Under A Violet Moon

[Ra'a'mah]

After the encounter inside the room, Josh had left with a need to cool off. In hindsight, Ra could see there were other ways she could have reacted. Her apprentice had always been a thorn in her side and finally pushed her too far. Knowing only one way to discipline somebody though had lead to what happened.

Giving Josh the time he needed to cool down, Ra did go with him. Both silent for a while and either in thought or cooling down. When he was ready to talk, she would be there.

She assumed he would have some questions for her and she may not have all the answers.

Tonight had done one thi​ng though. They had each seen different aspects and facets of the other. Knowing a very important conversation was about to happen...she both dreaded and wanted it to happen. This was a hurdle they needed to get over and hopefully they could accomplish it together.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh was understandably upset after everything he had seen. He knew that Ra had not entirely gotten over her old tendencies and didn't expect her to, but not only was she actively training a darksider like this Drogh fellow, but was clearly not the person deep down that he thought she was. This was a woman that he had trusted with his son, taken him to her home, someone that Jason had grown attached to. Obviously, Josh was fearful for Jason's safety, and if he could trust Ra. He was also upset about the party in general, with it's host showing he was more or less just a savage pretending to play lord. He had thought better of everyone involved, and to see everyone react as they did just put him in a rough mood.

The two had retired to a room for the time being while the party toned down, and after awhile, Josh finally sat up and looked toward Ra, who had accompanied him.

"So you're still training that monster? Actively?"

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

Perfectly aware Josh was upset, she only partially understood why. She felt maybe they all overreacted to the whole situation brought on by Drogh. A man she had met many years ago and even then he was pure chaos. A small part of her had wanted to tame that chaos and set him on a path to control, but he had never allowed that to happen. Maybe after tonight he would be more open to the suggestion.

Sitting, her feet were flat on the floor and she indicated through her body language she wanted to talk. She rested her chin on one of her hands as she waited for Josh to break the tense silence between them. When he did, she started to shake her head slightly.

"I would hardly call what I have done to with him as training. He hasn't learned a thing in all the time he has been my apprentice. Unless you call pushing my buttons a special skill."

Letting out ​a sigh, she leaned forward and folded her hands to look at him.

"There really has been very little training involved. He's usually just spitting something similar in my direction that you saw tonight. He took it too far and well, you saw what happened. Drogh is just so chaotic, the wild card of the people I know and probably a mistake to have taken as an apprentice."

Everything she said was​ true and her feelings were out in the open about Drogh. Her observations, but not what she was going to do. That part was still unclear to her.

"I don't trust him enough to ever invite him to Vjun. He's only been there once and then he ran off again and returned to his slums on Coruscant. Horrible place that is. Make Bast look like paradise."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]​

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

The Jedi let out a sigh once she finished, as he would look toward her.

"I guess... I just made the mistake of thinking you weren't like the Sith. That you left because you weren't like them... That you weren't aft to do what they do. You indicated that, and I believed you. So maybe that was my fault."

Josh would scratch his head, biting his lip as he tried to formulate the words.

"I guess I just expected different. What else about you that I got from you isn't what I thought it was? I don't know anymore. I'm afraid of what will happen in the future, not just with me, but with my son, who enjoys your company. Could you lose your temper and act out the next time I bring Jason around? Is Jason safe around you? Am I? As for training him... I guess I just thought you gave that sort of thing up, which was also stupid of me. I thought you were done training monsters like him to get stronger and hurt people. I guess I... I thought you were better than that.

But... That's my fault. I had a mistaken impression of who you were and I shouldn't be upset at you just because it's not the same as what I'd thought. That's my fault. And I'm sorry for acting out based off that. I had no right."

Josh probably wasn't speaking the most sugar-coated or gently right now, but he'd been only completely honest with Ra their entire time they had known each other. It would be a disrespect to her to sugarcoat or be dishonest with her now. But he realized he was more mad at himself than he was at her.

