Private Our Solemn Hour

[Jairdain]

There were very few things that would make Jairdain nervous, and today was one of them. She had reached out to her youngest daughter. The one that had left her not long after Yuroic had died. A woman now and a child the last they had seen each other. Both of them likely felt that the other had abandoned them. Dreidi had joined the CIS and was raised and trained there by her adopted sister. Asharaa was another person she should try to contact, but today, she needed to focus on her biological daughter.

Jairdain had invited Dreidi to return to their house on Commenor, a place they should both be comfortable in. Less informal than her office, it was familiar to them both, even if Dreidi hadn't lived here very long after her father died. At the thought of her former husband, Jairdain caressed the carved items he had gifted her and that she kept on a shelf.

Hearing steps coming up the walkway, she turned and waited to see if her child would come in on her or knock.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

A message that had been years in the waiting. A message that in Dreidi's mind was much too late now, but she knew that refusing would not help anyone. Dreidi had gone through a lot since that last time she had seen her mother, she survived the fall of the CIS and was now working part of the Galactic Alliance. She had also been discovering more about her Dathomirian connection from her father, as well as understanding what it meant to be a Zorren as well.

Arriving on Commenor, Dreidi sighed deeply. Breathing in deeply and looking around the spaceport, it had been a long time since she had been here. Last time she had been on Commenor, she was still connected to her siblings Marcus and Nitya. Now they were strangers to her since she had no idea where they were in the galaxy and what they looked like now.

Reaching their old home, she thought about just walking in or teleporting in as a demonstration of her skill. Showing how powerful Dreidi had become without her mother's presence. But she didn't. It felt petty and something she would have done 5 years ago or so, but she didn't feel the need to be petty anymore. She was here for some closure and to see if there was a chance to move forward. Dreidi might never see her mother in the way Jairdain would want, but Dreidi might develop some care and love for her.

Taking a deep breath in, Dreidi raised her hand and knocked on the door.

 

[Jairdain]

A small part of the blind woman was disappointed that her daughter had never contacted her. Then again, she had also been missing for a few years, and only recently had Jairdain returned to the world of the living. This was no real excuse for not reaching out to her before disappearing. There was no forgiveness for that, and Jairdain somehow knew it.

When Dreidi knocked on the door, her mother moved to open it for her. Her focus was on her daughter. The child that had left to be on her own was now an adult. Stepping aside, she invited Dreidi in with a motion of her arm and hoped she would come in.

The silence was a bit tense, and Jairdain was undoubtedly nervous. In the distant past, she had tried to teach her daughters how to read people's emotions. Nitya was better at it, but she hoped some of her lessons had stuck with her youngest.

Hoping she wasn't going to break down so soon, she didn't doubt that it would eventually happen. She turned to face her daughter. Drawing in a deep breath and letting it out as almost a sigh, she still couldn't quite find her voice. It was very hard to apologize, but the words formed and did come out.

"I am so very sorry, Dreidi. For letting you go, not trying to keep in touch, and then abandoning you."

The simple apology was on the table, and they still stood at the door.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

Dreidi walked into the house and looked around. It was smaller than she remembered the place being, she had been a child and of course that meant she had been much smaller, but she never thought it would be such a stark difference. "So surprising how different being here as an adult is to when I was a kid." Dreidi commented, not really acknowledging the apology initially as she just took a look around the room and then finally looked over to her mother and decided it was finally time to deal with the enormous elephant in the room.

"Yeah, not really mother of the year when you hook up with a new guy months after dad died while neglecting your children who are still grieving." Dreidi stated dryly, then bit her tongue as she was realising it was too harsh to come out the gate but there was so much she was not saying to her mother. "Look, Asaraa raised me fine but you left Nitya and Marcus to fend for themselves as well. Between dad's death and you leaving us, it has turned our family into a group of strangers. I don't think I could be able to recognise Nitya and Marcus if I saw them."

She used her Magick and pulled a chair towards her as she sat down, leaning back against it. "But blaming you, solely blaming you, that isn't going to help us move forward and it isn't the truth. You hold some blame, a good amount of it but dad chose to fight a battle he knew he would die fighting and that was unfair of him to do so." Dreidi mentioned, she was attempting to not linger on the pain and anger she held towards her mother, constantly hearing from Jax that her mother was dating, engaged and then married to the man but never hearing it from Jairdain. That had been tough, especially hearing Jax keep saying that Jairdain wanted a relationship with her but never making the effort to contact Dreidi directly.

