Private To Live And Roam Free

[Asha Sar'andor]

The journey to Tribunal Station had been rather quiet; Asha had wanted to give the boy his space.​

​

When her ship docked within the relevant hangar she made her way through Pilgrim and waited by the boarding ramp. When he didn't come out of his room, she pressed a button which linked her up to the ship's intercom, and called for him. After some time he'd emerged, and together they ventured out into the hangar, and then the station at large. It wasn't too far from there to the section of the ship specifically set aside for members of the Je'daii Order, their own utopia.​

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Inputting a code at the end of a short hallway, the room beyond opened up to them. It was welcoming and warm, a mixture of natural textures and materials that helped to ground it within the surroundings which were visible beyond the glass on the opposing wall. Though they were in space, even from here it felt as though they were peering out over a verdant world, a real world, not a ship's garden. She gave him time to adjust to the entrance room, before passing through it and leading him into the garden itself. It was large, though the projections certainly made it seem larger, filled with trees and plants from all corners of the Galaxy, water features, places to sit and think. And the sky was simulated, it would change depending on the time and it even featured something akin to weather. The watering of the plants mimicked rainfall, and even the skies would become overcast and darken during such a time.​

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Asha had spent so much of her time in this place. She'd even slept out here, among the 'stars' which shone overhead at night. At peace...​

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"We do have a bedroom set up for you, you may make use of it should you like. There's a mess hall too... And other amenities. You can make use of it all. Or you can stay in here, if you'd like. I can make sure you have everything you need so that you don't have to leave until you feel ready."​

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She turned toward him, after making the reveal, and tried to gage his reaction.​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

After a voyage spent in silence and an equally quiet transferral to Tribunal Station, it was strangely fitting that the first thoughts to emerge from Kai’s brain were, <It’s not real.>

Well, some of it was. Many of the trees and plants hummed with the Force, the surest sign of their being true to life. But the infinite landscape and the blue skies stretching out beyond the lobby were an illusion, crafted by the clever placement of projectors and highly detailed holograms. His Doppelganger eyes told him that much.

Asha gave him options. He endeavored to express his gratitude, but chose not to stay in the facsimile of nature. <I’ll take the bedroom.>

Glancing back at him wouldn’t tell her much. His visage was like the clay head of a figurine made by a child. It had all the necessary features, eyes and nose and mouth and ears, but none of the individual details that made a person unique—and consequently, none of the expressiveness of a true human face.

That might change soon, but not quite yet. Not until he was more comfortable with his surroundings and the people around him.

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

"No?" she breathed, as he formed a conclusion in just three short words, "The most important parts are, I'd argue. The grass beneath our feet, the towering trees, and delicate flora. There's life here that would not typically be found among durasteel hulls."​

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Of course Asha understood what he meant, this was as much the set of a play as he'd been feigning an actor in. A façade. But one, at least, she hoped he'd find some comfort in as she had. There were plenty of places he could find privacy within it, and this region of the Station was so quiet, so isolated, that the likelihood of him being interrupted here was slim. Even Asha was more often gone from the Station than present, though she'd be lying if she tried to claim this was not her go-to place when she was here.​

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"I've slept out here before, you know? It's easy to forget that the edges are just projections. It... It all comes to life."​

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Either way he made his decision; he wanted a room of his own, and so she nodded her head.​

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"Come then, it's just back out the way we came. But know that you may come here no matter the time of day. I'll leave you the access codes, okay?"​

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True to her word, she turned and led him back out first into the foyer, and then to the hallway beyond. The dormitories for Je'daii passengers were clearly kept close by, a self-contained region of the ship which housed all that they could possibly need. Their own mess, refreshers, lounge, etc. Of course the greater station was open to them too, at least the public parts. So too would Just Ander have free roam of it all.​

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"If there's anything you need, you may contact me at any time. Even if you just maybe want someone to talk to..."​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

For a minute it sounded like Asha was mustering up the beginnings of an argument, but her protests died off without putting up much of a fight. Kai—er, Just Ander—was glad. He didn’t like to argue with people, especially not his host. Someone else might’ve been offended when he pointed out the artificiality of the habitat, but Asha was not. Or at least, she wasn’t offended to the point of giving him grief over it.

She gave him the access codes for the habitat and informed him he could visit it any time he wished, then led the way to his quarters. It was a small dormitory, with two beds in one room, though the other seemed mercifully unoccupied at the moment.

