Private Ties that bind (Cotan Sar'andor)

[Caedyn Arenais]

Location: The Svivren Jedi Enclave
Tags: Cotan Sar'andor

​

Over the passing months, there had been a number of times where Caedyn had run into his fellow Je'daii Cotan Sar'andor . During every one of these times, there had been some form of conflict or emergency going on where they were both working to assist the Outer Planets Alliance in containing the given situation and those afflicted on whatever world they found themselves on during that specific incident. These coincidental meetings had gradually led to Caedyn's wanting to meet and speak with Cotan in private, a place and time of peace where they might reminisce over their mutual connections to Lief and the Je'daii of old.

Unfortunately, there really seemed to be a time these days where Caedyn truly felt at peace.

Only a week from today, had his Mother called for he and Loreena Arenais-Valhoun to meet with her and inform them of their father's death. WolfMortum having been slain in combat by Darth Prazutis during the battle for Glastro City on Bimmisaari. The weight of the news was crushing, and Caedyn was still struggling to accept it as truth. He and his Father had been at odds for a very long time after Veiere's fall to the Darkside and the establishment of the Dark Jedi Order on Rannon, then leading to the attack and slaughter of Jedi at the enclave of Deneba. Caedyn had struggled for years to forgive his father for the vile act, and though he had gradually come to accept Veiere's return to the Light and long-fought plight for retribution and the forgiveness of his family and friends, Caedyn had never forgotten it. Nor had he ever truly trusted in his father like he had when he was a child, that unconditional love for one's parents having been lost so long ago.

Even still...-That was not to say that Caedyn didn't feel some love for his father; and to believe that despite his years of study and experience as a Jedi Master, that someone had overcome him in conflict seemed difficult to believe given the amount of times Veiere had put himself in harms way between one military power and another. He had escaped execution whilst a prisoner to the Sith Emperor on Commenor, of all people...-So naturally Caedyn was struggling with the news, the loss of not only his father but a Jedi Master whom Caedyn was constantly compared to when meeting new people. Forever having felt like he was walking in his father's shadow.

Caedyn needed counsel, and Cotan Sar'andor had been his former Master's "significant other". Not only that, but he had lately been there at every turn when things become volatile and Caedyn had needed the support of others. Cotan had a way of masking things with humor, similar to Veiere; And Caedyn certainly needed the support now.

Cotan Sar'andor.

It's Caedyn Arenais, presently on Svivren at the Jedi Enclave. If you have the time, I'd be greatful of your company and advice on a personal matter. It's also probably well and truly due for us to catch up on old times regarding Asha and the Je'daii. It's been so long since I've seen or heard from her, it would do me some good to be able to talk of the Order with someone familiar, again.

Kind regards,
Caedyn.
Steward of the Jedi Enclave of Svivren.

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

It turned out that being a strange combination of Grand Marshal, Jedi Master, and Je'daii Ranger meant for a lot of busy-ness and running around on the part of the man who held all three titles. When he wasn't fending off a rebellion on Zonju V, he was fighting Sith on Kashyyyk; when he wasn't doing either of those, he was running off to Ceto to train people interested in becoming the newest iteration of the Je'daii. Finally, for once, he didn't have any of those other things to do, he wasn't having to drop down into any more warzones; it was time for a well-deserved rest.

Not that he found the enclave on Svivren particularly restful while just looking around. Sure, the layout was the same, but walking into it and seeing it full of Jedi and all their related goings-on was noticeably different from when he'd been training there with the Je'daii some years before. Off-putting enough that he couldn't quite fully relax, dealing with the disparity between memory and present experience.

But Caedyn had called him over; and after figuring out what room the Jedi was staying in, Cotan quickly made his way over, following a path he'd tread multiple times before.

And, as he threw open the door, he was glad that Caedyn hadn't changed the code on the door.

The door to what had been Cotan's room before.

"What have you done with the place?" he exclaimed, facing Caedyn with a wild-eyed stare. "Not just the entire enclave, but you're taking over my room, too? Have you no shame, Caedyn?"

