Private To Be Virtuous | Aeris

[Auteme]

“There is no other way of guarding one’s self against flattery than by letting men understand that they will not offend you by speaking the truth; but when every one can tell you the truth, you lose their respect.”
Aeris Lashiec ​

Auteme wondered if that was the longest she’d ever spent without going into a library in her life.

It wasn’t as though she hadn’t been studying -- learning more about her fellow Senators, Epoch and its Senator, and the myriad of pressing political and social issues on Coruscant. She needed to be prepared. But, none of that needed the library. Prior to that it’d been the inquest, the meetings, Korriban. Auteme hadn’t touched a paper page in a month. It almost terrified her.

Almost.

She’d known for some time that the loquacious librarian, Aeris, was far more well-read than she was. The fact that Aeris had picked a task that would send her into the Temple Archives didn’t surprise Auteme. It’d been two days since their meeting as a Circle, and doubtless Aeris had studied well… unless, of course, she’d decided now was the time to dip into her personal reading stack. Auteme wouldn’t blame her.

Nonetheless she came bearing gifts; first, for the Archives, her old copy of The Prince. Lucien had borrowed it as well -- if he hadn’t, there wouldn’t have been any fraying on the spine, something Auteme apologized profusely for. Her other gift was a potted plant, a selab tree sapling.

She found Aeris in one of the private study rooms, surrounded by books Auteme might once have found comfortable, but now seemed stacked in a most daunting manner. Still she entered, placing the pot on the desk, then finding herself a seat nearby.

"You look like you're having fun."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

“Looks can be, uh, deceiving.” Aeris said, her eyes firmly on the rows of text in her book before she shook her head. “I am a woman of objective truths and these texts are nothing but lies, deception, and treachery, every single thing that I oppose.”

The book closed and she discarded it to put it on her desk. Upon seeing the state of ‘The Prince’ she quickly ran a hand over the spine with a disgruntled look at Auteme. This was no way to treat a book, and why was it crusty? Were those crumbles that poured from its pages? She flared her nose for a moment, lips pushed to the side as she slid it aside. Another tome in need of a new cover then.

“I have been refreshing my memory of Sheev Palpatine again. His corruption of not just the young Anakin Skywalker but also the Republic as a whole.” Her shoulders rolled as she discarded the thought and stood from her seat. “I suppose I should be learning something about how taking things for granted is bad, but all it is doing is affirming my belief that we should be separating from the damned Alliance to begin with.”

Yeah, no, Aeris had not been shy about mentioning that in the last few days.

“I know I bring this up, and you people keep trying to sell me on the points, but I just cannot see a scenario in all of this where their grave will become ours to share when they inevitably collapse.”

Apathy was death. Worse than death, because at least a rotting corpse could feed the beasts and insects.

Funny how even the Sith had some wisdom to share. A long sigh parted her lips as Aeris glanced back up at Auteme again.

“Sorry, I have been made aware that perhaps I am taking my duty as Circle member a bit too seriously. Working on it.” She said as a smile began to spread on her lips. “What can I help you with, Auteme?”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"Oh, nothing much," she said. "I just wanted to check in, I know all the studying can get lonely at times. So-" she nudged the selab tree closer, "I brought you a friend, for whenever you need a break."

She smiled.

"I'm actually, ah- trying to, you know, take my duty as a member of the Circle a bit more seriously. With everything going on, part of that means... being honest with myself, and- clearing out a few responsibilities. One of which, I was... sort of hoping to pass along to you, if it's not too much trouble.

"It's just... more reading, essentially, and it's hardly something time-consuming, if you don't want it to be- I just thought I should offer it to you."

She waved her hand around. "There's some secrecy stuff, but like, I trust you, so even if you don't take it up, it's whatever. But I'm just- you know, if you don't want to hear it, you can tell me. Now. Yeah."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

Aeris did like plants and vegetation, this much was true. Her eyebrow rose as Auteme pushed the Selab tree closer with a curious look. Selab trees, trees of wisdom, however, was not something she expected Auteme to just hand over. She knew of these and what they did. Her fingers grabbed at the pot as she began to spin it around on her desk, only giving Auteme half of her attention.