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

The past made them who they were so for him to assume Ra was no longer even partially where he had found her, he was mistaken, He was right about something though. The way she reacted was out of how she would have normally. Maybe it had been the drink or the people around them that had brought it on,

Giving him the time he needed while she formed her own words to reply with, Ra gave him a disbelieving look when he suggested she would harm Jason. To even think she would allow that to happen to a child was beyond what she could imagine. That did not take into consideration Jason was his son. She just would not stand for that. Yet she held her tongue to allow him to finish.

When he apologized she looked at him for a moment, nodded and let out a sigh of her own.

"I shouldn't have acted like that, Josh. You know what I came from though, what I was. Drogh is not of them though, he is chaos. And one I can not control or tame. Maybe after tonight he will have learned his lesson though...I'm not holding my breath though."

Letting out a little breath of humor from her nose, she would now address his other concerns.

"I gave you my word no harm would ever come to Jason from me. You have your fears and concerns for him, but my word is something I stand by and will go to my grave keeping it.

"As for the rest. What do you expect from a former sith that plays a merchant and leads these people? I am no angel, Josh. Nor am I Sith or Jedi. In fact, I still do not know what I am...But I do know who I want to be with."

That was all she said on her feelings. To admit she might love him would be a weakness and Ra was not weak.Unless Josh pressed further onto that point, she would fall silent for a moment or two as her words took her own voice away from her.

"I am sorry Josh. But I do not know what you expected of me. I'll admit I could have done better. There has never been anything I have kept hidden or secret from you. Many things have just never come up in conversation.What do you want of me? Ask me anything and I will answer. I want..."

Letting out another sigh she fell silent and made a simple gesture at Josh. Hopefully its meaning would be far greater than any word she could say.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

The Jedi fell silent as she spoke. She was right, on some points. "The fault lies on me for seeing you in a certain light and then being upset when you weren't entirely that person. That is not your fault. But it does make me wonder what else I have been wrong about, which I hope you can forgive me as being the reason why I would fear for Jason. Jason is all I have left. And I will do everything in my power to protect him, I will put him over anything and everyone else. Nothing and nobody is more important than Jason and his safety."

He took a breath to meet her eyes.

"I knew you were no angel. I don't know what I expected. The woman that I've grown to know was a woman with a kind heart who wouldn't hurt others if she didn't need to. But I've forgotten, it seems, where you came from. I've forgotten where you were brought up. That's on me."

He wasn't entirely sure why he was as upset as he was for her, himself. Suppose it was possible that he'd fallen for her himself, and now was surprised and hurt when she wasn't entirely the same woman he had grown to fall for. But he didn't know for sure. Why was he so concerned with having Jason around her? How hard was it to just not bring Jason around her? He didn't usually for people that he didn't trust with him already. But for her, it was different, like he really, really wanted her to be someone Jason could be around.

"I guess what I want to know is why you continue to train that monster. Why you continue to train in these ways like this. I thought you better than this. I was wrong, but... I'm just curious, now. You know what these people will do with that power. They will go out in the world and they will destroy lives, destroy families. And you know by experience they do not care if they harm man, woman or child. To be perfectly honest with you, the thing that scares me the most... Is that you can sleep at night knowing that. Because you walked with Jason and I to that park, and I didn't see a woman who would be able to sleep at night knowing she might be responsible for the destruction of a family and was continuing to actively raise that risk. I saw a woman who looked very comfortable, someone who maybe one day might have a child of her own and would fit into the role like a glove.

It completely betrays the woman I just saw.

Let me ask you a question regarding the kind of people that give people like him power, Ra... What if one day, years from now... The family that monster destroys is yours? What if the child that monster takes is yours? And you know that somewhere out there, someone enabled that? Someone gave them the means and sleeps comfortably knowing that? Because I am a teacher... And I know full well that with the tools I give my students, what they do... Is on me."

Was it a test, what he was asking? Was he perhaps trying to see if he wasn't entirely wrong about Ra? Or was he trying to give her perspective on her actions? Maybe a bit of both?

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

Nevermind that she did not fully meet the expectations he had built up around, but what he said after truly came as a shock to her. What she had started as a quest to train one person in control had opened up a whole new can of beans. Luckily the woman was already sitting or she would have needed to.

