Private Never Let Me Down Again

[Arlo Renard]

Rooftop, Coruscant

Kai sat on the edge of his favorite rooftop, waiting for Iris to arrive. He’d called her and asked her to meet him there so that they could talk.

It was a little late, with the sun already setting along the Coruscanti horizon, making the silver towers of the ecumenopolis shine gold. Fidgeting with nervous excitement, Kai searched the Force for any sign of his best friend. Part of him was worried she wouldn’t show. Things had been weird between them lately, and it probably didn’t help that he’d been vague about why he wanted to see her.

But he had said that it was urgent. Hopefully that would be enough.

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

Ahhh oh no.

Panic was all Iris felt as she arrived to the rooftop. Not that she was scared of heights or Kai or anything. Well no, kinda scared of Kai. Not specifically Kai. But the awkward ending of him asking her out and her just pretending to fall asleep still stuck out like a sore thumb. Honestly, she was half tempted not to show up. Spare them both from the awkwardness of it all at least for another day.

But Amani had told her to tell him. Everything. If they just kept avoiding each other because of it being awkward, wasn't it no better than when they were fighting before? When she lost him the last time?

She steeled her expression as she walked up the fire escape she'd done so many times before. No, running away only worked against Sith Lords, not friends.

"Ah, hey. You said it was urgent..? You okay, Kai?"

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai had turned around as soon as he sensed Iris’ arrival. For a few moments he just looked at her, his expression softening.

<Hi. I’m okay.> He stood up. <I want to show you something first. A place. It’s not very far…>

He held out his hand for her to take.

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

Her brow furrowed for a moment. Confused, really. But whatever it was, it seemed to be bothering Kai. So Iris just reached out to take his hand.

"Okay..?"

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

<How are you?> he asked Iris, remembering the usual pleasantries as he led them back down the fire escape. Once upon a time, he would’ve carried her to their destination, swinging across the city. But no more.

<Is your arm healing up?>

He guided her through the grimy streets of The Works, darting between old factories still churning out smog.

<You fought really well against Ariana.> Realizing how that sounded, he added, <I saw the footage after the duel. You showed a lot of skill with the lightsaber.>

They reached a chain link fence with a big hole torn in it. Kai pulled Iris through the hole, then gestured to the empty elevator shaft that led down into the abandoned factory.

<Down there is the Reef. A place that meant a lot to me, once.> He glanced toward Iris. <This was my home when I was a Sithspawn. My sanctuary. I wish I had let you see it a long time ago, but…> He shrugged. <I wasn’t the only one hiding from the galaxy down there. It had to be kept a secret, just in case…>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

"I'm okay. Like I figured my arms fine. Amani looked it over after we got back. Should be completely fine in a couple days." Days, weeks. Eh, didn't entirely matter to Iris. She'd keep using the Force to do what she couldn't naturally. Healing wise anyway. Iris raised a brow as she glanced to the buildings around them. It really was dirty around here, in a way she never bothered to look at before.

Huh.

".. You fought stupidly. You shouldn't ever fight on emotion like that. You know better."

Yeah, plenty of people probably lectured him. But he was the one who taught Iris so much on how to fight. How to focus. That's all she was going to say on it though. She blinked, glancing to the doors. The elevator. So that's why he was always here? He lived here? .. Hid here. With others.

A frown settled on her lips.

"They all had to hide here? Wait, had? .. Where are they?"

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai glanced Iris’ way when she criticized him over what had happened with Corin, but he didn’t say anything. He was used to it by now.

<They’re… gone.> He started to lead her down the makeshift ramp they had installed in the elevator shaft. It grew darker the further they descended.

<There was a fight between two groups. One supported our leader, Damsy. The other wanted to overthrow her and install someone else in power.>

Climbing down into the main atrium, he flicked a switch. The lights turned on, revealing what remained of the Sithspawn Sanctorium’s home. Much of it had already been looted by scavengers, and sounds of skittering revealed there was a mouse infestation.