“Not a fan of secrecy, no.” Aeris said as her brows furrowed. “But, this tree is a sufficient bribe to at the very least get my attention for it.”

“Tell me more, Auteme.”

“Oh and, straighten your back! Less stuttering and stammering, girl!”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"It's just the way I talk!" she squeaked. "Look- sometimes- the people I'm talking to are like, from a holoflick. It's like dialogue, not talking. Maybe it's a Jedi thing. When you know you could probably, like, come out on top in a stabbing contest with most people. Anyways."

She did sit up, scooting her chair forward a touch. "There's an organization I'm a part of called-" she gave the selab tree's pot a tap, "The Order of the Selab. That's, ah, probably a good enough indicator of what it's about."

Selab trees were well-known symbols of wisdom, even supposedly able to increase the intelligence of the elderly -- though, Auteme wasn't nearly old enough to test that theory. "It's a secret society dedicated to the preservation of knowledge. It's mostly underground, but- lots of members, many of whom are prominent scholars or Jedi. Romi Jade, Coren Starchaser, Jend-Ro Quill- who happens to be the one who brought me in- and, of course there's me." She gave a joking hair-flip.

"There aren't too many rules, and the main goal is the preservation of knowledge -- of course, there's nothing about keeping that knowledge secret. So, if you think any of your findings would be useful to others, you're free to share them, so long as it's not revealing the Order's existence or stores of knowledge- which I thought you'd probably want to spend a bit of time poking around," she said, grinning. "The Order maintains a few libraries, storehouses, the like; plus, with all the connections, you can probably get every library card in the known galaxy.

"On the other hand, it's also very autonomous, so it won't much interrupt your work if you don't want it to."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

Well, there was a word for ‘knowing you could probably, like, come out on top in a stabbing contest’, and that word was ‘confidence.’ Aeris felt her warm smile tug at the corner of her mouth for a second as Auteme explained herself. Though it quickly faded as she went on to explain the actual meaning of the tree.

It was an invitation? Her brow rose, her face scrunched into a confused mess as she looked around the room for a moment as if expecting to find a camera.

“I thought—” Aeris started before she snickered at the whole thing. “Okay, I— I thought the secrecy was the whole ‘pretend you are me’ part that you came in here with.” A deep sigh of relief and Aeris leaned back in her seat. “Of course I would like to join this cause. I corresponded with Jend-Ro a while ago and he always struck me as one of the good ones. Rebellious to a fault, maybe, but one of the good ones.”

She continued to examine the tree before she gave Auteme another look.

“Well, you sold me with the free library card.” She said and shook her head. “What was the other part of why you wanted to meet me?”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"Well- the whole pretend-you-are-me bit. Just thought it'd be best to prepare you, with, you know, the means to do so." A final gift -- she produced a small device from her bag, a means to disguise Aeris, already loaded with all the necessary data to simulate Auteme's appearance. "You won't really need to do anything, just- I don't know, take a walk near the Temple's entrance every few hours, to make sure they know you're here. I'm trying to keep things on the down-low."

Secret expeditions were definitely down-low material. "I'll be gone a few days. If anyone tries to reach you- me- in person, turn them away. All of my more official duties have been put off, so no one should come looking, but yeah.

"Aside from that..." She shrugged. "I don't know. I just- sometimes I worry I'm being a poor friend. I've been less patient, more tired. With everything, I just- I can't remember the last time I got angry at someone, much less had an outburst like that. I feel like I should apologize, but then I remember the feeling, and it was like I'd- not that I'd crossed a line, more like I'd leapt a hurdle."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

“No, I understand.” Aeris quietly assured Auteme. “I too feel like I have not done what could have been expected of me. Saan’an was a bit of a surprise that I am unsure how to handle. I never really had a master, and… Well, maybe that ties into just about everything as of late.”

“Do you know why I have nothing but disdain for our ties to the Alliance?” Aeris asked, but it was really more of a hypothetical question than anything in case Auteme wanted to get a second to butt in. “Because I have spent all of my life running from the repercussions such a relationship has when it comes crashing down.”