Her own thoughts and expectations she had when training Drogh did not include the details of what he might or might not do. She never imagined him to have the drive to do or become anything. Yet he was a danger and Josh brought that to her attention. Something she had been blind to having known Drogh for so long, she assumed his hate was only directed at her.

Anything she could think of to say sounded poor even in her own mind, so Ra remained silent. Until he started questioning her. Shoving aside whatever she had been going to say, she would focus on the answers to those questions only. Taking out anything previously in her mind, she listened very calmly to Josh.

She felt he was wrong about something and that might be the old sith in her.

"No, it is not on the teacher what a student does with the skills taught. It is on the person that decides to use them. What he knows is only what he already knew before we met. There is nothing I have given but his life. I didn't kill him when I had the chance. Would you rather I have killed him for being what he is? You stopped me from harming tonight, Josh. Yes, I lashed out in anger at him, but he needed discipline. What better way to do it than in a way I already know?"

Ra was not just going to let Drogh go. He was the kind of person Josh feared for Jason's sake. It had take it being pointed out to her for her to see it though.

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

He had already stated completely he was being unreasonable, he had already taken fault. That was all he could do there. He listened to Ra's response though, and took a deep breath as he would allow a moment, a pause, while he considered her answer so he could formulate his own.

"You claim you have taught him nothing, yet he is your apprentice. What is the purpose of this apprenticeship then, if not to give him power as he like most of his kind seeks?" He would question. "Because all I saw back there was a monster that just wants to hurt people. And who clearly has no qualms about doing you harm. He is a Sith in all but name, by what I saw. What is it he is trying to get from you? What is it you are trying to gain from him? What are you trying to impart on him?

And perhaps it's true that the one who uses the skill is the one who is responsible... But you look at him and you know the lengths he will go to in order to hurt someone, and are still deciding to give him something. If that something happens to be power - whether you plan to give it or not, you haven't made clear yet - would you not be responsible if he uses it for ill? If you willingly did it while you knew it would happen? That would make you an accomplice.

What exactly is the terms of this apprenticeship? What is he? I don't understand any of this. Just sparing one's life does not make one your student, does it?"

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

"Every time I have attempted to train him, he just spits the same type of bile at me that you saw today. Nothing has ever been accomplished. I wanted to teach him control. That is a failure. I don't know if that's on me or in him. Maybe both."

This was another eye opening conversation with him. Something that so rarely happened for her. It was needed though and Ra was not going to just walk away. They needed this. What she had seen in Drogh was different that what Josh did, that was clear. However, what Josh pointed out, she had not thought of.

"I was trying to give him power only over himself. But I also gave him my word to help him accomplish something. And I can't go back on my word. It would reflect badly on me to do that. At my heart, I am a businesswoman, Josh and my words means everything."

Like she had given her word to him that no harm would come to Jason. Looking at it from a business aspect, what she said was true. Maybe it was the wrong way to approach this, but it was one she understood. Turning it into this light, she started to nod.

"If he was an employee of mine, he would have been fired and let go a long time ago. I wasn't going to kill him out there, by the way. Just punish. Let him know he had finally pushed me too far. So this sort of begs...how do I cut ties with him?"

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Josh listened to what Ra had to say. She wanted to help him have control over himself, but had apparently accomplished nothing. He wasn't sure how to react to it. Sure, it was admirable enough, trying to make a difference in the man's life... But she also knew that the man was cruel, and that was clear in his constantly targeting her. It felt like he was taking advantage of her, in a way. And anything she might teach him might just be used to hurt others, and deep down, odds were she knew this. Perhaps that was something he should bring up...

"Did you ever think maybe he's taking advantage of you, and this apprenticeship?" He inquired. "He doesn't seem to consider you his mentor at all... Just a target. But he knows you won't kill him. That's clear. If he thought you'd kill him, he'd never push you this far. I don't think he cares at all about control, by what I've seen... I think he just sees you as an easy target to victimize. Which in turn means... You'll likely never get anywhere with him.

It may be that it's not him, exactly, that's the issue... Maybe it's you."

