Slow fading scars

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

It was an odd garden, he thought to himself. More like a play area. Or a training yard. There were more important matters to think about. He couldn't let her go and train padawans again or get involved in any fighting, but he didn't want her removing herself from everyone entirely.

"I've had a long string of mistakes between getting kicked out of the academy and being taken back to Sullust in a cell. Most of them didn't involve the dark side. All of them left me in a bad place. Every time I felt like I wanted to be alone. It never helped to isolate myself."

Jacen came to a halt before they reached the house so he could continue our of earshot of the house. It wasn't particularly easy to talk about what he'd been through. Whilst he'd worked on rehabilitation several times he still doubted that he was really well placed to help. The words of the apparition returned once more and he forcefully pushed them aside. There wasn't time for his own doubt right now.

I'm not saying anyone can help you and I know your family have a lot to deal with right now. Just... Well I don't know what and I know everyone is different. You've probably thought about everything more than you should have done already, just take a word of caution in it yeah?"

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

She frowned.

Perhaps isolation wasn't the way to go, not completely anyway. At least here on Borleias she was surrounded by her family. Her mother and father were here, Maleah, Kaili, even Micah. Her frown deepened for a moment and slowly she nodded. "I'll think about it."

In truth however she still felt the need to...go.

In her current state she just felt useless, like she wasn't of help to anyone including herself. The force escaped her reach, her mind constantly wandered, and it felt like everything was just trying to flutter away from her. Self doubt had entered her system, and now that it was there she couldn't shake it. Slowly the Jedi Master drew herself up, glancing up at the house for a moment before looking back towards Jacen.

She knew he was trying to help, that he'd been through exactly the same thing, but it still felt off.

All of it did.

"It's not like I want to run away." Aela said quietly. "Just...I can't even touch the force."

Not without effort anyway.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

"I see," he replied. "How do you feel about that?" he asked. That might tell him more. He wouldn't be surprised if that frightened her a little, but neither would it surprise him if it merely frustrated Aela and she was attacking the problem with a determination that wasn't necessarily going to improve things.

"Thinking about it is good, just try not to dwell on it too much. Sometimes you can go round and round and just end up in a worse place than you started. You can also tell me to shut up if it makes you feel better. And we can always go somewhere different if you just need a change of scenery."

Jacen couldn't really imagine wanting a change of scenery himself. If he had his own private island with family in place it would have seemed the perfect place to relax and find balance. Then again she had quite a lot of family. Perhaps being an only child instead of having three siblings gave him a slightly skewed view on the matter.

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

”I am frustrated.” Aela stated plainly.

There was not really anything else to it. The force had been a part of her life for literally decades. Shed trained and practiced with it quite literally since she was a small child. The force was as much a part of her as her eyes or left hand. She could still feel it of course, she could sense things and when she wasnt paying attention she could even utilize it, but when she actually tried?

When she wanted to use the force it was pointless.

”I can't seem to connect.” She said with a scowl. ”Like a piece of the chain is missing.”

Something that bothered her immensely given the fact that from her perspective the chain had never been taken away. ”I don't want a change of scenery, I want to push until I get myself back.”

She knew something was wrong, just not what she could do to fix it.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

"Is it a cycle, do you think?" He asked. "Each frustration only makes it that much more difficult to move forwards? When I returned to the Order I was easily frustrated and that was probably a fraction of what's going round in your head. I was mostly getting flustered by cocky teenagers using the Force as if it were second nature whilst I couldn't lift a damn rock," he chuckled. The noise seemed to be echoed by the trees as a sudden breeze whipped through them.

The truth wasn't that simple. On Prakith he had been left trying to hold his guts in with one hand whilst trying to call for evac with the other. Most of his men hand died at the hands of just one Sith. And he had been helpless.

Right, it made his story lighter and permitted the laugh to sound less forced to twist the truth a little bit.

"For what it's worth I think you'll get through this no matter which path you take to get there. What happened will always have happened though."

