Persistence in Transience

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi was kneeling on a mat in front of a group of students, many of them Younglings, some Padawans. They, in turn, sat cross-legged, as she had instructed them. Not everything a teacher did was to be imitated. While Amilthi sometimes explained novel techniques for everyone and instructed them to practice those, most of the time in her class was spent on discussing her students' individual experiences. It was important for them to learn to analyse and formulate those, and important for her to be able to give them guidance that applied to their particular individual situation and mistakes. She had a strange habit or rarely, if ever, mentioning the Force in those lessons. It wasn't that the experiences they were discussing had nothing to do with the Force - sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. But it simply wasn't a relevant category - and in fact, Amilthi herself often didn't quite know where to draw the boundary. It was a hard question which, while perhaps of interest, was wholly orthogonal to the practical goal she was pursuing here. At first the students had found this strange, and had kept asking about it, but by now they were mostly used to it and went along with it.

"Samani, would you mind finding a spot further in the back?" The Togruta girl looked confused, but rose from the floor. She seemed to hesitate, made a step, and then turned to Amilthi after all. "But... why?" the teenager eventually brought herself to ask.

"Because Amos can't keep his eyes off you", said Amilthi matter-of-factly. The boy blushed furiously. She didn't exactly enjoy embarrassing him, but there was a lesson in this that all of them ought in principle to be aware of. Telling the girl that they would speak in private later would create a confusing situation now, and Amilthi didn't have the patience to deal with this. By being nonchalantly to-the-point, she hoped to make it clear to her students that these things were to be acknowledged as a reality and treated maturely and with equanimity. And if she was quite honest with herself, she had to admit that she also lacked the patience to deal with the matter in a more delicate manner. A few giggles in the room died at a stern look from Amilthi.

"Now. What has been happening in your practice? Has anyone had interesting experiences?" She looked around among her students.

A human girl in her early teens raised her hand. "Yes, Myra?" - "Master, when the others meditate, they are always having fun and it's supposed to be pleasant. But when I do it, I'm miserable and I want to stop. What am I doing wrong?" she asked plaintively.

"Nothing. You are working on an important lesson that awaits many of your fellow students later. Pleasure isn't the point of our practice. It's nice, and it's good for you to know that you have the ability to access it. But there is much beyond it, and there is a danger in indulging it too much. Which ones of you have had the experience of spending an hour in a state of pure bliss without it going anywhere? Del maybe?" A friendly look from her eyes fell on the boy. She was, on the one hand, putting him on the spot, but she was also showing him that she was paying attention to his development - and she had been trying to foster in her study group a culture of talking about inner events in an analytic way and without shame.

"Yes, Master", the boy affirmed. "I was actually going to ask..." He hesitated to continue, and Amilthi didn't hesitate to take the words out of his mouth. "... where this is supposed to lead and what you should do with it?" The boy nodded seriously. "This is a very good question and I will tell you. But for now we need to solve Myra's problem, because she is suffering."

And with that Amilthi turned back to Myra. "First of all, do not worry - this doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. If you must, have one of the healers check of you, but they will not find anything. Do not keep looking. What you are experiencing is simply your mind having opened to signals from your body that are always there and which you just used not to notice. You have a long path ahead of you, but I assure you that the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is there. I walked this same path myself many years ago. When you feel the pain, you judge it as something that is bad and should go away, and you yearn for it to be replaced by pleasure. Maybe you get stuck on that thought. Maybe you look around for a pleasant sensation, enjoy it for a moment, and are disappointed and thrown back when it inevitably disappears. Or maybe you don't find one in the first place. You feel like you can't escape the pain. Is that about right?"

"Uhm, yes, I suppose..." said the girl uncomfortably.

"Well, next time pay attention and investigate how what I said applies. To notice this dynamic is the first step and be able to observe it is the first step. And then you stare right at the pain, and instead of judging it and wanting it to cease, you investigate it. You will find many things, such as that it is actually not constant, like your thoughts and the other bodily sensations you have been observing. But to notice that is not enough, because the brief moments where it is not present will still be filled by anxious anticipation of the next pang. Observe that, too, and eventually, something in your mind will shift - and you will no longer find yourself thinking that the pain needs to go away. You will have accepted it as just one of many things that happen, but it will have lost its power over you. And then, once you no longer need it to, you will find that it goes away. This can take a long time even if you work assiduously, weeks or even months. You will be tempted to lose hope, it will seem to you that what I described is absurd and could never happen. Do not lose hope, and do not give up. It does work", Amilthi ended with an enigmatic smile.

