Star Wars Roleplay: Chaos

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One year later

A year ago on this day I got the worst phone call I could ever receive. My mother had been killed. The why about why the man who killed her I will never know, I can assume many things, but I'll never know the reason. The reason probably wouldn't make sense to me anyhow.

Today I have spent a lot of time reflecting, course I've spent this entire year in mourning and have realized that I will be doing so for the rest of my life. Losing a parent is one of those emotional moments that just don't ever seem to fade. Its been explained to me that grief is a ball in a box with a button, the box is the same size every day, the button the same size, the only thing that changes is the size of the ball and how many times in a single day it hits to button. Good days and bad days, today the ball is big.

Most everyone who met my mother thought she was great. She was a kind person with a giving soul. Don't get me wrong she had her moments. Many of her friends and acquaintances over the years found it hard to believe I was her daughter. I'm not as forgiving as she was, and I'm extremely shy. My mom was not these things.

The last year has taught me many things as well not just about loss but things about my family and friends.

I remind myself constantly what my Mom would want when it comes to hanging on to her memory with a steel grip and what life may bring to me.

She would want that we remember good times. She would want us to remember to be positive. So I'm trying to do that.

She made cakes and cookies for me all through school to take to school for parties.
She liked being around family and laughing.

So in my attempt to be positive, if you have read this, share something positive here. Can be anything maybe what we share will uplift someone's day.

Thank you for taking time to read this :)
 
if they're watching anyways
My grandmother was in the hospital after a stroke this past weekend, and honestly, I was terrified. I'm about halfway across the country from where she is, and just starting school. I kept getting updates from my parents, but I was never sure how to feel; I was so far away, I couldn't see how she was doing, and she wasn't well enough to talk to me.

I was trying to think of the last thing I said to her. I worried that maybe the time I'd spent with her hadn't been meaningful enough, and worried I wouldn't be able to spend more.

My aunt is a sort of blogger/very heavy into social media, so it was actually her that I got the most recent update about my grandmother from, after checking my aunt's story on Instagram (lol). It was a picture of my grandmother, back in her garden. She looked a little tired (maybe of my aunt taking pictures of her), but exactly how I remembered her. Nothing has brought me as much joy and relief.

I'm going to call her this weekend, and I'm probably going to cry a bit, but I'm happy. Family is so important, and having kind, good people so close is bound to make you better.

Faith Organa Faith Organa it sounds like your mother was a wonderful person. Grief isn't really something you can get advice for, but seeing you be so open and honest about your feelings is inspiring, and I hope you never forget what she meant to you.
 
Faith Organa Faith Organa

I don’t know if this will help you because I don’t know your beliefs but it helped me a ton so I will share.

I was raised by my grandparents and I loved them more than anything. I was particularly close to my grandpa. One day we had a random conversation where I asked if he ever went to Heaven how would I know he got there? His response was he would send me a butterfly.

Now fast forward ten years after his accident and my grandma is dying of cancer. I ask her what her sign will be so I know she made it to grandpa. She said she will send me a humming bird.

So fast forward a few months and I’m sitting in my bathroom crying and missing them both. I think to myself I wish I could just know Heaven was real. I wish I could just know that I would see them again. But I remind myself that the entire point of faith is believing even when you don’t have proof. Despite that I beg them to send me a sign. If I could just see the signs together I would know they made it and are together.

The next morning I wake up and start to run errands. At the light I see this truck:

BDCC913-B-5119-4-AC5-B1-F9-C6263807-F527.jpg


I smile and tear up, thinking grandma is letting me know it’s okay. A little voice nags me saying but there was no butterfly so maybe it’s just a coincidence, but I brush it off and think beggars can’t be choosers. No sooner does that thought escape my mind than a butterfly lands on my windshield.

My grandma and grandpa ate together, in Heaven. I know it in my heart and I will never doubt it again. I know your mom is okay too. She’s happy and surrounded by loved ones.

I don’t know if this helped you or if it just made you think I’m crazy. I hope it helped. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I know how hard it is to be without your parent. Try to stay positive.
 
Be careful what you wish for.
First of all, I would like to offer my sincere heartfelt best wishes to each of you.

My story is a little different.

I spent the majority of my professional life in Law Enforcement, I've been everything from Beach Patrol to a Lieutenant in charge of a gang unit, to an FBI Task Force on gang violence. My career has been rewarding on many levels as I know I have done a lot of good, I have also made a lot of friends that I will carry with me for a lifetime. Unfortunately, it destroyed me in regards to any personal or family life. I was so concerned with being a cop 24/7 that I could not be anything else.

I was all but un-affected when my grandmothers, grandfathers, mother, and father passed away. There was always some kind of justification for it:

"I was young"

"I had to be strong for the others"

I don't know why... I just felt nothing.

Then my wife and I adopted a brother and sister and she ends up being diagnosed with cancer.

It seems like everything that I was missing came back tenfold. All of the feelings and emotions I did not have came back on me all to the point of being here in this hospital room watching my little girl sleep. I've been angry at the world for the past few weeks, then, it was as if all of them were standing around her when she said it because my daughter told me something that brought me to the happiest tears I could shed.

Chloe: "Daddy(she'd never called me that up until that point), thank you."

Me: For what, sweetie?

Chloe: "For giving Dexter and me a family. I was losing hope. Whatever happens here, Dexter and I are in a family again, I"m happy"

I don't think I let her go for a good five minutes.

My paternal grandmother, may she rest in peace used to believe that our memories of lost loved ones are just them showing up and saying "hello". It's a bit simplistic, but it makes me feel better, and not feel sadness for them being gone, but happy because they were around.
 
Thank you Auteme Auteme , Kitter Bitters Kitter Bitters and Caltin Vanagor Caltin Vanagor Thank you all for sharing it touches the spirit what you have been so courageous in sharing. I'll keep you all in my prayers. I'm sorry that you've each have experienced such heartache. There is some comfort in knowing that we are not alone in grief and pain. There is even comfort in recognizing signs when we need them most.

I cannot imagine the loss of a child Caltin Vanagor Caltin Vanagor I'm so sorry. I think your grandmother was right.

Family is at the heart of it all really and it doesn't matter how you became family.

For me my family are the only ones who share the history and memories of a life together as long as we are together we will remember who my mother was, what she stood for, and what she meant to us.

Again, thank you all so much for sharing.
 

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