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

What happened will always have happened.

The words rung in her head a few times, her lips thinning for a few moments as she turned the statement over in her head. She certainly couldn't deny what she had done, she couldn't say that it was over and she would never think of it again...but she could look at why. Her head shook slightly and her eyes wandered towards the house. She watched the window for a moment before slowly turning back towards Jacen.

"What did you see?" She asked.

Aela vaguely recalled a second figure behind the reflection of herself, though barely. Everything had been so crazy, so fast, that it seemed like a dream. She'd never really questioned before what Jacen had encountered, though it was likely the much as same as she.

"I saw..." The Jedi Master trailed off. "Myself."

Strange as it was to say.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

At first he thought she was asking what he had seen happen to Aela. That felt like a loaded question, as if she was looking for judgement. Then he realised his error with some relief and considered how to explain. Some honesty might help her work through what had happened to her. Unlikely, but it was enough of a reason not to gloss over it.

"It was a version of me. I think that perhaps that slow nagging sensation when we were fumbling around in the dark was...something...getting its hooks in."

He turned away from Aela for a moment, brow furrowed in concentration. "I didn't like what it had to say, but I think the apparition was just part of the assault. Or perhaps even just a distraction. I'd like to think I couldn't be broken down quite so easily by words alone." He gave a pause and a soft sigh. "Even ones that cut quite that deep."

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

"It was truth." She said quietly.

Was it? She'd been asking her that above everything else. The apparition had spoken of her hubris, her self-righteous attitude. It had told her she'd never cared about others, that all she'd ever done had been for herself and not the good of the galaxy. The Jedi Master still had no idea if it was actually true, if the apparition had been right, but it certainly felt like it.

"Or it certainly felt like it." Aela frowned, glancing down at the ground. "It told me..."

She looked back up at Jacen. "What it said was unsettling."

How was she to admit this?

"Like it was repeating a thought that had been sitting at the back of my head since before we liberated Coruscant." Cutting deep wasn't the least of it.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

"And I thought my mental defences were strong. I've had Sith Lord's try to cut through them more than a few times. Artefacts that have pushed me to my limits. Yet I didn't even know that something was working it's way in." He gave an exasperated sigh and looked down at his feet.

"I guess the dead don't play by our rules. I'm not certain what it said to me was true. It played a version of me where events had been different. That makes me think whatever it was knew what it had to to to hit us with some of our deepest fears.

"How much has your mind been dwelling on what it said since?"

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

She frowned.

Time for the truth she supposed. "Every minute of every day."

Admitting that was hard enough, but she knew keeping it from him would only lead to more trouble. Jacen was trying to help, and she had enough knowledge of the darkside that she knew she needed it. Self doubt, anger, frustration, those were the feelings that above everything else lead one to fall. The Tattoo had prevented it once, but she highly doubted she'd get the opportunity for another one. She needed to talk about it now, she needed to find a solution.

The Young Jedi Master paused for a moment, then continued to talk.

"It said..." She frowned briefly. "It told me everything I'd done. Fighting for the Alliance, The Covenant, everything..."

She sighed. "It wasn't to help others, it wasn't to better the galaxy. It was for me...myself."

Aela reflected brieftly. "It left it unsaid, but the implication was that I was like my grandfather."

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

"If it makes a difference, I don't believe that," he said. He didn't know - or really care for that matter - who her grandfather was. Aela had faults, but none of them really betrayed a weakness of character like that.

"I'm afraid to say that if it's struck you so hard those fears might not ever go away. At least not completely. But they might end up something you can control. Worries that might crop up every few days that might perturb you a little, but don't cut deep like this.

"There are things I think about that range from..." he held his arms out wide, "...I don't know. Insecurities I've had my whole life that don't really play on the mind much to failure so monumental my mind can revisit them just to play tricks with me."

His arms returned to his sides and he smiled. "We live and we learn. Even from the hardest falls. Just think, the new Dark Lord of the Sith challenged us and we gave him an absolute spanking. I think that one is allowed to be for you a little bit. I'm going to enjoy it for a while anyway."