The girl looked thoughtful, but unhappy. It seemed she took little comfort in what Amilthi had just explained to her, and one could hardly blame her for not being enticed by the prospect of weeks or months of discomfort which felt so much longer to someone her age.

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

Starchaser had been around the Praxeum enough and was starting to do a bit of work with the older younglings. Getting the younglings their basic training was important. Getting a bit acquainted with the Force, on all of its facets, and learning how the Light Side was supposed to be used. The man took the older Jedi students, Padawans waiting to selected by a Master, or assigned a task in wherever they may have ended up. He was there to help teach them how to track down the dark side, and for most, stalling the dark side.

The methods of teaching tended to involve field trips, and he kept them away from the worst. Exposing the Jedi students to the dark side was not the best thing, but they needed to feel the darkness, the illness in the Force, and the reason to avoid it. The man was not one of the normal Jedi Masters here, students like Mishel Noren and helping Romi Jade before, well, everything. The man shook his head as he thought of that. What he was doing here today though, was checking on other Knights, seeing who the leaders were in the up-and-coming Jedi.

He told [member="Amilthi Camlenn"] that he was going to be coming around. During the conversation she was having with the younglings, the Jedi Master, clad in black stepped into the room, finding a spot in the back, and gave a grin to one of the younglings who looked concerned. When Coren was around, it was because something was a problem. And that was something that was explained by the actual staff of the Prax when introducing Coren as he came to the school.

A look over at Amil, the man smirked. Listening to the conversation he was nodding along, waiting to see how the kids reacted to her discusson.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi seemed to take no notice of Coren's arrival during her explanations for unhappy Myra and the others. When she had ended, her glance briefly touched him, but she lost no time to continue.

"Now for Del's problem. You've noticed that to just sit there in blissful tranquility gets a bit old after a while, yes? That's an excellent observation, and you should reflect on that. Get into the blissful state, stay there, and observe your own lack of ultimate satisfaction. And as you do so and learn to detach yourself from positive emotions as much as from negative ones, all the while experiencing them as intensely as you experience that bliss, you will find true freedom and peace. That is what the words emotion, yet peace in the code are all about."

Amilthi's eyes fell on Amos, the boy who had been so distracted by his female fellow student. He had his eyes closed and was holding himself rigidly upright. “Amos, you’re not supposed to be meditating now. Listen to what your fellow learners discover and benefit from it”, she interrupted herself. The boy looked as if he wanted to protest, but couldn't find words to say quite quickly enough. “And no daydreaming of Samani, either”, added Amilthi dryly. The students, with the obvious exception, broke out in laughter.

Amilthi waited calmly for silence to return and then continued her explanation as if nothing had happened. "This may not make sense to you right now, you cannot yet imagine the state you will then be in. But as always, the key when you notice something is to continue observing and examining it, and as you do so the insight will eventually come", she said encouragingly, and ended with a faint smile.

Amilthi remained silent for a moment, her gaze wandering between the students. Eventually she spoke again with a wry smile. "What do you think, young ones, has Master Starchaser here been practicing as diligently as you have?" She turned to Coren. "Have you been having any interesting experiences you'd like to tell us about?"

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

The Jedi Master was fine with Amilthi focusing on the students. He wasn’t really there to disrupt, more to observe, and see what he could learn about the latest Knight to come to the Praxeum and offer their skills or the next generation. When she did look up, though, there was time for a quick smile from Coren and a nod. Letting her continue was going to be key to why he was even here.

Speaking about meditation, this was one of those required practices for a Jedi. Clear the mind, and allow for a calmer head to proceed in the way of making decisions. Coren was always supporting that mentality and move. Listening to her speak to the younger students was definitely impressive. Coren was much more impulsive and reckless, he didn’t have the time or patience for younger students. Hence why his own were a bit older, ready and willing to take chances and able to defend themselves.

Defense against the Dark Arts, say what?

Anyone who knew what Coren taught here, and knew his whole story, to some a bit of a hero and legend, to others, the idea of what not to do as a Jedi. He smiled as the students all turned to him. He could hear a mixed review of him. The Jedi master had his weapon on his hip and he was watching. “Interesting? Maybe. Life saving, definitely. I know that Jedi are not always focused on combat, we’re defenders. But in the moment? When you’re doing what you can to help those who need you? Knowing your training, and how to focus your mind will save your life.” He looked at Amilthi, then the students.

