Private The Things We Carry

[Mia Monroe]

Nightmares were a constant part of life. Most of the time the form of them faded quickly enough that they were just uncomfortable impressions of emotions she could breathe through until sleep claimed her again. But occasionally they were visceral and so real she was sure she could touch them, the taste and smell of them lingering.

Mia lay staring at the ceiling above her bunk, the racing of her heart loud in her own ears as she tried to steady her breathing, fingers of anxiety digging claws deep into her chest. The rest of the group was quiet, someone snored loudly making her jump.

Well, at the very least, she hadn’t called out. Quietly and carefully she rolled from the bed, pulling her boots on and slipping from the tent. The makeshift barracks had been set not too far from the mines in which they were to descend into in the morning.

A fire still burned outside it and Mia moved around it, picking through supplies in search for something calming, acutely aware of the slight tremor in her hand and the echo of screaming still rattling in her head. She could still smell the blood, still feel it sticking to her hands as she scrambled to try and stop the bleeding.

Her fingers found a tin, flicking it open to find tea inside. It would do. She busied herself, filling a kettle, reinvigorating the fire and setting it above it to boil, trying to find some comfort and control over the ache in her chest.

Adelle Bastiel

 

[Adelle Bastiel]

Tags: Mia Monroe

The night air felt cool on her skin as Adelle ran through katas, quick at first and then gradually slowing them down. The exercises gave her something else to focus on, gave her body an outlet for the adrenaline that surged through her with the nightmares. Starting out fast and gradually slowing the pace helped her control her breathing, helped bring her down from the fight or flight panic. Phantom had been left behind, much to the spukami’s consternation. If the Sithspawn escaped, she didn’t want Phantom to be in harm’s way. Which meant katas and all her usual tricks to help her sleep. The first few rounds of katas had helped.

So why in the Whills’ names was she still having problems?

Adelle could feel her heart hammer in her chest. Adrenaline shot like lightning through her veins. Anxiety squeezed her chest like some jungle python. Adelle stopped and held the position, a transitional pose in Soresu that extended an arm. The tremor she felt in her muscles never made it into actuality.

Which meant this reaction wasn’t hers. It was an echo from someone nearby.

The wooden staff she’d been using in lieu of her lightsaber whipped through the air as she finished the Soresu kata and once more held the pose, breathing through the echoes of someone else’s PTSD episode. The barren earth beneath her feet felt cool against her bare soles. A gentle breeze iced the sweat she had worked up. The distant sounds of the Iron Wolves camp and someone stirring in it came faintly. An acrid tang of smoke wafted on the air. Mandalore. She was on Mandalore, camping outside Ronion’s mines with the Iron Wolves, and would enter tomorrow morning to clear out the Sithspawn that still claimed them.

It would be enough. Adelle took one last breath and relaxed as best she could, before turning and walking back through the dark to the camp. The amber light of the fire seemed blinding after who knew how long out in the pitch black wastes. Adelle said nothing, made no noise as she approached, bare feet padding across the earth. When she could actually look without the light stabbing her eyes, she very nearly turned around to walk back into the wilderness and sleep under the stars. Warmaster Monroe sat in front of a reinvigorated fire, staring at the flames. Adelle could still turn around. It didn’t look like Monroe had noticed her.

But Monroe’s fingers trembled.

Adelle stepped into the ring of firelight, aware that her own appearance was probably as haggard as Monroe’s. The tank top and loose pants she wore were soaked with sweat and coated with dust from her katas. She said nothing as she walked to the opposite side of the fire, still incredibly wary of the Warmaster and her reactions. The staff she set on the ground beside her, doing nothing to hide it but also trying to not draw attention to it.

Adelle nodded at the kettle. “There enough for two?”

 

[Mia Monroe]

She should have felt Adelle coming, she should have heard her. No one's steps were truly silent and she was familiar enough with Adelle's presence in the force that her voice and appearance at the edge of the firelights reaches should have earned nothing more than a glance. Instead, Mia jumped, her right hand snapping to the knife sheathed on her boot as her head whipped round, the fingers of her left tightening on the mug, blue eyes flashing with reflected firelight.

The silver blade had slid out by an inch before recognition kicked it and she caught herself, losing a breath she hadn’t realised she’d sucked in as the tension eased from her shoulders, the blade sliding back into place with a click. It took another second or two for Adelle’s question to reach the depths of her brain that weren’t entirely consumed by her nightmares.

The Warmaster rose, a gesture towards the log seating her only answer as she moved away to find another mug. “There’s always enough for another.” she said finally, returning to set a second mug down to fill while Adelle settled.

Every movement after that was careful and deliberate; the placing of the strainer, the collection of the kettle from the flames with bare hands, the slow and steady pour, careful not to splash or have any leaves escape into the tea itself.

“Pretty sure it's chamomile and lavender,” she said, setting the kettle back on its hook before lifting the mug to offer Adelle. “A little too floral for my taste but it was all I could find.”

She settled back onto the seat, wrapping her hands back around her own mug and letting herself be drawn in by the flames again, eyes glazing briefly before she caught herself drifting again, her fingers shifting on the mug as the sensation of drying blood returned to them.

