Three days until her speeder would be repaired. Means three days of keeping herself busy, occupied or otherwise out of trouble. Lorrsi and his brother were good to her as they always were. Still, her mind weighed heavily upon her. At first, the thoughts of leaving Tatooine were small like small pricks upon your skin. Then they grew into lesions, like an abscess feeding off of her self doubt. On the first day in Mos Eisley she spent time out and about, helping local merchants and moisture farmers. She meditated in the desert, the planet's binary suns burning around her as her cloak did well to soak up most of the heat.
She dug deep within to channel the light, channel anything really.
Nothing.
Her mind and her heart were too distraught, confused by the offer given to her from the strange woman and her associate.
Were you a Jedi?
Past tense. It stung deeper than the woman would have intended, Charlyra's face contorted with pain and disgust as she left her meditation in the desert for the coolness of the caves. Her white cloak fluttering in the wind as she moved it up around her face to block against the sand. Once she reached the shades of a local cavern she was able to find refuge atop a few rocks. There she took a seat and began to meditate once more concentrating on the small objects around her. She'd seen many on Tython manipulate them with the force and at the time she paid them no mind, after all she had been the best lightsaber duelist there.
Such pride.
The darkness of the cave, brings her comfort, as she closes her eyes and once more begins to meditate.
Were you a Jedi?
It rings in her mind again, agitating her. Were. You. A. Jedi?
Yes. She answers to herself, but what did that mean - it meant the self explanatory, were. Past tense, meaning no longer. Would you forsake your order? She asks herself, as her agitation grows. I would never forsake them. Then her answer should be simple, or so Master Ra would tell her.
After all these years, have I taught you nothing? She swears she can hear him, she knows it's silly, a silly thing to imagine from a silly girl, and yet she decides perhaps if she responds there might be a reply from her late master.
You taught me that there is no emotion, there is peace. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no-.
So, I see my teachings have done nothing more than to slip between your ears.
Master?
While, I ... enforced the code while you were still but a young padawan. I was, wrong to have forced it as I had. As you grew, I thought perhaps there could be another way. Do you recall the time we spent studying Jedi history?
Yes.
Our code, the Jedi Code the one we often rely on is only a version of the code. There is in fact another way of interpreting it, emotion yet peace, Ignorance yet knowledge, Passion yet serenity, Chaos yet harmony, finally Death yet the force. Before I left your side, I meditated on this and it's meaning. Charlyra, you are a Jedi and a passionate one, but perhaps the Order as we know it - is not fit for you.
No. It was I who was not fit to become a Jedi, Master. I was the one who failed you.
Nonsense, Charlyra. You could no more stop Saprus than I, and I was your master. It was my fault for dragging you into a personal affair. I, failed you.
Had, I been stronger YOU WOULD STILL BE HERE!
My child, grieve me if you must, but know that no matter the hour, the day or the minute my death was inevitable but you, you were always meant for something greater than I. I was a stubborn fool so set in his ways, Charlyra, meditate on today's events and look within yourself. You need not exile yourself, any longer.
MASTER!
Just as he had come, he was gone. Charlyra was left in tears, her throat could not make a sound as her sorrow left her face and touched upon the dusty rocks beneath her. Her face contorted once more but into a sadness, bereft. She had not mourned him before, in fact part of her had denied his death despite having witnessed it first hand. Don't leave me. She pleaded her eyes squeezed shut while she tried to steady her breathing. Taking in a deep breath, she decided that she'd had enough meditation for one day.
She headed back to the Winking Womp Rat in tears, Lorrsi offered a cup of warm milk but Charlyra would have none. Instead, she went straight to her room and fell onto the bed, curling into a ball.
Day two, she awoke with a throbbing headache. She hadn't eaten, and was about to walk out of her room when Lorrsi's brother met with her. He gave her a tray of food, some of their finest in fact. Cheeses, meats, bread and milk. They were terribly concerned but had not wished to intrude. Charlyra thanked him and retreated back into her room. She needed an introspection, time to look within herself but first she needed a bath, and a change of clothing and perhaps music from the cantina.
When her spirits were lifted by the regulars of the Womp Rat, and after her bath, Charlyra returned to her room. There she meditated once more, to find the answers she had been seeking. Her master's words taunted her, emotion yet peace. Ignorance yet knowledge. She repeated the rest of this code, and wondered why her master would tell her this now, had she been so distraught by these Silver Jedi or non-Jedi as she simply preferred to call them. So distraught that she had woke the spirit of her former master? Former.
She opened her eyes and stood up, thinking perhaps a walk would be best.
Walking out onto the desert sands that felt more like a convection oven, the brunette drew up her hood and walked toward the market. Hands within their keep next to her body. Her lightsaber clanked against her plasteel leggings. She watched as a child and their teacher argued and she smiled. Charlyra recalled a memory of her Master, when they were first meeting on Coruscant. Masters who selected from Clan Wulfsmaw were masters who were up for a challenge, they use to say. Ones who wanted to mold a fine Jedi Knight or Battlemaster, for very few Wulfsmaw pups were little else, even her own pack proved that where only three of the ten were not aggressive little things eager for blood.
"You're not very strong are you?" Master Ra asks as he looks at the young Charlyra.
Charlyra growled. "I might not be the strongest of my clan, but I am the best!"
She went in to attack, Master Ra stopped her with ease but he laughed, oh how he laughed. "You are a tenacious young one, aren't you?"
"You got that one, but I will prove to you that I am the best!" Charlyra retorted still trying to get a swing on Ra.
"Ha, ha!" He laughed and let her go, offering a hand. "How would you like for me, to train you?"
Her eyes went wide, mouth dropped. "You want me, to be your padawan?"
"That I do." Ra replied, "allow me to introduce myself. I am Master Ra'alon."
