We never look back, we only look forward

[Kana Truden]

Today wasn’t the usual day for Kana. Not that any day felt very usual when you spent your free time sitting in a cell. She had still no idea how many weeks, or possibly months, that she had spent within this room. In many ways it felt inconsequential. She was there and she had good reason to stay. Even when she was granted access to go topside she tended to stay in her cell unless given a good reason to go anywhere else. It was in some ways very similar to her life on Coruscant, as a child.

Somewhere in there she had left though. Made for Alderaan, escaped Alderaan and after that found the Order. Found [member="Corvus Raaf"], still with a braid in her hair and in no way the grand master. A friendship was formed, probably the first Kana had ever truly had. In retrospect, perhaps it was a sad fact, but in the end it had all worked out for the better.

Until Ord Mirit.

These days she hardly thought on that bond. Not because she was ashamed of it or wanted to shun it, but because of the damage Kana herself had inflicted upon it. Betraying her friend, selling information on her home to the enemy. But part of rehabilitation was to let go. There was only one way to do that. Kana had to admit her wrongs, even if it would be a pain to do so.

First up, meeting Corvus.

A message was sent for her friend.

-------------------------------------------------
We need to meet. Please, come see me on Sullust.

-Kana
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Attached were the co-ordinates to Sullust, just in case Corvus had never been there. Once ready -- and inspected by [member="Jacen Voidstalker"] -- the message was sent off. The grand master had already been processed by the time she’d arrive. All things considered, Kana was just waiting at this point.

 

[Corvus Raaf]

-------------------------------------------------
In a while crocodile…

- C
-------------------------------------------------

She’d been invited there before and had never made the journey. Maybe she needed an excuse? Would there ever be a better one? She’d dashed the reply off within seconds of receiving the request. In the few moments when her mind was entirely positive. She’d chosen the words carefully. Kana would remember.

She thought of taking ryshcate. With a big file in it. She smiled at her own feeble joke. It was either that or cry.

She was no longer Head Master, so there were fewer lessons to be excused from. And flimsies to be reviewed had reduced substantially too. So she let her Padawans know she’d be away for a day or two and headed for Raven. And sitting in the pilot’s seat brought back too many memories. She glanced at the co-pilot’s seat and smiled. No jokes about crashing, no reprogramming her protocol droid. Nobody stealing ryshcate or clocking up miles in Raven when she wasn’t looking.

Every now and then a new emotion manifested itself. And she’d have to understand and deal with it. Catalogue it for future reference. Today was one such day. A bittersweet emotion. Happiness and sadness rolled into one. How does that happen? How can it even be possible?

She had no name for the feeling — but chose not to close it down but to embrace it for what it was. Natural. So as she punched in the coordinates for Sullust and handed control over to her astrodroid, she wondered what other feelings might manifest themselves. There was fear for sure. Why did Kana want to see her? To tell her she would remain Dark-sided until she died? To tell her she never wanted to see her? To taunt her?

There were other possibilities. Entirely positive ones. But she daren't consider them, for fear of jinxing the situation. Better to fear the worst and be pleasantly surprised than the other way around. Surely?

Butterflies? They were new too. An entirely odd and discomforting sensation. She held her two necklaces in her hand and stared at the one that told her where Braith was. Not nearby was the immediate answer, but it still gave a direction. Somewhere in the galaxy in…that direction, she mused. She could have done with her support right now. With her reassuring words.

But perhaps it was better this way. To face whatever she had to endure alone.

She wanted to think positive thoughts, but daren’t. Kana would remember the words. Wouldn’t she?

The trip lasted way too long. Eventually she meditated to manage the situation and finally the bleeping of an alarm told her she’d exited hyperspace and was approaching the Jedi Temple.

Finally she docked and was led to an area of the building set aside for prisoners. There was no disguising the fact. Corvus duly handed over her saber and shoto, and Dawnbringer and waited to be allowed into the cell.

Finally she was given the all clear. Her breathing was erratic and she pulled the Force to her to calm her nerves. The door opened and she stepped into the cell. Her eyes were fixed on the ground. She wanted to hear Kana’s voice before she saw her. Surely it would give a clue as how the meeting would go?

