Teach Me To Live; Give Me The Strength To Try

[Connor Harrison]

Eyes were closed, hands laced, breathing steady.

”Mhm. I’ll look into it. Find somewhere. Everyone else seems to go for breaks and retreats. I’m in need of some holiday time soon.”

He could have laid there for ever with the feather-light touch of Kyra stroking his hair, teasing his brow. It was so relaxing, physically and mentally. He felt himself dip in and out of sleep, but was aware of it all.

”We will have a nice dinner tonight. Make up for yesterday…you being stubborn.”

He sighed gently, and smiled. Just had to relax, and he was doing so thanks to her and the tranquil surroundings.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra frowned, but not once did her hand cease as she stroked his hair.

"You're welcome to all the time you need in the Galaxy for yourself, Connor... No one can try to take that right from you."

It upset her to have this sort of insight into his mindset; the idea that everyone else decided what was best for him. No, that was wrong. Only he knew what he needed, and only he could decide when he was welcome to some time away. He was not a slave, he did not belong to anybody, he was his own person and his autonomy trumped everything else.

She leaned in and kissed his temple, sighing to herself. Truly she had forgotten that they did not eat the night before, what a bad host she had been.

"Whatever you wish, Sweetie..."

Her voice remained quiet, barely above a murmur. It wasn't her place to disturb his peace.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Although he wasn’t asleep, he felt like he was, but could feel the flicks of hair from her head tickling him as she gave him a gentle kiss. He shifted slightly, getting more comfy as he just lay there peacefully. Thoughts of spicy food and bread and rice entered his head. And Blue Milk. Cold. Goodness he had forsaken all the little pleasures recently, like eating and drinking. The small things.

”You know,” he muttered,”I can feel you prodding my mind with the Force. I know you can’t help it, but it’s your empathic nature. You’re very strong in that aspect.”

One eye opened.

”Ever wonder what you’ll find if you look inside my head?”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She watched as he nestled down into the bed, finding his comfy spot, and smiled. It was nice to see him truly relaxed for once, to allow himself to let go if only for a little while.

"I'd never ask or try to see into your mind" she replied, calmly; such was not right to her, everyone had their right to privacy and she would never even presume she had need to intrude on such.

He still seemed very adamant in her Force abilities, but Kyra - despite what had happened earlier, and what happened in the junkyard all those years ago - still doubted it. Perhaps it was simply that she was happy in her blissful unawareness of the Force.

After all, so many of the Galaxy's misgivings came from the struggle of Forcies. Their presumption that the Galaxy was theirs to fight over.

"But I do wish I could ease it, to make you feel better."

She had no doubt of the turmoil he must have felt on a daily basis, the strain from all the responsibilities forced upon him.

He really did need some time away.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He still looked at her, that wise-cracking look on his face through one eye. It amused him, that neutral, peaceful and caring demeanour about Kyra that she never let slip. The peacemaker. She was stubborn, but for all the right reasons.

”Go on. Try. I’m telling you to. Have a look. See what you can find.”

He took his hand and guided hers, placing it on his brow. He smiled at the touch of her on his skin, cool and gentle.

”I’m not asking you to change the world or anything, just…have a look.”

Connor smiled.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Tentatively she brushed her fingers against his brow when he took her hand and guided it there. Her lip was drawn between her teeth with trepidation, a slight tremor to her hand. Was he testing her?

His smile was calm, encouraging even, leading her to believe that he was being sincere.

"Shouldn't... Shouldn't you be resting?" she inquired, trying to turn the subject elsewhere.

But she knew that she was simply stalling the inevitable.

"I don't know how..." This time her voice was even quieter than usual, as if admitting her own misgivings was a sign of weakness. Her fingers caressed his forehead, eyes settling upon his.

Was he sure about this?

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

”Go on. I trust you. I’m not telling you to do anything destructive or intrusive – I’m just going to lay here and close my eyes.”

And so he closed his eye, took his hand away and exhaled, his lips curled up slightly.

”One thing you lack, Kyra Sol, is confidence in yourself and your ability. Be it the one you were born with or ones you acquire. Trust yourself. Trust in what you can do, and do it. Not for violence, or war or anything – just for emotive, understanding and knowledge.”
He started to tap his fingers gently atop each other.

”You won’t hurt me, and who knows, you may find something you like or something you don’t. But you’ll glimpse me, and that’s who I am. I trust you.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra said nothing.

With a very subtle nod of her head she closed her eyes and pressed the palm of her hand against his brow as gently as she could; she didn't want him aware of her hand being there, she didn't want to break his tranquility.

Inhaling slowly she calmed her racing pulse, and scrunched up her face a little in focus. She tried to come to grips with what had to be done, he wanted her to see into his mind, into the very core of his being, and that wasn't something she felt comfortable with.

But by now he was insisting.

