Private What Doesn't Kill You

[Eloise Dinn]

Eloise stood on a precipice. At the bottom of the steep cliff was a vast ocean that stretched out to the horizon. No light could penetrate its dark depths. It should have been peaceful, a numbed and quiet place for her drugged mind to rest. But she couldn't. Her mind was never calm, never idle. Never had been.

A great wave rose up and crashed into the rocks far below her feet. She felt the mist splash up against her face, tasted salt on her lips. Then the iron tang of blood and burning carbon flooded her mouth.

Suddenly she was back on Tython, standing over the Sith girl who had tried to kill Dio. Eurydice 's dismembered arm was still burning, scorched flesh glowing orange like hot coals. Eloise's lightsaber growled in her hands as she raised it, ready to strike. This time, she wouldn't hesitate. This time, she wouldn't get away...

Except it wasn't the nameless Sith girl anymore. In her place was someone closer to home. Altrea. Familiar eyes glared at her, their green irises turned toxic with corruption. Her little sister was lost to her, forever. Eloise screamed and swung her blade—

Eloise fell belly-first amid a shower of bacta and shattered transparisteel. She struggled to lift her body from the floor, coughing violently, eyes glued shut and liquid draining from her ears. Suddenly the muffled sound of alarm klaxons was loud and shrill, along with the panicked shouts of doctors and the rapid-fire binary of medical droids. One voice in particular rose above the din, close by and speaking to her directly: "Padawan Dinn, stand down."

"Where am I?" she rasped, voice barely above a whisper. "Who are you? Why can't I feel the Force?" That last one was a new development, as she tried to center herself and found that she was blinded and deafened in a much more profound way.

"You're aboard the Adhira Chandra, in the medbay. I'm Dr. Nars. I've been treating your injuries. As for why you can't feel the Force... We use nullification fields to prevent these kinds of destructive episodes. But it seems you didn't need the Force to break out of your tank."

Eloise blinked. As her vision returned, she could see what the doc was talking about. She raised her trembling hands toward her face, stunned by her own strength. "Sorry."

"It's fine. Could've been worse. A few thousand credits is a drop in the bucket for the Republic." Dr. Nars gestured to a droid. "Deactivate the nullification field."

Eloise sucked in a heavy breath as the Force flooded back into her... and with it, the furious echoes of what had happened on Tython. Her hands clenching into fists, she asked, "Where is Diogo?"

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

The administrator hadn't stopped Diogo when he plucked a few plants and flowers from the ship's hydroponics. Sympathetic, she let it go. He wore grief and it wore him, all pallid skin, sunken eyes, rough stubble, and shoulders slumped from a weight heavier than gravity.

After countless hours in the medbay, hands pressed to Eloise's bacta tank, a nurse suggested he take a walk. So he did. Wandered to the galley, couldn't eat. Then meandered around, found the flowers.

He'd laid one to rest next to his bunk - thorny stem, the flesh of its petals a light blue. Reminded him of eyes, the eyes of the girl he killed, or circuitously caused the death of. Probably. She was probably dead. Who could have survived those wounds?

Diogo was making his way back to the medbay, fistful of misfit flora, when he heard the chaos. He sprinted down the hallway, felt Eloise's presence in the Force again, heard his name over the pounding of his footsteps.

When he turned the corner he saw her in a destruction of her own making, shattered transparisteel, a pool of bacta. She was soaked, fists clenched - oh yeah, she looked furious. That was nothing new. In fact, it was good. Like she was put back together. Like she was herself again.

His eyes turned golden, lit from within. Just happy she was alive.

"Hey, you," he said.

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

The world gradually came into focus again. Eloise accepted an offered towel and sat down, wiping the gunk from her eyes. A droid cleaned up the mess she had made, while another scanned her vitals.

"You healed remarkably well, even for a Jedi," Dr. Nars said. "I wonder if there is some genetic component which explains it..."

"I was exposed to a Force nexus when I was a kid," she muttered in reply. "It made me big and strong and healthy. My brother was the same way..."

She trailed off, reminded again that Marcus was gone. But her moment of grief was interrupted by the arrival of Diogo. She sensed him coming and immediately lifted her head, though her expression was oddly neutral. Not ecstatic to see him, but not angry either.

"Hey," she greeted him. He looked like shit, but that wasn't anything new these days, so she didn't bother to say anything. "Glad to see you're okay. What happened while I was out?"

