Private You Know You're Right [Solo]

[Arlo Renard]

Seven Corners, Denon

“Kai?”

The name was a whisper in the dark. Standing in the shadow of an alley beside a bar, Kai blinked bleary, sleep-deprived eyes.

Claudia stood before him, hands in her pockets. Concern lined her features beneath the mask of caution. “Is it really you?” she asked.

<It’s me,> he replied, putting his datapad away.

She gave him a little smile, her eyes growing glassy. "You look..."

<Tired, yeah, I know.> He waved it off, holding out his arms. <C'mere.>

He gave her a warm hug. She was stiff at first, surprised to receive such a tender reception from him, but soon she melted in his embrace.

Reaching up to stroke her hair, he grabbed a few locks, clutching them in his fist. <You've got to tell me everything, Claudia. Whatever she's done to you, whatever deal you made, it doesn't matter—>

Claudia abruptly pulled away from him, her eyes wide with fright. "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't make any deal—"

<Then why weren't you there when I came back? You saw what she did to me.> His voice in her head couldn’t be ignored. <You left.>

"I thought you were dead," Claudia sputtered, tears streaming from her eyes. "I was scared. I thought I had sent you to your death. I—"

Wracked with guilt, he tried to reassure her. <Shh, hey, don’t cry. I asked you to come here so we could clear things up. No more confusion, okay? Can you tell me where Erictho is now?>

“I don’t know. I left before she did.” She glared at him. "Is that the only reason you wanted to see me? Because you thought I had cut a deal with her?"

<I didn't know what to think,> Kai muttered, removing a green vial from his pocket. He injected the stim into his thigh, his eyelids fluttering as it coursed through his veins. Of all the things he missed about his old body, being able to go for long periods of time without sleep was probably at the top of the list.

"She isn't the one who helped me, remember? You were too busy fighting the people who saved my life!"

<Are you ever going to let that go?> Kai turned to face her. <I was a chithead then, I'm not anymore. New body, new me.>

"I wouldn't say that," she muttered.

Did she mean she wouldn’t call old him a chithead, or was she doubting he had changed? He wasn’t sure. Maybe it was a little bit of both. <Yeah, well, you're clearly just mad that this wasn't a social call.>

Claudia pressed her lips together. "I missed you."

<I missed you too,> he said despite himself. <So there, we missed each other.> A beat. <Sorry for pulling your hair.>

In response, she grabbed a fistful of his curls and tugged, though not very hard. He snorted.

"What are you going to do now?" she asked.

<I don't know. Keep looking for the witch, I guess.> His brow furrowed. <Damsy returned from her exile, then left again. This time she won't be coming back. The old gang is all gone, from the sound of it. It’s just you and me.>

"Feth. Kai, I'm so sorry..." But even as she spoke, she could hear his breathing hitch, as though he were stifling a sob.

<Why did you go? I figured out of everyone, you at least would always be there. Is it because I couldn't be what you want me to be?> He took a step closer, cupping her face between his hands. <I can be whoever I want now. I'll do it for you. I'll be what you want, if you'll just stay. Please…>

Claudia’s eyes went wide as he leaned forward and kissed her.

 

[Arlo Renard]

“No,” Claudia said, breaking away. “Don’t do this just to please me. I’ll stay, you don’t have to—”

<I want to,> Kai interrupted, still holding her close.

She pushed against him, but the pressure was weak, offering little resistance. His arms loosened, yet she didn’t leave his space. Claudia avoided looking at him. “I’m confused,” she mumbled.

<I don’t blame you.> He gave her a little smile. <Like I said, I’ve changed.>

“Completely.”

<No, not completely. Walk with me, and I’ll tell you all about it.>

They went for a walk through town, passing bars and theaters with glittering neon signs. He told her about his life as of late, the ups and downs and highs and lows.

<What about you?> he asked, feeling like he had talked about himself enough.

She looked at him then, her blue eyes overflowing. “I’ve loved you for years,” she said.

