Private Where We Go From Here

[Amani Serys]

Amani couldn’t stop thinking about that day on Yavin. The scene played in her head on repeat. It felt like things were slowly starting to look up again after Yurb, but just like that all of the personal growth she had made was thrown away. Though her physical recovery from Yavin was quicker, the psychological implications rooted far deeper than any bodily scar. In short, she had become obsessed. And what she was looking for couldn’t be found here. So she forced herself to make one of the most difficult decisions of her life: Leaving.

“EmTee? You’re not going to like this, but, I don’t think I can bring you with me.”

“What?! But Miss Amani, I-”

“I knoooooow, I know. It’s your job to look after me. But, I have to do this alone.”

“...You have been sneaking out more, Miss Amani.” The droid’s gaze turned to her left arm, the cybernetic now replaced by genuine flesh and bone. Amani didn’t think it would be as strange to get used to as it really was. It was something familiar, and yet entirely foreign. What was once thought gone forever was now back, and even stronger than before. Perhaps it was for the best that she was leaving so soon after getting it. Explaining where it came from could be… complicated, and spreading word of the events of Yavin already had some people giving her strange looks. Even now she found herself staring at it too, as she placed another set of clothes into her bag.

“...Are you going to tell anyone?”

“...No.”

“Not that it’s going to matter now, I guess.” Amani sealed the bag shut, throwing it over her shoulder and turning to face the droid directly. Abruptly she pulled him into a hug, “Thank you. For everything.” He reciprocated, his tone much more glum than she had ever heard it, “You are very welcome. It has been my pleasure. Please stay safe.”

“I will. Goodbye, EmTee. Keep an eye on everyone here until I get back, yeah?” He acknowledged her final request with a solemn nod, and Amani stepped back and quickly left the room.

She just had one more stop to make.

Amani was far from the only one to suffer from Yurb and Yavin. The two of them had hardly discussed the events of the former even now. It was always coincidentally glossed over in favor of lighter conversation. Now it just felt like delaying something that was impossible to ignore. But if anyone else was going to understand, it was probably her. Amani raised a hand, rapping lightly on the door to her dorm.

“...Kyra? Can we talk? About… things.”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra pried open the door, a hazy look to a blood shot gaze that greeted Amani back. Kyra didn't look like herself, no pep to her step or smile to share. Amani received a singular, reserved once over; the visitor's energy felt... subdued, not unlike Kyra's own. The Zeltron had been braced for one of those visits. The ones meant 'express concern' or ' lift her up'. She didn't have time for those kindsa things.

She was busy with stuffs.

The door swung open as soon as she realized Amani wasn't sporting any of that crap, an edge about her friend that left Kyra feeling mildly... apprehensive. She didn't know Amani to any deep level, the girl seemed to resonate better with Acaadi or Ura. But she did know her. Enough to give her a fleeting, worried look.

"If Nida owed you money, I don't have it."

She plopped down onto her bed, a laundry-covered beanbag left open for her friend. "Eh," she whined, holding out a can of pop for Miss Two-Hands to crack into for her. She had been staring at it longingly for days.

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani gave a weak and weary smile as the door opened, which she dropped just as quickly when she saw her friend. It was obvious that neither were feeling their usual selves lately. The Mirialan stroked her own arm uncomfortably at the surprise mention of Nida. She had learned about at least some of what happened, and didn’t expect Kyra to want to bring it up, “Em, nothing like that, no.”

She stepped through the door, tentatively accepting the messy beanbag seat that was offered. Her gaze fell to the Zeltron’s non-working arm when she held out the drink for her to open. Amani would never admit it, but there was a twisted sense of jealousy she had harbored after the invasion, for the fact that Kyra even had the option to keep her arm. It wasn’t a feeling she liked having, though it mattered little anyways; Such an insecurity would hardly be justifiable now. Instead, the girl just took solace in knowing they weren’t alone in their struggles.

Then again, what exactly was she here for, but to talk about going it alone?

Amani popped the drink open with little issue, giving it back before folding her hands over the top of the bag now resting in her lap. She studied the room, shifting her jaw nervously and letting the silence hang between them for a few moments. “So, um…” Amani winced at her own inability to find the words for what she wanted to say, “...How are you doing?” She returned her focus to Kyra, and tried to reassure her with a follow up, “Don’t worry. I’m not here to… baby you or anything. I’m sick of it, too.” Amani might not be a true empath like her Zeltron friend, but she could read the girl’s attitude clearly enough. Excessive pity wasn’t going to get either of them what they needed.