"So, how do you propose we move forward?" Dreidi asked since she had no clue where to go from here, she honestly assumed she would live her very long life without ever talking with her mother again.

 

[Jairdain]

That was something Jairdain was unable to comprehend, really. Her daughter's size comment was unexpected, and she didn't know how to respond. Luckily, it was quickly moved past, and the heart of the meeting was brought up. A flash of real anger filled the Jedi, and she filed it away to be dealt with later.

"Marcus was already an adult, and Nitya was older than me when my parents died."

It was hardly a defense, and Jairdain knew that. Her child might not also remember that she didn't have parents after the age of 15 anyway, so she had no idea how to be one.

"You also chose to leave and stay away. Leaving me alone at pretty much the same time. The death of your father was the worst thing that could have happened. We both know it wasn't his true nature to lie around like..."

The tears she was holding back threatened to spill again, and Jairdain did her best to keep them in check. However, they still welled in her eyes. Lifting a hand to wipe them away, her effort to control her sorrow failed. There was no running this time; she had to face her daughter and confront her choices.

"My coping mechanism when I have been faced with anything negative has been to run and hide. So that is exactly what I did. I made a mistake; there is no going back and changing that, Dreidi. I have made many mistakes throughout my life."

As she spoke the last part, her voice seemed to start fading away, like she didn't want to admit her mistakes entirely. Yuroic was never one of those. Through their ups and downs, he had been the rock that held everything together. With his death, that anchor was gone, and Jairdain had floated away. Not long after, Dreidi had left, and by the time the Master had resurfaced, it was too late to bring the family back together.

So, she was now making an effort to get the forgiveness of one of her children. Even though Jairdain had a lot of sorrow, there was still happiness inside of her—something that had been lacking since before Dreidi had left. In a way, a small piece of her felt like her daughter had abandoned her. She kept this to herself and didn't know if she would ever mention it.

"We can either remain strangers to each other or attempt to become mother and daughter again. I know what my choice is, but in the end, it is up to you. Do you accept my apology? Can my leaving you alone at a young age be forgiven?"


Drawing in a breath and letting it out as a sigh, she waited on Dreidi.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

Dreidi had to do a sharp intake and calming her thoughts. The justification of their age, it was gross in Dreidi's mind, they were not their mother, this affected them. "Don't make excuses and using your trauma to justify doing the same thing to us." Dreidi spoke in a calm, collected tone. "If anything, it makes what you did worse, you know what it is like to be left alone, grieving and with no one to support you. Then you decided to do the exact same thing to your own kids." Dreidi was firm in her tone, she wasn't letting Jairdain worm out of guilt because of the traumatic life that she led.

"I had to leave. Everything reminded me of him, you were gone and if it wasn't for Asaraa, I would have gone crazy." Dreidi fought back, leaving had been her choice but she was also 13, blaming Dreidi for leaving seemed incredulous to her. "You are the parent, it was on you to keep in contact, whether I wanted to talk or not. Just knowing you were there, that you wanted me in your life. That was what I needed." Her golden eyes pierced into Jairdain, she wasn't angry but there was sadness, there was a feeling that her mother didn't want her that she was a failure. That she was not strong enough, that if Dreidi had been stronger then they would still be together on Kashyyyk or Commenor. "But you were silent, and I heard of your new relationship from the guy. Not you."

Breathing out slowly as Dreidi had to lean back in the chair as she thought about everything, everything that was going on. "Dad was reckless and he chose to go out in a blaze of glory than staying with his family. It is something I had to talk with him, and it was not easy since it was understandable with his condition that he did not want to give us those memories of him and just the ones where we were all happy." Dreidi had been to the Netherworld herself and communed with her father several times, he had made an effort to try pushing Dreidi to mend the relationship with Jairdain but his words fell on deaf ears.

"Mother and daughter?" Dreidi thought long on it, "that is something that will take time to achieve. But... I am willing to try, just no more surprises or hiding things." Dreidi stated firmly, she was not sure how things would go but she was going to demand a relationship that develops into something trusting and where she didn't have to worry about her mother abandoning her again.