Caedyn Arenais

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"What have you done with the place?
Not just the entire enclave, but you're taking over my room, too?
Have you no shame, Caedyn?".
​

Caedyn turned in his chair, seated at his desk and looked across to Cotan Sar'andor . By the time Cotan had arrived it was a new day, yet even still there was documentation to be taken care of, records and plans for the week ahead that Caedyn had to look over and approve of before anything went ahead. It was clear that Cotan wasn't too impressed, though neither was Caedyn by his entrance and considering the way the Je'daii had just up and vanished, coupled with the recent death of his Father, he didn't feel the need to hold his tongue.

"I remained when everyone else abandoned the Enclave, Aurum and the other Temples" Caedyn almost growled in his reply, moving to stand from his seat; "When the Je'daii took off without so much as a final word, I was here looking after the place and have been trying to make a difference despite not having a damn clue what I'm doing, nor how to do it on my own!".

Perhaps it wasn't Cotan's intention to spark Caedyn's anger, but it wasn't the first time he had criticized the young Jedi recently. It was enough that Caedyn himself had been struggling and doing his best to not let it show before the rest of the Jedi there, but he wasn't his father and being a leader didn't come naturally to him. Every day was a struggle not to let his insecurities get the better of him and now in the privacy of his quarters, Cotan had unknowingly triggered the young man whilst still mourning his recent familial loss.

"I've done the best I can, Cotan...-And until recently, I didn't even know you were still around. I thought you'd taken off like Asha did", Caedyn had still been a Je'daii Padawan when his Master had disappeared, soon followed by their entire Order aboard the Silent Fleet. Removing themselves from the known Galaxy entirely. Wherever they were today, they'd cut all communication with Caedyn and the Tho Yor. Last he'd been on Tython, it had been reclaimed by the Alliance in Exile...-And then, Force only knew who took it next.

"You have no idea how hard this has been!".

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"I don't?"

It seemed that Cotan's attempt at (what seemed to him) an obvious joke had fallen apart entirely, instead throwing Caedyn onto a defensive track in the conversation. "She disappeared on me too, Caedyn. They all did." He walked further into the room, shutting the door behind him. Despite the change in ownership of the enclave—and the room itself—it was still mostly the same as he'd left it. Jedi and Je'daii sensibilities didn't seem to lend themselves to an excess of personalization and decoration.

He dug down into a pocket, pulling out the small badge that Dax had tossed at him back when they were fighting the Sith on Pantora, holding it out to Caedyn. "You're not the only one who's been suddenly thrust into a position of leadership, either. With Dax and Bryce both gone I was pretty much the only one around to take charge over the Judges." He held up the lightsaber that was hanging off of his belt, turning fully back to Caedyn with a small smile.

"Do you really think the guy that's more known for his ability to fight has the faintest clue what he's doing running a group full of discount Kyle Katarns and Dash Rendars, a not-insignificant portion of whom don't care at all for trying to maintain any semblance of balance? While still running around trying to keep up a good face for us with our alllies?" Dropping his lightsaber back down again, Cotan leaned against one of the walls of the chamber.

His grin fell as well, as he faced Caedyn with a fairly neutral expression. The younger man was about as old as he'd been when he joined what was then called the Outer Rim Coalition, leaving his old life in the New Jedi Order behind and getting assigned to watch over Zonju V, a single ex-Jedi working with the facade of local law enforcement trying keep the planet orderly and safe. It had been a lot of responsibility at the time, responsibility that had only grown more and more as the years had passed, with new challenges every day; while the circumstances were different, it wasn't that far removed from what Caedyn had to take care of now.

"Do you remember what you said to me back on Pantora? When I joked at you and asked why you hadn't finished your great journey yet?"

Caedyn Arenais

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Caedyn frowned, staring back at Cotan Sar'andor with a slightly different perspective of what had been said on Pantora. "You'd implied that I'd removed myself so far from my training as a Je'daii that I'd forgotten everyone...", it may have been said in humor but lately when they'd ran into each other, Cotan had been quick to joke at Caedyn's expense over the subject, clearly not realizing how much of a sore spot it truly was for the young man. "I'd only met you a couple times, from what I can remember. So it took me a moment to realize who you were on Pantora; the last person I expected to see there" he elaborated, explaining why Cotan had said what he had.