So she cleansed her mind of all her discomfort, and slowly prodded first her own and then tried to extend out to his. It was very slow going, and perspiration settled upon her brow throughout her attempts.

Whether or not she made any headway she wasn't certain of, but she tried. Because she would do anything he asked of her.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Beneath her palm, Connor felt nothing except the small spasm of her muscles. He picked up how much she was trying, almost like she was pushing everything she could think about through her hand into his head.

Squinting, he saw her face scrunched and her lips tight. She was trying, bless her. But, to be fair, he couldn’t help himself.

With a gasp, he jumped and shouted, pushing at the side of his head!

”AHHHHHH I CAN SEE EVERYTHING IN THE STARS! WHAT DID YOU DO?!”

He laughed more at the sight of her face, and soon covered his face as a real belly laugh came up, and he shook his head knowing she would be mad! Laughing at his own stupidity and her reaction, Connor fumbled for her hand again and propped himself up on his elbow.

”Aww honey! Kyra, I’m sorry – I couldn’t help it….haha! Come on…try again. You’re thinking too much and nothing is flowing. Don’t try so hard. Just…do it.”

He pushed his lips tighter to suppress a laugh again.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Nothing, nothing, and then...

Kyra jumped out of her skin as Connor began to scream, her hand immediately pulled back and she all but fell from the bed. Her whole body trembled at the very thought of hurting him, though she had no idea how to help him.

What had she done?

And then he laughed.

Her lips pursed into a thin line; she could feel her heart beat in her neck, hear it in her ears, so much so that a shiver ran down her spine and she felt as if her heart might explode.

She didn't shout, she didn't yell, she didn't say anything. Instead she breathed in and tried to calm herself.

He touched her hand, and she held on tightly; her other settled back to his brow. She wouldn't let his silliness stop her. Truth be told she was shaken, but she wouldn't let him know that.

This time she simply probed at his mind, she didn't think about it, she didn't try to force it, she just... did...

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

The smile was still there – it felt good to laugh again, and be a human. Not some Jedi robot.

”Ok, ok. Look, I do this only to encourage your ability because you can be so much more.” He reached up and placed his hand on hers. ”Close your eyes, and relax. It’s just me and you. Find me in the Force. The life-force that connects us, find me there.”

He tried his best to help guide her, to encourage her and support her because he knew she needed that more than ever. To feel someone was there with her, through all the ups and downs. His palm stayed on hers.

”Your body is flesh and bone – feel yourself guided by the Force to see my aura; see the faces, events, places and pain. It is there for you to see, just take a look.”

If anything was to come of this, he wanted her to see things he may have been too afraid to tell her, and for her to feel proud that she had done something like this herself.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra allowed him to guide her, grateful that he was trying to explain it to her; she was not a Force User, she did not know how to reach into the Force and subject it to her will, but with his guidance she could learn how to do that. She chewed on her lip nervously, and without warning entwined her fingers up with his upon his forehead to keep his hand there. It was comforting to have that physical support.

She inhaled, and then she let go of everything else.

All of her insecurities and worries, her present state in the world, all of it, in favour of exploring through the Force. She could feel him there, not the physical touch but his very presence.

Slowly she pushed outward from herself and brushed up against this strange aura that surrounded him; she held her breath, mesmerized... By now her eyes were closed.

She could never have explained what she was experiencing in that moment. What she saw, what she felt...

"Connor..." she gasped, finally finding her voice and her breath. He had been telling her the truth all this time, she was capable of touching the Force, of so much more.

But that scared her. She did not want to become a pawn in the Force Wars...

She did not want to change.

Instead she tried to focus in on what he was showing her, the subtleties she had never before been able to witness in her soulmate.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He could feel the nerves and worry radiating from her, the clamping of her fingers in his was a sign but he didn’t react, he just let her be and talked calmly. She was touching upon his mind, like a slow ripple moving outwards, and he simply relaxed more.

”This does not make you a Jedi or a Sith or anything else. You’re Kyra Sol. You’re just using the ability you were born with. Nothing more. Don’t fight it.”

To help her, he started to think about the encounters he had with the Sith; the nightmarish Matsu Xiangu and her witch-craft. Sage Bane and his perverse Vong-fused technology. It was all raw in his mind and his body was evidence of their encounters, so he touched on the memories. Also, the pain of those close to him like Syala Daivik, Chastity Lunelle, and the fabled Corvus Raaf.

Also, he easily looked upon Voss; peaceful and serene. The ice world of Rhen Var. The lava world of Mustafar. The ruins of Korriban. Everywhere he had been and could picture, he would picture for her to see through his eyes; starships fleeting above; Jedi and Sith clashing; snowstorms whipping around expeditions.

He would never ignore his past, and actually enjoyed peacefully looking at the memories in his mind’s eye. Whether Kyra was, that was a different story for what else she could find.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

The further she explored, the more he presented to her, the less Kyra felt as though she could breathe.