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra heard none of it, her gaze locked on the fleshy hand that cracked open her soda. Her thoughts were clear across her face. Kyra had always been an open book. She said nothing, scattering forward and grabbing at the hand without a word. Her brows were furrowed in disbelief, her good hand tracing up Amani's arm, yanking up robes to find the seam of metal to flesh.

But there was none.

Life pulsed under the warm limb she held, a subtle hint of something unnatural to her friend as Kyra stared up at her.

"How?" She whispered, a crazed look of concern coming over her.

Kyra knew what it was like to be touched by the darkside. She knew it all too well.

And Amani? Well. She had been blasted with it.

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani’s voice trailed off as she immediately saw the look in Kyra’s eye. She flinched as the Zeltron suddenly scrambled forward, taking it upon herself to examine the arm more closely. What was once cold metal had now returned as living flesh and blood, and brought a palpable force presence back with it.

As she lifted up the sleeve, the skin underneath felt almost uncannily smooth, indeed like it was brand new, and practically devoid of imperfections. Even the area where it had been reattached was free of scarring, the arm’s innate healing abilities curing and presenting it as if no medical procedure had ever taken place. All courtesy of AMCO , the very same Sith alchemist that had helped awaken Nida Perl from her sleeper agency back on Yavin. Not that Amani herself was even aware of the connection. Nonetheless, the Mirialan quickly clammed up at the question.

“Um. I-I just got it cloned.” Amani set her other hand against her chest, over the scar this train of thought had reminded her of, “After the fight with… after my cybernetic got destroyed, I just... got it cloned.” The hint of uneasiness in her demeanor wasn’t particularly hard to notice. Amani had proven surprisingly good at hiding her emotions, except for when she was directly confronted. Ten years of bottling her problems up had become increasingly difficult to disguise, the more she was forced to face reality. She swallowed and looked back at Kyra, hoping the explanation was satisfactory.

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

It wasn't satisfactory, though not for the reasons Amani feared.

Kyra gaped at her friends arm, the gears visibility turning as she tried to understand and place how she, another Silver Member, had access to cloning when Kyra had not. Why didn't she have access to that?

Would she even want that?

Was a newly built flesh arm any better than metal one?

Was the boat still the same boat if you replaced all the wood planks in it?

Her expression contorted in this dilemma that had been plaguing her for weeks, her thoughts falling away from Amani and onto herself. "...Oh..." Was all she said, slowly withdrawing back to the bed. She blinked hard, then surged forward for her soda can, before falling back once more.

It didn't take an empath to sense Amani's strife, though Kyra felt her friends confliction all the same. She winced, retreating into small sips of her can as they both absorbed the moment awkwardly.

"...Yeah..." A good enough summery of how they felt. "...Ohey, You want one?" She pointed to another unopened can, half buried in a robe. Kyra was never a clean person on a good day, but being down an arm had amplified the issue.

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani just watched as Kyra processed the story. She wished there was a way to explain it to her. That she could just spill everything and she, or anyone, would completely understand. But she was afraid, and she didn’t want to risk losing a friend.

Maybe one day. She could only hope hiding the truth now wouldn’t damage things further.

Kyra’s ‘yeah’ certainly summed things up. Amani just gave a single nod in response, twiddling her thumbs idly as she tried to figure out how to break the silence. Her friend got to it first, offering a second soda to her.

“Um, sure.” She hesitated as she tried to find the drink, following the point over to the robes covering it, “Ah.” The untidiness did not go unnoticed, she couldn’t help but wonder if she should offer to help. Carefully, Amani lifted it up, taking the soda and popping the tab. With a slow sip, she nodded, apparently finding its taste acceptable, “Thanks.”

Another pause followed, leaving the two girls sat in silence once more. In the quiet, Amani’s mind was racing for how to best say what she wanted to say. Finally, she built up the courage to just do it.

“...I’m leaving, Kyra.”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Her blood ran cold-- little tinkles of shock bursting over her skin like electric fireworks. Kyra stared at her, her eyes wide and intense as she struggled to process the bomb dropped on her.

Naturally, only one explanation made sense.

