The Bottom Of The Ladder

[Connor Harrison]

Of course he knew the code, and what many had to do. He'd never had to do it before... he stopped. Charzon. She had been sent to prison as a prisoner of the Silver Jedi, but Connor betrayed their trust and the orders of the Grandmaster to take matters into his own hands, killing her in cold blood on Korriban and left to rot.

He swallowed in a nervous disposition as Taeli spoke to him of his choices. She was so right, and it was painfully honest to hear. Who the hell was he anymore? He was an embarrassment to his former allies and to former enemies. He was a blip, and he was now even more of a nothing. He'd be forgotten in days. While he wanted to seek out Matsu Xiangu, maybe she too was a pipe dream and too busy doing real conquering and Dark Side business rather than waiting for a loner to turn up.

Connor turned slowly to her, there in her real guise. Fooled him over a number of years, and even been behind numerous incidents that had thrown his life on the line. She was full of real power. She knew who she was. She was everything he wanted to be before.

"I'm all of them. But I don't want to be. I want to be free from the shackles of the Jedi, and the Light. It's...it's blinded me to a point I can't see who I am or what I am doing anymore. I'm so lost, Taeli."

He walked back to her, his eyes almost pleading. He was a Master, once. Now he was nothing.

"I don't want to be just a whisper in the Silver archive when they talk about the fallen one who was doomed from the start, but now forgotten, and I don't want to be alone and to wander. I want it all. I want to have everything. You have to help me. Please. Please help me become that person you know I can be....break the old Connor. Kill him. Make me whole again."

He was begging.

"Please."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"I cannot be the one to kill what is holding you back," Taeli said, walking back to the vials of different potions. She plucked another out, one with a deep violet liquid within, before setting it down in front of Connor. "You have to do that yourself for it to mean anything. I could break your spirit, break your being... but I won't. You have to do the deed yourself, to kill the weakness that is still within you. Only then will you finally know what it means to be whole again."

She would walk to the door now.

"That potion will simulate the effects of a Force vision, not unlike one can experience in a cave on Dagobah," she said. "It will show you your other side, the thing that holds you back. Your deepest fears, before you. Drink that and confront the old Connor. Give yourself permission to destroy him, to embrace what is calling to you... and then you will be whole again. I'll leave you to decide and with some privacy if you decide to take that potion."

The door would slide open, Taeli stepped through, and then close behind her. Connor would be locked inside her office, to face the decision by himself. Taeli knew the man had broken in the old way before, she had seen that from him before, but it had never really been effective. He had never faced the choice so starkly, and in this case, there would be no outside influence on his choice. She had presented him with the tool to take that last plunge. Now to see if he would take it.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor looked at the vial, eyes moving from that to Taeli as she spoke. Back to the vial. This was a key to helping break down some of those barriers. To knock down the wall he'd built up around his head and heart for years in the service of the Light. He nodded to himself.

Turning to watch her leave, Connor stared at her once the door locked. He had to take a step forward, for he had nothing. Carefully, he placed the potion down and unclipped his cloak and laid it over the chair. Perching on the desk, he next pulled off his boots, unclipped his three belts, removed them all and his trousers. Next, his tunic, pulling it up and over and laying it down also. The saber hilt clanked on the ground. The former Jedi took a single deep breath as he stood in nothing but his underwear and fingered the vial.

"I am one with the Force," he muttered, "and the Force is with me."

He unscrewed the cap, and necked the whole potion in one and tossed the glass vial to the desk and walked around to the large viewport that looked out into the void of space, dotted with the planet below and slow moving ships.

"Trust the Force, Connor.

Connor's blue eyes moved the side at the voice. His voice.

"Trust the Force."

Turning to see who was in the room, he was looking at himself in his old Knight tunic. Robes, armour and free of scars.

"You're...me."

"No, Connor," the vision spoke, walking to him, "I am what you could have been. Wise. Powerful. Selfless. A hero."

Connor narrowed his eyes and let out a hiss of air, his chest already starting to swell, the hairs pricking on his neck like a wild animal rearing to attack.

"Serving the Light and leading others with hope. Just what they needed from you. But you let them down. You're a coward, Connor. A coward." The face before him morphed into Corvus Raaf. Connor nearly chocked on a small cry. "You were weak when we met, and weaker when I left. You never made a choice. Always following in my shadow. Serving the Light? You were always hiding in the dark."

Connor stepped to the vision of Corvus and shook his head. "I loved you. I would have done..."

Corvus turned away and let out a laugh. "You were never good enough to love me. All you know is how to love yourself. You're a failure, Connor." The vision of Corvus morphed back into his own face, and turned. "You have nothing left."

