Approved NPC The Nexus Elites

[Darth Morgoth]

(Rights go to CoD Black Ops 2)
Name:The Nexus Elites
Intent: To be the elite task force of The Nexus subfaction of the Red Ravens
Affiliation: The Nexus Subfaction of the Red Ravens
Availability: Rare (There only 9+ The Tierarche at anytime)
Type: Mounted infiltration
Strength: 9
Description: The Elites are the best of the best. They are trained to get in and get out. They move fast hitting there marks with extreme predjudice. The Thrantas they ride are silent and fast. They are arms with weapons designed for extreme precision fighting and are prepared for every situation. In the group that is the best kept secret of the Red Ravens, The Elites are only known to The Tierarche (Lord of The Nexus), Sergeant at Arms and the President and Vice President.

They each are hand picked from the cream of the crop that the The Nexus has to offer. This being said they are then subject to vigorous training in various martial arts, and weapons skills. The training includes 5 Trials that they each must go through.

1. The Trial of The Hunter- The soldier must fight and beat a rabid Tu'kata... with only a knife in hand. This is designed to test the killer instincts of the soldier. Many do not survive this trial as it is to the death.

2. The Trial of Endurance- The Soldier must survive in a hostile enviroment for a month. The enviroment is randomly chosen, and is never the same twice.

3. The Trial of the Mind- The Soldier is locked in a room with no outside contact at all for a month. This trial has been called the most gruelling of them as people have been known to go insane because of it.

4. The Trial of Will- The Soldier must live normal a soldier life on a quarter of the rations usually dolled out, without complaining. This method proved to weed out more then any other Trial they go through, as it leaves no margain for error.

5. The Trial of Life- Having made it through every other Trial the top two canidates compete in this Trial. A fight to the death in a hostile environment with each competitor being allowed to chose there load out.

The only way a member of the elites has ever left was by death.

They are armed with Rhak Shuri Blade for close quarters fighting, leading to their reputation as a a Nightmare to those who live to tell the tale. A Mjonir Plasma bow for longer range combat, and a SIW "Imperator" Blaster Pistol, for those knock down drag out gun fights.

Overall this group is invisible, unseen and to most nothing but an underworld legend, but to those who know them, they are the Devil himself.
Links: Rhak Shuri Blade, SIW "Imperator" Blaster Pistol, Mjonir and the Thrantas are in this contract here

 

[Reverance]

Greetings my friend, I will be reviewing your dudes momentarily.

[member="Darth Morgoth"]

 

[Reverance]

Alright, so the picture is cool...is that someone hanging from one of them drainage grates? Anyway, I'll jump right in:

1. Need you to reference the imagery please. I know it's from call of duty, I think, but I'd like it to be in here somewhere.
2. Availability: The one you listed is actually not one for provided. Please change it to either Common, Uncommon, Rare, or Unique
3. By strength, I assume you mean that there are 9 of them total (and not 9 out of 10)?
4. Description: Gonna need way more for the description. If they are the best of the best, I'd like to see a bit more as to how this is the case. Just saying it isn't enough (how exactly are they trained, what sort of history do they have, what sort of accomplishments). You don't have to do those things specifically, but something like that to help draw out how awesome these dudes are.
5. I'm very okay with your equipment, it's a good mixture that speaks lengths to the specific nature of these dudes. That being said, do you have any sort of links or development with these guys involved?

That's it for now.

[member="Darth Morgoth"]

 

[Darth Morgoth]

[member="Reverance"] Check it out I beefed up description and added the lil changes you wanted. And no as far as I know dev threads are not required for npc's

 

[Reverance]

First things first, could you give this a once or twice over and remove the grammatical/spelling errors?

[member="Darth Morgoth"]

 

[Reverance]

Where do we currently stand on this? Have edits been made?

[member="Darth Morgoth"]

 

[Darth Morgoth]

[member="Reverance"] Having trouble finding the grammatical and spelling issues even ran it through a spell checker

 

[Reverance]

They move fast hitting there marks with extreme predjudice.

- Spelled wrong.

The Elites are only know to The Tierarche (Lord of The Nexus)

- Need an 'n' at the end of the highlighted word

The Sergant at Arms and the President and Vice President.

- Not spelled properly.

They each are hand picked from the cream on the crop <that> the The Nexus has to offer.

- On should be 'of', need 'that' in here as well, though the statement still comes off as awkward.

The Soldier is locked in a room with no outside contact act all for a month

- Wrong word

This method proved to weed out almost more then any other Trial they go through,

- The two words highlighted do not together go. Either it weeds out more than other trials, or it doesn't.

A fight to the death in a hostile enviroment with each competetor being allowed to chose there load out.

- Mispellings

I pretty much left inconsistent capitalization and misuse of the comma alone (for another day ). If these are corrected, I'll be able to move on with the submission.

[member="Darth Morgoth"]

 

[Darth Morgoth]

[member="Reverance"] Done

 

[Reverance]

Thank you for your edits.[member="Darth Morgoth"]. The next judge may ask for more, but I think I have been grammatically sated.

Approved pending secondary.

 

[Valiens Nantaris]

Approved.