Mia took a breath and pulled herself away, looking across at Adelle, truly looking, noting her appearance properly for the first time.

“You look about as bad as I feel.”

Adelle Bastiel

 

[Adelle Bastiel]

Tags: Mia Monroe

The reaction had not gone unnoticed but the katas’ repetition had done their work and Adelle held back her own instincts. She did, however, make a mental note of it. If ever she found herself approaching the Warmaster in a state like this again, she would do so with an abundance of caution. As she sat on the log opposite the fire, Monroe stood and rummaged through the supply crate nearby, coming up with a second mug. Her face held an intense focus, as if she were pouring all her attention into what she was doing in the moment.

“Pretty sure it's chamomile and lavender,” she said, setting the kettle back on its hook before lifting the mug to offer Adelle. “A little too floral for my taste but it was all I could find.”

Adelle could smell the floral lavender long before Monroe handed the mug over and wrinkled her nose.

“I’m gonna have to see about getting just chamomile requisitioned,” Adelle said. “Can’t stand lavender.”

Still, she took the tea anyways. Just chamomile or a combination of chamomile and mint would have been her preference but a warm cup of tea had always been part of her ritual for settling after a nightmare. Well, tea or whiskey, one of the two. Monroe returning to her seat should have gone unnoticed but the lessons with Quinn left Adelle more aware of the minute motions a person had. The Warmaster’s eyes were distant but there was a tightness to her jaw. Her grip on the mug shifted, as if bothered. Then with a breath, Monroe came back into herself, looking across the fire.

“You look about as bad as I feel.”

Adelle snorted. “Could’ve been worse.”

Monroe’s words confirmed it. It had been her reaction that Adelle had felt. Even if she hadn’t said anything, the faint odor of blood in the Force would have told on her: it felt strongest around the Warmaster. Given the stories she’d heard about Monroe, it made sense.

And she knew it was a topic best left alone.

“You plan on taking your bes’kad tomorrow?” she asked. A stupid question perhaps, but Adelle had already taken the liberty of imbuing both Kael’s and Lio’s melee weapons with the Force, teaching them the basics and trusting other Wolves to take care of the rest of the packs. If Monroe’s blade hadn’t yet been imbued with the Light, fighting the Sithspawn would be that much harder.

Courtesy tags: Quinn Varanin | Kael Varr Bastiel Skirata | Liorra

 

[Mia Monroe]

Tags: Adelle Bastiel

The corner of Mia’s mouth curved into a small smile though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I’m normally better prepared but…”

But she hadn’t expected them, despite the fact that if they were going to surface anywhere it was here. Her and @Itzhal Volkihar’s first conversation had been about how there was a possibility that the mines were disrupting sleep, granting nightmares to those who had been working near them. She should have been better prepared.

She shrugged, sipping the tea, her nose wrinkling slightly. So long as it did the trick, she didn’t really care how it tasted, if anything the bad taste simply gave her another sense to focus on, drawing her steadily away from the things that flickered behind her eyes.

Her gaze slipped past Adelle, glossing again as shadows of nothing moved behind her. This time she caught herself quicker pulling herself away from the darkness as Adelle asked her question. She smiled, genuine, but tinged with sadness as she realised that Adelle not only knew, but was actively keeping the conversation away from it.

“There isn’t a battle that I don’t take my beskad into.” she answered simply. “Why do you ask?”

 

[Adelle Bastiel]

Tags: Mia Monroe

For a moment, the Warmaster’s gaze slid past Adelle, beyond her. Paranoia flared and Adelle had to force herself not to look over her shoulder. She knew nothing was there or Monroe wouldn’t have been as still as she was. Adelle blew on her mug of tea and took a scalding sip. It always hurt, always burned, but it helped ground herself in her own body, in the present.

“Had it imbued yet?” she asked, answering Monroe’s question with a question. “Sithspawn are weak against the Light and while a direct use is more effective, imbuement will help.”

The conversation helped distract her, helped keep her mind sliding back into the memnis that spawned the nightmare. It happened rarely, a nightmare that broke through the sedatives she took, but it did happen. Tonight she’d gotten off relatively easy. It had been about Riishi, her old CorSec partner and first girlfriend in memory.

It could have been worse. It could have been about Coruscant.

“If you haven’t, I can do it for you,” Adelle said.

 

[Mia Monroe]

Tags: Adelle Bastiel

Imbued.

The word seemed enough to yank Mia fully back from where she kept drifting, a faint frown creasing her forehead. She was familiar with the concept and its benefits, but carrying a Light imbued blade when she herself was a weapon of darkness seemed hypocritical. Yes, sithspawn were weaker against the Light side of the force, but they could die just as easily to the dark when the right pressure was applied.

"Do you understand the irony of offering to imbue my blade with the light side of the force?"

Mia shook her head, her gaze settling back on the fire before deciding that it only served to aggravate her mind, stirring images she didn't need. She took a sip of the scalding tea instead before bringing her eyes back to Adelle. Her lips parted a tirade of self flagellation ready to roll forward when she caught herself, snapping her mouth shut.