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

It was strange exactly how hard the simple phrase ‘Hello’ had become since Kana had returned to the hands of the Jedi. She used it every day, yet when it came to that first greeting between herself and estranged acquaintances and friends all she could muster was a bout of awkward silence and then,

“Hello.”

It felt so impersonal, but there was nothing else she could truly say. In front of her stood the Grand Master of the Republican Jedi Order. Now that, was a strange feeling. They had been friends once, might still be, but Kana had long since told herself that they wanted nothing to do with one another anymore. Which perhaps was a bit strange, they had known each other since they were both some mere Padawans after all.

And now here they were, a prisoner and a matriarch for a group of Jedi that Kana had once belonged to.

“You arrived.” Kana spoke up after letting the awkward silence linger for long enough. “I don’t know what you’ve heard already, or seen. I can only assume most of it is true.”

“I am locked up at my own request at this point.” Mild lie. She was encouraged, but she agreed with the others. “Undergoing rehabilitation.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Until recently, Corvus took words at face value. Logic ruled, every time. A simple hello meant nothing more than a word of greeting. No intent was sought from the two syllables. No depth of feeling considered.

But today wasn't the past. Nor was it an everyday meeting. As she stared at the ground, she desperately wanted to gain some insight from the word. She'd shut her emotions down. She didn't want to make a show of herself and wanted to be comfortable with how the conversation would progress before risking even an unconscious sense of Kana's emotions.

You arrived. Again, factual. Transactional. Cold. And what followed was no better. No more revealing. She could have checked as to why Kana was here. Not that she did. A life spent avoiding other's innermost thoughts and emotions had taught her to respect privacy. Even those potentially held against their will.

Aware she'd said nothing, and wondering if Kana felt as awkward as she did, she raised her eyes. But no further than Kana's knees. She still couldn't look at her face. Her eyes. "Rehabilitation?" Corvus couldn't help the questioning tone on her response. Not accusatory, but enquiring. Wanting understanding, not challenging.

"Um...none of my business. Sorry."

She stood there, hands by her sides. Head bowed and to a bystander, perhaps she was the prisoner here?

Perhaps she was.

"Hello." It was all she had to offer. All she trusted herself to share.

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“Yeah, like your sister when I was still on the council.” Kana spoke and scratched at her neck. “I need to come to terms with things. Make things better, so to speak.”

The former councilor looked to the spot at which Corvus was looking at. “You, uh, don’t have to look at the ground, you know. I am right here. Up here.”

“I did some bad things. Jacen told me the only way to actually move on is to face the things that scare me the most.” Kana paused. “Right now, that’s you. Or rather, your reaction to this entire mess.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Like her sister?

Was that a reflection that she was like Taeli? Or a dig at Corvus? Or simply an acknowledgement that the processes were similar?

Her eyes remained focused on Kana’s knees. Make things better? That was positive, right?

Maybe having her emotions available would be a good thing. She ought to blush as Kana called her out for staring at the ground. It would at least show she was embarrassed, which she was. There was every likelihood that instead she appeared cold and heartless. Unwilling to look at her friend.

Still her friend? Still her best friend? Hope was a strange thing. It invariably set you up for a fall. What Corvus would give to simply turn the clock back. To not have to endure the time between then and now. They’d survived one period of estrangement. Could they manage another?

“I…um…know where you are.” Her voice was calm and soft. Lacking any emotion. And the logical part of her brain was kicking her. Forcibly. So she opened up. Not fully, she could not cope with that — here of all places, given the occupants of the rooms nearby. But she allowed the filtered level free reign.

One drop hit the floor, closely followed by another. This was a bad idea. A very bad one.

Finally she looked up. Her violet eyes reddened by tears. “I don’t mean to scare you.” Her voice was breaking. “I don’t want to scare you. I just…”

By now she was sobbing and sucked in a deep breath. “Right now? Right now...I just want to hug you.”

If Kana had changed since they last met, it was fair to reflect that Corvus had too.

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“I don’t think you want to do that.” Kana frowned. “I...”

