Truth and Pride and Other Fragile Things

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]"I didn't get my face beat in!"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She protested.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Just everything else. Though you did kick me that one time.. In the interest of my future modeling career, my face is now off-limits. In case you get concerned about humility levels in the future."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She was pleased about the modeling comment though, and that he'd noticed her wardrobe at all, she'd been starting to worry.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"What these old things?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She removed her arms from the rail to do a little model twirl. This was again, not something she would generally do. Dignity was a large part of her public persona but she just wanted.. what? His approval. Affection. The infrequent half smile. Anything. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"These are work clothes. I do have the wardrobe for it though."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Her eyes danced as she considered the wardrobe in question. Perhaps she could wear something more risqué for him next time? What she currently had on was positively conservative for her but she hadn't wanted him to think less of her than he must already. Because what he thought mattered and she didn’t know why and didn't really know how to deal with it.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]She played the game well, he'd give her that. That certainly wasn't an 'old' thing, other than the fact it might be, maybe, last seasons. Which he doubted. She was vain, it was obvious. She wouldn't wear anything old.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]A deflection.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It amused him. Vaguely. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"People model 'work' clothes all the time. We call them models."[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] She was probably the only businesswoman who'd wear something quite like this. The last few heads of state that were women he'd seen were Ashin and Cira. Ashin usually wore armor, which was generally considered modest to the point of hyperbole.[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] Cira wore... well, 'work' clothes. Pencil skirts and blouses. Professional? Nothing even remotely revealing, that was for sure. But both of them stood opposite the personality spectrum from the Twi'lek before him.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Is that what you wanted?"[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] He asks suddenly. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"To know about farming?"[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]Deer in the headlights was a good description of the micro-expression on her face before she got it at least moderately under control again. Oh gods. How did she answer this? Truth? Lie? Half-truth? Change topic?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She turned to grip the railing, as if it could anchor her, save her from being adrift in these unknown and likely shark-filled waters. She was fairly certain if she lied he would know, and then he would leave. But what if she told the truth and he still left? That would be much worse.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"I did need to know about farming.. I just.."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She paused, courage faltering. She bit her lip and closed her eyes fora moment before continuing in a smaller voice.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"I just wanted it to be from you."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]Yeah, she hadn't expected the question. Pushing off the railing, he moved back a little to look up into the light polluted sky. No stars here, not with all the everything going on. He believed her. Not like she'd made up the datapad.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]That was definitely something she needed help with. You couldn't fake that level of inexperience.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]But why him, of all people?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Did he still have -that- effect on women? Was that it? Blinking slowly, he came up behind her, one arm wrapping slowly around her waist. He was definitely teasing her. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"Addicted already?"[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It wasn't the boast of a proud man, flaunting his masculinity. It wasn't even him poking fun at her for wanting him to be around more. No, this was the question of a man who'd seen this road end badly one too many times before.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]The great ball of uncertainty and fear she'd been carrying around for the last little while loosened slightly. He hadn't left. He hadn't left, he was actually wrapping an arm around her. But from what he said next perhaps he was only still there because he didn't understand. That might be for the best or it might not. Still, if she wasn't allowed to be arrogant neither was he dammit.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She looked back at him and wrinkled her nose. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"I'm not complaining, I wouldn't say no to a repeat performance but.."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She shrugged.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"You're the only person who doesn't believe me. I mean I would have preferred for you to not call my bullchit in front of hundreds of people with your fists but.. You're the only real person I know."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]"I didn't say you were complaining." [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]He retorts dryly, pulling her back into his chest. It wouldn't be comfortable but what did he care. Something about the power of just... pulling a woman in and having them fawn over him made him feel something for a few seconds.