Private Regrets. I've Had a Few

[Teica Giraan]

[1780 hours, Anaxes Station]
[ Constantine Oliva ]

Why?

Teica’s head shook once, twice, hands shivering, and mind cursing herself for the Resolution's...

A quiet exhale, and a momentary shake of the head came to be, followed by the gradual collapse of her posture while the commander slumped against a nearby wall. Her cane struck the ground as well, a resounding clang jumping out with the impact. For the briefest of moments, Teica’s right leg screamed in agony, but was quickly silenced with another inhale, and another exhale. Back resting against the cold metal of the station’s corridors, and without reason to come to a stand, she simply waved off any concerned look that aimed her way.

Maybe a year before, she would have been embarrassed by such a display. But, a lot had changed since then, and if there was one thing she understood about her own life, it was that change would be the only predictable factor.

It had been eight days since the massacre at Csilla, and the fiery death of the ANV Resolution; Eight days since the tendons in her right leg shattered, and the muscles ruptured; Eight days since she lost her closest confidant, and plenty more of her crew. Further more, it had been seven days since the Alliance doctors had torn what was left of her knee apart, to be warped and infused with metal and various other prosthetics.

They were expecting her in the wardroom.

Reluctantly, Teica rose to a stand, hands shuddering and driving the cane into the station's flooring. Eyes scanned away from the uniform's trousers, her mind distracting itself from dwelling on the twisted flesh hiding far behind, and she set off for the Officer's Mess.

. . .​

The doors slid open, and let the blinding, but cozy glow of the Wardroom's interior smile her way. She recognized few of the officers, still learning faces around the station, and it didn't help that most of her time was spent recovering in sickbay, and strolling around her own temporary quarters. Teica did, however, recognize the senior-most attendee, Wing Commander Stannis Beren. The following conversation was entirely silent, Teica starting with a salute, waiting for the nod of confirmation, before proceeding to one of the emptier tables in a collection of two others-- each not so far from the other. The room was very much not to full capacity, nor meeting average capacity; official meal time was not for another ten minutes, after all.

"G'day, Miss Giraan," Before she knew it, the captain in front of her had dealt in several piles of Sabacc cards, another captain and lieutenant commander alongside, "Ready to finally be dethroned?"

"We'll see about that, Miss Dolpho." Teica glanced at the two others, "Yaquee. Kenth."

A nod came from a Bothan and Chandrilan, while the Coruscanti captain placed down the first bet.

"3 credits..." The captain caught her staring at the door, "Waiting for someone?"

"No. No." The commander cleared her expression, "Uh... 4 credits."

 

[Constantine Oliva]

I stood in my temporary quarters, staring into a mirror. My hand moved from button to button slowly, memorizing the movement. A week ago, the task of dressing myself had been easy, trivial even. I’d been standing here, trying to make my uniform perfect for the past hour. Even in basic training, it’d been easier. Even when I’d been chewed out by an instructor for being slightly off, it’d been easier. There was no one who’d correct me now, admirals didn’t bother paying much attention to me, and the lower ranks wouldn’t dare. So I had to force perfection myself. A final adjustment of my rank plate, And it was done. I stared into the mirror, searching for any mistakes. Of course, nothing could be done about the empty sleeve hanging limply at my side, or the eyepatch covering the place my right eye should have been, but it was complete. I sighed, and stepped away.

Few had seen me over the past week. Most who did were medical personnel, coming to check on my injuries. I’d seen a psychologist the day before, who declared me fit for continued service. In just a few days, I’d be back aboard my own vessel, in command of a new line. I might as well visit with others before then.


Stepping out of the room and into the familiar hallways of Anaxes Station, I felt a sudden stab of nostalgia. I’d once roamed these hallways, a wide-eyed recruit. This was always the first and last place I went when returning home to visit Anaxes. Years ago, it was where I first met the famous High Admiral Callaesar, and later where he’d promoted me to Commodore. I followed the seemingly endless walls of duarsteel, having memorized most of the corridors in the officer’s accommodations.

