Teach Me To Live; Give Me The Strength To Try

[Connor Harrison]

Dawn; Cratertown
Jakku, Outer Rim

​

There was no sound as the sun started to rise on Jakku. A golden orb breaking up into the blood-orange sky to slowly reveal the desert planet in all it's glory.

Star Point. The Graveyard of Giants. Kelvin Ridge. Cratertown.

Slowly, the ghosts of the pasts lost in the sand would be revealed and the market towns, junkyards, spaceports and other establishments would fill with passing pilots, scavengers and a number of assorted beings.

Above Cratertown, in a cliff-built home with a view across the planet, Connor Harrison and Kyra Sol were slumped on each other, still dressed and looking like they had submitted to a heavy drinking session at first look. However, sunk into the sofa-pillows, they had been asleep for hours holding on after a day of brewing emotion that had spilled out. Comforting and peaceful, the two slept, head resting on the other, hand atop the other, as the orange light started to creep up over the planet and into the house.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Her breathing was measured in only a way that sleep could bring about. Chest rising and falling steadily, head rested against the crook of his neck. Some might have awoken to discomfort, a crink in the neck, but Kyra's eyes opened steady as the dawn and peace washed over her instead.

She didn't even have to move to realise he was there. She didn't have to so much as look upon him.

There were worse ways they could've fallen asleep. Their tempers had flared the day before, peaked to a point of near-cruelty. Yet they chose to whittle it away as the day wasted before them, and now it was gone. All of it.

In its place was pure serenity. For Kyra at least.

It was the simpler things which mattered, and sometimes she wasn't sure Connor fully grasped that. His mind was on the Galaxy at large, and she understood why it had to be that way. But that didn't mean he had to deny himself his own right to live. Perhaps it was easier for her, outside of it all, to see that.

She turned against him slightly and burrowed her face into the warmth of his neck. It was a gentle action, not one intended to wake him. It brought with it comfort, and for a while she just remained there in that way, her thumb gently stroking the back of his hand. She was in no rush for this to end.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

She falls first and I can’t save her; literally just out of my grasp. Maya looks at me and laughs. Seraphina and Dagos are flying around and watching with orange eyes. The Temple is so bright and almost a golden colour, everything around it is impossible to see. It’s why I dropped her.

It wasn’t my fault.

She didn’t scream, so I leant over to try and grab her again as she fell into the chasm. I fell that time.

Literally, everything rushing past me, the ground coming up to me – brown rocks and sand. No noise, and I don’t feel worried – and I hit the ground…

Connor jolted slightly, his body twitching and waking him up out of those stupid anxiety dreams he often had. He forgot where he was for a second, but the view and weight on his side reminded him in the next second. Eyes were open now, body a little stiff, but he was comfortable for the most part.

He let his head sink back into the sofa and didn’t move, pretending he had already retired and there was nothing to get up for or think about for once. Ha – who was he kidding. Connor’s brain never turned off.

Closing his eyes again, he turned into Kyra and kissed her lazily on the head with a sigh.

”You alright?" The first thing he wanted to check.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She felt him jump and immediately her eyes were open. Her head turned up to make sure he was okay, and she felt his body ease back into the makeshift sofa. He wasn't completely relaxed, but it was enough to satisfy her.

Her hand already lifted to his hair, once again running her fingers through each strand to try and soothe him.

As his head turned and his lips settled atop her head, Kyra eased up and nestled back down against him. A tiny smile lay upon her lips, content and happy in that moment. She didn't respond with words, instead a slight "mm" left her lips as he burrowed her face back against his neck.

She didn't want to move. Moving would break the illusion.

But she couldn't be ignorant. Not to him.

"Are you okay?" she breathed against him, still reluctant to sit up and talk.

It was best she ask, after the day they'd had before this. It was best she ask, given the way he was roused into consciousness.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He smiled to himself at her child-like ways, the way she muffled herself, a little noise of acknowledgement and even speaking into his neck.

”I’m fine, yeah. Just those strange dreams when you fall. Really annoying.”

Pulling his arm out from under her, wincing at the dead weight it had become, he let it fall over her shoulder as he gently twisted his body outwards so he faced the window more to watch the great beyond become bathed in dawn sunlight.

There was nothing to say to her, he could feel she was at ease but still somehow worried. Their little fuss yesterday wasn’t anything to worry about, it was simply the result of two people bouncing off each other with their worries and feelings.

However, they had to be addressed, somehow.