<Damsy lost control. People got hurt. Now nobody lives here anymore.> Kai squeezed Iris’ hand. <It happened while I was away. If I had been here… maybe things would’ve been different. But I was selfish. I took everything for granted, and I wound up losing everything because of it.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

No one lived there anymore? A fight?

There was a lot of information to go through here. Iris followed him down, her eyes scanning through the building. It really was empty here. Only echoes of sad bitterness stained the colors. .. This was Kai's family, wasn't it?

"That's.. Not your fault. You can't be everywhere at once."

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai shook his head.

<I had left, Iris. I screwed things up with you, tried to kill someone who was only trying to help me, and… it was all so stupid. I went to a remote, uncharted planet and planned on never coming back. I even thought about…>

Trailing off, he fell silent as they walked down the hallway, past the overgrown greenhouse and the first of the private rooms.

<I thought about ending it all. I was going to murder myself because I thought I was a failure. I just wanted a way out.>

In the dim light produced by the old generator, Kai’s expression was filled with sorrow and regret. <Someone found me and brought me back to civilization. But by then it was too late. I thought I had lost everything. But you were still there, Iris. Only you.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

That-

Iris stared. Blankly for a moment. Processing. That's why he wasn't there when she needed him? He went of to kill himself. That didn't make sense. None of that ever made sense. She'd seen people kill themselves before, when a Sith Lord went out of their way to consume any and all hope. To push them to that. But.. He wanted to end it all? Why? Because things were difficult?

There were no emotions in her gaze. She didn't have anything she could even process. Feel. Not personally, anyway. Medic training took over. "You need to talk to someone about this. One of the masters."

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

<Iris…> Kai looked away, taking a deep breath before continuing. <I tried. But all of the people I trusted…>

Aeris had grown distant by then. Damsy had no answers. Dagon had been his last resort before he left…

<Later, Kai.>

But the Jedi who had once saved his life was too busy to save it again.

<It’s in the past. Just like this place. Things are different now. But you deserve to know the truth. I lied to you on Chaldea when you came looking for answers, because I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I already had.>

Reaching one door in particular, he slid it open with the touch of a button.

<This was my room.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

"That's not-"

No, she was in no place to tell him what was right or wrong with that. She had people she could trust who would drop everything to help her. Hell, Valery had just to get them both off world after they crashed. What was it like to have that? Have someone who you wish would but didn't? She didn't understand it. She didn't understand a lot of it. And she hated that she didn't.

".. Master Valery is someone you can talk to. I- I'm sorry."

That's all she could say at this point. Her gaze shifted to his room, just fine with having something different to focus on.

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

<Iris.>

Though it was voiced in almost a whisper, Kai said her name with the cadence of a cry. If not for help, then perhaps for a little kindness.

<Master Noble has four padawans to look after, a husband and baby to tend to, a Council to serve, and a war to fight. She doesn’t have time for the likes of me.>

After he had poured his heart out to her, was Iris really going to dump it out onto the dusty ground, saying “talk to someone else about it”?

Maybe he had talked too much. Maybe Iris had things to get off her chest, too.

<Talk to me, Iris,> Kai said, as he led her into his old room. Almost a glorified closet, it had no bed, only shelves, chairs, and a small table. Most of it had been stripped bare, either by Kai coming to reclaim his belongings or scavengers picking the place clean of valuables.

But there was one particular item left sitting on the table: a spherical wooden box carved on the outside with figures and scenes in intricate detail. Kai ran his fingers over the carvings he had gouged with his own hands, soaking in the energies of the ankarres wood.

<I’ve shown you what I wanted to show you and told you what needed to be told. Now say what you want to say.>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

"Don't underestimate how much Valery cares. And don't ever value yourself less like that!" It was a brief outburst of anger. Real anger. Shake the room subconsciously anger. She'd been trying to keep that back, controlled. She had to. That's what it meant to be Jedi, right? Not to let her emotions get the better of her?

"Let us begin."