Thought approached from far and wide. Most of them about the possible outcomes of just coming clean. The look on Corvus’ face, the tears and the breaking of her voice. Kana hadn’t seen Corvus this upset since ever, at least not in a long while and that was even before this bout of darkness had gotten a hold on Kana.

“I betrayed the Order.” She admitted at last. “I was found by a Sith. Seduced and...”

“I told them all there is about Ossus.” Kana took a deep breath. “I told them every little thing that I could remember at the time, Corvus.”

They had since then contacted the Silver Sanctum Coalition about it, but that didn’t make the shame feel any less painful to bear.

“I wish I knew why, but...” Kana shook her head. “I don’t. I don’t even know who the woman I sold all the information to was, and worst is I can’t even say sorry because words can’t fix this. How do you even fix high treason? ‘Sorry’ doesn’t feel like adequate enough of a word for that.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus sensed the hesitancy in Kana’s voice. The conflict in her emotions.

“I know what I want to do. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable.” Her voice was not accusatory, but rather soothing. There was more than Corvus’ wants and needs at stake here — and she understood that. Kana was as conflicted as Corvus — probably more so.

Corvus listened. She chose not to wipe the tears away. Instead she allowed them to dry on her skin as the flow abated.

Finally, when she was sure Kana had said all she wanted, without interruption, Corvus replied.

“You made a mistake, if I can call it that. You fell to the Dark-side. Many have. So many have. And the past? You see, I have met a number of Sith and Dark-Jedi that wish to return to the light — not that I’m presuming here, but it seems a reasonable thought — and my advice is invariably the same.”

“The past is the past. What happens from now is what matters most. I cannot absolve crimes nor grant amnesty, nor make anyone feel any better about what they have done.”

“They…you, you need to say sorry to only one person. Yourself. And until you can accept the apology, I suspect you’ll be tormented. Is the why important? Or is the acceptance it was wrong and won’t be repeated the key fact here? I know what I believe. But I’m not you.”

“Until you can forgive yourself, it matters nothing what I say. But. For what it’s worth. I forgive you. If there is now truth between your heart and the Force, there is nothing more to say on the matter. Not formally. Not as Jedi to Jedi.”

“I am not standing before you as a Jedi. I am here as Corvus. The same Corvus you met on Ossus that took you at face value and wanted nothing more than to be your friend. It’s exactly the same now. Believe me. And as before, it’s a two-way thing. You need to want to be my friend too. Accept me for who I am. That’s how it works.”

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“I do.” Kana muttered. “I just-”

“I felt abandoned. I know now that it wasn’t the case, and probably never was, but I felt grief and anguish. Over Ruusan, over the things I did. Panic over what I was turning into and anxiety for what lie ahead.”

“Trust me, I want to be your friend, but I don’t know if that’s something I deserve. I betrayed you, I betrayed the Order and everyone I knew in it. I could have gotten everyone killed had it not been for me getting shot on Nar Shaddaa and later rescued by Adele I could very well have been involved in the carrying out of it as well. Not because I wanted to, but because it was the only thing I had.”

“Which is why I ran away in the first place. Away from Coruscant, away from the Sith. Away from what I was becoming.”

“Corvus, I could have started a second Ruusan right there. Caused as much pain and suffering for others as I have felt myself. I would have caused people who were weak, just like me, to fall to that side of the train tracks and a small part of me would have loved it.”

“There is no control there, no reason. You just act, you just do what feels right in the moment. I had no structure to the chaos, I just took and give when it felt appropriate and I caused enough suffering to carry with me for a lifetime.”

“I can’t just let these things go, I can’t just decide to let these people be forgotten. I need to remind myself and learn how to live with it, because otherwise their lives will have gone to waste for no good reason.”

“What I am trying to say is that I want to be your friend, and I want everything to be okay again. It might just take some time to get back to the exact same spot that we were before.”

Kana took a step towards Corvus.

“But for now,” She hesitated for a moment but eventually she wrapped her arms around Corvus. “I missed you.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus listened. It was one of her strengths. She didn’t look to jump in with her own thoughts, but instead allowed Kana to share what she needed to and allow her to finish before even looking to process the information and formulate a response.