The immediate anger that had been triggered in Caedyn had seemingly been pushed back in Cotan's response, however replaced with a sense of loss and uncertainty. Part of him had figured that Asha might have stayed in contact with Cotan, given how they were or atleast had been together during those days. His reappearance had almost given Caedyn some small hope that the Je'daii might be returning, however that had soon faded there-after.

"I was barely made a Journeyer when everyone took off...-Then the Sith Empire attacked Commenor and held it for a year. We fought against them, one thing leading to the next, managed to free the world but by then I'd lost all trail of where our people had gone" He spoke, almost under his breath in defeat. The young Knight dropping to sit back within his seat, gaze being pulled away from Cotan to his private terminal, though seemingly staring off through it rather than focusing on any one particular thing.

"Five days ago now, my Dad was killed by Darth Prazutis ..." he informed Cotan, his words spoken upon a tone of defeat and mourning. While his eyes wavered, he did his best to maintain his composure and not break down in front of one of his former peers and senior mentor's among the Je'daii since disbanded.

"I'm sorry for snapping, but I'm not handling things so well at the moment" he reluctantly admitted.

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

Cotan continued to lean against the wall, his face blank as Caedyn started to elucidate all of his recent trials. All told, he was never very good at consoling another in their grief; even with the experience he had himself of those close to him dying, Cotan grown to accept it as a part of life that would always be happening around him. Wisdom or numbness, he couldn't say; regardless, his own changed views on it left him without much ability to make another dealing with grief feel better.

Though, that only seemed the most recent matter weighing on Caedyn's mind, the one that was trying to make everything else spill over and out. "You didn't answer my question," he said once the younger man finished. "You said you weren't ready. Alone, you weren't ready." He gestured at the walls around them, knowing that even if Caedyn didn't turn to face him, his reflection would be fully visible on the terminal.

"Were you ready to take charge over a temple and turn it back to Jedi usage?" he asked. "Were you ready for any training you had? Were you ready when your father sent you to learn with Asha in the first place?" He knew it was risky pressing at Caedyn like he was; needling at a young man who was busy dealing with the death of somebody close to them was bad enough, but add on that Caedyn seemed nearly convinced that he was some sort of failure, and that could make it dangerous.

Of course, Cotan had never been one to shy away from danger, nor from directly speaking the truth the way he felt it needed said, or the way he felt somebody else needed to hear it; if that got a lightsaber drawn on him, then so be it.

"Do you think I was ready when I watched my master get killed in front of me, and got held as a Sith prisoner afterwards? Or that I was ready when the Jedi Council decided to knight me? When I left, joined the Judges, and got put in charge of Zonju V? Caedyn, I haven't been ready for anything that's been thrown my way except for a couple sandwiches." He stepped forwards, reaching out to lay a hand on Caedyn's shoulder.

"Nobody's ever ready. Not from the moment we're born are any of us ready for any of the real struggles we'll face, and it's rare that we really have anybody to face them with." He reached into a larger pouch on his belt, pulling out a holocron, gesturing with it at Caedyn. "My master is long since dead and gone. So is your dad, so are most of the Je'daii, and nothing's changing that. All we have left is what they taught us while they were around, and it's up to us to keep going, keep making mistakes, keep trying to learn from them, and eventually set up the next group of unfortunates to make all the same mistakes we've been making."

He set the holocron down on the desk, giving Caedyn a short shrug. "The way I see it, all of us who keep trying to leave the galaxy a better place than we found it are doing as well as anybody could hope." He gave the holocron a small nudge with the Force, willing it to activate itself, showing the spectral, holographic form of his former master hovering above it; then he turned back to Caedyn, a sympathetic expression on his face.

"And I can guess as to how hard this has all been, because I've been through a lot of similar experiences. So long as you can convince yourself to keep getting out of bed, picking up a lightsaber, and doing what needs done in a day, you're handling it all well enough."

Caedyn Arenais

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Cotan Sar'andor responded with a rather blunt perspective that forced Caedyn into a sort of shocked silence while he listened, staring back at the older male as he spoke about the death of his Master, comparing his own experiences with Caedyn's recent hardships and the belief that no one was truly ready for when things got tough.