Just Ander surveyed the living space, taking note of the placement of the mess hall, ‘freshers, and lounge. Then, stepping over the threshold of his new quarters, he turned to Asha. <Thank you for your hospitality,> he said, and closed the door between them. The lock clicked, a clear indication that he wanted to be left alone.

It would be a few hours before he re-emerged from his room. During that time, he would receive news of Iris Arani ‘s injuries at Cato Neimoidia. The door suddenly unlocked and slid open.

He endeavored not to be seen as he made his way to the mess, walking on silent feet. The boy appeared agitated, body poised like a cat expecting something to jump out at him. After reaching the mess, he acquired a tray piled with an astounding amount of food, then did his best to make it back to his room without interruption—though how successful he would be remained to be seen.

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

He wanted his space, that much was obvious even with how gracious he was being in stating as much. Asha bowed her head deeply, and once the door was closed she stood there for just a moment longer. Then... She walked away.​

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She knew better than to openly prod or pry, to push one into deciding to talk. So she'd give him time. Instead she retreated back toward the gardens, back to that veritable utopia among the stars, and therein sank to her knees and bowed her head.​

​

Calling upon the Force, she allowed it to wash over her. Asked it for strength and peace of mind, to help her see the way forward, to remind her to be gentle and calm, and act without haste.​

​

She fell into a deep state of meditation.​

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How long she was lost within the throws of it, within a mind devoid of thought, she did not know. The tranquility she found there was reinvigorating and in many ways addictive, and she could lose entire days if she was not careful.​

​

Then all at once something roused her from it. Not an entity in close proximity, or a vision that was often want to shake her from her dreams, but a sensation deep within her gut.​

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A grief that was not her own.​

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She rose once the initial haze wore off, and began to venture back through the halls. Some small inclining as to what it was had made itself known, or at least where it was centered around, and as she approached his room once more she found herself unintentionally intercepting her guest as he tried to squirrel away food within his dorm.​

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Asha opened the door for him, so that he could find his way back inside without risk of dropping the tray. This time she held it open though.​

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"I sensed a disturbance," she explained, her expression softening as she regarded him. "Would you like to talk?"​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai froze at the sound of Asha’s voice. Despite his best efforts at stealth, he’d been noticed. Or perhaps she simply wanted to talk to him about something perfectly mundane, and this was all just a coincidence…

But no. She’d sensed a disturbance, and it had come from him.

<It’s not really any of your business,> he said, wanting in that moment to fight her off. To demand solitude, that he be left alone to wallow in his guilt.

But he wasn’t here for that. That wasn’t part of the deal. Besides, she was his host.

<I got a message from a stranger. Someone I once considered a friend was badly hurt in a battle she had no business being in.> And he hadn’t been there to protect her. Quite the contrary, before he left he had hurt her in ways that might not heal as easily as flesh and bone could mend. <Is that the disturbance you sensed?>

Watch her say she just heard him rummaging around for food, and he'd spilled his guts for nothing.

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

She allowed him his outburst, taking it with the grace afforded to her from years of well hewn patience; the truth soon floated to the top.​

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Affording him a little bit of the privacy he clearly sought, she stepped into the room and felt the door close behind her. She remained as close to that door as she could, imposing herself as little as she possibly could into his space. Were it up to her they'd have this conversation elsewhere, perhaps back out in the garden, but it had not gone that way so needs must.​

​

"I believe it to be, yes," she stated, with a small nod of her head, "If that is what has caused you such anguish. And... It is understandable that it would have."​

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Validating the feelings of another was never an easy feat, not because she didn't mean it but because more often than not it wasn't accepted by the other. They saw it as sarcasm, or insincere, or something of the sort. Pushed back against it. She hoped that would not be the case here.​

​

"I sense your worry, I sense your guilt; you are not to blame for whatever transpired, Ander. That is first and foremost what you need to understand. Secondly, if you wish to contact this individual I can set you up in a holo-conference room." A brief pause, before she considered all of the emotions she had felt, both from him and within that disturbance itself. "Or, I can arrange for a call to ensure that your friend is well despite the circumstances, if that would be preferred. If you do not feel ready yet to reach out yourself."​