With a shudder of his body, cold sweat forming on his head, Connor lunged forward to grab the vision and threw it forcefully across into the view-port window, causing it to crack, and the figure slump to their knees. Connor seethed and ran over, and kneed the vision of himself in the face, resulting in a sharp crack of the back of the head into the glass.

"ENOUGH!" He let out a cry, and picked up the vision, smiling at him through a bloodied face. "I hate you! I HATE YOU!" Connor felt anger rise up to his fingers, and he squeezed the neck of the vision tighter and tighter. It vanished before him.

Gasping, feeling his whole body shake, Connor span around, looking for it in the dark room. A figure stepped forward, holding a hand out. It was Corvus. The window behind them started to splinter rapidly.

"Connor...come back to the Light...please...they need you...."

He stood his ground as the vision came closer. The cracking got louder.

"...let them surround you with love and support...I'll come back...I miss us..."

Connor closed his eyes as a cry came from him. A painful cry of something he had lost; she was never coming back. They were never going to help him. Tears leaked from his eyes; water and blood from the deranged tear duct.

"...trust the Force...you COWARD. YOU WEAK, EMBARRASSING JOKE!" The stinging voice of Connor was back and the vision was his Light self.

The glass cracked and shattered, sucking everything from inside the office. The desk, the holocrons, even brick. Anything loose. His belongings. His saber. Everything but the man and his vision in the middle of the whirl of suction.

"Goodbye Connor," the former Silver Jedi said behind a resolved face streaked with tears and blood.

The vision let out a laugh and dissolved before him into the wild pull of gravity. Facing the shattered window, but rooted to the spot, Connor closed his eyes dug deep down into his soul and let the darkness crawl up his skin. The spidery legs crawled over his near naked body from the ground up and it made him feel stronger and fearless.

As it submerged him, he collapsed, face first, onto the floor.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

She gave it some time, listening to the cries and yells coming from Connor... and she allowed herself a smile. He had taken the potion, decided to confront his weakness. Excellent. She would wait until his yells had faded to nothing before re-entering her office. Connor was lying face first on the floor, breathing hard. The rest of her office showed signs of his inner struggle, but nothing too damaging had been done. Her holocrons were glowing softly on their plinth, aware of the darkness that was in the room. She was curious why he felt the need to strip out of his trousers and tunic, but wasn't about to question the methods Connor was going to take to achieve his vision.

Soft heeled boots would click on the floor as she made her to the prone man, bending down to his level.

"Visions can always take their toll on the body," she would say quietly. "The deepest and darkest parts of our souls laid bare, images of those we loved and lost... quite draining really. So tell me, Connor, did you find the answer you were looking for? Did you finally become whole?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

As if waking from a workout that lasted hours, Connor felt exhausted and drained. Brought back to the now with Taeli back in the room, he slowly lifted up and rested on his knees. His hair was dangling over his brow, unkempt and damp. His face a little more flush. He looked up at her and nodded, very slightly.

"A little. I think so. Yes. Seems affairs of the heart are my strongest chain."

He stood, wincing a little and made his way to her desk and perched on the end, hands on thighs.

"She was there. And voices, friends. There really is nothing left for me."

The sweat on his body was evident, his muscles trembling slightly. It was a like a whole body shock had taken place, a nightmare he lived. He turned and looked to his clothing, before glancing back and chuckling.

"They are part of his life. I need a little modification to make them mine, so they don't cling to me like wire."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

Affairs of the heart were his greatest chain... made sense. He had always been like butterfly, flitting to loved one to loved one, but he always kept memories of everyone. Those memories could be just as oppressive as any chain forged by the Jedi, pulling one down and controlling them. They could especially do that if Connor felt he had let down those loved ones, thinking that holding their memory within him might be some way to keep them close or redeem his standing in their eyes.

"We'll get you a new wardrobe," Taeli said, dismissively, walking around to her chair. She was much more interested in the vision he had, and whether or not he had actually killed the weakness within his heart and soul. That was infinitely more interesting. "Anything you need or desire will be provided for you, in that regard. Now though, tell me about what you experienced. Can you hear the dark side calling to you more now? Whispering of the power it offers?"

 

[Connor Harrison]

Rubbing his eyes slowly, Connor spoke.

"I just heard – saw – me, baiting me to what I could have become. And Corvus. She’s always been there, and she never goes away. I wish she would. I don’t know what I need to do to get rid of her."

He looked up.

"It’s there. It’s always been there, talking to me. There’s just always been so much other noise to drown it out that I lose sight of where it is. When it goes quiet, it emerges, and then so much else happens to bury it." Connor dragged his trousers and belts up, and started to dress. "I need to go back."

He made sure the belts were tight, and stretched out, limbering his neck and arms, looking at Taeli standing there.

"I need to go to Voss and sever what remains of my attachment to them. It’s the only way I can be free."