___​

The mess was filling, albeit slowly. It didn’t take long for me to notice someone of interest. Teica Giraan , who’d been there at Csilla. Even before that, she’d been at Naamadi. She was an officer who, in spite of her terrible luck, was capable. I hadn’t seen her since ordering the evacuation of the Hawk. A few others were there too, officers I didn’t recognize, playing Sabaac. I stepped over, giving a messy salute.


“Mind dealing me in?”

 

[Teica Giraan]

“Mind dealing me in?”

She turned around as rapidly as the sentence finished, a bright smile adorning her expression. But, despite her best efforts, the grin began to fade. The air turned unsettling quickly, From the abandoned sleeve, to the eyepatch covering the commodore's further serious injuries. They had both been through too much, however, for the scars to be surprising. Another second of nervous waiting seemed to taunt her, seemed to insult her own tolerance, and mock the Corellian for how weak she'd grown. But Teica just barely pulled through, and just barely returned a full salute.

"The more, the merrier. Wha'd'ya say, fellas?" Few Alliance officers had ever heard the tone of her native accent until then.

"Can't hurt, I suppose," The captain adjacent to her began to deal in the new set of cards, then slid them across to stop centimeters away from the table's edge, "Bet's six credits."

Teica felt the air grow colder, the other officers hiding their nervousness watching Constantine preparing to play Sabacc with only one hand, afraid of what repressed emotions the handicap would awake. She knew the feelings, both of them, far too well for the change in atmosphere to be comfortable.

"Oh. I forgot to introduce you all," She quickly equipped a smile, and cleared her mind of a looming darkness, "Captain Rieva Dolpho, station security," Teica gestured to the dealer, "Captain Yaquee Fey'Ar, second fighter group," The Bothan raised his hand ever so slightly in response, "Aand. Lieutenant Commander Derra Kenth, my second officer."

"Charmed," Kenth lowered his Sabacc face just enough to let a smile through, but placed on the emotional mask within seconds of doing so.

"And of course, they're all familiar with you, Commodore Olivia," She shook off the notion of continuing to ramble, "Well. Let the games begin."

Teica took another glance at Constantine's arm, the desolate sleeve, at least, but nonetheless maintained the friendly smile. A light shiver, though, chose to work against the gesture, shaking her just enough to be noticeable, but not entirely obvious. Csilla, Naamadi, apparently still continued to take their own tolls, neither being ready to simply be dismissed.

It's good to see you, sir.

Constantine Oliva

 

[Constantine Oliva]

It wasn't hard to tell the sudden shift in tone, both from the presence of a higher-ranking officer and my obvious injuries. I flashed a smile when Teica spoke, breaking the moment of silence. The ice broken, I pulled a chair over. It was something I'd done many times, but with my left hand the movement was more awkward than I'd been hoping for. The motion wasn’t quite as smooth or quick as I'd intended. I hid my annoyance, trying to maintain a friendly demeanor.

As Giraan introduced the others, I nodded to each one. Their faces and names entered my mind, memorized for the future. Presumably, I'd get the chance to see them again. I sat, nodding in acceptance for the 6 credit bet. As the captain finished dealing, I gathered my cards into a neat pile on the table.

"And of course, they're all familiar with you, Commodore Olivia,"

Constantine Oliva

“Hm. Never thought I was particularly famous.”

I pulled the cards off the table, then slid the stack with my thumb so I could read my cards. My continued smile hid my disappointment. Losing six creds wasn’t much of an issue with my pay, but it would have been nice to have a chance. I took note of the cards’ placement, then set the pair of twos down again. My damned luck had struck again.

From the corner of my eye, I caught Teica taking another glance at my arm, then shiver slightly. I knew they’d all taken glances, and I was trying to ignore it. I didn’t know if any of the other three had been at Csilla or Naamadi, but Teica was. I knew her pain too well, and she knew mine. Even here, at Anaxes, the planet which hadn’t seen large-scale conflict in centuries, the battles’ ripples were felt. We’d be at Csilla forever...


Teica Giraan

 

[Teica Giraan]

“Hm. Never thought I was particularly famous.”