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

"Y'know me, I heal fast," he replied, pointing to his cheek for emphasis. His proboscises coiled in pocket slumber there. A reminder of what he was, in case her mind was a tad sluggish. "How are you feeling?"

Diogo gestured with the flowers. "These are for you. Was plannin' on leaving them out by your bacta tank, but well..."

How long had she been out? Hard to know exactly, his mind was fog. Hours and hours, days and days, with his fingers glued to her tank, the adhesive a mixture of guilt, worry, and other complicated feelings.

"That depends. What do you remember?"

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Turning her head, her glance at the blooms became a longer stare. Nobody had ever brought her flowers before. Not even Resh , though he probably didn't know about the practice. Might even object to killing the flowers. Psh, nature boy...

She faced Diogo again, her mind traveling back to Tython. "It looked like you were struggling. Sith witch had you in her clutches. I figured she was mind controlling you, making you not fight back when she went to cut your throat. So I cut off her arm and stabbed her in the chest. I was about to cut off her head when I heard you yell my name. That gave her a chance to hit me."

The Sith hit pretty damn hard. Eloise didn't know the exact extent of the damage, but she knew it had been life threatening. Even with all the medical technology available it probably would've killed just about anybody else. She was very lucky she wasn't crippled.

"Did we get any of the holocrons?" she asked, changing the subject to the objective of their mission. "Did you finish that banshee off, at least?"

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

"Sith witch," Diogo repeated, the words sour on his lips. It felt like an absurd description. She was just a scared, confused girl. Wasn't she? Eloise must've been like that. Once. "Aye, she was strong. Got into my head. Saw things nobody else has seen. I don't think she wanted to, but..."

He stopped himself. His eyes flicked away, boomeranged back to her. It was hard talking to her about this, she who was stubborn to her core, she who hated Sith.

"Yeah, about that," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm sorry. She was in control of my mind," the last part a lie or half-truth. He didn't know anymore. It just fell off his tongue before he could catch it.

"If only you hadn't missed her heart," he teased suddenly, with a grin. He meant it as banter, to draw her attention away from his discomfort. She couldn't hear his thoughts, but they were so incongruous with what he was saying. Felt like he was being split in two.

Then, Eloise changed the subject. The mission failure didn't weigh on him, at least not as much as it should.

"Others did, but not us. Sith reinforcements came... you were down and I was too weak, had to get you out of there."

Diogo paused, swallowed, rubbed his arm.

"Me? Uh, yeah," he looked away. The banshee had enough wounds to down a rabid rancor. She was probably dead, but he couldn't be sure. Couldn't be sure if he couldn't be sure because he wanted her still to be alive. Hope against odds, like death was just probability, like maybe, if he believed hard enough, through some unlikely chance his hands wouldn't be so damn bloody. He just couldn't be sure. Couldn't be sure of anything.

In the end he spoke convincingly, even if vaguely, even if he didn't feel it. "I saw her draw her last breath."

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Diogo more or less confirmed her suspicions. Eloise liked being right as much as the next person - but there was something a little odd about it all. Like he was telling her what she wanted to hear. What reason would Dio have to lie to her, though?

She couldn't think of a reason. She didn't want to start an argument either, especially not when their friendship was basically in name only at this point, but Eloise wasn't one to let things slip past her without notice.

"You nailed her, but were too weak after that to get the holocrons?" she asked, holding his gaze. "Or did she die from her wounds?"

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

She was drilling him. Annoying, but not unexpected.

"Too weak to fight off reinforcements, save you, and get the holocrons," he responded tightly. "I had to make a choice." That was honest enough.

"Yeah, I killed her," he answered flatly. Which was true, in a roundabout way, just not in the way Eloise was asking. The best lie was a truth, or what he thought was a truth.

Diogo held her gaze, shrugged. "What does it matter? Dead is dead."

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Eloise stared at him for a few more seconds before dropping her gaze. She seemed smaller and sadder, her brows knit tightly together.

"I dunno," she said. "For a moment there it seemed like... Like you wanted her to kill you. I assume it was just her influence... But it scared me."

Her expression hardened. "Anyone who does that to somebody deserves a fate worse than death."

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

She was just scared. Her vulnerability was... surprising - perhaps unfairly. Only, it had been so long since he'd caught a glimpse beneath the armor.

Diogo approached, sat, put a gentle hand on her.

"No, it wasn't like that," he murmured, hoping to reassure her. "I was weak, paralyzed by things I was hoping to forget. I'm sorry."