“As a child, infant really, I was inducted into the Jedi Order of the Republic. I have no memories of it other than fear and confusion as it transitioned from one aspect of government to the other to try and save itself as the One Sith pounded it to the ground. As the masters who were supposed to look out for us slowly dwindled down to knights who dwindled down to anyone who had not yet died in the wars, I realized even as a child that there was something there that pulled us into the grave. Of course, I was too young to see the whole image at the time.”

“During parts of my formative years, I lived as an outlaw, a refugee that quietly went from planet to planet alongside a group of friend who slowly lost faith in our cause until it was just me, a fellow padawan, and a bunch of younglings.” Aeris sighed and rubbed at her eyebrows “We found love, then we lost that love, because this very fear allowed them to be turned against me by Sith who managed to track us down.”

“Eventually I found the ‘Old Alliance’ and I thought that maybe here things would be different. And for a while it was.” She shook her head. “But then the First Order began to get the upper hand, and right as things seemed like they could not get worse we were betrayed by the sister of someone I had looked up to as a child.”

“Every time that I thought I had found a home that could stand the test of time, it was torn down by its ties to a government it had sworn itself to protect and work alongside.” Aeris said, though the pain was kept beneath her skin. “I hate the Alliance now because I know where this is going to take us, and I know that when it fails, so will our Order no matter how much I try to stop it.”

“For as much as peace is a core tenet of the Jedi faith, it’s starting to feel like the inevitability of entropy should have some sort of spot in there as well.”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"That sounds really traumatic." She knew the basics about the history of the previous Galactic Alliance, but she'd never really asked Aeris about specifics during that time. Auteme's formative years had been perfect and peaceful in retrospect.

"I understand your... apprehension, but for me, I've- I mean, I've thought of myself as a Jedi for a long time, but never in isolation. I'm a citizen of the Galactic Alliance, of the galaxy. I'm a person, then I'm a Jedi. Things can end, even the Jedi, but I've never thought of it as my own end. I'd just find another place to do things."

She tapped her chin. "But I understand. I do. I mean- you know, inevitable heat death of the universe, death of everyone you've ever known, meaninglessness of all things -- in my thoughts daily. And you had it worse than I did. Still, it's a terrible thought. Cycles of history, that's- terrible.

"When I- back a few years ago, I was really struggling with self-esteem, given, you know, Ryv was both way better than me, and had just dumped me for a way cooler girl, and all the other people around me were, like, amazing Jedi out being heroes and fighting the Sith. What got me out was the thought that it didn't really matter, weirdly. Like, I didn't need to compare myself to others, I could just do good things and be satisfied with that. Others still mattered, though -- even if things are gone, you're still around to remember them, and that's not nothing.

"Things are more complicated now, but in the end I still believe in that. If things fall apart, I could just go someplace else." She shrugged. "We're not at the end of all things yet, so even if the Alliance falls, there's still stuff for us to do. And if you hate the end, well, shouldn't you do everything in your power to stop it, change it? It's never the same. If it is, well- you're the scholar. Learn history, as to not repeat it, that sort of thing. Seems like you know the history pretty well."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

It was traumatic with a capital T, and the very long chain of events that made it hard for Aeris to not consider herself anything but a Jedi first and foremost. Home after home lost to one enemy or the other, blame pushed for one disaster after the other, seeing the faithful turn to the evils they swore to hold back. It would have taken a miracle for someone to not break under that pressure, and Aeris was by no means any different. In times of crisis she had a hard time accepting the evil in people, her naivete was bordering on delusional at times, and failing that she held her own life in little to no esteem.

People died, that was what they did. At this point it was all about ensuring that the lessons taught in one order weren't lost for the next. Perhaps it was a bit of a morbid way to ‘learn from history’ as Auteme had so succinctly put it, but it was one of the patterns Aeris had certainly noticed.

“I always found strength in knowing that my sacrifices mean nothing in the grand scale of things.” Aeris agreed with a slow nod. “For example, in the end the Jedi and Sith will be united again and perfect balance will be achieved, even if it takes the heat death of the universe to get there.”

“And then there is the knowledge that our souls are eternal whereas our bodies are not. The Netherworld Crisis proved that much, and our ability as Jedi to become one with the force again is further proof.”

