss you, I miss you all, but I want you to know that I’m okay here in this future existence. I’m not looking for anyone, I’m just being a Jedi, I’m happy doing it. Yes, I really am. Will I ever feel the way I feel about you again? No. Will I ever get that feeling again? Whose to say. Just know that… I wanted you to have a better future.

Being with you gave me one.

Love always and forever,
Caltin

P.S. I’m redesigning Conservator just like you suggested. My way of keeping you with me.
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Caltin Vanagor
I write for me. If you like what I do? GREAT!

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