It was only a passing memory, but it brought a shiver down her spine. The dreams were bad enough.

".. You left. When I needed my friend you left. You left me on that rooftop, you didn't bother to check in when I got hurt. You left me alone, and now you want me to be your girlfriend? After everything that happened. Because you didn't think you mattered. I can't fix that. You can't use me as your reason to live. You can't expect me to be your girlfriend after the last time. We just started being friends again, why can't that be enough? Why can't we just be friends and not stress about that? You matter! Not just to me. But you can't lay that on me and me alone!"

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

<There’s valuing myself less, and there’s acknowledging reality. Master Noble might care, but there’s only so much one person can do…> Feeling the room shake, Kai instinctively tried to calm Iris with the Force.

But then she exploded, ranting about how he had failed her as a friend.

<I did check in. I monitored your recovery. I just wasn’t there for you to see me. I figured you didn’t want to see me anyway, after what I had done. It’s very presumptuous of you to think that I want you to fix me, or that you’re my reason for living—I don’t live for you, I just love you so much it’s driving me crazy!>

As he spoke, he leaned toward her, only to halt inches away from her face in what could only have been an aborted kiss.

<Maybe I expect too much from you, maybe I’m pushing too hard, going too fast, trying to do too much. But don’t misunderstand me, and please—help me to understand you.> He straightened up. <Is this all you’re ever going to want? Just friendship?>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

"You- You don't even know if that's love! I don't even know if that's love! You're going too fast with all of this! You got this new body, and suddenly you're madly in love with me? I'm not ready for that. I wasn't even ready before but I thought I was anyway. I don't know if I want something more than friendship, but right now I know I don't want it. You're pushing too much, Kai, you really are."

There was about six different topics in this she wasn't even sure how to handle or approach. She stepped back, shaking her head.

"This is all just too much."

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

<Okay,> Kai mumbled, not bothering to try and argue with her. It was no use. He backed away from her, sinking into a chair. A feeling of exhaustion had come upon him, along with a sense of futility and waste.

<I'm not sure if we should be friends anymore, either. Things clearly aren't the same between us.>

Maybe he'd hurt her too deeply. There was no going back to the way things were. No future, no past. They were stuck in a rut with no way out that they could both accept.

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

Iris just.. Watched. What could she say at this point? That's not at all what she meant, but did that just mean he couldn't handle being her friend? She let out a sigh. A breath. Cleared her head.

"It's not an all or nothing, Kai. You.. You need to learn what these new emotions are for yourself. If you don't want us to be friends because I only want us to be friends, I won't try to convince you otherwise. Just- Take care of yourself, Kai. You're not alone here. Dagon might've brushed you to the side, but there are so many Jedi in the Order now that won't. Reach out. Master Valery will help, okay?"

Arlo Renard

 

[Arlo Renard]

Kai shook his head. She said she wanted to be his friend, but how could things go back to normal after—

At the mention of Dag, Kai smarted. Sitting up straighter, he gripped the arms of the chair. <You don’t know what you’re talking about!> he snapped.

Those wounds were still too raw. She’d struck a nerve.

<What did our friendship ever mean to you, huh? You said you just wanted to go back to training together and eating pizza. But what is any of that worth if I can’t talk to you, can’t rely on you, can’t even get anything more than pity out of you? You’re just like the rest of them!>

Iris Arani​

 

[Iris Arani]

"Our friendship means everything to me! Having someone we can go to to just talk about stuff is just- It's everything! But it's not just talking now. I'm trying to help, Kai, but I can't. Not with you wanting to kill yourself! Not with you feeling alone! The Master's can. Valery's the one I trust more in this galaxy than anyone. I'm not trying to take pity on you, I'm just- I'm trying to help, Kai. But I'm not the one who can really help you. Not if all you want is us to be a couple." She took a step back. She didn't want this. Not another fight. But what was she supposed to do? Just agree to be his girlfriend to keep him happy?

No, that's not how any of this would work.

Arlo Renard