"And I can guess as to how hard this has all been, because I've been through a lot of similar experiences. So long as you can convince yourself to keep getting out of bed, picking up a lightsaber, and doing what needs done in a day, you're handling it all well enough".

He wasn't exactly quick to agree with the sentiment, but nor could he argue with it. There were billions of people across the Galaxy that lived only for themselves and struggled with loss all the same, while there were also people, Jedi, like he and Cotan who did all they could to help retain some semblance of order and peace in the Outer Rim and the Greater Galaxy, while bearing all the burdens of life as it were.

"...That's your Master?" Caedyn asked as he looked at the image being projected from the Holocron that Cotan had placed on the desk, the vision of a glowing anthropomorphic owl; Not exactly what Caedyn might have imagined or expected when thinking of the one whom trained Cotan, but then he had never asked nor had the opportunity to take an interest before today. "I'm sorry you had to go through that...-Seeing what you did, and then being captured by the Sith. That must've been horrible...".

"I don't intend to step away from this life, if that's what you're thinking" Caedyn added, putting his thoughts to the future as Cotan had spent time emphasizing the importance of getting out there and continuing to fight the good fight, so to speak. "This Enclave belonged to the Jedi Order before Dad had the place repaired and gave it over to Asha. The Je'daii are gone, but I have put so much time into reestablishing the Order on Svivren and I want to believe that Dad would be proud that it's becoming a source of hope for the Outer Rim once more, like it was when he was growing up here".

"I'm not about to quit...-I'm just struggling, and I'm not exactly...Easy on myself, I guess" he admitted. "Everyone struggles though, right?" He added, looking for a little reassurance from Cotan. Caedyn wasn't the type to get angry easily, especially to the point of violence. Cotan's choice of words had sounded heavy, but they'd given him pause enough to take a step back and reevaluate the situation.

"And you giving me chit about the Je'daii and all, doesn't exactly help".

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

"Yes, everyone struggles. Every second of every day, someone, somewhere, has something they've got to fight against, for themselves, for anybody else, it doesn't matter. Nobody's ready for life." He smirked slightly as Caedyn threw one last accusatory comment his way. As much as the young man had been dealing with, it wasn't the most helpful thing to needle him about Je'daii training; not that that meant he would entirely stop.

"Now, just what sort of semi-mentor figure would I be if I didn't prod at you every now and again? See, you've been insecure about the wrong things, and we've got to redirect that. Being a little insecure about your training progress just gives you more reason to push on ahead, and you'll see tangible results to dispel that insecurity when you do so." He gestured at the holocron as he spoke, a nod to where he got that bit of teaching. "Besides, most Je'daii Journeyers did their journeys alone, without any help. Archives'll prove it if you don't believe me!"

He gave Caedyn a good-natured pat on the back with that, though while he wasn't entirely serious, it wasn't entirely in jest, either. He fell silent for another few moments, contemplating the holocron he'd set out on the desk, as well as what the younger man had said in response to hearing a bit of Cotan's past. Being held prisoner by a Sith Lord that liked to cheat death as much as Darth Carnifex wasn't an enjoyable experience, nor was seeing his master killed in front of him; given the whole series of events that had happened, however, he didn't see either of those as the worst of what had occurred during that time on Atrisia.

"Being held captive wasn't all that terrible, really," he said, breaking the silence and scratching at his jaw. "I didn't like it, don't get me wrong; torture isn't a good time. Having them play around with my mind, trying to make me believe their illusions were visions, I'd rather avoid ever having to repeat that. Same with watching Kha'rii get cut down." Hearing the name spoken, the gatekeeper of the holocron looked over expectantly for a moment, but Cotan continued on, ignoring it.

"The escape was what was horrible. Some acolyte, who'd never known anything other than being a Sith, got assigned to trying to get the knowledge out of this holocron. Speaking with this apparition of my master, day in and day out, and never making any progress." He stared intently at the hologram, almost talking as if Caedyn wasn't even in the room. The last time he'd really spoken about the events of his escape was in front of the Jedi Council on Coruscant; at least this time he had some semblance of his master with him while he did it.