Maybe not the best story to lead with.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

"Life and death - that's a difficult topic", said Amilthi darkly. It was as if a shadow had fallen over her as she looked at Coren intently. "Perhaps it is better to set it aside, and to keep combat out of a meditation lesson", she added with a hint of reproach.

"The notion of helping others, on the other hand, is something that some find useful to meditate on", she went on, her attention returned to the younger students. "Or to be more precise, not the act of helping them, but the sentiment behind it. There is a practice that consists in cultivating a love for all living beings. It is not easy to get a grip on this, least of all at your age." Her eyes rested on Amos, but this time she said nothing to point him out specifically. "But for some, it helps to seed the process by focussing on the sympathy for an individual person, a friend - and then learning to abstract that sympathy from the particular object..."

***​

When the class had ended a short while later, Amilthi stood up and turned her back on the students as they were leaving, walking over to the window behind her. She stood there and looked out into the forest. Slowly and somehow hesitantly, stopping once in the middle of the motion, she raised her hand and put her fingers against her cheek, pensively. Somehow she seemed disturbed.

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

They were constants in the world. Life and death. One required the other, the same way the light required the darkness. He knew that, and it wasn’t even a fight thing. The light side was great, but f one didn’t experience how bad things could go, how could they experience how good it could be? “But knowing where the Light is and the Dark is, and where you remain on that scale is important.” The Jedi Master nodded as he looked at the students.

“On the sympathy, or protection. The best is to view the light side as being helpful, the dark side could be seen as simply apathy if you could help someone through an act of kindness or assistance. Helping someone with repairs, or a bit of credit can be just what is needed to push someone into the right place.” This, he was hoping, could be more useful for the students.

***​

Eyes on the Sage, Coren watched as she stepped to the window. Approaching the window and standing by her side, he tipped his head as he relaxed, reaching out with the Force. “What’s on your mind, Amil? Students?” Or was it him coming in and speaking on his focus on what he called active defense?

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi could feel Coren's warmly energetic presence, more strongly than usually, but she did not avert her eyes from the trees outside. They, too, seemed to be curiously pulsating with life today. "No", she said distantly in response to his question.

Only after several seconds did she speak. "I... kind of died this morning", she said pensively, and fell silent again. Eventually she turned her head and forced herself to smile, looking somehow apologetic, but gave up a moment later. Something was clearly off from her normal composed demeanour. "I fell into a sort of hole, lost awareness of my body, and stopped... existing. I don't mean unconsciousness. There was still consciousness, there just wasn't any me. Not in particular." She moved a streak of hair out of her face.

"I've never understood what the last line of the code means. 'Death, yet the Force.'" As always, she made a point of referencing the oldest, original version of the code, which in its simplicity and quasi-contradictoriness expressed the richest truths. Everything that had come after was a dilution. "Maybe I'm finally looking in the right place."

It was as if she had suddenly remembered something when she continued. "Have you ever come close to dying? What do you think about it?"

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

The Jedi Master was the type who did his best to form connections. Not in the way the Exile, or even Aryn Teth did, which caused too many people to follow him to wherever he was leading them, but to form the connections to strengthen bonds. The type of connection that would reinforce everyone, pushing good energy to where it was needed, fill the cracks, strengthen the team. It was something he was working on. But when she said no, the Master turned to her, looking from the window.

He didn’t speak right away, letting her state what was on her mind. Dying? He would have felt that, if it was a Sith or something where her intention was pushed aside, wouldn’t he? He was a Jedi Watchman, and through one step of fate or another, he was watching over the Praxeum. But this? He turned to Amilthi again. “I… don’t follow. I mean, when certain Jedi die, they can exist on the other side. But not everyone.” Zark and Omai Rhen, both mentors to Coren, were examples of each.

“Its what we strive for, though, to be able to pass our lessons on to the next generation, and the ones after that. That is what that last line has always meant to me.” At least as defined by his father in the Starchaser holocron.

He took a eat. “Close to dying? Several times. At the hand of others, but also in the service of those who needed it.” Maybe not so much at Coruscant, that was more for Coren and the Alliance. “But it doesn’t scare me. Its what separates me from Arcanus, at times. He knows that Jedi are not warriors, but I know that we are defenders, and that sometimes means going to war, for the right reasons.” Different sides, the same coin.

