The Inbetweens

[Mariel Dawnrider]

The issue was that she didn't know what it all meant to her yet. The comments about how it didn't mean anything were largely a defense of self, rather than a particularly well thought out or well meant position. She needed time to think about it. To figure it all out. And she hadn't gotten the chance to do that yet. So the only solution, until she mulled, was to put it in a particular box and label it 'F O R L A T E R'.

She'd unpack it when she was alone with her thoughts, not now as she leaned her shoulder slightly against his for a moment before straightening back up again. Maybe she'd settle here, where it meant nothing. Maybe it would settle in the camp that joined her grandparents and the holos of the farm from before she was born- real and tangible memories. Or maybe it would be something in between.

She just didn't know yet.

"Thanks Al," she said quietly, meaning it. Just because she didn't want to talk it all out right now, didn't mean she didn't appreciate him for all of it.

"And yeah, I am," she added with a smirk. Maybe it didn't full reach her eyes, but given the circumstances, it would be understandable.

Harper Kade had a lot to chew on.

She stashed the holocron in her pocket again.

"You're not so bad yourself."

She leaned back, stretching her legs out in front of her and closing her eyes for a minute with a sigh before opening them again. She started to shift to stand up.

"I'll let you get back to your lightsaber," she said with a nod.

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

In truth Alden wasn't gonna keep her here, if she wasn't interested in it.

"Feel free to stick around, if you want?" He asked when she started shifting around to rise up and get on her feet. "I doubt I will be doing anything with the 'saber at this point in time."

A shrug followed a moment later.

In essence the lightsaber had just been a thing to busy himself with. Just keep his mind busy with while things were going as they were. He could keep it clean a thousand times and that would have the same reaction as far as he was concerned. This... situation was difficult. His family was 'away', as was hers. They had no idea if they were holding up okay.

Maybe they were fine!

Or maybe they weren't. That was the problem with having a whole Galaxy in front of you. "I am just... exhausted at this point." And that wasn't about not having enough sleep at this point.

It was about something deeper.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

She didn't need him to say why. She knew. Partly because it was obvious- they were in the same boat, after Dellalt. But partly through the empathy she could never really completely turn off. He'd been the first person she'd actively worked to dampen it with, and she could do that with individuals she spent enough time around- it felt like eaves dropping, after all, and it was too easy to settle into a habit of the other person never needing to tell her what they were feeling because she already knew. And that wasn't good for anyone.

He was worried about his family, the same way she was.

She didn't have a monopoly on those emotions.

It would be easy to try to claim that. That her worry was greater, more real- after all, Alden had left. Moved on. If this had been that year right after.... she might have gone down that road. While they had parted as friends, there had been bitterness at the time. Unfair, but real. She had grown through it and out of it a long time ago, but she remembered. And saw just how easily this moment could devolve into that.

Instead of getting up, she settled back again with a nod.

"I'm not going to stay for long," she said. "I think we both need sleep."

Which was true, but it was also a good ward for potential awkwardness.

So far all they both knew was that the locations their families had meant to go to.... they had never arrived there. There were so many reasons that might have happened. And since they were not there either, it could be as simple as both sides looking while the other was just around the corner.

The fear of course, was that it was not.

"Wanna talk about it?"

She knew what he was feeling. But that didn't mean it was any good to him.

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

"Ain't that the truth." Alden agreed softly as she settled back next to him and this time he did wrap his arm around her shoulder absently. "Um. I am unsure, to be honest?" It was easy to be good and nice to other people.

Harder to figure out what was best for you though.

And then even more difficult to somehow translate that into letting others help you with it. "Seems like all I have been doing these past few weeks is think about them, worry, search... maybe I need to push that out of the way for a bit?" Or maybe Alden had to deal with it and make some sort of peace with it? He didn't really know what to do about all of this.

She had always been more in tune with this sort of thing.

"I just... wish things were easier." He scratched his jaw, not looking at her. "I imagined all of this differently."

Yes, Alden always looked at the bright side. But that didn't mean that he didn't know what they were in. Both of them. Whenever he had mused about them going out on an adventure together?