<No, I mean—> He blinked, then softened. <I mean your life. How have you been?>

“Fine.” She reached for his hand. “Do you want to come to my place?”

<Sure.> Lacing his fingers between hers, he let her take the lead. <What about the others at the Reef? Do you know what happened to them?>

“As far as I know, only one other person survived. Well, two.”

<Who is it?> he asked.

"Can you still not speak?" Claudia glanced around self-consciously. "I don't want people to think I'm talking to myself."

"I can talk, but I don't like it," he said softly. "Who else survived Erictho?"

With a sigh, she finally murmured, “Andromache and her baby.”

Kai’s blood ran cold. Andromache was a Dvirat Motina—a droid designed to incubate Sithspawn. She had arrived at the Reef carrying a Doppelganger inside her. "It’s not her baby," he said. "In fact, it’s not a baby at all."

“It’s a girl,” Claudia said dryly. “And before you ask, I'm not telling you where they are."

"I wouldn't expect you to..." He trailed off as Claudia let go of his hand, disappearing around a corner. He hurried after her.

 

[Arlo Renard]

Around the corner was a man wearing a trenchcoat. Claudia spoke to him briefly, then gave the man some credits. In exchange, he handed her a small vial.

“What was that all about?” Kai asked her in a whisper as they walked away.

Looking around to make sure nobody else was within earshot, Claudia whispered back, “Glitterstim.”

Kai gaped at her, stunned. <What did you buy a vial of glitterstim for?>

“To shoot up, of course.” When Kai continued to stare at her, she added, “It’s fun. You’d know it if you tried it. Even smelling it makes you feel good.”

She uncorked the bottle and held it under his nose. Kai blinked, his eyes tearing up as soon as the fumes hit him. A pleasant feeling gradually spread through his body, like being wrapped up in a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer.

Glitterstim was a foreign god that his body still remembered worshiping. The pull was irresistible. He reached up to snatch the bottle from her, clutching it possessively. She stared at him in shock.

"Give that back." She held out her hand. "Please."

She thought he was going to smash the vial or tell the police, didn't she? No, no.

<All I want is a taste,> he whispered in her mind.

Her lips parted, then pulled back in a grin. “Let’s go back to my place now.”

 

[Arlo Renard]

<Claudia…>

Reclining in bed at her apartment, Claudia bit her lip to hide her smile. The holo was on, playing an old movie. A favorite of hers. Kai lay flat on his stomach beside her, his face shoved into a pillow.

At first, the drug trip had been mediocre. He barely felt a thing, save for a sudden onset of grogginess and lethargy. The journey to Denon must’ve given him jet lag. All he wanted to do was sleep. Could he spend the night?

“Sure,” Claudia had agreed. Kai felt so tired he simply fell into bed, not even caring as she turned on the holo and sat next to him.

Kai was just beginning to drift off when the glitterstim rocketed through his veins. It hit his heart like a jackhammer, making it pound against his ribs. He gasped for breath as if he had just run several miles.

Then came the high. It was sugar and spice, ice cream and candy, marshmallow and lavender.

He groaned, rolling over on his back against the bed and stretching out his arms and legs. The blood flow to his muscles made the warm, glowing feeling spread faster.

<Claudia,> he repeated, almost a sob. <It feels so good.>

Claudia, still smiling, said nothing, snacking on pieces of dark chocolate as she watched her show.

Roughly a half hour later, Kai suddenly shot up and began pacing the floor. He walked right through the hologram, the flickering colors playing over his skin.

“You’re ruining my movie,” Claudia complained.

Pausing for barely a second, Kai changed course, walking over to her side of the bed. He climbed on top of her and pressed his lips to hers, tasting the lingering richness of the chocolate on her tongue.

“That stuff really revs your engine, doesn’t it?” she said with a smirk. “It’s not just glitterstim, you know.”

Kai raised his head from her chest. <You laced it? With what?>

Her eyebrows rose. “Truth serum.”