He let that idea sink in for a moment. Perhaps Ra was the one he'd thought she was... Just misguided on this matter. It was worth investigating into. But Josh had pretty much already shifted into "help" mode, as he tended to. A side that Ra would find familiar, as this was one that he had taken the day they had met. This was the same man as before doing the same thing as that day.

"Maybe it's time to cut those ties, yes... Not just for his sake, but your own. I do not have full context on the situation but... This does not seem to be benefiting either of you. Maybe the way to cut ties with him... Would be to, and I abhor this idea but... Turn him over to Vulpesen and ask him to take over in what you intend for him. By what he said, he would not be difficult to sway on the idea. But it appears that if you still wish to help him learn control, help him be better and maybe not hurt people as he is... I'm no Sith, but it looks as though one needs a heavier hand with him. One that you are clearly not capable of without considerable prompting. He does not fear you. He does not respect you. He can easily be made to fear Vulpesen... And that may be what he needs."

The Jedi let out a sigh.

"Not the most ideal or humane thing, but... I don't think humane is going to get through to him, by what I saw. I think his salvation is beyond you. And I think he's bringing out the worst in you in turn. You two are not healthy for each other. That's my observation. Do with it as you think is best."

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

"A relationship, master and apprentice goes both ways does it not? So maybe he is taking advantage of me, but again, I have him doing work for me that I am unable to do on my own. Well, one thing is clear, I'm too soft on him."

​What she said fell in line to a degree with what Josh did. As she listened to him, she could tell there was a change. Same as the day they had met. He wasn't mad at her any longer, which was good and she needed to hear what he had to say. His outside viewpoint was something that came in handy today.

He admitted he didn't know all the details, but could only base what he said on what he had seen not long ago. She relaxed and almost let a sigh of relief as he spoke. Not quite smiling at his suggestion, she did like the thought of it.

"I don't think even Vulps can change him. It's something Drogh needs to do himself or not at all. I do agree with you though. I just don't know how. I also hate giving up on something. As for him bringing out the worst in me? There are aspects of that in everybody, Josh. I'm not an exception. I will talk to Vulps on this though. After they have their...whatever it is in two days. Fair?"

She wasn't after Drogh's salvation though. Josh was wrong about that, but she wasn't sure if that needed to be pointed out or not. Deciding it was, she shook her head slightly.

"I'm not trying to give him that. Just control. He learns control and so much more opens to him. Who knows, maybe some sort of catalyst will happen to him and that change can come about without my help. Humane or not, Vulps would be better for him."

Something else came to her mind and Ra did feel it needed pointing out.

"Thank you, Josh. ​You may not know why, but that's okay. I think you can figure it out though."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]​

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"Labor is easy to come by. But this relationship is clearly toxic for you both" He spoke once she had given an idea of what was going on. "But even if Vulpesen can't truly finish it off, then he can probably move him forward where you cannot. But as it is, he is hurting you and you are hurting him. Nothing is getting done" The Jedi would point out calmly, yet firmly.

She wanted to give him control. Control, salvation, wasn't that the same thing? He needed aid and she tried to give it, despite him clearly not even bothering to try to run with it and only just wanting to hurt Ra in turn. And she was unable to put the fear in him to make him be able to realize his folly. Vulpesen would need to do that. And perhaps another trainer would need to continue from there. What was clear was that Ra was not capable of helping Drogh as he is.

Josh took a deep breath and gingerly took Ra's hands in his.

"Look... You've been amazing with Jason and I, and I appreciate that. I just... Wanted to continue to see you as the wonderful woman you've been. Maybe that's why I overreacted, I don't know. But any way I can help you with this, you have me."

At that, he considered what could be done next.

"I do think you and Drogh need to be separated. At least for now. You two are damaging each other until further notice, and it would take you becoming someone you are clearly not to truly, consistently, put the fear in him to make him understand the situation he's in, and shape up to help himself. You can't do that. And I would ask you not to do that. That's not who you are. You've made that clear to me."