Finally Kana was silent, her arms around Corvus and the Corellian closed her eyes and hugged her back. Silence was all that was needed for now.

“We all feel abandoned at some point. But you never were. Not where it mattered. Not in my heart. I never gave up hope. Not because I’m some romantic optimist, but because I know your heart. I know you. And sometimes that’s not enough. You need to know you before you can turn back to the Light.”

“You did what you did. We all do things we regret, but such thoughts are rarely helpful. Not repeating them? That should be your focus. Being strong, which I accept is easier said than done. You did not betray me. Maybe you made a mistake. In a moment of weakness. But that does not make you a traitor.”

“I found Melori, my little sister. Unconscious. I could have taken her into custody. But I didn’t. Do I regret the decision? No. It felt the right thing to do at the time. Hindsight is a lousy informer and should be readily ignored. It’s what you would do next that matters.”

“What truly matters is that you’re here. Speaking to me of these things. Forgive yourself and you can move forwards. And forgiving also means forgetting. If you constantly remind yourself? Then there’s no forgiveness.”

She was still embracing Kana. “We are still friends. That never changed. We just…didn’t speak for a while. We’ve been there before and we endured. We’re too tough to fail, right?”

A few tears were falling again. This time they were just as salty, but tasted of happiness. “I’m afraid I’m making your clothes damp,” she said, her voice breaking into a chuckle as she spoke. “But I just don’t care.”

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“It’s government issue anyway.” Kana cracked. “Pretty sure it just goes straight through rather than getting me all damp.”

There was an air of cluelessness in the air. Kana had no idea what she was going to do at this point. So many times had she imagined how this would all go down and each of them had a horrible ending. A few months ago they had even contained the death of one or the other with no alternate outcome. The tears weren’t too far from what she had expected, but the fact that she was forgiven just like that was.

“I, uh...” Am at a loss of words. “What... Have you been up to? Corvus?”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus laughed, her dry throat making the noise sound odd. “My robes are too — as the Senate never fails to remind me.”

Finally she released Kana and with the separation, a weight was lifted from Corvus’ shoulders. One she’d been carrying around since they last met and was clearly unaware of.

She’d not given their meeting much thought. Primarily as she didn’t want to jinx it. So now, having broken the ice, she was at a loss for what to say. How have you been seemed somewhat inappropriate. What’s the food like seemed crass. Fortunately Kana went first.

Life was often a blur. You were caught up in a flow that was unrelenting and to be put on the spot and asked what has happened since a single point in time was actually quite difficult. You could bore the other person with a blow by blow account, or skim over things and make it sound trite.

“Um…well…you know.” She smiled weakly. “Actually, you don’t know, or you wouldn’t have asked.” She put on a brave face. “Ossus fell. I was fortunately able to help it return to Jedi hands with the Silvers. I say fortunate…” her voice trailed off. “But it was heart-breaking. It’s been my home for so long. I can’t go back. Not yet. Too many memories. Too many lost friends. There was you. Kiskla. Kian hasn't been seen for so long now. Sera disappeared but recently resurfaced. Phyllis has gone exploring the galaxy.”

“So we found a new place. I can’t call it home. Not yet.”

“And I found my emotions. Oddly it took a Sith to do it, so I’m the last one to judge, believe me. It appears she was a puppet for another. It’s a very long and complex story. But she fought me and got me to explore my emotions. Allowed me to unlock them. Without turning and without comprising being a Jedi. And that was no reflection on you.” Corvus gave Kana a friendly stare. “Believe me. And the encounter made me think of many things in a different way. Some changes have been popular, others less so. Many of the Order remain true to it, but have chosen to help the galaxy in general as opposed to the Republic in particular. Oddly many have joined since this relaxation of the situation.”

“And I’ve been doing my best to help the Jedi of the galaxy see themselves as a whole, as opposed to various disparate groups. It’s a long process, but we’ve started.”

There was one more piece of news. The one thing that impacted Corvus more than anything else she said…but this moment was not the one for sharing.

“Tell me about you. The bits you feel comfortable sharing.” Given Corvus’ selective recounting, she was in no position to expect full disclosure. Not yet. Probably not ever.