“I guess what I find comfort is knowing that no matter what I do, death is a certainty. That means that there really is no reason to fear it.”

Aeris quickly chuckled and shook her head. “But I don’t think you came by just to talk about the morbid nature of our own existence, did you?”

“What else do you have on your mind?”

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

She opened her mouth to speak, before her expression turned to a sort of amused annoyance. "Wow. I totally feel like you're trying to get rid of me right now. Can't I disturb my friends with existentialist stuff, then be thoroughly floored by intense ideas about the expansion of the meaning of life because of the Force?"

Yeah. Sometimes Aeris threw things at Auteme that would keep her up at night.

"But yes. I almost forgot- I'd been planning to give you access to, ah, another few books, and a few other things.

"I was lucky enough to have a few touches of input on the design of the Prosperity, and- dibs on my room. In short, I made a secret back room, for when I needed a bit of privacy, or, you know, I felt like I wanted to search up something weird, and didn't want to leave the history on one of the Archives's computers. I haven't been there in a good while, what with everything going on here, and I have a feeling- well, that I won't get around to clearing my shelves anytime soon.

"So," she said, producing a sheet of paper with a number of handwritten instructions, "I thought I'd give you access, in case you were ever onboard, and wanted to spice things up in your reading list, I've got a few 'antiques' in there, and some scientific equipment. Plus- I always found it a nice little challenge, getting inside in the first place."

Auteme handed Aeris the sheet.

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

“Hey, sorry about brushing you off.” Aeris began and rubbed at her neck. “That was not my intention.”

Aeris’s gaze averted in embarrassment for a second. She had certainly not tried to make it seem like she wanted Auteme gone. Life was just complicated as it was, to throw in a daily dose of nihilistic pessimism would do neither of them well.

She grabbed the sheet when it was offered and gave it a look.

“Okay, woah there, hold up.” Aeris squinted at Auteme. “Those trackers in the archives are there for good reason.”

Yeah, the rest basically fell on deaf ears. The sheet was placed on the table before her as Aeris rose in her seat.

“Auteme, what the actual kark? Those are there to protect you, you cannot just circumvent them.” Oh gods, the librarian came out. “What kind of research would you do that made you not want to leave a trail in the archive records?!”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"I-I was joking." Auteme was once more reminded that she was terrible at joking. Maybe it was all to show how different her and Aeris still were.

The next question made her cheeks redden slightly. She wasn't ready to brush things off with a joke, so instead she stammered through a response. "I-it's a privacy thing, I-I- I was just trying to figure out how t- because I'd nev- and Luc- it's just a feature! I didn't- there's nothing bad. It's just a thing. It's just- a thing."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Blink blink.

“Oh.” Aeris mouthed in surprise before she slowly took her seat again. Deep breath, refocus, let the warmth subside. “Well, now you know in case you were ever going to do such a thing. Do not circumvent the filters.”

She let out a chuckle.

“Okay, so, it was like a small compartment to just be alone for a bit.”

“And you mentioned Lucien?”

“... Oh gods, it is not a…”

“It is not a, uhh…”

“You know.”

“Auteme?”

Couples + Privacy = … Hmmm…

Auteme

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"No! No. No, I was just- I was looking. It's a reading room. Kind of. And a- a mini-lab. There's some cool stuff in there. It's not- that's not- I mean, I guess we could've, but as I said I'm not really spending much time there, and Luc definitely isn't, and we- no. It's just a room. With some privacy. Alone privacy. Very alone."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

So it was just a place for Auteme to run small studies on her own without anyone to bother her. Aeris began to see the picture for what it was, even if Auteme had already been entirely honest about it.

“Well, okay.” Aeris said and picked up the sheet again. “So it is a place to be alone. Have some ‘alone privacy’ that is ‘very alone’.”

…

A moment passed.

…

“I have been close to leaving the New Jedi Order many times by now.” Aeris admitted as the silence broke. “When the reports came back from Korriban about the children there…”

“I only stuck around because of Dagon, and even still I only stay because I believe I have the chance to change things by being in the Circle. In truth, and I understand he was— is— your friend, but Ryv Karis, Ishida Ashina, Michael Sardun, Rhis Fisto…” Exasperated sigh. “Even Dagon, or Aaran, at times.”