Adelle was trying to help, to provide a distraction. She did not need the venom of an old woman spat her way. She rubbed her face before taking another sip of tea and settling the mug down in the dirt.

"Hold on, I'll go and get it."

She rose disappearing back into the tent, returning moments later with the blade set in the sheath normally mag locked to her back.

 

[Adelle Bastiel]

Tags: Mia Monroe

The Warmaster’s response made Adelle raise her eyebrows. Yes, she had noted the irony of giving a weapon of Light to a master of the Dark. She also thought it hadn’t mattered to Mandalorians, least of all the Warmaster. Adelle had to bite her tongue hard. The scathingly sarcastic remark about Monroe not wanting to make things easier could not be uttered. Not now. As much as she wanted to. She was tired, mentally and emotionally, and she’d bet good credits that Monroe was too. It would only rehash old lessons Heren had beaten into her.

She took another sip of the tea, the strong lavender scent making her nose wrinkle. Monroe opened her mouth to say something then immediately shut it again. The older woman rubbed her face before setting her mug down and rising. Adelle looked sharply at the Warmaster and her sudden acceptance.

There was usually a trap behind that kind of ground given.

Even as Monroe came back with the sheathed beskad, Adelle still expected some kind of cruel trick or joke. She took it cautiously, one eye on Monroe’s movements. But nothing happened as she moved from sitting on the log to sitting cross-legged on the ground. Adelle drew the blade from the sheath, trying to be quiet out of consideration for the other Iron Wolves still sleeping. From what little she’d learned since swearing the Resol’nare, it was a nice blade. Adelle set it lengthwise across her lap, edge facing away from her, and placed the fingertips of each hand on the beskad, one near the tip and one at the pommel.

The crackle of the fire dulled and the drone of nocturnal insects faded as Adelle closed her eyes and dove into the Force. The Force moved and lived in all things, and through it all things were connected. The fire. Monroe. The blade. She followed the current that ran through and around the weapon, and through it, she felt every hammer blow that had forged it, the files that had shaped the tang, the care that had been put into the hilt.

Her hands shifted and the blade hovered in the air inches above her lap. She now held one arm over the blade and one below, the beskad firmly in her control in the Force. The Light came to her easily and she bound it to the current in the sword, wrapping it in and through the beskad’s essence.

Eventually, the blade settled along her bottom arm as Adelle brought her top hand down to secure the blade and make sure it didn’t accidentally fall and cut herself. She wasn’t sure how long it had been when she finished and she couldn’t tell if that disorientation came from her exhaustion or from diving deeply into the Force. Pale bluish light rippled over the blade’s surface faintly, like the patterns created by water refracting light. A side effect of her particular efforts with imbuing. It wouldn’t be enough to give off light so it wouldn’t affect Monroe in the mines positively or negatively.

Adelle quietly sheathed the blade again and offered it back to the Warmaster.

“You might find it hits harder than normal now,” she said. “Although you already hit like a freighter, so you might not even notice.”

 

[Mia Monroe]

Tags: Adelle Bastiel

On a better night, Mia might have caught the suspicion with which Adelle accepted the beskad, she might have recognised the pattern from their meeting on Naboo. But she was beyond tired and with what lay ahead of them tomorrow, it wasn’t good. Tired people make mistakes, and mistakes in a battle cost people lives. She needed to get a lid on her anxiety, the tremor still lingering in her fingers and the shadows lurking at the edges of her vision.

She settled back beside the fire, watching Adelle through the flames as she set to work. Despite being known as a powerhouse and someone who used the force as a blunt object, Mia was not ignorant to its more intricate uses. Morichro had saved her life more than once, and she had dabbled in alchemy in her past. It had its uses, just not often enough for her to practice them regularly.

The force flowed through Adelle as she focused, weaving the light through the blade with care. The Warmaster didn’t interrupt, the work was soothing to watch. When Adelle sheathed the blade and handed it back to her, she settled her now cool tea between her feet and took it, sliding the blade partially free studying the pale light that ran through it. It reminded her of the Living Waters.

Her comment drew a derisive snort from her. “I might not, but our enemies certainly will.” she slid the blade back into the sheath with a small snap.

“Thank you.” she said softly, looking back at Adelle “For the blade and the distraction.”

 

[Adelle Bastiel]

Tags: Mia Monroe

For a brief moment, Adelle thought the snort heralded some kind of criticism—about the Light, about Adelle’s work or the faint glow, something. But Monroe conceded Adelle’s point, only adding that their enemies within the mines might notice the difference. The blade slid home with a quiet but sharp sound and Adelle thought that was the end of it.

“Thank you.” she said softly, looking back at Adelle “For the blade and the distraction.”

Adelle did not hold the Warmaster’s gaze for long, looking instead at the stones that surrounded the firepit. Fortunately for her, the fire burned clean and the wood was some native tree with a fragrant scent to it. She hated to think of what a thick smoke would conjure up in her state.

“I’ve found it’s easier,” she said after a moment, “to deal with things obliquely. Going at it directly just… ends up hurting more.”

She picked up her cup of lukewarm tea and drank it, then made a face. The lavender was even worse now. “Had to do it all the time in my therapy sessions.”