 

[Jairdain]

There were worse things Jairdain could have done to her children. Physical abuse came to her mind, but it wasn't in her nature to be violent. Listening to Dreidi, she remained silent. Over the years, maybe Jairdain had spoken more than she listened. Today, that was going to change. For many years, she had been a teacher and guide. The kind of woman that took charge and remained there.

"I was told you had left because you could not stay in a government that chose to ally itself with the Sith. My job, my life, and my family were here. Then you decided to go. I didn't stop you because you needed to learn to be on your own and grow up. I'm glad you found refuge with Asa. Your father would be proud of what you've become and done on your own."

It seemed Dreidi had been to visit her father more than she had. That was probably a good thing. This way, Jairdain could almost entirely move beyond Yuroic and get on with her future—a future she wanted to contain her whole family.

She wondered if Dreidi realized just how good her life had been. At least, it had been good until her father had died. Then it went to hell, and she couldn't hold things together. First, Yuroic, then Dreidi, and lastly, Nitya. Only then did Jairdain try to run and failed to be on her own. She ran right into Jax...well, not that quickly, but far too fast for many people. She had chatted with an old friend about it, and he had set her mind at ease by telling her that what other people thought about her situation didn't matter—only her opinion.

A weight was lifted from her shoulders when Dreidi said she was willing to give her another chance to be a mother.

"I didn't do it on purpose, you know. Even if it was my job to keep you updated, I didn't know if you were interested. So I left you alone. Now, to make a future for us."

Holding a hand out to her daughter to shake, she wasn't going to try to hug her—not until Dreidi indicated she was ready.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

Just because there were worse things that Jairdain could have done as a parent, did not excuse the trauma and pain that her actions did cause. Dreidi suffered for years with intimacy and commitment because she never thought anyone was going to stay in her life, that they would leave and abandon her. To this day, Dreidi never understood the appeal of love or marriage because it only caused heartbreak and pain.

However, Dreidi was constantly reminding herself that no one in her family, even herself, was without blame for the distance that they all felt. She hadn't attempted to keep in contact with her siblings and purposefully chose to not be the one reaching out to Jairdain as well. It was her choice now to take a step back and to accept that she had to move forward and not linger in the pain, the loneliness and the self loathing of her past.

Wanting Jairdain to see that part of Dreidi blamed herself more than she blamed anyone else, but her mother didn't see that and Dreidi had to accept that it was something she needed to deal with herself. "I left long before the SJO sided with the Sith to fight the Bryn'adul. That wasn't why I joined the CIS. But it did reinforce the decision was the correct one for me." Dreidi stated firmly.

"You are my mother. I will always be interested." Dreidi stated firmly, while she could not bring herself to say that she loved Jairdain, she did love her mother still. It was just hard to say the words. "I just couldn't make the first move, not after seeing how fast you had moved on and not saying a word to me."

She didn't care that Jairdain had found new love, it was more the issue of never being told by her mother about her moving forward. It felt like she had been forgotten and a new life had been made without her in it. But that was worries that were extreme and clearly untrue.

Reaching forward, Dreidi shook her mother's hand and nodded her head. It was important for them both to think forward and not to linger on the past.

 

[Jairdain]

"I should have followed you. Did you end up fighting the Bryn'adul as well? I did more than once and didn't accomplish much."

This wasn't an attempt to change the subject but an effort to get to know Dreidi again. That would take time, and this was just the first day. After asking the question, Jairdain breathed quietly and allowed her daughter to finish her statement.

Clearly, her daughter felt she had moved on from Yuroic too quickly.

"Maybe someday you might understand these kinds of things aren't planned. I'm sorry, and I will do my best to keep you in my life and keep you updated on my emotional state. When your father died, a piece of me died as well. I needed time to recover, and much like you, I needed to get away from everything that reminded me of him.

"Perhaps I also figured I'd moved on too quickly. However, the past can't be changed, but we can make a new future. Thank you for this chance, Dreidi. I won't waste it."

Offering her youngest a smile, she gently squeezed her hand and held it silently for a moment.

"Who is your friend?"

Speaking of the Vulptex, she did not move to pet the little one.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

Shaking her head, "following me wouldn't have helped. But you should have stayed in contact. We both should have stayed in contact." Dreidi stated. "I never faced the Bryn'adul. I fought Sith but that is it." Her hand placed itself on her stomach where the scar of her encounter with Darth Carnifex lingered and her memories remembered the searing pain.