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It was never fulfilling though, really.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Satisfying, but not fulfilling. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"You don't know any real people? They're all walking around with masks on?"[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]A pleased noise escaped her as he pulled her against him. Being jabbed by armour was no more comfortable than it had been before, but it was his armour. Didn't they call it iron skin or some such? It was part of him, and his body was beneath it. For him she would deal with armour. Stretching upwards she touched the bottom of his jaw with the tip of her nose before dropping back down.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She cocked her head slightly as she listened to his question. Smart ass.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"They're all criminals, so yes. Sometimes literally. Or Sith, but they are bastards and do not count as people."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]That wasn't entirely fair. She liked some of the other Ravens, and would even trust them for a given amount of trust, but honour among thieves wasn't the same as honour anywhere else.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]"I don't work with criminals, so I wouldn't know. Although I imagine there's criminals who would admit to being willing to rob you blind. Which is about the same thing as being real for them." [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]There was a faint noise from the back of his throat.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Outlaws were a peculiar breed. Half were doing it because they were stupid and couldn't accomplish anything else. The other half did it because they were smart and wanted a proper challenge they couldn't get elsewhere.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He liked neither. The smart ones, however, were at least personable. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"Sith deserve to be eradicated. That's about it."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]"If I could afford to end this damned alliance with the Sith.."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She growled slightly at that. She didn't see any way she could, not yet in any case. The Sith kept the Mandalorians at bay. To end the Sith Alliance was to have both the Sith and the Mandalorians gunning for the Ravens, who in all honesty could stand against neither. They would be counting entirely upon the Republic to act as a buffer, an obstacle the other groups would need to break through first, and since the Republic was not particularly keen on criminals either.. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]This courtship business was not going particularly well. It was hard. Was it this hard for men? At the very least he was actually a good sounding board, and forced her to think about things in way she wouldn't usually.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Was it possible with Cryax in retirement to come to some sort of understanding with the Mandalorians? The problem with trying was that they seemed by and large like the sort of people who instead of just saying no might decide to shoot you in the face. She quite liked her face. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It might still be worth looking into.. At least finding out about current leadership below the Mand'alor..[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]"You can afford to do what you will. Sith won't be showing up to do anything, and I'm sure the Mandalorians - if they come knocking - won't be able to properly organize themselves."[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] There was a faint shrug of his shoulders, other arm coming to join the first.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Why did he do this? Why did he get so affectionate without the feeling behind it? His eyes closed, and he gave a faint exhalation through his nose that was almost a sigh.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"I'm not sure where your problems lay, or why, but I do know that you'll never find an answer if you don't ask for one."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]She glanced up at him as he spoke. Could it be so? Could the other factions really be so busy fighting with each other and themselves that the Ravens would just be left alone in their corner of the Galaxy? She considered this. Approaching it from many angles. She wanted to just accept that it was so, because it would align with the persona she'd made for the Ravens. Act as if you were untouchable, do as you please. But she wasn't. He had proven that. Still if.. if the lesson had been to be aware of her own lie rather than to destroy it.. Then this could be possible.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Her hands came up to rest on his armoured arms almost without thinking. She froze at the next part though. Was this.. was this in regards to the farming and the Sith and the Mandalorians or? It probably wasn't was it? He did have that terrible tendency to just pull everything she wanted hidden out into the open.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Fingers tapped a pseudo-rhythm on his gauntlets. She couldn't. She just. Could not. She took a deep breath.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Qa nie dan laboo san ar bee? Cea dan badelis jirut sei sorka vil guo dan ohk ji gue turnk bo nolsenata oo xean? Cea Do si'lewata dan? Vil tohso qa iniban vei dan baelan, vea dan cahsinark, yeu nolee oo ji neo. Aku, Do ohk a vlenu'a vil dei ohk a foh bo foroe, a nol vorkunan. Qa fic Do ar tlabark dan? Gue cea y volka, vil dan cahsinark cay bo cea eih. Do go toyi tak toe dan vil ohk bee koa. Do go toyi. Do ohk si'jovi'asi. Do dor Do toc lliyu'a vil distombe, kay Do ohk go. Cea y ohsid vahs Do ohk, vil eti ohsid go kuces. Do ktan cea y, Do waud.. Do waud karau ar xaivrehan eti ohsid a'an. Waud toe a eoh tau..."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]There. He likely did not speak Ryl and most of the important emphasis was lost int he strictly spoken version anyway. No one could say she'd been entirely a coward. She'd said it. If he didn't understand, that was hardly her fault.