Truth that was a piece of the whole. Really, he didn't believe death was waiting for him at the end of the acolyte's blade. She was hardly a Sith, nor a banshee nor a witch, just a frightened girl with frightened blue eyes.

He was afraid of telling Eloise that. He thought of headless Anton, thought her heart was too hardened. The space between them was already fragile, like a bridge of ice, and one misstep risked slipping off, or shattering the ground completely. Best tread lightly, if at all.

Diogo raised a brow, decided maybe he could talk to her about it from another angle. Gauge how deep her sympathy could go with something closer to home. "Anyone?" he asked. "What if it was your brother?"

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

His refutation at least seemed wholly genuine, his comforting gestures sincere. She allowed him to soothe her worries, glad to be wrong for once.

"Anyone? What if it was your brother?"

Her head snapped up, stunned. But he didn't know about Marcus, didn't he? No one would've told him. Hell, she hadn't told anyone other than Resh about it. Not even Amani. And she was pretty sure Dio didn't know Resh.

"Why my brother?" she asked. "Why not my sister?" That was what she had dreamed in the tank. Altrea becoming a Sith, corrupted and beyond all hope of saving.

She really needed to get her siblings away from Zaathru. She'd delayed it for far too long already. Now that she was eighteen, a legal adult, there was no excuse for not stepping up and becoming the parent neither Mom nor Daddy was capable of being. Her youth be damned.

"Marcus is dead," she said dully. "He was the one who joined the Sith. He died during a training exercise, at the hands of another acolyte. I felt it when it happened."

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

"I thought you had a lot of siblings, but..." he shrugged, "he's your twin, isn't he?"

Was. Was her twin, he realized with horror. Marcus was dead. Diogo felt a chill pierce his spine, felt like he'd lost his footing.

His gaze jolted away, returned softened, confused, apologetic. It was the death of her twin. She felt it. He couldn't imagine. But her voice was dull, her words matter-of-fact, and he struggled to interpret her emotions.

"Fuck," he breathed. "I'm so sorry. Are you... alright?"

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

“The Sith was a girl, right? It’s easier to put my sister in her place.” She certainly didn’t look like any of her gangly redheaded brothers.

Dio reacted to the news of Marcus’ death with appropriate shock and sympathy. Eloise’s emotions were more… complicated. In some ways she felt numb to the pain, and in others the loss was still visceral.

“Thanks,” she murmured softly. “It’s been hard. I hadn’t talked to him in a long time, and… We didn’t leave off on good terms.” She sighed, frustration poking through. “He knew what was going on back home, and he didn’t do anything about it. Worse, he didn’t tell me. I never forgave him for that. Then he went off and joined the Sith, and I was afraid I’d end up facing him on the battlefield.” That was no longer a possibility, at least. “And now he’s dead. No blaze of glory, just another casualty of Sith brutality. It’s amazing any of them make it out alive.”

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

Diogo shrugged. Marcus was her twin. They shared a womb. He assumed that was a uniquely sacred connection. And if that connection meant she could make an exception, just one, then that at least meant the door wasn't fully closed. But Eloise didn't know the real reason why he was asking, and given the circumstances, he was fine to leave it that way.

In another life, or a past one, Diogo would've pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her, done all the comforting things expected of a friend or lover. Instead, his presence would have to suffice. He watched her carefully as she explained. He understood her frustration and the sense of betrayal she'd carried.

"You never got closure, never got to say goodbye," he said quietly, thinking about how death, so sudden and so final, had robbed him too; his parents, Charlotte, others. "How close were you when you were younger?"

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

His mere mention of her brother had been such a shock that she didn't even consider the context - or the ramifications - of his question. At least, not at first.

"What are you getting at?" she asked, brow furrowed in confusion. "I thought I told you about my vow to kill my parents. That extends to anyone who becomes a Sith. Unlike some Jedi who befriend and fall in love with Dark Siders, I don't treat genocidal murderers like they're part of a rival team in a game of huttball. "

Did he feel sorry for the Sith girl? After what she did to him? Why?

"How close were you when you were younger?"

"We were very close," she replied, thinking back to her childhood. "Whenever I felt sad or alone, he was the first person I turned to. When Daddy left and Mom got nasty, Marcus and I stuck together. I knew I could count on him."

That is, until she found out he had been lying to her. That he was complicit in their parents' horrific crimes. That he wanted to be a Sith just like them.