He rubbed his thumb on her arm.

”I wonder if you sat here all day looking out you’d see anything actually happen. Or would nothing change and you’d fall asleep again as the sun went down?”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Kyra didn't see herself as child-like, simply comfortable!

She smiled as he said that he was fine, though she was concerned about the anxiety dreams he'd had. Truth be told, Kyra wanted to make everything better. But she knew that was stupid, she knew she couldn't just banish his upset, his worries, his past.

His arm twisted to move out from under her, and truly she didn't exactly make the motion easy. She was more than reluctant to move. Yet when his arm slumped over her shoulder she turned and nestled back into him. His side this time though, not his neck.

Her gaze fixed up at him with mild curiosity; at times she couldn't even believe he really existed, much less that he was here with her.

"I don't think much of anything happens here" she confessed; ten long years she had lingered on Jakku, and little had changed. The smallest amount of development down below. The people were the same. The wares in the tents.

"I don't want to think about Jakku" she added, with a quiet whisper and an added sigh. "The view is beautiful, though."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor nodded to himself at the fact she didn’t want to talk about the planet. That was fine. There was only so much one could say about a planet as plain as Jakku, yet for all the treasure it buried away, Kyra was done. A few moments silence passed as a faint engine could be heard outside, like a small speeder.

His head was relaxed, as was his body, and laid out lazily with her beside him.

”Are you ready to come to Voss with me still?”

It would be a big step forward for Kyra, into a world she never knew existed – one of strength, support and unity. New faces to see and integrate with. For Kyra, anyway, it was a new life beckoning.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

Truth be told, Kyra was simply exhausted. There was no other word for it. She had spent so long running, hiding, and from what? Some crazy Space-Witch who probably didn't even remember who she was? And what had it cost her?

Connor, her best friend, her only friend, was suffering, and she hadn't been there to help or protect him. Time had gone on turning, yet she had barely changed at all. Sat here, on Jakku, tinkering away as always.

She had wasted almost half of her life on nothing.

The thought made her frown, and she hid her face against his shoulder and murmured a quiet "Yes" to his question. She wondered what it would be like, this world she had never before seen with its Jedi. "Are you ready to return, though?"

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor smiled at her naivety and lack of confidence in herself and the outside world. Well, he couldn’t blame her, but he chuckled and rubbed her shoulder with his hand and leant his cheek on her head, watching the orange planet outside.

But the smile gently fell neutral at her question. He hated to be asked the question, because he knew the answer but didn’t want to admit it.

He could only hear his breathing gently as he stroked her shoulder in a daze and tried to move the conversation on.

”You’ll be ok, I promise. There’s plenty out there for you and it will be a wonderful start for the new Kyra I want to see. I told you that. This place has sucked the oomph out of you.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She turned into him ever so slightly, forsaking the view, and sighed.

"I know" she said, frowning as she realized that he hadn't answered her question... Still, she wasn't one to push and prod so she let him keep his mysterious little secrets and instead just enjoyed his comforting gestures.

"This is the first step, for both of us. If we take it together, we'll make it... Just, don't cling onto what once was, please, I don't want you dwelling on your past. See this as a fresh start."

She fell silent, her gaze lifting up to stare at him intently. Didn't he realize that they were in the same boat? Or was he simply going to keep deluding himself?

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

”Stop it.”

He didn’t need to look at her to feel that…look of hers. That cute one, the one that internally poked and prodded him to open up when she didn’t even say a word. He was adamant not to let the wall down.

”I’ll be there to help you forward. I am walking my path, I just need to find out where it goes…because right now I can’t see too far from where I stand. You, however, just need to trust yourself to make the right steps.”

Connor comforted her again and turned his head slightly away, chewing his tongue slightly.

”Stop with those eyes.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

"No."

For once Kyra truly stood her ground, he could keep telling her to stop looking at him, but she wouldn't, because she didn't want to. Infact, instead of lowering her gaze she lifted a hand to his hair again and tried to ease him up; he was so reserved, secretive even, and it wasn't healthy. Not that she was any better, but at least she was willing to try. By contrast he seemed to be trying to shut himself off from it instead.

Well no longer. Not on her watch.

"Do you realize how hypocritical what you just said is?" she asked, though there was no malice or upset in her tone, it was purely matter of fact. "Let go, Connor, please; let me help you."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Help.

Something he did, in his way, for others. Dark Siders, rogues, wanderers, Jedi...he had nothing to do but try to help.