"Not famous? The hero of the Namadii Corridor? Commodore Constantine Oliva of the Battle of Cs-"

The commander's heart began to race, memories jumping in and out in brief flashes of emotion-- bursts of pain rippling across her leg, smoke drowning and leaving her lungs, screaming, fear, terror, anxiety-

"Captain!" Teica now snapped out, the table and a decent portion of the surrounding wardroom going deathly quiet as she tried to catch her breath.

Her hands continued to tremble, a shocked and panicked expression gripping her appearance. She held the image for another few seconds, before her eyes opened and closed to dispel the build-up of emotion. Rieva was speechless. Yaquee. Derra. Teica's eyes scanned away, however, and began to settle on Constantine, trying to gauge his own discomfort; Then she moved her gaze to the neighboring tables, catching a few equally shocked looks from the junior officers, and the concerned expressions from the senior personnel.

They turned away in due time, however, sparing her a portion of the embarrassment, and left the commander with only her own Sabacc group to worry about.

"Comman-"

"It's fine..It's fine. I'm so sorry," Teica cleared a single tear from her eye, "Just a little.."

She quickly peered back at her own cards. One eight of circles... One nine...

"Raise.." Eight credits struck the table,

And the game continued.

 

[Constantine Oliva]

Hero of Namadii. Battle of Csilla. Praise wasn't supposed to hurt. ​

I grimaced. Those weren't heroic actions by any means. Namadii should have been a massacre, but we were saved by that Starhawk. I'd spent half that battle in a concussed daze. I closed my eye, remembering what I'd lost in that instant. So much more than just an eye. It'd forced me to realize how brutal war was. At Bastion and Byss, the loss of men hadn't stung so much. Now...Even an injury from an accident hurt more than the gaping hole I once saw out of.

That starhawk hadn't saved us all.​

Csilla. The first planet truly destroyed in centuries. The site of a massacre unmatched since the days of the Galactic Civil Wars. There'd beenso many heroes that day, trying to save civilians. Actions that would be read about in books and spoken of in awed tones by cadets at the War College for years to come. But that all felt so hollow...

We should have kept running. ​

Teica's shout didn't startle me as it did many of the others. Frankly, it wasn't surprising. She'd been through so much, even more than I had. She'd lost so many men and crewmates, people who she served with for years, in seemingly endless war. Were I in her position, I'd have retired after Ziost, if not before.

How did she keep going?​

I breathed a heavy sigh, and reopened my eye. Shocked expressions were fading, play beginning to start again. Teica was trying her best to move on, to keep playing. I was after her, to meet her raise or fold. I slipped my cards off the table again, taking care to ensure none fell. It was harder than I expected, though if i had both hand it'd have been easy. Twos, threes, and a pair of fours. Not worth the risk.

"Fold."

Teica Giraan

 

[Teica Giraan]

"Twenty-one," She let her own cards come to a rest on the table's topside.

Teica's expression slowly formed a gentle smile, though her eyes betrayed a feeling of lingering pain.

Soon after it came to life, however, the smile collapsed for all of a moment; and in that single moment, she watched each person at the table warp into charred, broken skeletons. Deathly, empty grins filled the lifeless mouths of each. Cackles soon greeted her, rushed through her consciousness with little remorse. But the laughter faded in time, and came back as something else entirely. Screaming. Agony.

And then it was over.

"-Pure Sabacc," Yaquee had taken care to aim a reassuring smile to each player, before fur-covered hands drew in the pile of earnings.

When her own smile reinforced itself, Teica once again surveyed the table-- almost terrified to look away, lest they...

"And so ends the reign of the Sabacc Champion, Teica Giraan," The world seemed to calm down with the arrival of stewards, at least for the next moments, "Enjoy it while it lasts. Something tells me that this queen is getting her throne back."

She soon let an excited grin form on her face, presented for all to see, with any morsel of tension seeming to evaporate within seconds. Her elbows now drew close to her sides, while her hands began to wave with pure glee, right as a uniformed steward set a darkened glass bottle down at the table's center; afterwards sliding glasses to each seated officer.

