Private The Persistence of Loss

[Aeris Lashiec]

The weeks had passed. From the library having seen a major project to restructure their sorting both come and go, to the way Aeris’ friends kept throwin themselves at danger for no apparent benefit. Their bodies healed of the physical, but the mental would always remain. Aeris had seen it before and she would see it again, but if she didn’t try to see them through it then what kind of friend was she, really?

For Dagon the path had been a rough one. Out of courtesy she had not read his file, but that didn’t mean she would stay out of his head. An invitation had been sent out for him, a request to help her scrape off some rust in a no holds barred sparring match.

In reality it was to beat the truth out of him, but he didn’t need to know that.

The mood had been set. The sandpits of the training room had been flattened with a perfect smoothness, the only disturbances being the few footsteps that led to where Aeris had taken to kneeling down in meditation. Before her laid a quarterstaff, and two-point-five feet before it was another one. An invitation for Dagon to take a knee before they began.

“You’ve arrived.” Aeris’ voice echoed across the chamber as her eyes opened to meet with Dagon. “Careful not to disturb the sand too much. We will need as much of it as possible for the next hour.”

“Take a seat. Join me before we start.”

Dagon Kaze

 

[Dagon Kaze]

There was no hesitation to be found when Aeris had sent him the invitation for a spar. Anything that could get her out of the library. And anything that could disconnect him from the talons of grief. Outlet. The word rang eerily through his mind, it echoed Sunstrider's warnings of what Dagon had been turning Ayana into. In the end, she had become the outlet of his crimson fate.

"Hi to you too, Aeris." Dagon scoffed, the mask of humor donned on his face. He set the kitbag to the side and took off his shirt; etched scars, faint burns and blunt blue encompassing his torso and back. Once, these 'trophies' would've made him stare into the mirror lost in thought, questioning everything. Now, they had grown to be a part of him.

He stepped into the sandpit, adjusted the wraps around his hands, curling his fingers to feel the tightness, then fell on his knees. The meditation pose that he once found solitude in had become repelling - a symbol of stagnation and passiveness. Of inaction. And it reminded him of the shadow of his master over him. Nothing of the ruminations bore witness on his face, except just for a few vague lines on his face contorting.

Dagon looked up from his surroundings to Aeris, "Ready when you are."

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

“No.” Aeris stated simply and kept her eyes closed. “I want you to reach out into this room and feel every single surface that the force lets you brush against. Feel every stroke of the wind as it sweeps through the room.”

Aeris kept her hands in her lap, shoulders sinking and rising at a constant rate as she waited for Dagon to do the same. For the last hour, this was all that Aeris had done. She had been seated, and she had meditated upon the task before her. Sparring was a violent act, one that she never took much pleasure in, but there was no denying that in following the faith that the two practitioners in this very room held to, defense was the best offense.

After nearly fifteen minutes had come to pass in silence, Aeris finally held her hand up. The staff beneath her palm gently rose to let her fingers wrap around it before she stood up and ran her digits over its worn, wooden surface. She had kept this staff for years now. Many had offered to change it, but it held a place for her.

“Ground rules.” She uttered wistfully and glanced up at Dagon. “One hit, one truth. Don’t matter how big or how small.”

“The name of the game is catharsis.” She nodded and quickly thrust her polearm into the man’s shoulder. “You start.”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

A deep sigh, hinting of mild irritation, escaped his mouth as he closed his eyes. It had always seemed easy for Dagon to call on the Force, but always difficult to...loosen himself up in its current. His own form in the ethereal like that of a rock, planted in one place and diverging the river's bend to its own liking. For a quarter of an hour, he melded in and out of the flow of the Force. Fifteen long minutes in which he pressed down on the emerging ghosts, fifteen long minutes in which his mind drifted to the permeating grief.

Aeris' movement opened his eyes to see her grasp the quarterstaff. Finally. He eagerly followed suit and stood up with the staff between his fingers. Itching.

“Ground rules.” She uttered wistfully and glanced up at Dagon. “One hit, one truth. Don’t matter how big or how small.”

"W-w--"

“The name of the game is catharsis.” She nodded and quickly thrust her polearm into the man’s shoulder. “You start.”

"What?" he groaned, confusion and reluctance drawing webs in his mind. "We're sparring, not having a shrink session." he bit at her far more than he intended.

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

“I’ll take that as a truth,” Aeris said and slowly shifted her bare feet across the sand to put distance behind herself and her target. “But only because you weren’t prepared. Next time, a truth is a truth or the pressure get raised until you open up.”

The pole spun behind her back before she let it slide against the exposed skin of her arms and come to a rest against the sleeveless garb that hung over her shoulders. This was a well-practiced set of moves, a meditative form of combat that she had come to accept as beneficial.

“You are a warrior, Dagon.” Aeris stated the obvious and brushed his mood off of her shoulders. “If I can’t get you to talk through words,” Aeris swung for the man twice. Once for his right waist and the other for his left cheek. “Then I will get you to talk through action.”