It had never been like this.

"Most of this sucks." Frank, blunt and to the point, that was Alden for ya.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

When he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, she leaned into him for a moment, treating it more like a side hug before sitting back up straight.

For a time, when they were younger, it had been easy to get caught up in his musings about adventure. The idea of traveling the galaxy, always something new. Oh, she'd never wanted it the same way he did, but when he got really into it, really excited, it was impossible to not get swept up a little. But in the end, Harper had always, even when day dreaming, come back down to Dellalt. At the end of any pretend adventure, in her head? He'd go on to the next thing from the last. But Harper?

She always went home when it was over.

This wasn't what either of them had ever imagined. And in that moment her chest ached, knowing that, instead of Dellalt, they were going somewhere else instead.

"I don't know if pushing it away helps, Al," she said quietly. She tipped her head back against the bunk, looking up at the ceiling.

"Burying it won't change it. Pretending we're not scared won't make us not scared. I think that's one of the problems with the old understandings. Something Bethany said the first time we talked."

She didn't reach for the holocron, but she knew it was there.

"No emotion, only peace," she quoted. "But that's wrong. There was an older version, she said. 'Emotion, yet peace.' I don't think pretending we aren't going through what we are is helpful. I think.... it's a good way to end up going down a bad path."

A kernel of an idea. Too young yet, but settled against the want to make it easier for him. To find a way. It would only be later, mulling over it alone, that she'd pull it forward and look it over, examine it. And decide.

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

"Emotion... yet peace." Alden repeated after her softly and nodded. "I think it shows how even the wisest lessons can be warped over time." How did that go, Belmont mused to himself?

How did the Jedi Order go from accepting emotion and learning to live with it in peace. To deciding that emotions had to be purged completely? Had it been the rise of the Sith and their own dedication to 'passion'? Or was there more to it? There were so many gaps in their knowledge. Maybe Bethany knew answers to them, answers that his own Master at the Academy hadn't know.

Because holocrons from Pre-Gulag were increasingly more rare.

The oldest and most powerful locked away by unknown figures, some destroyed, others stolen, some worshiped without actually doing anything of use with them. "But how do you accept the emotions without letting it overwhelm you? Shape you into exactly the thing you are trying to avoid?" He shrugged softly. "Emotions are powerful things, I don't want to become something I am not, you know?"

How many were guided by emotions they didn't even know where there though?

Weren't it those subconscious things that pushed him forward already?

"I miss them." Tone softer now.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

Harper shrugged helplessly, the weight of his arm against her shoulders rising and falling as she did.

"I don't know Al," she said, tone as useless as the gesture had been. "Maybe that's why they changed it. It seems.... like a tall order, I know. Maybe too tall."

The last line cut through her like a knife. Not just the words but the emotions that went with them. Harper was used to her family being there, always. Every day, working side by side. He'd left, gone to the Jedi, so while he'd had a chance to get used to life without them, he had a different burden to bear. The wonder that if he hadn't gone, or if he'd come back sooner, if things might have gone differently. She didn't know for sure that was what was settled there, at the base of those roiling emotions. But it wouldn't surprise her if it was. It would be, in fact, a fairly normal reaction. The what-ifs were always worse than the well-justs. She had no choices that might have led to regret in this situation- sure there were things she wondered if they could have gone differently, but she knew without a doubt that she had done everything she could.

"I miss them too," she answered softly.

Slowly, she leaned against him, tipping her head against his shoulder. They'd grown up together- had known each other before they could walk. His parents were like an extra set for her, and vice versa. They'd both been there for the other's siblings.

"We've got each other, there's that, right?" she asked, reaching out with her other hand to lace her fingers into his.

There was no heat in the embrace. Just comfort.

"If they're together, you know they're taking care of each other too."

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

His head leaned softly against hers.

Fingers laced together and Alden sighed.

[member="Harper Kade"] was on the money when it came to (at least part) of his roiling emotions. It was a sense of guilt and responsibility, knowing that if he had arrived sooner or never left at all that things could have been different in one way or another. Or maybe it would have been the same anyway. The thought that the Academy had thought him valuable lessons on how to help people kinda became useless... when Harper had stayed home and been just as effective (if not more so) than him without the training.