"I- I would be honored, please, yes, thank you!" Charlyra fumbled as she flushed and did her best to remember proper etiquette.
She was now approaching one of the stalls in the market, her heart warmed by the memory of her master. Charlyra decided to procure a gift for herself, a trinket as one might call it. A little figure of a Trooper, it was hand painted and looked much like the old Republic Trooper. She pressed a button and it made a sound, no, it said something. "I'm Commander Shepard of Havoc Squad!" Charlyra turned the toy over and looked to her left she spotted a young girl.
Getting up she walked toward her. "Here."
She handed the toy off, and walked away. Passion, yet serenity. The phrase cropped up into her mind as she wandered around the spaceport, watching and observing people. Perhaps, there could be a balance, a balance between the light and the dark. As she walked toward a street vendor selling crisped meats, she thought of her home world. Chandrila. Where they lived in more rural communities, and co-existed with the environment. In all things, there must be a balance, and so then there must and should be a balance within the force.
Charlyra purchased her meat snack and went on her way, heading back toward the Winking Womp Rat.
Chaos yet order, Death yet the force.
As she chewed along the crisp edges of the meat and allowed the salty and gamey flavors to seep into her taste buds. She thought on the meaning of the words spoken by her master. How this perhaps related to the offer given to her by the non-Jedi. Which brought up another question in her mind, how does one train in the force if one is not either Jedi or Sith? Are there neutral places, obviously - since she'd been solicited to join one such place.
The crackling of deep fried animal skin moved around her mouth as she finished off her snack.
Would I forsake my order?
She thought to herself as she walked back into the cantina, and saddled up at the bar for a cup of blue milk. Her eyes were vacant, deep within thought even after two glasses of milk. Charlyra's mind still occupied by yesterday's events as she walked down to her room. She set aside her lighsaber, her cloak and utility belt. Taking off her gloves she was instantly reminded of her sins, metallic hands and as Charlyra took a look at herself in the mirror. The visual scars of force lightning, the glistening of metal that laid beneath her skin. There to taunt of her of her failure, of what she had failed to do.
Closing her eyes, Charlyra knew better than to continually blame herself. Master Ra had told her, that there was no way she could have prevented his death. It brought her little comfort. Opening her eyes, she looked at herself in the mirror and saw the darkness within her. She foresaw the traditional Sith clothing, the dark cloaks, the breather mask and reddening of her eyes.
Still troubled, are we?
Yes, master.
I told you, Charlyra.
I know but I miss you, Master. I need you, your words and guidance now more than ever. I have never felt so lost in my life.
My dearest child, you are the greatest at burying yourself with guilt, aren't you? Come now, you know the answers already. You know in your heart that I will always be with you. Don't you? I have told you, you needn't exile yourself any longer. Look at me, Charlyra.
Master?
You are remarkable, you will overcome. I know you will, just remember who you are Charlyra, daughter of Anisma. Child of Clan Wulfsmaw, and Ammee's beloved, my padawan.
Master.
Just look deep within yourself, inside your heart and you will find all the answers you seek.
But I-
The journey will not be easy, but you know that already.
Master, I have forsaken you how can I go on with the Order?
Charlyra, you have never forsaken me. Look deep into your heart, and remember all that has brought you here. Know that you can be better, you are better, child.
Master...
Look at me, Lyra. I love you as if you were my own child, and how could I not? You were all a Master could have asked for, look into your heart and remember me, know that I will never be gone. I will always be with you, Lyra.
Charlyra looked away tears once more had filled her, as she sat on the ground. Tear stained eyes as she looked behind her and saw her lightsaber. Getting up from the ground she took it into her hand, and then dug around her satchel. She was going to retrieve Master Ra's saber from his vessel, the one parked here in Mos Eisley and reforge it into a second shoto. Shaking herself of sadness, Charlyra knew now she could not exile herself any longer and if these Silver Jedi as it were, were offering a way off of Tatooine...
Bolting out of the room she headed up the stairs and out of the Winking Womp Rat. She ran as fast as her constitution would allow, heading back to Ra's old vessel. There she stopped to breathe, to feel his memories on this ship, to remember him and all their journeys together. Charlyra hadn't even noticed that she was without her cloak. Her eyes were wide open as she walked straight to his room, and took his lightsaber out. She ran out looking for the nearest work bench, finding it in the cargo hold she set about reworking the saber with crystals that had been in her old room. She licked her lips in anticipation as she worked the mechanisms.
When she had finished, she held up the blade and used the force to summon her other blade. Charlyra marched straight into the training room and began to work with both blades. Tapping into her Jar'Kai and Ataru forms the brunette began to work into a rhythm, a sense of pride and resolution started to make its way through her. The ways of Jedi Guardians and Knights returned to her memory, there in a place of solace and understanding she found within herself. The answers she already knew, to accept the offer from the Silver Jedi and to leave Tatooine. The old Defender-class light corvette might have new life in it after all.
Charlyra spent the rest of the day and night aboard the vessel, training, meditating and preparing herself.
Day three, Charlyra returned to the Winking Womp Rat.
She went down to her room and put on her utility belt, and sheathed in both sabers. Ripping the sleeves off of her cloak she looked herself in the mirror once more. Now she saw a balance between the darkness and the light. A peace where she can exist within both sides of the force, to reconcile the war that had been brewing within. While she had not completely forgiven herself, she had started to accept that perhaps her Master's death could not have been prevented.
A small smile tugged at the corner of her lips, thank you, father.
Back at the counters of the Winking Womp Rat, she saddles up to the bar and orders her usual glass of milk. She waits for her speeder's repairs and flips the holocard in her hand. Firemane Industries and Technologies, Charlyra muses to herself what might lay ahead for her now that she's finally chosen to come out of her own self exile.
.))