“Now speak.”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

Ah, so this is what's it all about, huh.

He clenched his jaw, no part of him wanted to do anything with this 'game'. Well, that was a lie. There was always a small piece clawing inside, trying to pry open the gates for the burdens to roll out into the open. Especially when it came to Aeris.

Her gracious moves with the staff came as little surprise; sure, Dagon had been used to seeing her bogged down in books, but he knew within the blonde lied dormant a Jedi who could whoop your ass if push came to shove.

She wasn't holding back. Right from the start.

The staff came at him and he reciprocated the moves the best way he could - copying. Not as refined but efficient enough to block the two swings, "There's nothing to talk about." he muttered and his staff feigned from the left, abruptly switching its trajectory midway to go for a thrust at her chest.

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

Much like the man tried to dodge her order, she too would dodge his attack. First with a step and then with a lean out of range from the man’s attack at her chest. Her palms pushed against the wood of her staff with a telekinetic wave to enhance the impact against his and throw it out of his hands.

“Speak up, boy. I can’t hear you.” She scowled and spun the staff around to throw sand at him. Not the eyes, but enough to try and trigger a dodge before she swept for his legs.

“We are not leaving until you either tell or show me exactly what is troubling you.” She repeated herself. “We are not done until I can help you through that.”

“The sooner you stop muttering like a damn child, the sooner we can get on with this.”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

Taunts, of course, she would employ taunts. He'd known her for longer than she knew him, always the one she forgot the name and face of. Always right. Always the smarter, the wiser, the prettier. And despite that, he still fell for the jeers.

Aeris flung sand catching him off-guard and swept him off his feet. He landed hard on his back but his knees snapped fast and brought him up back fast in an impressive demonstration of athleticism.

"Nothing's troubling me." Dagon grumbled as he began to draw a circle around her, "Seems like it's the opposite." a sneer forming on his face, "Let it all out!" he sprung forward a flash of a swing at her ribs.

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

Words over action, a truth hidden behind a blatant lie. The anger that lingered on his words as he circled her like a predator to a prey. While he could try to snake his way into her mind, try to flip the deck in his favor, Aeris had already steeled herself for this. That was the entire point of the meditation beforehand, the part that he had been too impatient to undergo.

The tendrils of the problem reached out with each drop of the venom that lined each word that parted from his tongue. Aeris steadied herself for his strike to prepare herself for the inevitable hit before he had even thrown the attack. A sharp pain throbbed against her side as she backed off to raise her guard again.

“That’s one for one.” Aeris grunted in pain as she steadied herself again. “I fear for the Order sometimes.” She admitted and looked Dagon in the eyes. “Afraid that we lose our path, afraid that we don’t know it until it is too late.”

That was a hit and it was the truth that she had chosen to offer, no more and no less. She entered stance yet again and rushed at the man to swipe at his kneecap before quickly adjusting the direction to try and strike at his nose instead.

“Before this is over I’ll have you weeping on the ground, boy.”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

Dagon's eyes widened at her admission, he wasn't expecting anything in return except Aeris pushing him to talk and even less so what she aired out. Granted, there was implications written on the wall, given their past conversations and what she had conveyed to him. Nonetheless, his surprise cost him a truth and a bleeding nose.

He staggered back and wiped the drops of blood trickling down his lips, chit. The padawan looked up from his hand and into her beckoning, green eyes.

"Boy, huh?" Dagon muttered underneath his breath, then rushed forward in the blink of an eye, each swing of his staff heavier than the previous, "Always the boy. Jedi boy, pretty boy, boy wonder, always the boy in someone's shadow." he grumbled coarsely, boiling frustration seeping into his words. Asmundr's massive shadow, Sardun's patronizing words - this boy's your leader? Weak. "Whatever I do...it's never enough!"

And I'm falling.

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

The word ‘boy’ got him to react. Aeris backed off as he spoke words that finally seemed to seep from the heart. Her shoulders rose and sunk with a growing smile on her lips that quickly faded as she focused on the fight yet again.

Dagon felt like he lived in someone’s shadow, that he was insufficient.

“Says who?” Aeris asked and continued her attack. “You are your own man.”

“What makes you feel like you’re not enough?”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

The ceaseless backs-and-forths between the two brought no breakthrough. They found themselves apart, sizing each other up; while she remained planted on the ground, Dagon paced from side to side. A question levied and he retorted, "You're not blind. Don't act the fool." his voice was as sharp as a papercut and his words coming unfiltered, "I touched the dark, Aeris, I touched it to save Arden, and in return? I am the betrayer, the weak leader, the unprepared boy padawan." the staff lashed out at the ground swiping up sand, a dark grimace wrinkling his facial expression, "All I do, all I've done, it has been to protect."

And where did that get you?

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

“I am not acting the fool, Dagon.” Aeris answered back. “A brush with the dark doesn’t make you weak, it makes you aware of who you are and who you could have been.”

There was no attack. Aeris followed the Padawan with her eyes and made sure to listen to what he had to say.