A brave face and talking too much might not have been ideal, but at least they were talking. He fell silent again though, no questions asked this time. Just space for Aela to mull and say anything else she needed to say.

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

She frowned.

Her words were exactly what concerned her. Ego, narcissism. They weren't things that Aela had ever really worried about. She was a good fighter and had lead men into battle for years now...but she'd never really questioned why she had done it. For her it had always been about the greater good, helping people, saving them. It was about making sure that everyone was okay.

The voice within the cave, her reflection...had made her doubt that.

What if all of these years she had lied to herself, what if all of this time she'd not wanted to save people, but had only been seeking glory. It was a thought that prickled at her skin, and thinking of how they'd defeated the Dark Lord, or at least beaten him back, only made that feeling worse. She could not claim any honor in her act, she could not even say it was right. Slowly Aela took a step back, glancing at her palms and frowning as she thought. "I don't know."

Aela said quietly.

"That's why I want to go away." What Jacen said made sense, she should feel proud, but it was an emotion that had often caused people to fall. "Maybe even why I wanted to step away before...all of this."

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

"Where do you want to go?" He asked. "If this was something concerning you greatly before it's probably why whatever that was latched on to it. If that temple wasn't sitting underneath a Sith army I could have gone back with more people and got to the bottom of it all."

Jacen could put on a brave face, but unless Aela really wasn't paying attention she would see that even the thought of returning to that place chilled him. Some of the colour even left his face.

He thought of how great a loss it would be to the Alliance if she left then altogether, to lose her even just as a tutor for the younglings. Then he silently berated himself for it. What mattered now was getting her in a better place. It never mattered what happened to him in some ways. There was always something more pressing to be doing than concern himself with what he wanted or needed. It many ways it was easier like that.

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

She frowned. It was a good question. Aela had thought that Wroosti was a good solution, that it would help her get away but now that didn't seem enough. She knew she couldn't go back to teaching younglings, she knew the Jedi Order wouldn't let her.

The Jedi Master couldn't blame them for that of course, she would have insisted on it if it were anyone else...but it still hurt slightly. She continued to frown, glancing at the house one more time before slowly wandering away from it and heading towards a small outcropping of rocks. She sat herself down on one of them, waiting for Jacen to follow along. His question was a good one, and though his statement held an air of untruth to it, she still knew that it was meant to be comforting.

"I don't know." She admitted quietly.

"There's not really a way to prove to myself..." Aela trailed off. "There's no way I can just settle it all of a sudden."

That was the trouble with this. She had been questioning before they'd ever gone to Krasysis. Perhaps not consciously, but the ideas had been there. She frowned for a moment more, shaking her head slowly before finally taking in a deep breath. "I wish there was a way to talk to the old Masters. The ones from ancient legends and stories."

She mused quietly.

"The ones who supposedly know it all." A rueful smile crossed her features. "They would probably know what to do."

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

"I imagine they would be able to give better advice than myself," Jacen admitted. He canted his head to one side and matched her smile. "Unfortunately it's the dead sith who tend to be on the more talkative side it seems. Or into the entire resurrection thing. Sionoma once struck down that Sith we met apparently. They just brought him back at Lujo."

That had nearly broken Gabriel. More than physically as well. Jacen could recall the look on the man's face when he was in that wheelchair and thought no one was looking.

"What do you do for yourself Aela? I've never actually asked. I'm guessing it's not fighting sith or pretending to be criminals with questionable fashion sense."

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

She frowned. The idea of Sith coming back to life didn't exactly sit easy with Aela. She'd never killed any of them herself, but her father had told her stories of half a dozen Sith Lord's that were terrifying enough to imagine without the threat of them coming back to life.

Aela shuddered slightly, if only because some of those Sith would be her own family. "That's not something I want to think about."

She admittedly quietly.

"Better they stay dead." She let silence hold the air for moment. "At least to my knowledge anyway."

