Private Mea Culpa

[Amani Serys]

Shortly after "The Burden", that evening
Eloise Dinn​

Getting kicked out of a Jedi convocation was a new one. Amani had been brooding over at the temple docks for the better part of an hour now, unsure of how to process what had occurred. Naturally, she blamed herself for the outcome. The question was whether or not she blamed just herself, or also the organizers of this meeting. Amani hadn't decided that yet.

Force, was she losing her grip?

She sat alone at a bench just outside of where her ship had been docked. It was quiet here. She couldn't remember the last time she had some natural quiet. Being Queen of Alderaan was anything but quiet.

Amani sighed deeply, only catching Eloise's presence after the titanic padawan suddenly was standing parallel to her. "Oh, Eloise… Sorry, I was distracted."

"Did you meet with Quin?"

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Believe it or not, Eloise did have a heart.

And to her credit, she could admit her faults. She knew she had taken things too far during the conclave. By the time Ala Quin put her foot down, she knew she deserved it.

What she hadn't counted on was that her actions would result in both her and Amani being kicked out of the meeting. Amani didn't deserve that. It made Eloise even more angry at the Grandmaster, but it also made her turn her anger inward.

Why am I like this?

It was a question she had asked herself many times. There was only so much she could blame on her parents. Was this just who she was? Sharp-tongued, abrasive, bitchy. Someone who snarled and growled and spat at people like an animal. She was angry all the time, and half the time she didn't even know why.

Maybe there was something wrong with her. Being the student of a healer, she knew such cases weren't unheard of among Force Users. It could be mental illness, or a hormonal imbalance, or something genetic... No. She was trying to find an excuse. There was no excuse for it.

She needed to find Amani. If Amani got mad or punished her, that was okay. She was used to it. But she needed... someone. The presence of another being who didn't hate her guts or think she was just an annoying brat. Should probably apologize, too. For all the good it would do.

Amani was sitting on a landing platform outside the Naboo Temple. She didn't notice Eloise approaching until her shadow fell over her.

"Oh, Eloise… Sorry, I was distracted."

"You always are."

Damn it, I didn't mean it that way--

"... But that's understandable. You're a queen, a healer, a wife, a mother, and the leader of a Jedi Enclave all at once." Nice save. "Honestly, I don't know how you're still able to function."

"Did you meet with Quin?"

"Yep." Eloise sighed, dropping down to sit next to her master. "Do you want the details?"

Amani Serys​

 

[Amani Serys]

"You always are."

Amani snorted. She probably deserved that, despite Eloise's attempts to contextualize her comment, "Sometimes, Eloise, sometimes I think you're rubbing off on me more than I'm rubbing off on you."

"Yep." Eloise sighed, dropping down to sit next to her master. "Do you want the details?"

"To be honest? No, not really." She shrugged, gazing into the distance, "Whatever was said is between the two of you." Amani had been invited to no such conversation, and if Eloise had saw fit to hear the Grandmaster out, Amani wasn't going tell her she couldn't. But in truth everything that had cropped up today had been striking at the same cluster of nerves over and over.

"I don't know how I function either, sometimes," The healer rubbed her nose, then just kept talking, like she couldn't stop herself, "...Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, Eloise. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm being pulled in so many directions I can't focus, I can't breathe.

I'm trying to be a leader for a planet that I wasn't even born on. I'm trying to save them from subjugation and death.

I'm trying to be a leader for the Jedi, but no one, including myself, wants to listen.

My daughter is off living in a foreign nation alone for her own safety.

I don't even know where my husband is or if he's--"

She choked up, falling silent for a few moments. Then, she looked up at Eloise.

"And I have a padawan, whose master is so caught up with her own problems she can't even be bothered to finish your training."

Eloise Dinn​

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Eloise snorted, then realized Amani was being serious. "That's... probably not good," she said.

Amani declined to know about how her conversation with Ala had gone. Eloise was sort of relieved, figuring it was best not to dwell on it. But then Amani started talking. Talking a lot.

Eloise didn't know what to say. It was clear that Amani had been bottling all of this up for some time. She knew that things were bad - it was hard not to notice the position her master was in - but knowing what she was going through was different from hearing from her how it felt.