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

Sera, gone. Kiskla, gone. Kian, gone. Phyllis, gone. Even if Kiskla was an obvious person on the list since Manaan, Kana couldn’t help but offer a sort of reassuring squeeze on the shoulder as the list grew slightly bigger. Turmoil in galactic politicking, Kana wasn’t unaware of the New Jedi Order and its existence alongside The Jedi Order. Now those were two confusing names if there had ever been one. Kana had been there at the starting off with the rehabilitation of Republican Sith.

And the emotions part. Kana had never seen Corvus without emotion.

The graveyard on Corellia, as distant as it felt, had been proof of that.

“This is the part where we get the band back together, right?” Kana smirked half-heartedly at her own remark. “Seraphina is safe, she’s by far too smart to do anything hasty. Well, I mean worst case, maybe, she’ll go to Coruscant and be very stupid.”

Kana tilted her head back and forth.

“Best case scenario,” She snickered. “She is just keeping herself isolated to practice her... Acrobatics, I guess?” Kana shrugged as she let go of Corvus’ shoulder. She took her seat on the prison cot, hunched much like she did as a padawan and looked up at Corvus.

“I killed people for one.” It felt odd to be so casual about it. As if admitting murder was a leisure. A shiver ran down Kana’s spine. “I want to say self-defense, but sometimes I’m just not sure about it.”

“I was...”

“Out of control. Under the illusion that each life I took would make me feel better, a step further away from being the one that the void would call for. Self-preservation pushed to bursting seams. It was intoxicating by it’s own right” Kana swallowed. “Brought me to my father.”

“I killed him.” Kana stated just as matter-of-factly as the previous admission. “And even now, I can’t feel any remorse for the man.”

Kana looked up at her friend. Her teeth gritted, her eyebrows furrowed.

“He deserved it, and I would do it again if I could.”

Head shake. Deep breaths, calm and peaceful thoughts.

“I hate that man.”

[member="Corvus Raaf"]
specialmentionfor [member="Seraphina Shel'tah"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus — even in her newly emotional state — saw death as inevitable. It had defined her friendship with VlPER and Kana too. How she’d dispassionately explained how they shouldn’t rush into a war-zone, just because their planet was under attack. She’d learned the hard way about loss and thought she was above the whole issue of attachments.

So the fact that so many had either joined the Force or loved on with their lives did not pain her particularly. Instead she regarded it as some occupational hazard. But at times that philosophy had been tested. A couple had really touched her.

And — on those occasions — she’d done what she’d typically done. Lost an element of control.Which had not been part of the plan — so she’d invariably closed them down again. Perhaps, she’d reflected recently, she’d always had the capacity to feel. But had chosen the cold-fish persona because it was easier. Perhaps she just blamed her natural abilities for her own choices?

But there was no denying she was more rounded as a person now. Other than combat, she embraced her emotions — good and bad. How they served her would be something only time would tell.

But she was shaken from her melancholy by Kana. “I’d like to think we could do that. But I wonder if turning the clock back is just wishful thinking? The future is, I suspect, troubling. The Republic is having a hard time of it. Some forced upon it and some is, I’m afraid to say, self-inflicted. Many Jedi of the Order had declared their allegiance is to the galaxy, not to one government. The Republic then accuse us of being disloyal.” She shook her head. “But we shall endure, yes? Somehow. As the Order we have now, or something new. Who knows? All I do know is that we are still on the side of good. Which is never a bad place to start, eh?”

Then the conversation got darker. Kana was…confessing? Perhaps. Explaining? Possibly. Regardless, she was letting her know what happened.

Corvus knew redemption. Wishing someone dead? It didn’t connect in her head. The past was the past. But wishing to repeat it, given the same circumstances?

So she didn’t know what to say. To speak her mind and possibly damage Kana’s rehabilitation? To bite her lip and allow the feeling to fester…to bloom into one thing and one thing only? No, not that.

“A Jedi’s first priority is to preserve life.” She said it quietly and gently sat next to Kana on the bunk. “Hatred? Deciding who lives and who dies? The man that killed my parents? If I saw him now? I couldn’t kill him. Not because he was good or innocent or deserving of mercy. But because of what he would make be become if I took his life.”