“But I don’t fear it.”

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

Amilthi smiled apologetically when Coren professed that he wasn't following. She had taken far too much for granted that was perhaps peculiar to her. But one thing about his words began to irk her. Coren, as always, was viewing things in such practical - and always confrontational - terms.

"I don't mean close to death in the probabilistic sense, where you narrowly escaped it in an improbable manner. I mean... experientially. Extreme hypothermia or something like that. Some state that would have given you an idea of what it's like to die - or even what it's like to be dead. I suppose not. Nor do I believe you when you say you're not afraid to die. I can't picture you looking at the prospect of being unable to continue your fight with calm and equanimity." She was not lightly teasing him with these words. There was a darkness in her voice, and while the emotion that so expressed itself fell short of disdain and accusation, there was at least a tinge of impatience.

She looked out of the window solemnly and paused for some moments before she picked up his earlier confusion. "I meant a kind of meditative state. I know many of them, including some exceedingly strange ones that few people are familiar with. But today I stumbled into a new one. What you call existence on the other side - that's what's obscure to me. What it's like and how to get there. In a sense, what I experienced was the opposite of it - I didn't exist even though I was alive. But sometimes opposites flow together, or it can in some other way be the key to understanding what it means to continue to exist when one is dead."

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

There were many things that Starchaser was good at, but certain waxings of philosophy left him a bit helpless at times. And with AMilthi, he wanted to prove he respected what she had to say, and as a result was stepping away from just handwaving an understanding and really get to the root of the matter. Sure, his experience was typically on a life-or-death in an active and confrontational existence, but he was a warrior and an explorer, that was what he knew. Throwing his life to the wilds, of the galaxy or war.

He grinned when she restated and called him out on his definition. “Taking to death like someone should, not the way they could be forced to. I mean, when I’ve been EV, you’ve got a few minutes to get retrieved by the retrieval units and that is close, but you tend to be aware of what’s going on, and pilots are explained the situation they'll find themselves in.” He took another second to consider the latter of what she had said. Afraid to die?

“I suppose you’re right there. I will go down swinging, and doing my best to keep the attention on me.” He was the wall between the good and bad of the galaxy, the sword that the Jedi needed.

Another beat.

“Have you taken a chance to review any of the teachings from a … Jinn? Jedi from the Jedi Order of the Old Republic days? Taught the man who taught Skywalker, supposedly? But… what do you mean, didn’t exist? That sounds paradoxical to me.” How could you know you weren’t existing if you… This was why Coren dove into the martial and hunting aspects of being a Force user and Jedi.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

"Yes, that's quite how I imagine you going down", said Amilthi pensively. "But when you're confronted with the possibility of death in the heat of battle, or in some other physical turmoil, you don't quite grasp it, you don't think it through, and you don't approach it - it remains alien, you just know that it's there and act accordingly. I don't mean you personally, I was the same during the war."

Then she suddenly chuckled. "Yes, it does sound paradoxical. And yet these words are the best I can find to describe it. Just think of how we struggle all the time to convey insights about the Force that our language is not suited to capturing, how we grasp at their vicinity with metaphors and hope to nudge others in the right direction - who are confused by our words but then, when they finally arrive, see what we meant? After all, the very Jedi Code is pure paradox, it posits the simultaneity of pairs of things that, in common understanding, are mutually exclusive."

"I haven't heard of Jinn. I suppose I should inquire with Master Oros whether there are any extant writings of his or about him? Why were you reminded of him - because he has a treatise about the last line?"

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

The Jedi knew what his lot in life was. He wasn’t here to lead, he was here to defend. He was made to protect the galaxy, even, in some cases, at the expense of their own lives. “No, I don’t suppose you do. At that point, the Living Force and adrenaline take over, depending on how you look at it, and what is looking at you. You take the world for what it is, because it sneaks up on you. You are standing firm for what you believe in.” At least that was how Coren was going to go into the darkness. Or the light of the Force, he still didn’t know.

“I tend to not get too close to paradoxes, I know they can seriously ruin things.” He tried to laugh for a second. Shaking his head he looked back at the Sage. “The Aing-Tii and other species have a different approach to the Force than the Jedi do. It reinforces certain concepts. Its definitely one way to get answers. Sometimes though, the metaphors are more straight forward. The Code… I’ve always seen it strengthened by a personal approach.