There was a pressure settling upon her chest, a fire which spread along her abdomen and up through her lungs. It took her a few moments more to realize that she had, in fact, held her breath.

And when she did finally inhale it was with a flurry of overwhelmed tears and a ragged gasp.

Immediately she pulled back, though she had already seen so much. The things he had experienced, the loss he felt, it was more than just seeing, it had been like experiencing it all for herself.

She panted slightly, her hand withdrew from his in order to stabilize herself upon the bed. There was a buzzing in her ear, akin to tinnitus, which set everything else into a monotonous haze.

How could they stand it? How could they deal with probing into the consciousness of another? It was such a heavy burden, and she hadn't spent very long in his mind at all.

Lifting her other hand she wiped away the tears and turned her face from him in embarrassment. She felt pathetic and weak, and though she felt the stirring awaken within her it tasted bitter.

Her hand reached for his. She wanted him to know that she didn't see him any differently, if anything she had more respect for him now than before. He was Connor still, he would always be Connor, no matter what he experienced.

"I love you" she choked, as her chest continued to heave, unable to contain herself. "I'm so sorry..."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

By now, he had opened his eyes and was looking back at her, watching the lines in her face change; the brow furrow, the eyes twitch, the lips curl. She was letting herself see things she didn’t want to see, and experience a power she didn’t want to experience. He’d rather she do it with him in a controlled environment rather than alone or manipulate by another.

As she recoiled and reacted as he expected, Connor sat up and pulled her in by her shoulders for an embrace.

"Hush up, it’s ok. You did well. You did really well."

He rocked her gently, like soothing a frightened child and rested his cheek on her head to comfort her.

"I admit my memories aren’t the most joyous, but that will all change. It’s not all doom and gloom, I promise. I told you you have the ability to do great things."

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She leaned against him and continued to pant breathlessly; the physical connection was enough to quell the tremors for a while, but it did little to quieten her mind. She felt groggy, as if she'd had too much to drink, as if she'd been stuffed with cotton wool.

Her hands curled into fists and settled upon his shirt; her face turned into the crook of his neck, and for a moment she simply inhaled his scent and grounded herself.

"How can you do that?" she whimpered, "how can you experience that?"

She did not like the Force. She never had. She despised the way it divided people. But now there was more to it than simple dislike. It scared her, it left her quivering at her very core.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

The question was a curious one and he stared at the rear wall of the spare bedroom as he rocked her gently. There was going to be no lie in the answers he gave.

"Do you mean experience the things I have over the years, or experience the Force ability and what it grants?"

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She shuddered and turned her body into his embrace.

"Both" came her response, quietly tormented.

Her eyes closed, face burrowing against him as her mind finally began to settle. She was exhausted, and she hadn't even really done anything. She didn't know how that made any sense at all!

"I didn't realize... I'm sorry."

She was beginning to feel severely protective over him, as she recalled some of what she had seen. How could people do that to one another? Kyra had never really known anyone she cared about. Eamon, she supposed, had been a ... friend? Well, she wouldn't put it quite that way, but they worked well together in their prime.

Connor, though. Connor was something else all together. The only person she'd opened up to. The only person she cared about.

And he had been hurt more times than she could imagine, by so many.

It made her blood boil.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Frowning, Connor thought about how best to explain a subject to one who didn’t want to know and didn’t want to WANT to know.

"I guess it’s like…I don’t know. An animal, or a clone soldier, or even a fish – something that has done one thing from as far back as it can remember with one purpose; to keep doing that…thing…until it can’t anymore and then becomes obsolete or dies. If a fish stops doing what it does, other fish win, other fish lose, and then that fish will die or be eaten. If an animal stops doing what it does, other animals win, others lose, and the animal will die or be killed or rot away."

He brushed his hands on her shoulders and back to comfort her and try to re-energize her and convince her in his voice it was all ok.

"What I mean is I’ve been doing this since I can remember – learning and trying to improve my ability for one reason; to survive, to help others and defeat others. I know you don’t like violence, but it’s been my way of life because I am faced with violence and clashes daily. Even if I wasn’t a Force user, I could be a soldier or pilot who faces conflict in doing what I do. It’s just…it’s normal for me and I accept that."

Truth was, he was trying to accept himself more so now after everything and try to forge an identity he could recognise and others would recognise too.

"It’s just as easy as breathing."

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She didn't like that.

Her head lifted slightly and she frowned in his direction.

"You shouldn't be complacent with something, just because it's expected of you. Here you don't have to survive, Connor, you can live. I know you claim that you don't know who the boy I first met is, where he's gone, but I promise you he's still there. So don't just sit and survive. Stand up and live. And refind yourself. Because you're worth more than a fish swimming around and fighting to simply survive. I don't care what your damn code states about life being equal."

Oh yes, she had done her homework.

"It doesn't trump your existence. You matter! Okay? Just as much as those you fight so hard to save. YOU."

[member="Connor Harrison"]