"...Is this about Acaadi? Cause I can stop sleeping with him if you like him. I hadn't seen you guys together in weeks-- And I had thought-- it's humans that get weird about that and you're not-- We're just frien-- Pleasedon'tleaveus,we'llcutitout," she rambled, her voice high and tight as her soda can crinkled under her fingers.

The words slipped out of her without thought, her fears gripping her and running headlong in. As always.

Whoops.

 

[Amani Serys]

"...Is this about Acaadi?”

“...What?”

“Cause I can stop sleeping with him if you like him.”

“What?!”

“I hadn't seen you guys together in weeks--“

“Nonononono-“

“And I had thought-- it's humans that get weird about that and you're not--“

“I didn’t even-“

“We're just frien--”

“That’s not-“

“Pleasedon'tleaveus,we'llcutitout,"

“Kyra, I-, wha-,” Now she was the one rambling, “No! That’s not... ugh, we went to like, one dance together. It never turned into anything more than that.” Amani ran a hand down her now flushed face. She could tell they had a bond, she was however not expecting to here all of that. “You’re sleeping with him?!” She tried to relent, waving dismissively, “Kyra, what you and Acaadi do is none of my business. If you, like him, or something, that’s… great. Go for it.” They were getting way off topic. Amani just sat there for a moment trying to process everything and refocus herself.

Alright maybe she couldn’t just yet.

“You really think I’d leave the Jedi over that?”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

She didn't- they didn't- heat filled Kyra's face as she realized her misstep, embarrassment flooding forward. Oh chit. She looked about ready to eat her own tongue, her frame growing smaller as she receded onto the bed.

"Whhhhhy else would you goooooo?" Kyra whined, her voice tight and distraught as she spilled her own beans. Kyra sat up a little straighter, a desperate sheen entering her eyes as she leaned in. "You can't tell anyone that. You don't- I'm not- he's just-" She was reduced to sputters, Amani's point lost to the horror of the moment.

She had not wanted anyone to know. She wasn't just another Zeltron, alright? It wasn't like that! Instead of words, Amani received panic. Kyra picked up the pillow and waped it at her friend's head. "Haha- I got you. Fooled you there for a moment, huh? Good one. Me- Acaadi- pffffffft!" Her lie shone clear across her face, her features pinched and on edge.

Kyra always was an open book.

 

[Amani Serys]

Hoookay.

Amani sat reactionless, the pillow to the face serving little more than to wipe her face from a look of confusion to a frown. Obviously Kyra was not taking this particularly well either. It hurt to see her try so hard to take it back. Alright, what’s one more chance to play counselor for someone? Force knows when she’d get to do it again anyway. Time for the mom tone, “Kyra...”

Pushing off the beanbag, Amani shuffled over to sit next to Kyra on the bed, “Look, whatever is going on, does not bother me. Several months ago? ...Maybe,” she chuckled at her own half-joke, hoping to relieve some of the awkwardness. “Um, but, anyway-- You know you’re allowed to like someone, right? Just like anyone else is? I'm not going to pretend to understand everything that’s happening between you two, but, I don't think you should feel… embarrassed, or ashamed, or whatever.” Amani crossed her heart for reassurance, “I’m not going to tell anyone anything.”

Finally, on the chance that her friend was wholly unwilling to pursue this subject further, she offered one more lifesaver by answering the first question, “...I’m leaving to go get Elise back.”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

You know you’re allowed to like someone, right?

Kyra blinked softly, Amani's words hitting spots in her she didn't even have words for.

She had them now.

Embarrassed.

Ashamed.

Not allowed.

It was such a complex revelation, it could have taken hours of her attention and several drinks just to talk through. She had none of that, Amani's next reveal doing it's job and changing the topic instead.

Kyra blinked again, this time with more intent. "You're-What," she asked sharply. Amani's meaning was obvious, but it was so ludicrous to her it took more than a moment to work through. Kyra turned to her friend feeling the change inside of her and choosing not to listen. It was frightening. More than could be said. Nida changed abruptly. She was angry. She was determined. She was... dark.

Amani just hadn't showered. There was nothing corrupted about her.

Kyra went for the next more nonsensical explanation. "They're launching another mission? Aw man, I wanna go to!" Was it because of her stupid arm? Or the fact she lost her sister and nearly had a ranger bleed out besides her last time? If someone was going against sith, Kyra wanted in.