Breathing in deeply, it had been terrifying how close to death the strike had been. However, some time had passed since then and there was a lot that Dreidi had learned and she was only growing in her strengths and understanding the limitations and weaknesses that she had. Dreidi shrugged, "I am not upset that you moved forward or that you found love when you weren't necessarily looking for it. Dad wasn't dad for a number of years before he passed so I understand you might have needed companionship or whatever sooner than others might have thought about."

"What upset me was hearing it from others. That it went from meeting, dating, engaged and married without you updating me or even inviting me to the ceremony. How could we be a family when I didn't even celebrate your wedding with you?" Dreidi asked, she was never big for romance or felt the need to celebrate marriages or such commitments but this was her mother and this was important to her mother. It hurt Dreidi that she missed out on important events like that and made Dreidi feel like her mother wanted to forget her previous family, at least when she was younger she felt that way.

Looking down at Grisial, she allowed him to introduce himself, speaking through the Force to Jairdain, I am Grisial! Hi! What should I call you?

 

[Jairdain]

Giving her daughter half of a smile, she allowed Dreidi to finish speaking before giving her voice.

"That's it? Many don't walk away from fighting Sith. When your dad and I married, we didn't tell anybody until after. So it is just how I've done things. Not saying it was right by any means, just what I was used to."

Jairdain felt relief when her youngest said she wasn't upset about her moving on from Yuroic. She had never expected that to happen, but it had, and they all needed to accept that—not just Dreidi but Marcus and Nitya as well. She hadn't even approached the other two.

"Sorry is so lame and pathetic. It's also not enough. All we can do is move on and do better together."

Focusing on Grisial when he spoke in her mind, she smiled at him.

I am Jairdain. It is a pleasure to meet you, Grisial. I hope you two are taking care of each other.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

She shrugged her shoulders, "I just remember the missions and battles that you and father fought in. You guys did a lot more than I have by the time you were my age." Dreidi knew she had done a decent amount but her achievements paled in comparison to her own parents.

Nodding her head, she agreed that they needed to move forward and do better. It was good to have a chance of potentially achieving a functioning family relationship, Dreidi never thought it was possible for years. Especially with her own mother.

Letting Grisial enjoy his chance to communicate and talk, Dreidi just watched the pair interact, she could sense the conversation through Grisial so she knew there was nothing the Vulptex could hide from her in regards to what they discussed.

We do. Dreidi has been trying to teach me how to fight and keep myself safe in combat, especially against Force Users. Grisial commented though he was not built to be a fighter, their connection put the Vulptex in conflict more often than either Dreidi or he would like. The Vulptex was also proving to be stronger and larger than most of his kind as well.

 

[Jairdain]

"Things are different in each generation, Dreidi. Don't compare yourself to your parents. You have accomplished more than many others your age."

To take any sting out of her words, Jairdain held onto a smile. She seemed to be doing that a lot more than she had in the recent past. When she was young, in love, and with Yuroic, she smiled a lot, too. Unless he pulled away, she would attempt to reach down and pet Grisial—more out of habit or reflection than familiarity.

"How is your training? I know you broke away from the Silver's and joined the Confederacy. I knew a few people there."

There's a chance I might also be able to help. If my daughter agrees, of course.

The Vulptex had Force ability, so there was a chance he could be taught how to harness it. He might not be as strong or as powerful as a Jedi or Sith, but he is a force to contend with either way.

Dreidi Xeraic

 

[Dreidi Xeraic]

Location: Commenor
Attire: Casual
Companion: Grisial
Equipment: Lightsaber, Nightsister Bow
Tag: Jairdain

Nodding her head, she accepted what Jairdain was saying but not necessarily believing it herself. She did not see her actions as doing anything but the basics and bare minimum expectations of the Jedi.

"My training was fine. Asaraa taught me plenty and she was great as a mentor. I learnt from others in the Confederacy while that still existed and then I learned from others in the New Jedi Order. Now I am a Jedi Knight and a Witch of Dathomir." Dreidi stated, she watched Jairdain interact with Grisial who was not against the attention that Jairdain was wanting to give him.

He leaned into the touch and let Jairdain pet him, "got anything you want to talk to me about? Anything new with you?" Dreidi asked, as she had no idea what had been going on with Jairdain in the recent years.