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"Then, before you leave, I need to make sure this place does not come up," Taeli said, opening a drawer in her desk and removing a metal tipped stele. "As I'm sure you can guess, I would rather not have anything of this place or what I am... lingering where it shouldn't be. So, to that end, I can either place a small temporary Sith rune on you that would prevent you from saying anything about this place. Or I can put a memory rub in place, and wipe your memory of this location and my identity. I would recommend the former, as the later has a bit more... permanency about it."

She wasn't surprised that he felt he needed to go back, it was his home after all. One had to sever that connection, the last connection to their old life, before moving on to something greater. She had a feeling he was going to do something else there, the man was still reckless after all, and she had to protect herself.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Picking up his top mid-sentence, he stopped and looked over at what she was proposing. Holding his tunic in one hand he stepped back, holding his other hand out.

"No, no, none of that," he said gently. "You know me. You know I won’t say anything of this place, or of your identity. Trust goes both ways you know. I trust you to help me find my calling, so you trust me to keep your secret safe."

A memory wipe was the last thing he wanted. He stopped.

"I’ll come back. I promise, when it’s been done, and I’ll bring you more information on the Silvers and the shadow unit I command. Well, commanded."

Would she believe him? Hopefully. Probably not. He wasn’t going to assume anything from her anymore.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"And if you get captured and subjected to a mind probe?" she asked, tapping the stele on the desk. "I did not get where I am by being reckless and risking exposure, Connor Harrison. While I may trust you, to some extent anyways, it doesn't mean I'm going to let you leave this station without some sort of way to protect myself that I know will keep my secret where it belongs. The rune I would place would hide the memory while you are on Voss, making it impossible for someone to extract it or for your voice to say anything about it, but you would still remember it."

She wasn't about to take no for an answer. She had to be cautious and with him wanting to go back to a planet full of Jedi that had just banished him, she wasn't going to take the chance. Too much work had been done to possibly be damaged by anything happening to him on Voss.

 

[Connor Harrison]

He didn’t her attitude one bit. He’d come looking for an ally, the old Taeli and…well, that was it…this wasn’t the old Taeli. He didn’t even know who the hell she was now. Arcanix? Taeli? Both – who was who?

She had a point though – maybe one day he’d be in a similar position?

"Fine. The rune." He didn’t move to her. "Then we’ll just see if I come back at all. Don’t want to disrupt your little operation do I, not old liable Connor Harrison."

Face set in stone, Connor snatched the empty vial of potion he’d drunk and threw it, letting it smash quietly against the window.

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"It's not just you," Taeli said, applying the small rune to the back of his hand. The rune itself would sink down into his skin, disappearing completely from sight as she applied it. "You should ask Eldaah one day what she has to stop her from possibly revealing anything if she gets captured or boxed in. So you can cut the attitude, Connor Harrison, or whatever it is you're feeling about my precautions. There it's done, no harm to your memory as you can still recall everything that took place today. You just can't talk about it or remember it with anyone radiating the light side of the Force."

Honestly, he might be trying to change into something more... but he was still frustrating in his way. Some people didn't take risks, and he should know by now that she would never take risks without analyzing everything first. The fact he was on a secret space station, in the middle of uncharted Wild Space and having been shuttled there by Aurora, on a highly restricted level, should speak volumes about her ideas about keeping secrets safe.

 

[Connor Harrison]

Looking a bit worried at the process as Taeli made the rune literally sink into his skin, Connor looked shocked and pulled his hand back, inspecting the skin. No break, no lump. It was a bit sickening, thinking that was inside him, or some manifestation of it?

He shook the hand, but felt nothing.

"Point taken. I take it you can get the run out after, right? Don’t fancy having a puzzle piece floating around my innards forever."

Connor threw on his tunic, tucking it into the belts and scooping up his weapon and his cloak, keeping it over his arm.

"Well. Thanks for the drink, and the tour. It helped, in some way, and I know what I need to do And, after this, hopefully I’ll see you again."

He gave her a small smile. Inside, he knew he was disappointing her, and probably wasting her time, but she was more important to him than she’d probably care for or even want to be associated with.

"Until next time, Lady Arcanix." Connor said, before lowering his head and turning to leave. He made it across the way before turning once more. "They’ll take me back to Erilnar, right?"

[member="Taeli Raaf"]

 

[Taeli Raaf]

[member="Connor Harrison"]

"It will fade by itself after a few days, it's only a temporary rune," she said, sitting back at her desk. "And yes, they'll take you back to Erilnar, to that hunk of Inquisition junk you call a ship. I do hope, when next I see you, that you will have broken your chains and be made whole again. Until then..."

It was a dismissal of sorts, but he had work to do on discovering his true potential and she wasn't going to delay him from that with any niceties. She would go back to reading something on her datapad, her thoughts centered on what he might get up to Voss. Knowing him as she did, he likely would do something dangerous.