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani gave the Zeltron a suspicious look, trying to figure if she at least comprehended the message she was trying to give her. Though ready to reaffirm what was said, the topic changed and now Amani found herself being questioned.

“No, no. I haven’t heard anything about another mission. I don’t think... anybody knows where she is.” Amani ran her hand over the scar on her chest, the events of Yavin playing back in her head in exceptional detail. Just thinking too much about the pain she experienced would be enough to send her into a panic attack. It was indescribable. And if that happened to her, she could only picture worse happening to the Grandmaster. She broke free of that train of thought.

“So, I’m doing it myself. And first I need to get stronger, but I can’t do that just sitting around, listening to lectures in class, you know?” There was a hint of desperation in her words, “Once I’m stronger, I can go find Elise. And I can save her. And I can bring her back.” Amani paused, the conflict swimming around in her head could be recognized on her face. Her tone took a more serious turn. She spoke in a cold, matter-of-fact manner, as if the results of such events had already been set in stone, “And then, I’m going to find Darth Prazutis ...”

“...And I’m going to kill him.”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra's eyes widened in panic, the girl looking upon her friend as if she was crazy.

Kyra.

Thinking she was crazy.

If that didn't say something, nothing would.

Amani's meaning hit Kyra over the head, said so loud and clear there was no way for her to selectively hear it otherwise. The panic built, imagines of the Sith Lord Amani spoke of coming to mind. She knew of him. Intimately. Kyra's good hand lashed out, her grip surprisingly strong as it dug into Amani's wrist.

"Amani, no." Her tone was absolutely, an uncharacteristic edge to her. Her fear was palpable. Kyra couldn't help the way the memories came forward- flashing like bursts of light across their skin that touched.

Darth Prazitus, looming over her.

Blasting dark energy at her. Consuming her.

Undeniable pain.

Darkness.

Her fingers dug in tighter, unwilling to let her friend go. "He will kill you. He killed the old Grand Master-- he'll kill the kew one too. You're just a padawan, what makes you think you'll be any different. You need those classes, stupid. You can't go."

Was she talking to Amani, or herself?

The line blurred, Kyra's decision to leave Silver Rest not yet main in this timeline xoxo.

 

[Amani Serys]

Kyra’s total change in demeanor caught Amani wholly off-guard. She barely had time to react before her friend’s hand clawed into her wrist. They were linked in their shared pain, as much as Amani wished it could be otherwise. Her own memories of the Sith Lord breaking onto the surface in response. Frustration. Fear. Pain. So much pain.

Amani squealed, immediately breaking down crying at the cutting reminder of her failures. Hot tears rushed down her cheeks, she shook her head frantically, “K-Kyra, please. You don’t-- you don’t get it.” She reached over and took hold of the Zeltron’s arm, too afraid to let go. The pain hurt, but the thought of being alone hurt just as much. Right now, Kyra was her tangible anchor to reality. “I need this. I n-need this, Kyra. It’s all I have left. The Jedi. I don’t get a family. This is it.” Everything hurt. Every decision caused pain. She hated it. But at least this one offered some kind of penance. A hope that things would return to normal.

“If I don’t go and get her? After everything that’s happened? After everything I... I-I can’t…” She wheezed a shaky breath, trying to compose herself to little effect. “I… I wasn’t going to tell anyone else. I thought they’d... try to stop me… or-or they wouldn’t care, or-” Amani dropped her shoulders, trying to meet Kyra's gaze through watery eyes, “But, I didn’t just want to… go without saying something. I figured… with everything that’s happened, you would understand. I figured you wouldn’t tell anyone." Her eyes blinked over to the broken arm again for a brief moment. They suffered similar fates on Yurb. Yavin had been no less cruel to them. Nida. Elise. The Sith.

"Was I wrong?”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Those weren't Amani's memories, they were Kyra's own. When Amani had first met her, the girl had been unusually quiet and pained. The battle of Kintan had left Kyra broken. Darth Prazitus' dark energy lingered in her for weeks. Kyra understood more than any what Amani was going up through, yet at the sight of her friend breaking down, none of it mattered.

Thoughts dissolved to dust, her tear ducts overflowing with liquid as the empath shared her friend's tears.

Kyra said nothing, falling to her knees and embracing Amani instead. Their pain rang like a dim bell between them reverberating on and on, the world feeling dull and hopeless. She was not convinced it'd ever get better. Was this a jedi's lot?