"Things changed between us when I learned who he really was. What he was capable of. I can't grieve him, not in the way I would grieve for you or my master or... any other good people. I mourn for the child that he was, but not that his life has ended. That might sound cold, but it's the truth. Blood ties become meaningless if they're awash in the blood of innocents."

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

"Nothing, just..." Diogo's gaze drifted off course, his lips pursed. He'd barely said anything and she'd already set off like the driest kindling. Just like he knew she would. He blinked, straightened his posture, took a deep but not too deep breath. "Yeah, no... I get it. I mean, Tapani, the Core - unforgivable."

He thought of the Sith girl, but his mind couldn't conjure her among the Convenant's war bands, couldn't picture her slaughtering innocents, couldn't imagine her blue eyes lit with murderous glee.

Diogo listened. They had been close. All that lying, the betrayal - it must have cut deep. She must've felt abandoned, like when he'd left her all those months ago. Repeating patterns, traumatic echoes.

"Do you know why?" he asked. "Did he ever try and justify it?"

Child that he was. Marcus died still a child, he thought. By Anzat standards, at least, he was basically a fetus. They all were; him, Eloise, Marcus, the Sith girl. But he kept quiet, nodding thoughtfully, pretending to understand the cold, harsh logic he once also confidently believed.

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

He kept asking about Marcus. To her surprise, talking about her twin wasn't as upsetting as she expected. The wound was still raw, but it didn't make her break down in tears the way it had with Resh. Maybe because she was talking about his faults.

"He did it because it was easier," she replied. "To keep my parents' secrets and avoid dealing with what they were doing. The truth is, my brother was a coward. It runs in the family."

After a moment's pause, she explained what she meant. "One time when he was an acolyte, my father was befriended by a Jedi Padawan. The Jedi went out of his way to try and help him get away from the Sith. He gave him a place to live, a family, a taste of normalcy. But in the end, my dad still went back to the Sith. It was too difficult for him to face his faults, atone for his sins, and become better." She shook her head. "And that was before he started eating people. It would've been less hard back then for him to redeem himself."

Even as she discussed her brother, Diogo's responses to her questions about the Sith girl kept bothering her. Something was up. She could tell that much by now. But Dio clearly wasn't willing to talk to her about it. Which she supposed was to be expected, given the state of their relationship, but... it still stung.

"You know that you can trust me, right?" she murmured after a period of silence, almost too quietly for him to hear.

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

Eloise was surprisingly stoic. Bitter resentment was there, sure, but her emotions were otherwise in check. It worried him, like maybe her heart really was too hardened.

"You seem to have avoided the cowardly family trait," he observed, lips up at the corners, trying to ease his way into his next question, which he asked after a pause. "Do you think Marcus was redeemable?"

His sensitive Anzati hearing picked up her barely audible words, the vulnerability carried in her whisper. He knew then she'd noticed his increasing reticence.

"I know," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "You think I don't trust you? Shit, I've lost count of how many times you've saved my life..."

Eloise Dinn

 

[Eloise Dinn]

“I don’t know,” she said. It was the only real answer. Nobody could know, especially not now. “Why does it matter, Dio? Do you feel guilty for killing that girl? Do you realize how many people have suffered because of her? How many more would suffer if she lived?” She was becoming exasperated with him, and not just because she could sense he was hiding something from her. “Not everyone can be redeemed!”

In fact, most weren’t. Which was why it was so special when it did happen. It was rare. That was the point she tried to get across with the story about her father. But evidently Diogo disagreed. Or maybe he just wasn’t willing to listen.

“Then why are you lying to me?” There was vehemence in her voice, but it was choked by emotion. Tears sprang to her eyes. The hurt was on display. “I’m not stupid. I can tell when you’re not being honest. Tell me the truth, damn it!”

Diogo​

 

[Diogo]

His eyes grew hard now, his eyebrows wrenched closer, his jaw clamped shut. "You know nothing about her," he said through gritted teeth. "I saw no malice, no evil, no hatred in her. Just a scared girl, unable to kill me even after I deceived her, stabbed her, tried to end her life. She didn't deserve what we did to her."

Diogo scoffed. "And why not? Why do you get to decide who can live and die? Who can and can't be redeemed?"

He stood, took a step or two away, kept his back to her so her tears didn't seize his heart strings. Head tilted back, he squeezed the bridge of his nose. After a moment's respite he turned to face her.

"The truth is, you scare me. I see more darkness in your eyes than I ever saw in that girl you killed."

Eloise Dinn