He didn't receive it very well, but Kyra wasn't anybody. She was withdrawn from his painful world, and outside the conflict that had tortured him for years. His eyes darted around the landscape a little at her words, even that being a sign he was fighting himself on what to do.

”It's ok, I'm...I'm fine,” he said, trying to be cheery. ”Just ignore me.”

Smiling, a fake one, he looked down at her but saw her eyes boring into him. Those wonderful, naive and fragile but strong eyes. He'd known her forever it seemed and only now was starting to GET to know her. It was then his body felt heavy, his heart sank and his shoulders buckled. She would immediately see the glassy gloss over his blue eyes, tears that just teased the socket. That and the dry swallow.

”I don't know who I am anymore.” His brow creased and his head sank a little to rest on hers. ”I'm so tired. I just don't....don't ever seem to stop...but nothing ever shows for what I try and do. So much has changed that I tried to make right, so many bad things and I can't do anything about it.”

Even his voice was devoid of that cock resilience; now it was just a man sounding like the whole planet was pushing down on him. His hand fell to hers and gripped it tight, maybe too tight.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She was about to shout. To ruin the tranquility which had settled between the pair of them... But then he made her heart stop. Her eyes were still intently set upon his, brow creased in worry, as tears filled his eyes and all at once he seemed to simply buckle before her.

All thoughts of anger and hypocrisy fled her in that instance.

"Shh... Sweetheart, it's okay..."

She shifted her body, settling his head against her shoulder; her hand fell through his hair, running down the side of his cheek and back up. For a moment she said nothing, she allowed him his moment and didn't so much as flinch to the grip he took of her hand.

Finally, though, she turned her head against his and sighed.

"We don't have to go back right now; we can do anything at all, go anywhere at all, you need to realize that the burdens of the Galaxy are not solely yours to shoulder, Connor. You cannot battle with everything, my sweet, you can't. It will leave you a broken man in a Galaxy where no one else is going to notice enough to help. Take your eyes from the bigger picture for a while. The Galaxy has always been in turmoil, and there are countless individuals all trying to fix or worsen that. It's an endless, ongoing battle... And it won't always go the way you think it will."

She bit her lip, hand settling in place in his hair while the other turned him to her by gently looping over his shoulder.

"I know that you have done wonders in the Galaxy; you have changed more lives than you could possibly, ever know, and it probably feels like nobody has recognized what you have done. But I am telling you now, there will be little children tucked up in bed safer because of your actions, parents able to watch over them. You will have changed countless lives. Mine included. Do not dwell on the failures, everyone makes them. You're only human, Connor."

Kyra fell silent for a moment, her gaze intently studying his. Concern, admiration, and a desire to truly help him, all flashed in her expression.

"We shouldn't go back to Voss just yet. You need time to be Connor, without everything else. Not a Jedi, just Connor. And I won't take no for an answer."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor sat up, his head swirling with feelings and thoughts; irrational and logical. He wasn’t avoiding Kyra, not at all, he just had to sit and collect himself, and he rested his hands against his forehead, leaning forward slightly.

”I feel…I just feel like I am stuck and I can’t move on from anything. I don’t KNOW anything different anymore and I feel I’ve lost my soul. Do you understand? It’s gone – it’s been eaten away and now I have nothing and nobody that I had before.”

His eyes focused on the edge of the rug and window before him, hands supporting his head as he felt warm and slightly weak.

”Nothing I do anymore seems to count, because I feel so distant from them on Voss now which is all my fault, but I’ve not been able to find myself since returning. I’m so bored of this, Ky. Of existing. I don’t have anything to fight for, and I know what you say is sweet and makes sense, and I like that idea, but when all I seem to do is bounce off one person to the next, I don’t feel I am living at all. I’m not me. I’m…I’m just…that.”

He let out a sigh and his hands swallowed up his face, a frustrated grunt behind his palms. A few seconds passed in silence; he could feel her still there as a his rock.

”I can’t remember who Connor is. He left a long time ago and he never came back.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She pulled back slightly so that he could sit up without restraint, and watched him in silence with a very slight frown. What could she do, what could she say, to ease his mind? Kyra truthfully didn't know. But she would sit by him and let him say what he needed to all the same, she would not walk away from him. She'd never abandon him.

Perhaps with time he would realize that.

He was beginning to exhibit signs of overheating, his face slightly read, so without a word Kyra rose up and opened some of the windows around the open-plan living space. She also poured him a drink of crisp, fresh water which she brought back to him in silence. Kneeling at his side, she offered him the glass and mulled over the situation.