“If all you have done was to protect, then you should continue to do what you are doing.” She added and fell back into a defensive stance. “All you have to do is learn from it the mistake. And if forgiveness over mistakes has suddenly stopped being part of our core tenets then I am not sure I’d want to be a Jedi anymore.”

Her fingers loosened their grip for a moment before the grip tightened again.

“If you were sent back there, would you have done the same mistake again to save Arden’s life?”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

Dagon paused in his frantic striding but he did not look up back at her. Only down at the ground, lost in thought, torn between two sides within. A part of him, the one molded by the Jedi, wanted to say no but the other, the emotions, the attachments - it screamed louder.

"I don't know." he said, then after a pause, "I-- probably." the padawan conceded, yet uncertainty lingering in the undertones of his voice.

His eyes came back to Aeris, "If I had no other options." and back there and then it felt exactly like that. The frown fell back on his face and he darted at her with an onslaught of attacks, "Wouldn't you?!"

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

That torrent, the copper-scented gust of air breathing through the cracks of emotion. With each swing for her body she raised the staff to catch, let the wooden snaps and cracks echo along the walls as she allowed him to let it all out.

“Of course I would.” Aeris answered and continued to hold her guard. “It is our duty as Jedi to defend others. If I had fallen to the dark and come back again I would have taken the time to ponder just how easy that step across the threshold was.”

Aeris’ guard finally fell, her cheek bruised under the weight of Dagon’s strike. Her hand moved up to brush against it as she backed away.

“In truth, I am proud of you Dagon.” She said and heaved for air. “You went there and you came back. Not everyone has that willpower.”

She jabbed at his stomach. “It shows dedication to the cause.”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

He gasped at the staff thrust into his stomach, not quick enough to steel his abdomen and release the air first. Was he losing form? Or was he rattled? Shaken by Aeris' response; he'd come to terms to be judged, expected it, welcomed it even but instead he was...embraced. And by Aeris? She always carried the air of always-ready-to-judge, maybe he hadn't known her as much as he believed. Maybe there was a solid reason why she was always right.

A thin lopsided smirk emerged as he swung for a riposte. He said nothing except for a lax, "Your turn."

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

“I was six years old the first time I saw a friend taken to the pyre.” Aeris frowned and maneuvered the riposte. “They'd been a knight who had been in charge of the younglings. Got sent to war and came back a corpse.”

With that, Aeris paused for a moment. “That feeling of seeing someone that had cared for me on the funeral pyre has stayed with me since, and I still feel the same way now as I did back then when my friends inevitably seem to end up on one.”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

Her response erased the smirk on his face, his self-condemning inclination turned her words into a reminder of his actions leading up to Generis. It brought a sour taste in his mouth.

Their blows, thrusts and swings synchronized inadvertently into something almost akin to a well-trained dance. The staves came into a lock drawing the duo closer.

"There'll be no more pyres, Aeris." a load of determination slung forward, even if his words sounded like an ignorant fable, "I'll do what it takes to prevent it."

Aeris Lashiec

 

[Aeris Lashiec]

Dagon Kaze

“There will be, Dagon.” Aeris sighed and shook her head. “But I appreciate the sentiment, it’s a good one.”

Using the slowing momentum Aeris twirled the stick behind her and went in for an overhead attack.

“Now,” She swept from the side. “Dagon, please.” She exhaled and backed off. “Tell me the rest. The parts you are leaving out of the story.”

“... Why are you taking on all of this weight on your shoulders?”

 

[Dagon Kaze]

The lock of staves broke and Aeris went for his head from above, his left hand slid to the side of the staff and raised it up for a block. Her follow-up came right after from his left but he allowed the strike to find purchase, deliberately slowing his reaction. Subconsciously, he wanted to let it out.

They returned to their initial positions, standing in guard and observing the other.

“Tell me the rest. The parts you are leaving out of the story... why are you taking on all of this weight on your shoulders?”

His eyes averted from her gaze and his mind drifted from the scuffle to a razor memory tearing his heart. Not Ziost, not Generis, but Ossus. A million shattered fragments flickered through his head - the dusty cantina on Jedha, their first kiss, the sunset over the skyline of Coruscant, her head on his shoulder, his fingers playing with her silken, carob tresses, her arms embraced around his chest. His blade piercing through her heart, her eyes lifeless, yet still caring, locked with him for eternity.

"I...I loved a girl--" he clenched his jaw, it throbbed left and right as wrath began to boil. His tenacious grasp of the staff tightened until the Force, guided by the rising fury, erupted through his hands and the staff snapped in two. The crack of wood, as if created a chasm, swallowing and tempering the fire.

His tone cooled, even if embers still lingered in the undertones, "--a girl I failed to protect. She was a soldi- a medic in the Defense Force." Dagon's hands went limp to his sides, both halves of the staff in a looser grasp, "We were deployed together on Ossus and my brother was there. He caught our bond and--" his voice declined into a coarse whisper, "--he drew her into my own blade."

Aeris Lashiec