Under A Violet Moon

[Ra'a'mah]

"I don't know anymore. There have been a few things I have been, but the only one where I found any sense of happiness was as a merchant. Getting to travel around...almost anywhere I wanted to go. There were a few exceptions due to how those governments felt about those that followed the dark. That's why I had to hide what my calling was at the time."

​Shrugging her shoulders slightly, she gave him a real smile, even if it was still shaded in her eyes with a shard of sorrow. When Josh said that all he had wanted was a family as well and could empathize with her, she nodded.

"You still have more of a family than I do."

Tipping her head slightly to indicate the others at the party, she ​looked back at him when she finished.

"They are as much of a family as I've ever had. I have no doubt on your ability to be any of those key points you listed. I do not know what I am though. Not sure if I ever will. I am simply me."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"It's true. And I haven't said this enough - okay, I probably have, but not to me - Jason is the absolute most important part of my life. He's the only family I have... But most importantly, he's my son. I'd... Just like for him to grow up with more people he can trust, people he can go to" Josh would admit. "Nobody deserves to grow up with little to no family. It's how I grew up, and seeing as the Republic Jedi were, in hindsight, mainly just using me as a tool and I never really knew what having a family was actually like until the Silver Jedi... I know how that feels. It's not something I'd ever put on any kid, especially my son. I want what's best for him. And that something is a family. Getting to somewhat grow up like a normal boy. A happy boy."

He let out a sigh. "Just a shame that there isn't anymore family alive. Not blood anyway. But maybe someday he'll grow up with people he can trust in the Silvers. I'd be... Okay with that. I just wish his mother hadn't abandoned him too. Me... Fine. But Jason? Jason didn't do anything wrong. Jason just wants his mommy. And it kills me that I can't make that happen."

With that truth bomb out of the way, he moved onto Ra's situation.

"Well... Seems you got a lot of soul searching to do. You need to find out who Ra is, and figure out how to make that Ra... The Ra you want to be."

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

"You and i share that in how we grew up. Neither one of us with a family and used as pawns to accomplish the goals of others. You at least found family with the Silver's. I built my own with the people here tonight. They are all I have now."

He now knew why she wouldn't harm any child if there was a way to avoid it, but she couldn't imagine leaving one behind either. Some people did though. Not Josh or herself. Letting out a sigh, the only thing she could think of to do was give his hand a small squeeze.

"That's not something I could do. If I ever have my own child, I could never leave it."

The conversation left areas that were painful and full of emotion which was fine with Ra. Now the focus was on her and what she wanted to be. While she had partially answered it already, she still needed to give it some thought. Eventually it dawned on her. She was most happy as a merchant, but also one in control. Essentially what she was right now.

"Putting codes and alignment to the side...I am pretty much who I want to be. A merchant when needed, yet somebody that has some power or friends that do."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Alignments..."

It was a word he mused over for a moment. “The dark side. Perhaps that’s the one thing truly holding you back. With your history, it’s second nature to you. That’s to be expected. It's what you're used to, regardless of how often you use it or don't use it. It's part of you. It's what you'll go to when you're pushed or stressed. But that's the problem, isn't it? The dark side... It's like an addiction that later becomes a corruption. Addiction... Might be a good word for it. Addiction means being tied to something, whether through choice or otherwise, and you can't get enough, or can't get away. No matter what you do outside of it... It never goes away. You always go back to it.

Not that addictions can't be broken, of course. Ask a drunk, or someone addicted to deathsticks or other spices. But if you don't... Well, all it'll do is continue to plague you for the rest of your life, won't it? And I think this addiction, even if you don't use it as much as other ex Sith I've seen... This addiction could spell your downfall in the end. Along with hampering your ability to move forward and be who you want to be.

And besides..."

He held up a hand and electricity crackled between his fingers a moment. It was not Force Lightning. It was Electric Judgement... The light side equivalent.

"It's not like not using the dark side will leave you useless in a fight. Something the Sith won't tell you. But why would willing slaves give away their slaver?"

He shrugged his shoulders as the lightning would disappear.

"What's clear to me is that this issue with Drogh showed the extent of your addiction. You clearly can't control your use of it when you get angry. You clearly can't control yourself when you lose yourself, lose your nerves."