"Corellian Whiskey," Teica's hands joined at the portion of the tabletop in front of her, "I, uh, called in a few favors...Just wanted to get you all something special before I leave. And... looks like the good commodore decided to visit at the perfect time."

She made sure to aim a supportive nod toward Constantine, who had been there at the Namadii Corridor, at Csilla; another officer all too familiar with the burdens of command. But all that seemed to matter to her was that he had even taken the opportunity to sit down with the others, especially after several weeks of nonexistent contact.

She continued to relax her expression, seemingly ready to shed a tear, "It's not a drink for just any occasion, and it was a bit of a pain in the neck to get ahold of... But uhh...I think it was worth it."

"You're going to make me cry," Rieva joined both Yaquee and Kenth in pouring each respective amount of whiskey in their own individual mugs, "We'll be here when you come back."

"-If I come ba-"

"When...You...Come...Back," The captain nearly burst into laughter at the sight of Teica's own slight grin.

"When I come back." She repeated with water-filled eyes.

The ANV Epilogue would be leaving by 0800 the next day, destined to join the rest of Battlegroup Andor over Krayiss II, and promising to bring about the fall of the Sith. Since the first fall of the Galactic Alliance, she had waited, she had yearned for the day that the Sith Empire collapsed to its knees. And through her own terrifying years of service afterwards, the feelings had only grown. Now, with the day approaching, Teica was willing to do anything to watch the once mighty monsters meet their comeuppance.

Those were the same thoughts that had already killed so many under her command.

But if all went right, the bloodshed could quiet, her life could quiet along with so many others. And if it didn't...

She didn't know what she would do.

"To you four..." Teica's cheeks began to take on fresh tears while she raised her own glass in the air., "...the best damn friends I could ask for."

Constantine Oliva

 

[Constantine Oliva]

Twenty One. I saw why the others called her a Sabaac champion now. The corners of my mouth betrayed my amusement. She deserved her fun. After all the poor commander had been through... She still lost. It was almost poetic. So close to victory, but still defeated.

Just like Csilla.​

Not much was left to do now, but I watched as the group of friends laughed and the Bothan took their winnings. Though we were all still seated, they spoke as though I were at the back of a room. A group of friends and a stranger. I'd never had much time to make true friends, the years of service had been busy.

My eye met hers as she nodded to me. One of the only people I considered friends in this damned Galaxy. I stopped my whiskey glass carefully, narrowly stopping any from spilling with my ill-coordinated hand. Her and her friends spoke, commenting on the expense she'd taken to acquire the drink. I knew her hesitancy to commit to coming back. Her time on the Stygian hadn't ended well. Now she was returning there.

Krayiss II was meant to be the final blow. All the officers had heard about it. I wanted to be there, to witness the end of an Empire. To watch Teica's back. Unfortunately, my new Line wouldn't be assembled until about a week after the battle was expected to be over.

I raised my glass, smiling at my friend.

"To a bloodless victory, my friends. Good luck out there."

One Month Later
Anaxes
Aboard ANV Revenge
​

I stared out into the void, contemplating the news I'd just received. Krayiss had been a spectacular victory. The Sith Empire's last stand had ended in a triumph. I knew I wouldn't hear details of it for some time, so I held out hope. Hope that had been in vain. The report had just come through, per my request. The official details of what had happened, moment by moment.

She was dead. ​

Teica, the only friend I had, had died in combat. Her grave was the stars, he pyre her own vessel. Supposedly, she'd sacrificed her ship to destroy several Sith vessels. I would never know if that was truly the case. What I did know was that I'd lost her. She'd found the peace she'd been chasing. No more would she have to fight. I could take solace in that, at least.

If I had been there, could she have survived? ​

I shook my head, banishing the thought from my mind. Such things were useless to contemplate. I had the future to look to. I could mourn after I did my part to avenge her. I turned, and left my office. The first officer's meeting of my new flagship was in a few minutes, and I had to make a strong first impression.

Teica Giraan​