“The kind of Order they represent, or have represented, is not the Order I want to be associated with.”

“They carry a sort of… Blind hatred, almost. Some are just stubborn, put in shoes that were too big, while others are zealots that I would expect to see in the Ashlan Crusade, and do NOT get me started on those fools.”

“I understand that we need to stand up to darker powers, but if we cannot do it without falling prey to the very same twisted ideals of might making right, or that we are the correct path for the galaxy... If we allow ourselves to believe that we are somehow judge, jury, and executioner in matters of moral… How can we claim to be any different than those we supposedly fight?”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

She probably should've left after all... that, but when Aeris began to express her concerns about the Order, Auteme stayed put awhile and listened.

"I think it's easy to forget, given our place in the galaxy- which is odd, because our place involves facing evil quite often- that we do not operate on the same level as the Sith. We have our own problems, yes, and it's critical that they are remedied, but comparing the Jedi and the Sith -- or the Jedi and the myriad of evils we face -- is a colossal oversight of both our nature and the nature of evil. We do not enslave, we do not conquer, we do not raze. It doesn't erase our crimes. It doesn't lessen them. But to equate the New Jedi Order to the Sith shows... I don't know, Aeris. I think you're smart and thoughtful, but..." She couldn't quite finish the thought, and admittedly, she didn't feel like she was entirely doing her own or Master Quill's views justice.

"I'm- well, I feel like we switch places every time we talk. You have a kind of pessimism that surprises me, I guess. People -- especially those who call themselves New Jedi -- have so much potential for good, and I've always tried to give them both the guidance and trust that will help them achieve that potential. Though," her gaze dropped, "I've been wrong to trust before."

It wouldn't stop her from trusting in the future, but it'd give her pause. Solipsis had been impossibly convincing.

"You want the Jedi to inspire the galaxy, but that's not exclusive to us, nor should we exclude ourselves from acting, even if we've failed in the past. There's a balance to strike in everything, and as Jedi, it's as important to help our peers as it is to help the people of the galaxy. And, obviously, we've got a lot of work to do on both ends."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Auteme

Deep breath.

“I am sorry, and… you are right.” Aeris frowned as she looked down into the palms of her hands. “I… Do not really have anyone that I talk to about these things. Not regularly. I do believe in the New Jedi — obviously, or I would have already left — but I am just afraid that there will come a point when…”

Did Aeris just catch herself admitting to being afraid? Her glance at Auteme seemed to lose focus for a moment as one emotion after the other welled up inside her chest, chief amongst which was fear. It gripped at her heart like a venomous stinger to her entire nervous system. It hurt, it burned against her senses until she finally glanced up at Auteme again with another frown.

“I never wished for Jedi to inspire alone, I wished for… I really do not know.” The librarian said and grasped her hand and began to rub her thumb along the surface of her palm. “I am sorry, this is probably an awful conversation. But, I come to you because I know that you can make sense of things. Hell, you even did so right now.”

“I… May not show a lot of trust in others, but I have always trusted you and your judgment.”

“... I hope you know that.”

 

[Auteme]

Aeris Lashiec
​

"Aw- Aeris, you're so sweet." Auteme stood up and scooted over to embrace her friend. "Thank you. And, you know, you can always talk to me about anything."

She pulled away, moving behind her chair and putting her hands on its back to begin pushing it back in. "Also -- it wasn't awful. Confronting your own beliefs can hurt, but it's always worthwhile. Also-also -- don't be afraid to be afraid, or to feel, or to express yourself. The galaxy's a scary place, and we're in a scary time. Talking about it tends to help, and talking to others always helps.

"Anyways, ah, I'm gonna head out now, I think. Keep up the good work. And take care of the tree. When you're old you can eat its fruit and have an even bigger brain."

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

"Well, contrary to popular belief, a larger brain will not actually--" Aeris laughed and let a new smile re-emerge upon her lips. "I am joking with you."

Deep breath.

"Take care, Auteme. With all that is hanging on the horizon..."

"We will make it through. We always do."

Auteme