“Jinn was a Jedi who approached the Force differently than the rest of his time, but word has it, he could pass on his life and interact even after death, a skill only certain Jedi could master…”

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

"Many people find many things in the Code. But ultimately I believe it's to be read as a statement of fact." Amilthi shrugged, but listened up at Coren's mention of the ancient Jedi Master Jinn. "Intriguing", she said, pensive.

After a second, as if she had abruptly arrived at a conclusion, she continued: "And yet another paradoxical metaphor, surely, for something that language is ill-shaped to pinpoint." It was as if the wheels of her mind had been set in motion. To explore this kind of immortality was an extremely attractive proposition - for none of the reason that people normally concerned themselves with such questions. Most who did so were attached to their continuity of experience and the experiencing self and dreaded its end. This was any normal being's perspective on death. But Amilthi's entire conception of the relationship between experience, existence, and identity was not in such a solidified condition. It had been softening, and today it had been shattered in a most disturbing fashion. But in this disturbance also lay a prospect of something new and important. It was part curiosity that drove her, and part the feeling that if she could manage to imprint some of the features that constituted her person onto the universe in a more permanent fashion and have them exert influence, as Jinn apparently had succeeded in doing, it could be considered as a permanent improvement. She was struck and frightened by the realisation that, considering the vastness of time and life span of the universe, this might well be the most important and impactful thing ever for her to do.

This suddenly led to the thought that she should try not to die before she achieved such - which seemed deeply wrong, as all of her feelings had pointed towards death not being a matter of such great import. More paradox. Deeply confused and preoccupied, Amilthi couldn't find anything to say.

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

“A statement as fact? The Code was written for a reason, clearly, but it could be something we all grow beyond, or at least our Master’s interpretations. Its something that I’ve heard as well.” The best thing about being in this time line? Both the Legends and New Canon were both true. “But yeah, Jinn was a bit more… gray, than most Jedi are. Even me.” Coren was known for being loose and quick with the rules, but he was a Jedi. The Living Force and Unifying Force got a bit messy, but he knew that he had to trust his instincts, and that running off into battle, lightsaber at the ready, was something that not every Jedi did.

But it was needed.

That was possibly a reason Skywalker had recruited certain people and trained them as a Jedi. “But sometimes… the Force makes things not so easy. There are many ways that things can be… broken.” He shrugged and took a seat. “Is there a point where death could be better than… alternatives, do you figure?” He looked at the woman for a second, considering his own words.

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]

 

[Amilthi Camlenn]

"Preferable?" Amilthi thought for a moment. "Difficult to say, now that it turns out I don't even know what death is. We stay alive because we think in this state, we can influence the world for the better. Hard to see how death could improve on that, but perhaps it can?" She smiley wryly. It seemed to give her a certain joy to entertain an outrageous idea.

"It must be better to be dead than to be a harmful influence. I hope if my mind is ever transformed into something of ill intentions, it will be destroyed." Amilthi realised that was a harsh thing to say in light of recent events. But if things were such that her words applied, then as far as she was concerned, Romi no longer existed, replaced by a different being the world would be better without. But she had not witnessed the events on Ossus, and Coren had not spoken about them.

Amilthi looked at Coren and then smiled gently. "What exactly happened to Romi, anyway? Does she still exist?" It might have sounded like a change of topic, though in fact it was not.

[member="Coren Starchaser"]​

 

[Coren Starchaser]

Nodding, the Jedi Master understood the concepts behind the train of thought with being alive. “Its what we fight for every day, even just under natural circumstance. We wake, breath, eat, drink.” He shrugged. “What the thought process is, being part of the Force, you can help the galaxy by being there to assist the Jedi, or whatever group is fighting for the same side in the future. But you can understand the shades of the galaxy.”

The man looked at the Sage. He gave her another stare, a bit of concern. “There are those who can remove an impression from someone to the Force. Having spoken to Master Zark, I know it did happen to Omai Rhen, partially. But if it could be done… I am still not completely positive it is what is right. Even at the height of our time, the New Jedi Order we locked dark siders in cells to figure out how to approach them.”

A beat, and a breath, the man looked at Amilthi. “Romi… that situation is… I will offer her the chance. But… she’s already used much of my good will. And its foolhardy of a Jedi to not remove a problem. Rather than repeat circumstances.”

[member="Amilthi Camlenn"]