He stared at her. <Why?>

“Because I want to know the truth.” She cupped his face in her hands. “Who do you really love, Kai? Do you love me?”

Though he tried to keep it inside, the thought escaped him. <No.>

“That’s what I thought.” She stroked his hair. “You should be more honest.”

Kai scrambled to his feet and backed away from her. In his mind was a whirlwind. Should he leave? No, not while in his inebriated state. He’d hurt himself if he tried.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Claudia asked, her tone coy and yet cold. “We’ve barely gotten started.”

She turned off the holo and patted the other side of the bed. Kai remained where he was, unmoving as a statue.

“Why did you come here, then?” she asked softly. “If you don’t love me.”

<I wanted—> He broke off, catching himself, then reluctantly muttered, <I wanted.>

“Ah. I see.” Despite the frankness of her tone, her face grew red with shame and anger. “You’re no longer immune to lust, then.”

<Claudia—>

“Don’t start. There’s still more I want to know.” She chewed her lip. “Why did you have to pick such a lousy new body?”

<It was the only one I could find. You were there, you know how fast it all went down…>

“I also remember that you were against the idea of clones,” she pointed out. “You could’ve gotten a clone body rather than the corpse of an addict.”

<It’s just the way I am. We Bamarri can’t possess the bodies of the living. It’s against our nature. A clone may not have memories or a fully developed consciousness, but they’re still alive in a way that a dead person isn’t. They have that potential.>

“So you’re saying that the body I’m in now could’ve been a completely different person, if I hadn’t transferred my essence into it?”

<Yes.>

Claudia sighed. “Well, I don’t care. It’s mine now, it was made for me, and my quality of life is better because of it.” She swept her hair out of her eyes and looked up at him. “Why did you leave?”

This time, the answer came almost immediately, though it pained him to admit it.

<Because I wanted to die.>

“Bullshit. You’ve fought harder to survive than anyone else I know.”

<Gerda wanted me to die with her,> he whispered in her mind. <But I wanted to live. I knew what I wanted then, because I had to fight for it. But then… everyone just kept affirming, affirming, no matter what choice I made.>

“They want you to be happy.”

<But they’re making me miserable! I don’t want to be happy, I want to be good!>

“But isn’t this what you wanted?” She gestured to him. “You hated being a Sithspawn, you were desperate to be free—”

<No! I mean—yes, I wanted to be free of the Dark Side. But everyone has a dark side, don’t they?> Kai began to pace again, moving from one end of the room to the other, his socks rubbing against the carpet.

<When I decided to change, I don’t know if I did it because I wanted to, or because other people wanted me to. Most of the Jedi hated me for what I was. The ones who didn’t hate me, I at least knew they were true friends. I could be myself around them, and they wouldn’t reject me for it. But if everybody suddenly likes me, how am I supposed to know who my real friends are?>

Claudia’s gaze grew stormy. “Don’t tell me you think I’m a liar. I loved you from the moment I met you, Kai. In one body or another, I'll always love you. I only wish that you knew how to love yourself.”

<What good will that do?> he shot back. <I spent years wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing, when I had all these powers and abilities. I saved people’s lives with them. Yet all I could ever see were the worst parts of it all.> He held up his hands. <I thought that if I gave it all up, things would be better. But they aren’t. I… I’m still mired in the Dark. Nothing really changed. Not where it counts.>

Claudia frowned. She had other questions, but this subject matter had led her down an interesting rabbit hole. No matter. It was time to find her way back. “Who do you really love? Is it that Jedi girl, Iris? Do you love her?”

Kai grimaced. <Why do you care? I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I was going to settle for you, because I couldn’t have what I really wanted.>

On a sudden impulse to get away from her and escape all these questions, he reached for the handle of the bathroom door. A painful jolt shocked through his arm, causing him to recoil.

Claudia was glaring at him, rage and hurt and sorrow in her eyes. “You’ve still got to pay me,” she said in a trembling low voice. “Glitterstim doesn’t come cheap.”