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

"Labor wasn't exactly the kind of work...but we'll go with that"

She wasn't entirely sure what missions he sent his padawans on, so had nothing to compare what she did with Drogh. Letting out an almost defeated sigh, Josh had won in a way. A way to pass Drogh off, separate the two of them and then somehow cut ties...at least for now needed to be done.

"I would assume you of all people know that everybody has different aspects to their personality. You do. As do I."

Letting out a small breath through her nose, she looked over at him.

"There is nothing in this world that would cause me to treat Jason like that. I can tell you the reasons if you want. Some should be pretty obvious, but others not so much."

The thought that she would do any violence to a child was beyond her.

"I might have been sith at one time, but I was never evil enough to hurt children. There are still times when I'm not sure what I am. I am just me and I can't be anything other than that. Good and bad, but not evil...never that."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

"That doesn't take away from the fact that he is poisoning your mind and bringing out your own toxicity with his" Josh pointed out. "Toxic creates toxic, and he is creating toxic within you. And seemingly toxic that you have been trying to keep out and move past. Which means he is impeding progress, and by the looks of it, is enjoying every moment that he impedes your progress" The Jedi would add. "You meanwhile, are impeding him from control. He will not learn control while he sees an easy target. You are providing that easy target. He needs to be away from someone he can manipulate."

A bit harsh? Maybe. But it needed to be said. But he wouldn't hammer the point anymore, Ra seemed fairly amenable to the idea. At the least, it served as a reminder of why she should stay away for a little while. It would, hopefully, help make this choice a little easier and allow her to handle it without regrets.

"Oh?" He inquired when she said she had reasons for why she would never harm a child. "And why is that?"

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

The decision for Drogh had pretty much been decided on and she would speak to Vulps on it later. And then Josh asked what was probably going to be one of the most painful questions Ra had to answer for her life. Why she wouldn't harm a child.

She took a gulp, looked away and her eyes grew distant. They still face each other and Josh would clearly see how she felt even if she did not look at him.

Attempting to start more than once, the how to answer and what words to use were just as difficult to put together. Eventually she just sighed, looked at him for a moment and away again.

"This was more than a lifetime ago for me it feels, but this is what happened. My master sent me on a mission to kill a married couple that were putting together a rebellion against him. So that is what I did. I had no knowledge they had a child. When I left their house, this boy came home to find his parents dead."

Even now, this upset her and it really did need to be said to him. Pausing in her words, the memory flashed through her mind and she broke a little. There were tears in her eyes.

"I couldn't stand the sound of his cries of anguish and I killed him too. Along with the friend he had come home with."

Looking up at him now ready to meet his eyes, there was pain and sorrow all across her.

"That day changed me Josh and I vowed then I would never intentionally harm a child. It was only to myself, but I will die before I do that."

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

Ra's story was... Difficult to hear, to say the least. He knew that she was a Sith. He knew that she'd likely done some horrible things in the past. But to hear her say that, to hear the Ra he knew now talk about killing a pair of parents, and then kill two children? It was difficult. Even as the tears began to roll from her, he didn't know what to say. The Jedi closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He couldn't really comfort her in this instance, could he? Not without seeming like a hypocrite. He couldn't tell her it wasn't her fault, because it was. He couldn't say it was okay because it wasn't, she had done something horrible and half of it was because of her own emotions. She had taken life and done so selfishly.

All he could think to do was ask a question that came to mind.

"You sound like you were never truly meant to be a Sith to begin with" He would admit. "You'd figure they'd have seen that sooner and tried to kill you far before they did. Though I don't understand why you stayed as long as you did when you knew that was the sort of thing they would make you do. You knew they'd make you kill more parents, destroy more families, no? When Sith turn on their own kind, generally the victim if they survive will remain and seek revenge... Meaning you left by choice. But you indicated before you could not do that. You joined because it was join or die... But yet you still made the choice to leave, but far later than it could have been. Why is that?"

Perhaps it wasn't the best time to ask these questions. But... Ra gave him the impression that she needed to really look into herself and see who she was, and why she did what she did. Perhaps this was best for her, to know the truth and know who Ra really was. She wanted to know her path... All he could do was help her search.

