The shock of the screaming being turned on her caused Gwyn to just go numb for a moment, wide eyed as she fell on her back and Shai was over her. Tears pounded onto her beskar'gam as Shai poured her emotions out. Reminiscing about how she and Kranak had a long bond, how she was there for her family before she turned. For the second time, it seemed for a moment that Shai could reach the child with her screaming. She was... genuinely sorry. But fear coated Gwyn's face at it all, and drinking blood as she towered over her didn't help.
Maybe... she had stepped out of line...
But the rage she felt still consisted. Something she was unable to just rip out of her heart and throw in the trash. Her face contorted into confusion and dismay as Shai got off and slumped on her desk. One side of Gwyn wanted to check to see if she was alright, felt sorry seeing her tears, and even wanted to apologize. But the other side of her...
relished in seeing her cry. She had found a way to hit Shai where it hurts. And she loved it. Yet, the war inside her was so bewildering.
Sympathy had never been Gwyn's strong suit; not when she hardly got any herself before coming to the Enclave. She had always been focused on her own survival and well being; she
had to be when her mom hardly ever fed her properly. Even when she joined the Enclave, she found it hard to look outside her own perspective. Even when trying to comfort her loved ones and care for them, she seldom understood them. Especially when she felt hurt. When Eliz Krayt has ghosted her when he lost his limb, back before she was adopted as a foundling, Gwyn had been unable to understand why he would do such a thing, even if it was keeping Kestri a secret from an aruitiise. It had stung to be treated as an outsider, by the person she had been closest to, and she had been unable to understand why this "duty" thing was so important, even if they had made up since then.
So here? When she was faced a far more serious and crushing betrayal? By the closest thing she had to a mother? She had even
tried to understand. But she was so hurt, her irrational rage was blocking reason out. Then again, despite that hate, deep down she wanted Shai back. She wanted the one who had adopted her into a real Clan. She wanted to one who trained her alongside Kranak. She wanted her mother. Yet... that rage.
Being told to leave, being told she wouldn't understand... Well, perhaps Shai read her right. Perhaps, the girl who tried to be selfless was just an unempathetic karking brat. But as she got up to go, her heart was like lead, trying to pull her back down. But no. Shai wanted nothing to do with Gwyneira, and Gwyneira wanted nothing to do with Shai. It was over, wasn't it?
Her boots scuffed as she walked through the items she had thrown to the floor. This wasn't right. Nothing was. Not how she felt, not Shai's predicament, not her fury for Kranak's current state, none of it. It was just... so miserable. Tears were streaming down her face as she paused at the door. She leaned against the frame, tears falling. She was shaking.
She lifted her hand to her head. She had a headache. She hated this. Heart pounding in her chest, she bit her lip. She didn't think she had anything to say until she spoke out of nowhere, surprising herself.
"I never understood anything I couldn't feel myself. I guess I am just a karking brat. But as if my life even matters."
Slumping against the frame of the doorway, she faltered,
"I just hate this. Part of me wants you back, wants to understand you, but the other side is still angry. And sick of a lifetime of being cast aside like this. And I wonder why I even care at all anymore."
She sniffled, tears clouding her vision,
"I am sorry, for what you've been through by the Maw's hand. They were unspeakably horrid with you. You didn't deserve that. And I can tell you feel sorry for what you did, but..."
She hugged herself, unable to voice the rage that still caused her to hate Shai,
"... I'm either short sighted, or my feelings are valid, but I hate what you've done. Seeing Kranak hurt like this breaks my heart, and I can't just forgive the thing to blame for it. I don't even want you near him."
She reached and placed a hand on the frame, ready to push despite the circles under her eyes and lifelessness in her body,
"Someday, I hope it can heal. But I'm so angry right now."
She pushed herself off the door, looking to the foundry outside the office. She wanted to run as fast as she could to get out of here, but she also wanted to stay. Her head throbbed, she lifted her hand and grasped it. Force,
she hated this!
Why couldn't this just all end and go away!
She hated this!