So why had he joined the Academy?

What purpose did it have, besides separating him from the people he loved for years?

"Yeah, we do. I know we left things... odd. It has been years, Harp, but you are my best friend. Then and now." In truth Alden didn't think about any of the romantic entanglements now. Maybe when things weren't this messed up, when life wasn't throwing them one wrench after another.

Right now he just wanted a friend.

"Mhm, they are. Can't imagine my da letting yours outta his sight- who would he discuss the podracer games with otherwise?" Small attempt at a joke. Both their fathers had been obsessed with it.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

Harper made a sound in her throat. It could have been a lot of things, but in this case, it was a snorting disbelief.

"We were teenagers, Al. Everything was weird. Never doubted you were my friend. And that I was yours."

She sighed. She was long past that, in truth. They'd parted awkward but friends. Was there any other way to part? They'd been each other's first everythings, with nothing else to compare it to. It had felt like the galaxy collapsing in on itself at the time. With age and distance had come better understanding, acceptance- but also the knowledge that they had both done what was right for themselves. She didn't look back at that time with 'what ifs.' Just with memory.

"You missed a lot. Those two had a falling out for awhile. It was the weirdest thing. Acting like ten year olds. Curt nods in public. They got over it when our moms sat them down and locked our kitchen door till they talked to each other. That was.... I guess a year after you left? Never knew what the fight was about. Once they figured it out it was like nothing had ever happened."

A chuckle and then- "Neela and Jari kissed. Then Neela punched him. He was okay, but she gave him a fat lip. She came by later to apologize. Apparently she 'panicked'. We were all ready to give Jari a firm talking to, but she kissed him. Then punched him. They are also friends again."

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

Alden snorted.

"Neela has always been a spitfire- do first, think later, then the apologies come around." A shake of the head, more wistful than anything else. The smile a little bit later showed that he didn't have any negative feelings about her. "Think I should apologize too though, I taught her how to throw out a punch, remember?" No regrets there either though.

Everyone should be able to defend themselves.

That was one thing that he had always believed in- even if he disliked violence itself. "Good punch?" A smirk followed soon after. "That's my Neela." From all his siblings Alden had been closest to her.

Which was sorta weird considering they were basically polar opposites, but that is just how it went.

"Guessing you had quite the number of suitors after I took off." A bit more quiet now. There was no accusation there- neither in the mind nor the voice, but to say that Alden was curious was an understatement of the century. They had parted awkwardly, but okay. As friends. That didn't mean there hadn't been any residual feelings left and it didn't mean that some of them hadn't slowly crawled up again.

When he had first saw her again.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

Harper chuckled and shook her head. "Just like you to offer to apologize for something you didn't do. Nah, they handled it. I wasn't there to see the punch, but it was mostly luck that she didn't knock out a tooth so yeah, I'd say it was a good punch. Poor Jari though. He was a good sport about it, but he was so confused when he got home after that."

The look on his face, more befuddlement than hurt.

The conversation shifted from family to.... something else... in a heart beat.

Now here was a topic she hadn't intended to bring up any time soon. Not because it was a secret, just because it was weird, and they were still reconnecting, feeling each other out after so many years apart.

"Wouldn't say they were breaking down the door or anything." She said with a shrug, keeping her tone neutral. She debated for a moment, leaving it at that. But better now.

She hadn't waited for him. That had never been something he'd asked, and if he had, she would have told him exactly how unfair that was.

"Just two."

One had been short, just a handful of dates before it was clear that he was very much not what she wanted from a partner. Nice enough, but also with big dreams of leaving Dellalt and she wasn't about to do that again. The other had lasted longer. Almost two years. But, as she knew all too well, things changed. People changed.

"What about you?" She asked, quirking a brow curiously. It wasn't like the order he had studied with was a celibate one, after all.

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

Alden nodded.

It didn't surprise him- he hadn't been expecting to hear about dozens upon dozens of dates, suitors and relationships. That hadn't been Harper's style. No, she had always been cautious about the heart, not picky but... there were things she needed (Harp knew her heart) and had always been good at sussing out just what the other person was about.