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Would you kiss me?"[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]He could all but feel her stiffen against him, and his attention remained on the cityscape around them, however. But her next words, whatever they were, spoke to something she couldn't say in Basic. Whatever it was she wanted to say.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]But what she said next confused him.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]That's not what he'd been referencing. He was referencing the Mandalorians and the Sith, and how you couldn't know how they'd handle changing diplomacy until you brought it up. Tentatively, of course.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Nothing good came of 'I'm thinking of dropping you like it's hot.'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]His head tilted. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"I'm not expert in your tongue, but I don't think that was a direct translation."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]"It was.. it was pretty close. We take a long time to say things in Ryl. Not much else to do on a desert planet you know? Except sandstorm. Our word for that is much shorter than yours. It's less a word and more a terrified expression. It's very expedient."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'What do you want me to say? That you tore down my world and now you are the only point of stability in it? That I need you? And then what happens when you leave, which you will, everyone leaves in the end. Besides, I am a criminal and you are an honourable once leader. What have I to offer you? Only this body, and you will tire of that one day. I cannot ask for you and be told no. I cannot. I'm sorry. I wish I was braver and stronger, but I am not. This is all I am, and it is not enough. I know this, I just.. I just want to pretend it is otherwise. Just for a little bit..'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]'Would you kiss me?'[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Practically the exact same thing.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]There came a very slow nod from the man. Would he kiss her? No. Did he want to...? Not really. He could have sex with her easily, but there was just something about the intimacy of a kiss that turned him off.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Turned him away.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It was a connection he couldn't have. It made little sense that he could be inside someone and not consider that close. But a kiss? That was crossing a line.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]His brows furrowed faintly. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"I don't think I can. I can't play that game again."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]Was this a nightmare? It was suddenly hard to breathe. She felt slightly ill, and could feel her eyes beginning to burn. He had put his arms around her. He had done that. That had been his choice. She had not touched him first. She had never touched him first.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]You knew this would happen. You knew.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She closed her eyes and blew out her breathe in a slow steady stream. Willing her body to relax. To be calm. To be back under her control. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]You are not worthy of him. He told you as much. That you sullied what you touched. Why would he want that? It is not fair to ask it of him.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She swallowed.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He was always going to leave. Better it be now.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She raised her hands from his arms, so it would be easier for him to let go and move away. Easier for him to leave and get on with his life. When she spoke her voice was calm, controlled. Perfectly controlled.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"As you wish. I was not playing a game, but if you were, and you no longer wish to, this is your decision and I will respect it."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]His hold tightened on her, although not to a painful degree. To call him a conflicted man was putting it lightly.[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] "No, I was not. Nor do I particularly think you were."[/SIZE][SIZE=10pt] He says quietly, brow furrowed. Not that she was seeing it in that moment.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"But you've reacted how most women I've met reacted to me. And I can't keep reacting to that reaction the same way. In times past, I'd have kissed you, we'd have probably made love, and things would be perfect."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"For you."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Again, honesty. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"I haven't felt much though for years, and so I'm not going to burden you with a world of lies. I won't do it. I'm not going to let you think what you want to think when I can tell you otherwise."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"It wouldn't be fair."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He sighed. [/SIZE][SIZE=10pt]"Perhaps one day I will be able to kiss you. But right now, I would be hurting you more than helping by doing that."[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]How would things be perfect. Did he truly think her such a simple creature that sex was enough? Sex was.. nice certainly. Sex was what she settled for because she could not achieve intimacy. Because she could not connect. It did not mean that she didn't want to. It was what she had to offer, because she had very little else to give of herself aside from her body. It wasn't perfect. It was torture. A taste of what she could not have. Idiots and civilians got to fall in love and have their own happy endings by the millions every damned day and she.. could not.