Aela had seen the walls of her grandfathers keep, explored the ancient tombs and heard the deeds of her ancestors. None of it was exactly something she wanted to ever consider, much less witness. The more distance she could put between herself and the legacy of her family the better. Especially now.

When Jacen spoke again she gave him a quizzical look. "Myself?"

What did he mean? Oh.

"I like to read." She shrugged. "Play the violin, Jamie and I went clubbing once and that was kind of fun."

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

Aela didn't seem too enthralled with the notion of sith returning from the dead. At first he assumed it was because of what they had seen and been afflicted with under the temple. Her second comment however made it seem as if there was someone she didn't want to run into again. He decided not to try.

"Well sometimes it's..." He paused and gave Aela another look. "You went clubbing with the Queen of Naboo?"

"Fair enough," he said through a smile before he continued. "I guess those comments on men not measuring up make more sense now. I hope you didn't hurt any of the poor kids." She probably didn't appreciate his humour so he moved on quickly.

"Sometimes it can be pretty difficult to enjoy the things you like when you're in a fix like this," he said. She was more frustration than the melancholy he had been when he had been down and doubting himself. "Doesn't mean you shouldn't try."

But why am I trying? He thought to himself. She probably enjoys having me try and talk to her about this as much as Trextan does when I bring up anything serious. Perhaps that comment about Jedi masters of old had been a cue to shut up and leave the advice to an expert.

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

"She's my padawan." Aea said as though that would explain the clubbing.

In truth Jamie was the one person that had brought out Aela's personality more than anyone else. Sure Adder and Jacen had helped, but the connection she had with her padawan had forced her to evolve beyond the serious and stern young lady she had once been. It was an odd thing to think about, but looking back even just a few short years it was obvious to Aela just how much she'd grown since meeting Jamie. Perhaps it had been the teaching, or perhaps it had simply been Jamie herself.

She shrugged.

"Reading dulls the mind for a time." She told Jacen quietly. Admittedly it was the one thing that had kept her sane over the last few weeks. She was able to bury herself in a good book and forget about everything for a short while, but only a short while. "And I can still hold a tune."

Aela frowned. "But it doesn't seem enough."

Not nearly so. In an odd sort of way Aela felt trapped. There was nothing holding her anywhere, there was nothing keeping her here or in any other sort of place, but her own emotions felt like a cage. Perhaps it was why she had the urge to move and do as she pleased, though the Jedi Master wasn't entirely sure about that either.

 

[Jacen Voidstalker]

[member="Aela Talith"]

Jacen was trying not to smile at her answer. The way she replied made it seem as if it had been something between a scientific experiment and a test for her padawan to go out for a night.

How could he convey that what she really just needed was time? That was an answer no one really wanted to hear, especially not a twenty year old who hadnt been struck down like this before.

"You could go and see Jamie again," Jacen replied. "She might be your padawan, but it sounds like she's also a friend. Perhaps...no late night drinking though." He remembered meeting Jamie when she had first arrived on Sullust. Another striking woman. Aela probably hadn't been short of sub-standard men to turn down.

"We can find something else to do. Something different to achieve. You understand that it's best not to work with the younglings for now though?"

 

[Aela Talith]

[member="Jacen Voidstalker"]

"I think she's rather busy." Aela said with a flat sort of disappointment in the tone of her voice. "Adder and I went to go visit her a little while ago, right before Kraysis. We had this whole night planned."

She took on a rather grumpy expression. "Some Assassins ruined the evening."

It was silly to think of it in terms like that, but it was true. The Queen of Naboo, a Jedi Master, and a former Coresec officer had been planning a night on the town when assassination attempts stopped them. One could have written a very comical novel about it. Aela might even have read it. She did like humor.

"I know." She said quietly to his last statement.

It burned her in a way she couldn't explain, but she knew it was true.

"Perhaps I'll travel to some ancient Jedi ruin." She said quietly. "Hope to find some of those old masters."