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

"I was hardly more than a child myself. Twelve, maybe thirteen. That doesn't excuse what I did Josh and I know this now. At that age I had only known my master. Growing up on a no name world, I didn't even know what a sith was. My master and I only stayed on this small world. He raised me as essentially a Bainite and there were just the two of us. There were no others that could use the Force and he trained me until he died. Then my mind was wiped of everything that happened...for several years I thought I had grown up an orphan on Coruscant. Then Star discovered me and eventually I learned, I think, what my life had been."

She didn't want the sympathy from him. What Ra had done at that age was terrible and she had to live with those ghosts since.

"After I learned that I had grown up sith...that was when the current Empire approached me and gave me that ultimatum. Between the time my master died and when the sith came to me, I was a simple merchant. It's a boring life, but I'm not in danger there. I want a life that is balanced."

It seemed maybe he had the timing of her life confused. Hopefully now he may have a clearer understanding of things. How she had grown up, why she joined the sith as an adult and...as she thought about it, he may not know why she even left.

"For a few years I actually was only a member of them, but I never did the conquest or destruction they do. I plied my merchant trade and was fine. It wasn't until they attacked my own government that finally told me, I wasn't meant to be with them."

With a tiny motion of her head at him and a shadow of a smile, Ra let out another breath through her nose.

"A conversation or two also helped."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

At the least, he had a little more clarity on the situation, and understood her viewpoint a little more. It had been a case of ignorance, unknowing, isolation. And having to slowly learn on her own, along with the inevitable betrayal from those who would take advantage of her, the reality of the matter. At the least, it made more sense. The Jedi would nod his head then, and take a deep breath. He looked her in the eyes, and squeezed her hands.

"So tell me" He spoke. "Tell me what kind of person you want Ra to be.

And then tell me how you intend to make that happen."

It was a simple question, albeit perhaps a difficult one to answer. But it had been what he had been trying to lead into. Directly addressing Ra's path. Helping her search for that path. To find out who Ra was, and who Ra was going to be working to be. Perhaps he could give her some suggestions, when he had more information...

[member="Riamah"]

 

[Ra'a'mah]

After she finished speaking, Josh nodded and took a breath. Seemingly comprehending what she had just said. Even if the actions couldn't be forgiven...there was far more understanding. He did not ask for any further clarification on her past and she visibly relaxed. Though there was still a shadow of that sorrow and pain she had to remember.

Then he asked what she kind of person she wanted to be. Returning the squeeze of her own, she shook her head slightly and was silent as she considered her answer. Many things crossed her mind, but none of them were right. Not once did she think of trying to lie to him or hide anything from him. Her answer was also not something she was just going feed him to get him to leave her alone. This came straight from the heart.

"I want to the kind of person that is accepted for who she is."

Letting out a​ single and humorless laugh, she shook her head before speaking again.

"How to accomplish that, I have no idea."

​Her face grew rather wistful and she wore a simple, but real smile. She also looked directly at him.

"When the time is right, I want to have a family."

[member="Josh DragonsFlame"]

 

[Josh Dragovalor]

“Well... Then who is Ra?” Josh would ask with a light, amused chuckle escaping him in turn as he squeezed her hand again. “A Ra that would like a family... I can emphasize with that. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, after all” He would reveal.

“I had it. For a few years. And spent time trying to locate any remaining family members. In the end... My only remaining relatives are dead, one of which is my fault... And what I did have for family is gone. It’s... Just Jason and I now. But... We keep at it. Maybe one day that family will grow again.”

He smiled lightly. “I don’t think I’m done having kids, after all. I’d like another or so before I stop. But that’ll be for the wife to decide. If I ever settle down again. Shmi destroyed my confidence in my capabilities as a husband and father... Whether her fault or mine, I still don’t know. But at the least I know who I am.

And that’s a man who loves his duties. As a husband, at one point... As a Jedi... As a teacher... As a friend... As a father.

And just like that, I summed up Josh. Easy peasey, right? So, who is Ra? Who is this Ra you want people to accept you for being?”