He shook his head in turn. "You told me you wanted to be a mother. Are those traits a mother should have? Or a risk that a mother should pose? Why do you think I was so concerned about Jason's safety? You might not do it on purpose... But the dark side isn't known for giving much choice. Because the dark side is an addiction, and the dark side is slavery. Most people would call this preachy Jedi drivel, but... I mean, you've seen it for yourself."

Releasing her hand with his free one, he would sit back down again, scratching his beard as he began to think on solutions. "Realistically, I think your direction should be considering possibly ridding yourself of this addiction. But not many in your position do, and much of that is because they decide to try and do it alone.

Hmm... Not doing it alone..."

The lightbulb.

"The Silver Jedi, they could help you I think. We are based much on healing... And almost anyone is allowed to come in and take that help. I could be biased, but... If any group out there can help you move forward and live the life you want to, free of that addiction... It's them."

Josh shrugged then.

"If you want to, anyway."

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

When he mentioned the Dark Side was what was holding her back, Ra just gave him a rather flat look. As he continued on speaking and compared it to an addiction, that look remained. Shaking her head in denial, she knew that wasn't the case with her.

"Josh, I watched what happened to my master growing up. When he died, I honestly think he realized his mistake and tried to help me. Took my memory away of growing up with him, my knowledge of the Force and everything about my life. Only thing I remembered until much later was being in an escape pod and then an orphanage on Coruscant. That's where I thought I grew up. Didn't even know I could use the Force."

Her life had been that way in reality for about five years. When she was hired by a man she only ever called, 'her captain', he had taken her in and turned her into a small merchant. Taught her how to do business and then he had been killed in front of her by some thugs. They hadn't noticed her and she had made her escape with a little girl who she took to that orphanage on Coruscant.

"Did I ever tell you how I got started being a merchant? That really too important in this conversation, but then again it is. It taught me honor."

It wasn't she was trying to deflect the conversation, but might seem that way. There was a point to it though.

"The honor he taught me, then when my memory returned of how I grew up and what I saw..."

Taking a deep breath before she continued, Ra leaned back in her seat to steeple her hands in front of her. She looked at the tips of her fingers before turning her eyes back to Josh.

"There is a difference between a child and Drogh. He's an adult and knows what he is doing. A child is still learning about life, what they can or can't do. There are far better ways to teach a child and I wouldn't hurt one. We already talked about that though. I am against slavery and do not consider myself chained any longer. Nor am I a perfect angel. As I think has been mentioned before too. Also doubt I could be a Jedi."

She didn't feel she was sick so not in need of the healing offered. It could give the two of more opportunity to see one another though.

"I will think about it."

Her tone was sincere when she spoke. Holding one of her hands out to him if he wanted it, maybe it was a sign of making deal. Nothing formal in her giving his word, but something more than words alone could say.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh was fully willing to accept that he may have misinterpreted Ra's situation, seeing as odds were he wasn't going to have all of the information anytime soon. Ra had her secrets, and he understood that. So he would nod his head and just listen for a little while as she talked about her master. Though one thing did catch his attention.

"I'm not asking you to become a Jedi" He spoke softly, with a gentle smile. "I'm simply asking you to help yourself. Despite what has happened with your Master, it's clear that these impulses are natural to you. While I do not think you would harm a child, it is very possible you may do something you might regret, just from relying on your impulses and what's there. You told me yourself you've fallen to it before, after all. That sort of thing does not just go away with age... It's something you work on. And sometimes... We all need a little bit of help."

He gave a bittersweet smile.

"Even me, for all my pride. I've grown to see as of late that I have only been hurting myself by trying to handle my problems alone. Trying to conquer my demons alone... Trying to seek what will benefit me most, by myself. So... Perhaps it is best that I begin to look at others as those who can help, comrades in arms, brothers and sisters... Friends. Perhaps with them, you will find those you need as well. I don't expect you to find family with them as I have, as they will likely seem too different from you. But... I still hope that they can help you heal. Help you be who you want to be. They won't judge you for who you are. You can walk in anytime."

She said she would think about it... He nodded his head then, and would take her hands in his own.

"I only hope that we can help you find what it is that you seek."

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

Listening to everything Josh said, she nodded. Though there might be a small sense of confusion. Mainly at his first few points. Him admitting he had been hurting himself by trying to do everything alone really hit home for her.