Compatibility and all that.

But people changed and Alden had been interested to see if there was change here too. "Alright." It was. Belmont didn't ask her to wait for him, because that would have been... unfair? Yes, but also unrealistic. In truth the young lad didn't expect to return. Not really.

"Oh-" Alden coughed awkwardly at the return question.

It was only fair to ask, he supposed.

"Um." A scratch of the neck as he thought about the answer to it. "No, not really... no." Truth there too. "I uh, was occupied with my studies honestly." That wasn't the whole truth.

The safest in the moment though.

"Tried a cup of coffee with a really nice girl, but..." A shrug. "I couldn't be what she wanted me to be. So I left it at that cup of coffee." Another cough. But that was the thing with Alden. He never led people on. That just didn't seem right when both parties were trying to do their best to make something work. Doubt was okay, but once you knew in your hearts of hearts?

You owed it to them to be clear about your intentions.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

She almost fell over from the wave of awkward.

Okay maybe not that bad, but it was strong and she was honestly a little surprised at both his emotional response and his answer. She didn't comment on the feelings waving off of him- that was rude in this case.

Honestly it was rude to comment on what he said either. Harper wasn't often someone who worried about 'rude' and 'polite'. Normally, she just spoke her mind and that was that. But this conversation was a little more fraught. He hadn't poked at hers, so she gave him the same in return. It was a weird place, a weird dance. They knew each other, so well- but had done so much of their growing up apart. When they'd parted, she'd thought of course that part was already past. Didn't most teenagers? But she knew better now. They'd both grown as much since they had parted as they had in the entire time they'd known each other before that point.

"Yeah I imagine you were pretty busy," she said with a smile, and left it at that.

A pause and then, "What was it like? Was it what you expected it to be?"

Genuine curiosity in her voice. She hoped that it had been everything he'd wanted and more.

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

In truth Alden hadn't expected to feel that sort of awkwardness himself.

It wasn't really like him?

But when it came to Harper.... things were complicated. More complicated than he actually thought it would be- the first few years, Alden still had a torch with him, carrying it around wherever he went. The more years passed, the more it faded and by the end of it Belmont had figured it over. Then they stumbled onto one another during a gorram crisis and things... well.

There hadn't been any time or room to poke at the feelings. Then Alderaan. Same story. Now this- this was really the first time they settled down to talk. "It was..." The transition to the next subject helped.

He squeezed her hand in thanks before thinking about it.

"More. Less. Than I expected it to be- the first few years was as you would expect... books, books and more books. Practical information, engineering, you know the 'good' stuff to build up a foundation." A shrug followed. "Either way- none of it really mattered once you find yourself in the middle of real stuff. All those lessons get thrown out of the window once it concerns the people you love."

Alden sighed softly before looking back at her, meeting her eye.

"How about you? Dellalt always seemed the place for you- never any doubts about that in the following years?"

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

She wasn't sure she understood what he meant, not all of it. How him training for it hadn't actually.... help him? That made no sense to her. Harper hadn't really noticed, in either moment, him being as a loss. As far as she was concerned, they'd done what they had to do and that was that. Figure out the problem. Figure out the solution. Solve it. Repeat as necessary. Just.... get it done.

She squeezed back reflexively, barely noticing she was doing it.

"Dellalt was.... Dellalt," she said with a shrug. "It was everything I'd always wanted."

He knew that. Some things hadn't changed.

"I love.... loved the farm, the community. Having my family all around."

Her tone was wistful, a little tight. But there was no hint of regret. There had been times that decision had been hard, yes. No choice was every easy, all the time. But it had never been something she had entertained serious 'what ifs' about. She'd never doubted she'd made the right choice for her.

"Deciding to leave with the Empire coming in was the hardest decision my family ever made- that I can remember anyway. But we knew that no matter what we'd all then at least still be....."

She trailed off, her throat tightening. That word, saying 'together' there, in this moment, was just too hard.

"Sometimes things don't work out the way we hope."

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

His lack of understanding hadn't changed after all those years.