"It didn't work, though. This holocron is designed to resist attempts to rip information out, and when it's being used by somebody noticeably entrenched in the Dark side, it'll argue with them, try to convince them to reflect on their actions, to turn away. After a few months, it worked, and the acolyte came back with the holocron. Got me out of my little prison, and we ran for the ships."

He reached into the same pouch he'd pulled the holocron from, this time pulling out a small, cracked, red crystal. It was far too damaged to properly focus a weapon anymore, and it clearly radiated the Dark side after being pulled out. Given his usual penchant for wanting to fix broken things, heal others, and general commitment to balance in the Force, it was a very odd thing for Cotan to be keeping in its current state.

"Never even learned her name. Just left her guard a little too open while covering our run, one blast hit her lightsaber, and the rest didn't miss. I managed to carry her out to the ship, but she was dead the second the first bolt hit. I gave her as proper a funeral as I could later, and scavenged what I could from her lightsaber to build a replacement for my first. Thought about purifying the crystal and trying to use it, but..."

He gave a small, sad sigh. "It just didn't seem right to do that. To try and give her crystal the opportunity she never got. I don't think it'd let me, anyways; all the anger, rage, and pain that she poured into it was just as much a part of her as any wish she had to get away and find a better path, and the kyber knows that as well as I do. Better to remember her as she was, rather than to try and make her something she wasn't." Cotan pocketed the crystal again, returning it to its pouch. Dark, just as the holocron was Light. The balance he'd learned the hard way.

"I had to watch Kha'rii get killed, but that's because I refused to listen to him and run. I paid for that mistake many times over during my imprisonment. That acolyte, well, she might still be alive if she didn't decide to try and get me free so that I could help her be better. If I hadn't been captured in the first place, so she'd never had to mess with the holocron. She might have had doubts regardless, and gone on to leave the Sith without the holocron arguing her into it. Who can say?" He turned back to the holocron, before reaching out with the Force again, deactivating it.

Almost immediately, his own demeanour seemed to relax a bit, though his mood was still a bit somber.

"It took a long time before I could stop blaming myself for her death. Watching Kha'rii die, getting captured, those I can rightfully blame myself for; if I'd listened to him and ran like he said, I could've escaped. We both knew as soon as that Sith drew his weapon that Kha'rii wasn't getting away; he wasn't a slouch with a lightsaber, but he was old, and he had a Padawan to protect. That acolyte, though, she was young, skilled, and she had a chance; eventually I had to accept that it was just a fraction of an inch that got her killed, not me, not her choice to try and be better."

"So don't be so hard on yourself, Caedyn. The things that actually are your fault are a lot easier to learn from and get over, but if you let the other things eat at you, you'll get stuck on a backwater desert planet working with a king that's slowly going mad while you're fighting bandits on a repulsor-train every other weekend." He gave a quick, sly grin.

"Let me be hard on you instead, because I'm older, wiser, smarter, and more handsome, so I've earned the right to make fun of kids like you."

Caedyn Arenais

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

Cotan Sar'andor wasn't pulling his words, he had plenty to say and it rather surprised Caedyn how willing he was to be open about such a personal experience; It was kinda nice that Cotan seemed to be able to trust Caedyn enough, or at-least feel comfortable in recalling upon the past, as sensitive a subject as he imagined it to be.

"Semi-mentor figure?" Caedyn asked, intrigue evident as he looked back to Cotan, curious to know what the older male considered that would look like. "Is that why you've been tailing me into almost every dangerous situation I've run into lately?" he continued with a wary half-smile. Caedyn couldn't help but feel good in what seemed to be someone willing to take an interest and help guide him further.

Of course, Cotan was right in the sense that Je'daii Journeyer's undergo their pilgrimage to the Tho Yor on their own, absent of any guide as you might expect when thinking of the typical relationship between a Jedi Padawan and their Master.

"I thought that maybe Asha had asked you to watch over me in her absence..." He explained, having assumed as much because despite the sudden and rather final act that was her disappearance, Asha had always expressed great care for Caedyn as a student and a friend. It was only natural that his mind would put together some sort of scenario that linked and made sense of it all.