"P-please," she hitched, her thin frame heavy in her friends arms. "Don't do this. You'll die-- you'll die-- I can't-- Not you." Kyra curled into her, Amani's shirt growing damp. "Stay here with me."

Came the hoarse plea, her voice raw with their grief. There was no comprehending what life would be like with the absence of a close friend, not now. Not like this. ...Never mind the death of another. Her brain refused to even think it.

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani melted into the embrace, now sobbing uncontrollably. She dug her fingers into Kyra’s back, grasping at her desperately. The world around her was shut out, she held on like nothing else mattered. Confiding in someone like this is supposed to be cathartic. Why does it have to hurt so much? “I want to-- I want to.” She quavered, lip trembling as she leaned as close as she could. Tear-stained cheeks pressed into Kyra’s shoulder. The solace she found in their mutual grief was bittersweet.

How could she understand?

She was the only one who could understand. Amani’s voice cracked, muffled against her friend’s shirt, “I don’t know what to do!” The girl pleaded for a concrete answer. For an answer that would solve everything. It was so much easier, being told what to do, and doing it. Change is supposed to be good. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Finally, the weeping grew quieter and quieter as the time passed, replaced by hushed sniffles and broken whimpers. Amani’s grip loosened, but she never pushed away. Like if they stayed there forever, then nothing could change. They wouldn’t have to face the world anymore. This could be the new normal. “Why does it have to hurt so much?” She croaked tiredly.

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra clung to Amani, the gesture of touch more than Amani had ever seen from the girl. With a clammy hand and shaky body she held her friend, their grief seeming to stretch on forever.

And forever.

And fiveever.

“Why does it have to hurt so much?” Came the tired croak of her friend.

Kyra frowned, her stillness breaking like cracks in the ice as life entered her limbs and she started to move. She shifted a bit, dealing with the tingles in her butt. "Master Caedyn says we take on the pain in the world so others do not have to. It's a jedi's sacrifice. ...And its why you can't do this. Master Elise didn't trade her life for yours just so you could go die again. Her time might be gone, but think of all the good you could do. All the people you'll walk away from."

Kyra was not beyond using guilt, but that didn't make her point any less true. She took the words Caedyn had leveled at her and she tossed em right back at Amani. It only felt a little weird. Anything to not lose a friend.

"Please stay. Please, we gotta get better so we can actually go help. We have to train. We can't go out there like this." Mature words for the class clown, but she had been trying ever since Yurb. Truly trying.

 

[Amani Serys]

The barrage of emotions felt so confusing to her. So much frustration and doubt assuaged by their embrace. She’d never realized just how much contact like this had been sorely missing from her life for so long. And then Kyra, of all people, giving her a life lesson, only added to the confusion.

Amani pulled back reluctantly, eyes now red and puffy as she looked back at her friend. “I… ugh, Kyra, if you… if you knew that you had the chance to help someone. To save someone. From something that you did? Wouldn’t you do it? Isn’t it my job as a Jedi to do that same thing?” She dragged a long sigh, running a hand through her messy hair as she tried to find her counterargument. Having a moral debate after one of the biggest cries of your life was hard.

“I can’t just... leave her to die!” Amani bit her lip, hoping sincerely she wouldn’t regret bringing up her next point, “What about Nida?”

Kyra Perl

 

[Kyra Perl]

Kyra flinched back, Amani's words hitting home. She made a face, her chin practically retreating into her neck as she tried to physically reject it. "Yeah but that's different like... I mean..." For the first moment, Kyra looked down on herself and questioned if she was making the right call. Sitting around waiting for the adult to go fix things, to go bring Nida back...

Well as Yurb had taught her, even adults weren't flawless. Sometimes they needed help. Sometimes they failed. A spike of anxiety hit Kyra's gut, Amani's words crawling through her, taking root.

Was she leaving Nida to die? Who were the adults out there going to help?

No one, she realized.

Everyone was upset. But who was left to step out and reach out? Her parents-- too old. Her master-- missing. Thirdas-- injured. And Romi? Where was Romi?

Kyra was struck silent, her distress quickly growing across her features as she withdrew from Amani's arms. "Idunlikethis," was all she managed to seep out, a fresh wave of tears overflowing her lash line. Was that acceptance? Vaguely. Though in truth Amani's departure would leave her weaker than before.

And what could Kyra do about it? Nothing. Amani was right.