"You won't find yourself by rushing back to Voss."

Chewing her lip for a moment, Kyra sighed.

"Don't bounce from me, walk with me; take this journey with me, Connor. Where in the Galaxy do you want to be? Anywhere at all. Not because you feel you have to go there, but because you want to."

She ran a hand up through his hair, tidying it up a bit, before tipping up his chin and looking intently at him. He looked exhausted.

"But don't rush your decision, and don't worry if you get to the destination and find that you don't want to be there after all. I'm not going to walk away, you go at your own pace and I'll walk two steps behind. I won't push you, I won't guide you, I'll just be here if you need me."

Tilting her head to one side, she managed a reassuring smile.

"Do you want to get into bed? The spare room is done up with fresh linen, I can leave you to rest for a few hours if you like. Or we can stay here and watch the day pass by."

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

Connor ran his hand through his dry hand, sweeping her hand as he did and nodded.

”The bed, please. Just a while – I want to remember how it feels to try and sleep in a quiet, cosy place with no synthetic noise or loud engine.”

He stood up slowly, back muscles creaking after the long night cramped on the pillows. Eyes closed and teeth gritted as he cracked his back, and let his arms go loose, fumbling to hold her arm and, with a slight desperation, hold her and pull her in for a hug.

He nuzzled his brow into her neck and looped his arms around her, hands on the sides. He let out a long breath.

”You’re the only one who strips my armour and finds the boy I used to be before all this happened. I love you so much.”

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She shifted her hand out of the way so as not to be too intrusive and continued to study his expression. The nod which followed had her slowly rising up and offering down a hand to help him to his feet; the glass of water was set to the side, she'd place it on the bedside table when he settled down, in case he needed it.

"Okay, you can rest for as long as you like. And if you need me, I'll be around."

He stretched yet didn't really move much after standing up, and all of a sudden he took her into his arms in a nice tight embrace. It was desperate, his guard was down, and it had Kyra sighing in contentment. Her eyes closed as she felt his face against her neck, hand lifting to trail through his hair again. By now she noticed it was a comfort to him.

And then he spoke, and her lips trembled ever so slightly.

"You'll always be Connor to me" she whispered, "Nothing has or will change that. You're my best friend, Connor, my soulmate."

She didn't care how that sounded because it was true. No matter what it always came back to him, for better or for worse. Her heart skipped a beat when the last five words left his lips, but she didn't want to take it to mean anything more than it was. And truth be told she didn't know what he meant by it.

Instead she squeezed him softly and buried her face against him. "I have always loved you" she muttered, quietly, and she meant it in every sense of the word, though she didn't wish to admit as much this time.

[member="Connor Harrison"]

 

[Connor Harrison]

He just nodded at her words, emotionally drained again in under 2 days. Pulling back, his hand trailing down to hold hers, he laughed a little; a nervous, embarrassed laugh and a small release of the tension. Reaching down, he picked up the glass and took a drink of water.

”Dear me what am I like, huh? Maybe I should retire and become a fisherman or something. Go and live by a big lake with nothing but nature around me. I know there are worlds that will never be touched by conflict in my lifetime, so I just have to find one and I can live in peace.”

He sat on the bed.

”Not a bad idea actually. You can come too and we can build things and sell things and take all the horrors of war away.”

Letting her hand go, he turned onto the bed and lay back, lacing his hands on his chest and sighing contently. A soft duvet and pillow was greatly treasured. He looked out of the high window in the room, just glimpsing part of the mountain terrain through it.

[member="Kyra Sol"]

 

[Lief]

She smiled to his musings as they made their way from the living space into the guest room where a warm and welcoming bed awaited, crisp yet soft white sheets which had been freshly cleaned called to him and it was toward the bed that she took him.

"That sounds lovely, and it's actually more plausible than you might think" she retorted, though deep down she knew he wouldn't follow through with it. This was his exhaustion speaking. Part of her wished he would, though. He deserved a stab at a normal life. A humble life, away from the wars. Had he not been through enough?

Her hand ran through his hair when he lay down and prepared to rest. Whether that meant sleep or not didn't matter, she would remain quiet for him and leave the room should he wish it. For now though she sat on the very edge of the bed and did her best to comfort him for a little while.

"He's still in there, you know? The boy from the junkyard..."

Her voice was quiet, genuinely trying not to disturb him.

[member="Connor Harrison"]