“If your father was the man you believed him to be, would you grant him the satisfaction of turning you to the Dark-side?”

She held Kana’s hand.

[member="Kana Truden"]

 

[Kana Truden]

“I already have.” Kana hissed. “Just like he wanted.”

“Do you know why he was who he was?” Kana kept her eyebrows furrowed, stare at Corvus’ nose bridge. “Imperialism.”

“I haven’t told anyone yet, but he believed I was the one to place the Trudens amongst the kinds of Palpatine. As Empress Truden.” Kana snickered in disgust. “Maybe he would have gotten what he wanted, maybe he wouldn’t. He’s dead, it doesn’t matter anymore. All I see is proof that he really never knew me and never really cared.”

“I would have done anything for the man if he had just... Asked, just been there. Instead he chose to neglect me, to let me fester in a vile pit of hate only to expect me to praise him as the Messiah for making me see ‘the light’ and carry out his will.”

“He is dead because he was insane, and in this case I am more than willing to say I had the right to decide who lives and who doesn’t. He deserved it.”

There was a hint of finality to those words. Kana had already come to terms with what happened to her father a long time ago.

[member="Corvus Raaf"]

 

[Corvus Raaf]

Corvus sighed audibly and she squeezed Kana’s hand.

“I don’t know what to say. I mean, I have lots of words…but that’s what they feel like. Just words. Phrases, quotes and maxims. Not advice. Nothing helpful or useful.”

“I am different to the Corvus you knew.” If she couldn’t say anything positive to help Kana, she owed it to her to be honest, at the very least.

“And I don’t mean the whole emotion thing. At least not in the way you’re expecting me to say. Not how almost everyone hears me explain it.”

“Silara. Darth Vitium. She had other names. I met her when I was fourteen. On a raid of some old tombs. She scared me witless…but fascinated me at the same time. She was a Sith Lord. She was…beautiful.”

Corvus carried on as if the admission was nothing out of the ordinary. “We met a few more times, typically on the battle-field, although not face to face.” She made meeting sound like a stroll in the park and not a pitched battle.

“On Kashyyyk, I sensed her. It was…odd.” She shook her head, “Anyway, we met on Prakith. We fought. Sort of. She said she loved me then laughed it off as Dun Möch. I had to oppose her, but all I wanted to do was protect her, defend her. Put my arms around her and make everything OK for her. I sensed pain and conflict.”

“Then a short while ago we met again. This time we squared off. There was a short fight and then she talked. She opened up. Declared her love for me. Except…” There were tears in Corvus’ eyes once more. “Except it wasn’t her. She was being controlled by an entity. Silara left and told me to meet her at another planet where she wanted me to end her life.”

“I went there to save her but was too late.”

“I buried her and set out to find whoever or whatever was controlling her. I found her. Braith. She was, I mean is, ten thousand years old, but spent most of that time in stasis. She’d controlled Silara after she stumbled across her casket. She’d seen me through Silara’s eyes and pursued me.”

“I tell some of this story to a good many people. They want to know why I didn’t want to kill Silara. Why I didn’t kill the sleeping Braith. She was, by all accounts, evil. But all I could see was the good in her. I loved her as much as she loved me.”

She looked into Kana’s eyes now. “She made me re-evaluate some things I thought I knew all about. Like good and evil. Braith pre-dates the Sith. There is no Light or Dark-side to her, just the Force. And she acts for good.”

“And here’s me. The Grand Master. Should I shun her because she’s not a stereotypical Light-sider? Or do I adapt my view of right and wrong with this new knowledge?”

“I did the latter. It’s what people do that is important. That’s what defines them.”

“I sense the good in you. Some of your words bother me. Some scare me if I’m honest. But you don’t. You I care about very much. You, I believe, want to do what’s right and what’s good. Just because you make a decision I would not, does not make me right and you wrong. I suggest there are many Jedi that would not accept some things I do. Like being with Braith.”

She shrugged again. “We’re a fine pair, eh?”

[member="Kana Truden"]