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Would it be too much right now, for him to do it? Asha couldn't say... He seemed adaptable, but barely any time had passed at all since they'd met back on S'krrr. Barely any time at all. Making a habit of holding another's hand too much would be bad for their development, but there was also such a thing as knowing precisely when such was necessary. This fell firmly within the ballpark of the latter.​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

He simply stood there. Stood and listened, though nothing she said struck him as particularly profound, helpful, or even necessarily truthful. He knew, deep down, that if he had been on Cato Neimoidia, he could have prevented her injury. His body was made of elastic tissue; he could have caught her before she was thrown from the train—

Asha mentioned that there was a room he could use to make a holocall to Iris. He closed his eyes at the thought of it—no, he couldn’t even think about it. What would he even say to her? Was he going to stand there with his erasable board, like he had in the Temple library during the Tython conference, and write out an apology for all that he had done?

I’M SORRY I WASN’T THERE FOR YOU

I’M SORRY I BROKE YOUR HEART

I’M SORRY

I’M SORRY

Asha offered to call and inquire on his behalf. Try as he might, he could see no other alternative, aside from text messaging or holomail. He opened his eyes.

<If you could contact Master Valery Noble of the New Jedi Order, and ask her about her Padawan Iris Arani, I would be very grateful.> Not that his gratitude was worth much.

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

The boy remained tumultuous; that was to be expected.​

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"I will do so, but first... Perhaps you ought to come with me."​

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Asha waited a moment, in case he balked at the idea, and then turned and opened the door once more. With any luck he would follow, maybe sheer curiosity would be the driving factor, or maybe the fact she'd requested it of him. Either way she'd try and lead him down the hall and back toward the gardens.​

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She hadn't intended on intervening quite so soon after his arrival, she had been hoping to give him time to settle, to recalibrate himself, to figure out what it was he wanted to do going forward. But if he carried on this way, with what little she could glean from him persisting, he'd eat himself from the inside and leave only a hollow shell in his wake.​

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And what then?​

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Nothing.​

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No. Provided he followed, she'd lead him into the gardens...​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

Asha bid him follow her, though she didn’t say why. He hesitated, glancing longingly at the closed door to his quarters. He’d much rather have hidden himself away…

With a sigh, he raised his tray and swallowed all of the food it contained. Then he set the tray aside and followed her into the gardens.

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

He followed her. Reluctantly, but he still did... Good. That was... Good, right?​

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She'd never felt this conflicted around another before. Like she was on eggshells or something. Another slow inhale, and she banished her fears from the forefront of her mind. She could tackle them later.​

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Instead she led him to a point in the garden which was a little more closed off than the rest, with bushes and trees around to obscure them, and sank into a seated position. She crossed her legs, and indicated for him to do the same.​

​

For a moment her eyes turned a little glassy, a faraway look entering her as she signaled to another entity in the distance to bring her something specific. Then she looked to Ander.​

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"Talk to me," she instructed, before hastily changing her tone. "Please. I can sense your remorse, your guilt. You feel as though you could have stopped it? Whatever it was that happened?" A pause so he could clarify, or explain, or whatever, then she sighed. "I know firsthand how finnicky the future is, there are a hundred thousand different strands weaving their way forth from any one moment in time, I have seen them, I have walked them. What we do in the moment, in any moment, alters the natural path... And because of this, it is easy to get caught up in cause and effect, in blaming oneself for what was done, or what wasn't."​

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At some point as she spoke, a small droid sidled up beside them and deposited a couple of items by Asha's knee. A teapot was the most obvious among them. One which she took, and placed on the ground between them. While she spoke she set about adding tealeaves to the holder on top, and then poured over water warmed by her own touch to the perfect temperature. She didn't even look at it as she acted, it was all instinct at this point, deeply woven into every fiber of her being.​

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She could have done it in her sleep. Part of her did not doubt that she had.​

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"The simple fact of the matter is, Ander, there's no way to not affect those strands. And there's no way to know that doing the opposite would not also lead to a similar fate. I used to think I could change it, the past, the future, but to what end? Say you had been there, to stop it from happening, or say you'd somehow convinced her to not be there at all... What then? What if something else had happened instead? To her, to you, to others? What if's, Ander... They're dangerous to get caught up in."​

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None of what she'd said was particularly comforting, she knew, in fact maybe it was quite the opposite. Asha did her best to make sure her interactions with others were fruitful in some way, beneficial, and she wasn't sure she'd hit the mark this time. It was a truth she'd had to share, though.​

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Because she'd lost years of her own life to wondering what else she could have done to avoid calamity.​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

He followed her through the trees and undergrowth to a spot that was screened from view by bushes. There she sat down on the ground, instructing him to do the same.

