@[member="Madeline Kahoshi"]
__________________
I should have expected the strength of her reaction. Her blue eyes brimming with tears, she gave a shuddering sigh, venting her anger and frustration. Her ability to feel was astounding -- it was both her greatest strength and her greatest weakness.
"I do not know the full story," she began after a pause, "and it did not start with this Emperor. Not at all." She sighed again. "I'm sure you are aware of the history of this Empire, it started with the rise of the Galactic Empire, after the Republic fell during the clone wars. Palpatine took over, and he felt very threatened by the remaining Jedi in the galaxy and sought to have them destroyed or brought under his control."
She was right. I did know all this -- I had learned it as a part of my 'conditioning', those many months ago. Dr. Kahoshi hadn't been present for those sessions.
The Emperor, perhaps the most powerful Sith to ever have lived, used his considerable might to destroy the ancient Jedi Order and seize control of every Force-Adept born in the galaxy. Some he killed...
most, he killed, but those few he judged worthy were made into his Inquisitors. They were traitors to their kind -- murderers, or converters, of their fellow Force-Adepts.
That's what I was. A traitor. I should've felt some sort of guilt at that realization, but the emotion was absent. Instead, I felt relief. Better I be the sword against my own kind than a true zealot. I granted the Force-adepts I faced with a clean death, if I even deigned to kill them at all. Others, I knew, would not be so merciful.
"We are a microcosm of that same Empire, cut off during the plague and maintained our government and independence. Just as wary of force users as ever. Its not just the Emperor, it's the people. We've all been raised to fear those with the force, to protect ourselves. Even I still get nervous around Sith and Jedi."
I almost laughed. What did she think I was?
"Before Emperor Kahoshi, there was Moff Shu, and he was rather fanatic about it, more so than anyone else I've ever known. He feared them so much that he never left his home, always guarded by the people he trusted most. To the point he would only deal with the force users by proxy. I never know what happen to them, most disappear never to be seen from again."
To serve the Inquisition, I thought silently.
"And ... I don't ask about it. It's not my place. Moff Shu was horrible, a horrid man -- always pressured me into more dangerous projects. Each more frightening and terrifying than the last... but I had no choice. I didn't own my company as I do now, I was recruited as a military scientist ... and ..." Her eyes clenched shut. "Everything went down hill fast," she began again, her voice tremulous, "after he seemed to learn just how skilled I was... he could ask for it and I could make it given time."
Was 'it' the substance she had mentioned previously? Her eyes fell to the floor, and fear swam to the forefront of her mind, fear of such magnitude I was breathless. Why was she so afraid? I latched onto the feeling, studied it, the dull, gray echoes wavering in the nether. In that moment, the truth of her fear became apparent.
She was afraid of
me. My eyes widened at the thought. How could she possibly be afraid of me? She had given me life, and in the eyes of the child, the mother was god.
"I created a horrible chemical weapon. I did not know what exactly it was for at the time, I was mostly kept in the dark told only that it was for execution of force users. Single target use only."
Force help me. If anyone had gotten their hands on such a weapon...
The tears glistening in her eyes finally fell, and again her emotions spiked, growing into a bewildering swirl of anger and sadness and self-hatred. I could think of no words to ease her pain. Not with the weight of her revelation heavy on my mind. Mouth set in a grim line, I reached out a hand to pat her shoulder, offering what comfort of could.
"I ... I was a damned fool. An idiot, stupid! I created a chemical specifically keyed to force users..." Her shoulders shook as she held back a sob, breath coming in ragged bursts. "To break them down at the molecular level. It was made to kill people like you. Had I known what I do now, had you then .. I'd never have done it. I've been so stupid... and while I made that, someone developed a way to mass distribute it. I'm so sorry. It's my damn fault. You weren't even here when I made it, hadn't even started your project. I'm sorry, Cronos. I'm so sorry."
I'm a monster.
She rose to her feet and all but ran from the room, her thoughts and emotions a maelstrom a chaos I hadn't the time to decipher. I only knew she wanted to be alone -- her actions spoke loudly, in that regard. I could understand the need to be alone, and I wanted to respect her space, but in my time spent in this very room, I had come to despise it. I would not leave her alone with the weight of her demons weighing against her soul.
What sort of son would I be if I did that?
You aren't a monster, I began, reaching out a hand. Gently, I pulled her back into the room, careful not to add to her fear.
"You destroyed the substance, didn't you? You followed the orders of your superior, and when you realized what you were doing, what you were making, you destroyed it. Those aren't the actions of a monster. The fact that you made it at all is eating you up inside. You feel pain, remorse... guilt. I have seen monsters -- faced them, killed them. They do not feel remorse -- they know nothing of guilt." I paused, drawing in a long, slow breath.
"I forgive you, doctor, even if you can't quite forgive yourself."