The details surrounding Cotan's account of his Master's demise, followed by his capture, torture and escape was gruesome enough to imagine; Caedyn was relieved for his own sake not having gone through such a harrowing ordeal, and well as feeling hugely sympathetic towards Cotan now understanding some of the man's history and what had happened to him. Such a horrible thing to go through, that no one should ever have to experience. And that was why it was so important for the Jedi to be an active presence in the Galaxy.

"So don't be so hard on yourself, Caedyn. The things that actually are your fault are a lot easier to learn from and get over...", perhaps easier said than done, yet there was wisdom in those words that seemed to resonate with the younger male, remembering something his Father used to tell he and Lori; 'The harder lessons in life, are often the most important'. As well as the whole 'learning to pick yourself back up after falling' speech.

"If you're going to be making fun of me, does that mean you'll be sticking around then?" he countered Cotan's final jest with a bit of a sarcastic jab towards his present company; "I suppose I can shift my stuff to another room, if you're going to complain so often about it..." he finally gave a genuine smile.

 

[Cotan Sar'andor]

Cotan raised an eyebrow, looking at Caedyn. "I'm not that attached to the room, you know," he replied, holding up a hand.

"I can count how many times I slept in here on one finger."

He let his hand fall, stepping back away from the younger man and his desk. "Besides, I can't stay more than a day or so. Life's busy. You've got a temple and an entire sub-set of the Jedi Order to worry about, I've got a bunch of wanna-be Han Solos to worry about. Mine requires a bit more travel." He shrugged, spreading his hands in a gesture of defeat. "That's the reason I've been running into you a lot; happy coincidences. My wisdom and expertise is just your reward for running in the same circles I do nowadays."

He had to stop for a moment to think about how best to explain that Asha hadn't actually asked him to watch over Caedyn. He could always go the flat and blunt route, but that might be a bit too much; he couldn't really sugarcoat it, either. "She never asked me to watch over you," he replied. "She always asks about you whenever I run into her out in the galaxy, though, so I think it's one of those things I'm just supposed to do anyways." He shrugged again.

"Best not to shirk it and run the risk that she knows how to pop back open some of the wounds I got fighting on Coruscant, y'know what I mean?"

He wasn't honestly sure if Caedyn did. While Asha herself would never do such a thing, Cotan had run into other women before meeting her that absolutely would if they could. Whether Caedyn had similar sorts of experience wasn't in the realm of things he knew about. "Anyways, now that we've got the serious stuff out of the way, how about you and I head off to one of the training rooms? I've got to make sure you haven't let your skills drop too much. Besides, it'll help everything I've told you sink in if you don't have to think about it a lot."

Caedyn Arenais

 

[Caedyn Arenais]

"I don't think I do..."

Caedyn replied in regards to the mention of Coruscant and old wounds. It was nice to know that she asked about him atleast, though he wondered how often Cotan had run into her and how recently as well. It'd felt like an age since he'd last run into his old friend and Mentor. He still had the The Prophet, as well as Azrael, her feline friend whom often played with Ashla these days, the two keeping one another entertained and in good company whilst Caedyn couldn't always be around.

Cotan Sar'andor seemed to have a suggestion on his mind however, the prospect of a sparring match by the sounds of it. "Training?" He asked rhetorically, "Sure, that might be a good change of pace" he admitted in agreement. It had been some time since he had sparred against a friendly opponent, not to mention one of great skill and advantageous to his practice and ability. Caedyn moved to stand from the desk, collecting his Lightsaber and clipping it to his belt before gesturing to the entrance to the room politely allowing Cotan to step out ahead of him.

"Lady's first" he jested.

The journey to the training wing was short lived, and as they passed many of the students whom called the Enclave home, Caedyn couldn't help but wonder how Cotan was feeling about the place. "I know Svivren's not exactly how you might remember it, but believe it or not, the Jedi Enclave here hasn't been all that much different a place from how we used to run things" Caedyn explained a little, making conversation as they moved. "The ideology varies of course, though I teach a bit of Je'daii theory as well when I have the opportunity, otherwise we're doing what we can to help support the Outer Rim".