Thinking of old friends did more to unravel the false identity of Just Ander he had only begun to create than anything else. By the time he sat down on the grass beside her, his face had filled in the rest of the details, and Kai Bamarri, as he had been on Coruscant, knelt on the ground. He was a teenager, perhaps sixteen or seventeen years old, with androgynous features gathered from both male and female faces around him. A librarian's nose; a sensualist's mouth; the high, proud cheekbones of a Viceroy's daughter; the flinty black brows of a vigilante; the all-forgiving blue eyes of a Padawan, and the prematurely white hair of a Knight. More recently, a violet ring had appeared around his pupils, a trait he shared with Iris.

He could not hide who he was anymore, though the face at least was unfamiliar to Asha.

"Talk to me. Please. I can sense your remorse, your guilt. You feel as though you could have stopped it? Whatever it was that happened?"

Kai stared at her. <Yes. I could have prevented it, or been there to catch her, or at least been there for her when she was injured. But now I can't.>

The limitation was self-imposed. He knew Iris would eagerly accept his return, but he could not allow that to happen. Couldn't let her accept a broken thing. Not until something in him changed, the brokenness mended. How he would do that, he didn't know, but he was here to find out.

Asha spoke of the finnicky future, and how it couldn't be controlled any more than the past could be changed. Kai set his jaw, biting his tongue as it were, until she was finished.

<I don't understand why you feel the need to lecture me about this,> he replied at last. <Or to try and reassure me that it isn't my fault. I know what I did, why I did it, and that it was a mistake. I'm learning now the cost of my mistakes. I know there's no way to change what happened, or to influence fate. The only way forward for me is to make up for it somehow. But I won't give up my guilt and regret until then, so don't try to take it from me.>

He was surprised by the passion in his own words. None of it was meant to hurt pr insult her. He had no reason to want to do her harm—after all, they'd only just met. But he really didn't understand what her goal was. Was this all just misdirected empathy? Did she feel sorry for him, and simply want to ease his suffering? Did she not realize that he needed this pain if he was to grow beyond it?

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

His words gave the woman pause, and she inclined her head some in response to hearing them.​

​

"No, you're right," she retorted, as the scent of steeped tea wafted up between them; for now she left the teapot where it sat. "I apologize, I should not be trying to dictate your grieving process. I... I simply do not wish to see you succumb to it, as I once did."​

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But it wasn't her place to decide for him. Only he knew what would have to be done in order to remove the guilt he was feeling, however misplaced it might have been. For a moment she fell silent afterward, not wishing to press the subject further. Then she remembered the tea, and set about fixing them both a cup.​

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Both the blend itself, and the effects of the teacup, led to something of a calming effect in those who partook of it. Her Vur Tepe trial... How long ago that seemed to have been now. So many of the ones she'd known and loved from that time in her life were gone now. Some of them had passed, others had sought their own way in life. Asha was the last of that group to remain, and it felt strange to realize as much.​

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She sipped from her teacup, and was grateful for how it felt going down. ​

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Arlo Renard ​

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai was immune to most poisons, viruses, and diseases. Narcotics, stimulants, and other drugs had no effect on him. He drank the tea she offered him because he was thirsty, but it did not calm him even in a passive way. His body would not allow it.

<I'll have to find something,> he said, his telepathy like a voice on the wind. <A task, or a journey, or a mission I must complete to redeem myself. To balance everything out again...>

The cup empty, he hugged his knees to his chest. Right now he didn't feel brave enough to embark on any quest, not even to wipe away the stain of shame. He thought only of Iris.

Asha Hex​

 

[Asha Sar'andor]

There was enough tea in the pot that each of them could be afforded a couple of cups full, and ever the conscious host Asha made it her job to refill his cup when it sat empty in the grass once more. She had been doing as much for as long as she could remember, first for simply herself and her Father, and then Sargon, and other guests, and Je'daii, and... Yes. This was her go to.​

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"The time will come where you will find yourself tested in some way, and what form that takes is frankly up to you. I have faith that you will find the redemption you seek, Ander. And in the meantime... Do try not to be too idle, won't you? Keep busy, it might do you more good than you'd imagine."​

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Arlo Renard ​