"All my adult life I've been alone. It wasn't until just before the fall of the Coalition that I started forming up this band of people. Since then, I've learned I don't have to do everything alone. You also helped with that even if you didn't know it. So yeah, I've learned to listen to you and others. If you think or suggest something, I take it into consideration and not just saying it to appease you."

Letting out a little breath through her nose when he mentioned his friends being too different, she couldn't help but agree.

"Everybody judges people even if they don't admit it. Very few are free from that."

Ra gave him a small smile when he mention hoping they could help her find what she was seeking. Him taking her hand again made her feel wanted even if it was only him that wanted that among his people. Without her knowing them though, she wouldn't know.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"I do think your past Dominion ties could be a problem" Josh would admit then. "There'll definitely be judgement for that, above... Pretty much everything else. But not in the sense of thinking less of you for it. There'll be distrust. And you can't blame them. The Dominion, by what I am told, turned their backs on, sold out, and hurt the Silver Jedi and it's members. Even if I doubt you were a part of that, there's going to be a stigma for a little while."

He smiled though as he squeezed her hands. "But you're a merchant, a diplomat. I think you're capable of figuring out how to get past that stigma."

Either way, it seemed she'd be trying to find her way. And if anyone was going to be able to help her do it, it would be the Silver Jedi Order.

"I think it's time we headed out, aye?"

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

She couldn't help but give Josh a half a smile when he mentioned the stigma of her former ties to the Dominion. At the time they turned on the Silver's she had been nothing more than somebody that lived under their flag. Barely even a merchant and just getting a start on her adult life. When the government went through changes and new leadership stepped forward, she had started to gain some power with them. That was when she gained the Baroness title. Then a third form of the government came up and that was when she really had gotten strong.

"The Dominion...one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. However I learned a great many things from them that I will never forget. Mainly to be very careful to who or about what I give a vow to. My mistake was vowing to stay with them until the died...that honor I have kept me tied to a faction that turned out to be a poor choice. I never went back on the word I gave them and stayed until they were destroyed. If I had broken that word, my name could have been smeared as an oath breaker and that would not have looked good for business."

Jerking her head back slightly when he equated her to a diplomat, a hand rose and waved in denial.

"Oh no, I am not a good diplomat. Businesswoman yes, but not a peacekeeper. Not the right kind of temperament...I do hope someday that stigma will go away, but I'm not going to hold my breath that it will be any time soon. It's already been there for a few years."

Tipping her head in the direction of the party, she hoped Josh would get the idea on what she meant. It seemed though they had the same thought and she nodded in answer.

"Let's go have that dance or drink."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh nodded his head in sound understanding.

"I get you. While I trust you, I don't know if my colleagues will right away, and I don't blame them for it. They haven't stayed alive this long by trusting blindly, after all. A sentiment I think you'll appreciate. But they are not unreasonable. If you can show them you are trustworthy... Then they will treat you like a sister. This comes from someone who's beared the brunt of trusting a group or people blindly and too quickly... And from someone who has been with groups that didn't look at others as family. I know family when I see it. And they are family. Family I think they could consider you if you prove they can trust to be. They are a very welcoming people. But wise, too. Cautious. As they should be."

He smiled then, at her offer to either go dance or drink.

"How about both?"

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

With her free hand, Ra made a small and slight wave motion as if to indicate something and then spoke what she meant in a quiet voice.

"Trust. I know how difficult that is to gain and how easy to loose. I've never hidden anything from you or kept secrets. It's just finding the correct timing to say things. However, if you ever want to know something, ask."

Josh had gained her trust and she had gained his. It had taken work on both their parts and she did not regret any of it. Relationships were built this way. There were ups and downs, but eventually leveled out and went on. This was one hurdle they had gotten over. She just hoped any others would be just as easy.

Returning that smile, she nodded and gave his hand a squeeze.

"Let's go then."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He smiled then, and nodded his head as he would move his head to the side and bring his cheek to her own in a slightly affectionate matter. With that, he squeezed her hand and began to make his way back out to the floor, with Ra in tow.

"Trust is built. But I'm sure ours will build in time, as it has already begun to" He would answer. He was curious as to what hurdles might be left, but... He knew deep down that the hurdles never stopped coming. A lesson he had learned the hard way already.

"Once we reach the floor, I'll let you lead the way. You know this place better than I, after all."

Letting Ra take the lead, he gave her a cheeky smile. The rest of the night was still to come.

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

-End-​