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]And there was that word, that concept that she stayed away from because it threatened to destroy everything. When he said he wouldn't let her think what she wanted to think when he could tell her otherwise it was clear he was speaking about the idea of him having feelings for her. As if she didn't know that. She had never been enough. Never. Not for her family. Not at the Dance Hall until she'd been trained to be graceful and polite and charming. To put on the mask that showed people exactly what they wanted to see. But not herself. Never herself. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She had clung to him, as something solid and unshakeable when he destroyed those masks. When he left her as only herself. Why would she believe for a moment that he too would not see that she was lacking?[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]She might have been a fool, but she was not an idiot.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]His perhaps' were cast aside. He had kissed her before. When he had wanted something of her. When her body had been enough. Why would the rules suddenly change now? Obviously he had tired of her even more quickly than she had thought. No wonder he had been so quick to anger earlier. He likely had only come because he felt obligated to after offering. She would know better than to trespass on his time again.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Your consideration for my feelings is noted, thank you. I would not wish for you to feel the need to pretend something that was not so."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The masks got heavy after all. Let the next one she made encase her thoroughly. Insulate and isolate her from the Galaxy. And if she was crushed by the weight of it and only the shell was left, good. So much the better.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]There came a heavy inhale, and then a lengthy exhale. He knew when to leave well enough alone. He'd broken something in the last few minutes, something important. An answer to a question was all it took.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]His honesty, directness, his downfall.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He was the maker of his own unhappiness, and in doing so he made others unhappy too. In doing so, without realizing it, he was confirming the way he was acting was the proper way to act. If he continued to not feel, or at least so he thought, then he would be able to avoid this kind of situation in the future.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He would be able to stop himself the next time.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]But it would be a fools errand. He wouldn't be able to stop himself. A frown creased his lips and he released her, going to pick up his helmet and set it back onto his head.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It was back to what he'd been doing before. Handling his business, alone. Perhaps that had been his mistake all along. Thinking that at any point he shouldn't be alone. He'd glassed an entire world. Consigned it to death.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He'd crashed a Star Destroyer onto the surface of Dromund Kaas filled to the brim with Supercommandos who supported a Sith Coup to change Emperors to one who would bring peace; an Emperor, or Empress as it went, who would bring peace.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]The Mandalorians would continue. His people would survive.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]But somewhere along the line... he had not.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Closing his eyes, taking a deep breath, he knew her words were hollow. Just as his actions had been. No, he thought as he took his leave of the meeting room. Better to go back to hiding away from others.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Maybe then he would stop ruining lives. Maybe.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]It was a vain hope.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]He was leaving. Good. Fine. She had a criminal empire to run. As he put on helmet and turned to leave she spoke again. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]"Thank you for your assistance in the matter of Far Pando. Your help was appreciated. Credits will be transferred to your account to compensate you for your time."[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]That was what a proper Crime Lord would do. Handle business. She took a step forward to grasp the railing again. Her voice was even. He would walk out now and he need never know that she'd been weak enough to cry. No one would see the tears running silently down her face. And no one would see them again.[/SIZE]

 

[Chiasa Kritivaas]

[SIZE=10pt]There was a part of him that wanted to stay. To turn around, wrap her up, brush his cheek against hers and let her know that she was fine. She was special. She was a woman who, while uncertain, had great things ahead.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]But there was another part of him who wasn't entirely convinced that was real.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]That the other part of him was wrong. That it was toying with another person. He was real to the point of fault. He second guessed everything he did that was tied to emotion. Or connection. Or anything not physically related.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]A muted nod was her response, and he'd spend the next few weeks in a funk, second guessing himself further. He stopped at the lift, pulling his helmet off to rub at his forehead. Apologize. Don't apologize.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]He couldn't make up his mind. Instead, he simply rested his forehead against the wall while waiting for the lift to make the trip up. If her spies stayed around for even a few days longer - not that he knew they were around - they'd no doubt tell her of a man who seemed a bit sluggish. Perhaps despondent. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]Who wasn't wholly himself.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=10pt]And he did this to himself endlessly.[/SIZE]