While the Academy hadn't been exactly what he had thought it would be? The act of staying in one place... one village... one farm for the rest of your life? That sounded like something of a personal hell for Alden, but there was one thing that had changed. He didn't try to convince her of his own path nor did he argue about hers anymore. This time the squeeze of the hands happened for her sake, as his head leaned gently against hers as best as he could.

"I know, Harp, I... know." Alden murmured, while wrapping his arm around her shoulder again and pulling her a little bit closer. "We will find them."

That was said resolutely.

As an empath Harper would feel his conviction at that. For a brief moment he wasn't a young awkward lad who had lost everything alongside her, plagued by doubts. He was a Jedi Knight and Alden made a promise in that, a promise of commitment.

They would find them.

This he believed with all of his core in that moment.

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

There was a difference between believing that he meant what he said.

And in believing that what he said would be true.

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Al," she said softly. Her head tipped down, side of her face against his shoulder as she closed her eyes.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do.... but just...."

Hope.

That was Alden's thing. It always had been. It probably always would be.

Harper was more pragmatic. One foot in front of the other. The next task, the next job, break it down one thing at a time. Hope for the best yes, but plan for the worst. There could always be a season too dry or rains too long and it would wipe out a crop. She wasn't a pessimist, just a realist. And false hope, no matter how kindly meant, wasn't helpful.

"I can't."

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

He didn't respond.

What was there to say?

That had always been the prime difference between the two of them. Alden had always been led by hope, by thought and dreams, while Harper had always been the realist of the two. Her words cowed his spirit- put a dent in it and pushed it down a touch. It was difficult not to... after all, he thought the world of her even now and her opinion meant so much to him.

But it wasn't extinguished entirely.

There, deep in the core, there was a stubborn flame that kept burning. It said: they would find them and that was the end of that. Instead Alden kept close to her and offered what he could in that moment.

It wasn't much.

But what more was there to do?

 

[Mariel Dawnrider]

They stayed there like that for a time. Nothing to say. No need to say anything really. Both exhausted, both just needing that shoulder to lean on. Everything else they needed was different from what the other did, but this at least they could do for each other. It might not have seemed like a lot, but for two who had lost everything else, to have this link meant something.

Finally, Harper sighed and levered herself up, leaving the warmth of the curve of his arm around her shoulders.

"Gonna try to get some sleep," she said, glancing over at him. She didn't get up fully yet, just leaning forward, arms going around her knees.

"We'll need it. I know we're heading into a mess."

The fall of the Empire of the Ancient Eye sent ripples that had drawn the attention of.... their leader? What, exactly, was [member="Ember Farseer"] to them? Right now it didn't matter too much. He was a friend, and ally. Harper didn't know what this idea of fellowship would bring, where it would lead them all. But it came at a time where she needed that feeling of belonging. Oh, it wasn't there yet, but the seeds of it were. It just needed to be nurtured.

She leaned over, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before moving to stand.

"You should do the same if you can."

[member="Alden Belmont"]

 

[Jairus Starvald]

[member="Harper Kade"]

Alden nodded carefully.

His hand went to the spot where she had kissed him- it hadn't been more than a light peck, really nothing compared to the past, but it still made his cheeks burn just a little bit with a flush. "Yeah... yeah, probably a good idea." He rose up with her, but before Harper had a chance to leave he stepped in. "Hey-" then, eye contact for permission, he'd pull her in for a hug.

Leaning was one thing, hug was another.

A brief nuzzle against her nose and there was that awkward moment as his attention slipped briefly to her lips again. But Alden didn't move in for a kiss or even attempt to get permission for one.

It was distracting, yes, the flush now going to his neck too.

But this wasn't the right time or place. "I am glad we are together in this, Harp, I wish things weren't as... yeah. But I am glad we got each other." A soft peck on her cheek and then Alden let her go. A nod, maybe a squeeze of the hands, before Al sighed and stretched just a bit. The exhaustion suddenly caught him off-guard, it had been held at bay, but now it was suddenly here.

"Sleep sounds good, I will catch ya tomorrow, Harp. Thanks for stopping by."