In particular, Eloise hadn't realized how serious the situation was with Alicio. It reminded her of what her own mother had gone through when her father would disappear. At least Arcturus could be counted on to eventually return from the Nether. Only the Force knew what had become of Alicio, or if he would ever come back.

"Hey..." Eloise turned her body toward Amani and wrapped a consoling arm around her shoulders. "I don't need you to finish my training, so you can get that off your plate at least. I'll find somebody else, or... I dunno." Be a Padawan until I'm forty. "Don't worry about it."

She hesitated, then spat out what she had intended to say in the first place. "I'm sorry about what happened during the conclave. I was out of line. I didn't intend for you to get kicked out." Or herself either, though she at least understood why she had been asked to leave. Amani hadn't done anything wrong; as far as she could tell, her only mistake was defending her padawan from the grandmaster. "Thanks for being on my side, though. Felt like nobody else was willing to listen to me back there."

Amani Serys​

 

[Amani Serys]

Eloise Dinn​

The supportive arm around the shoulder almost made Amani pause mid-breakdown. She wasn't used to getting commiseration from Eloise like that. Then again Eloise wasn't used to her Master laying everything bare like this either, so they were both in new territory.

"I'm sorry about what happened during the conclave. I was out of line. I didn't intend for you to get kicked out."

"I don't blame you, for whatever that's worth." She sniffled, "I mean, you were out of line— but you were right. And the grandmaster just—" As she relived the events, her irritation crept back in, "God, it was humiliating. You wouldn't even think she knew who I was until she decided to kick me out."

"I've spent so much of my years, my blood, for the Jedi. I was on the Council, I founded an Enclave. I've fought in three wars. You'd think that would get me something from these people." Amani paused, collecting her thoughts before she continued, like she were debating how much to say. She was already this deep in, wasn't she? "…When I was a pupil, I dreamed of being one of the greatest Jedi who ever lived. What Jedi doesn't, right? But I guess I— never got over it."

"People don't talk about Amani Serys the same way they talk about someone like Romi Jade, or Valery Noble. They just don't." She laughed and shook her head, "How disappointing is that coming from a Jedi Master? Envy, entitlement. I should be above those things. But deep down I realize... I'm not."

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Man, Amani was really pouring her heart out. It came as a surprise for Eloise, who was used to being the last person anyone would ever confide in. But perhaps even more surprisingly, it wasn't unwelcome. Far from it.

She couldn't help but beam a little when Amani said she was right, though her smile quickly faded as Amani spoke about the conclave. The humiliation of it all. "I know you said you didn't want to hear about the private meeting I had with the Grandmaster, but... Well, it was really weird and I still don't completely understand what she was trying to accomplish. But it felt like she was trying to put me in my place or something. Like she hadn't already done enough to make me feel small by kicking me out of the conclave, she had to do it again in her office." She shrugged. "Maybe she's just that kind of person, y'know? Superior, spiteful, shitty."

She spoke in a half-joking tone, trying to make her master feel better by putting the blame back on Ala. Hopefully it wouldn't make things worse, at least.

"I've spent so much of my years, my blood, for the Jedi. I was on the Council, I founded an Enclave. I've fought in three wars. You'd think that would get me something from these people.
"…When I was a pupil, I dreamed of being one of the greatest Jedi who ever lived. What Jedi doesn't, right? But I guess I— never got over it."
"People don't talk about Amani Serys the same way they talk about someone like Romi Jade, or Valery Noble. They just don't.
"How disappointing is that coming from a Jedi Master? Envy, entitlement. I should be above those things. But deep down I realize... I'm not."

Eloise studied Amani, pursing her lips. For once, she held her sharp tongue. Not because she found something to criticize in her master's words, but because she felt the weight of her own mistakes. "I feel a lot of envy too," she said at last. "Not so much entitlement."

There was a pause, during which she realized how that sounded. And then... "At least we can admit that we feel that way. Most people wouldn't."

Amani Serys​

 

[Amani Serys]

Amani raised an eyebrow. It was hard to tell how much of Eloise's criticism of the grandmaster was authentic, versus how much of it was just Eloise being her extra self. Surely someone in Quin's position had more to offer a disgruntled padawan than judgement and mockery, right?

"At least we can admit that we feel that way. Most people wouldn't."

"I suppose there's something to be said for self-reflection," Amani chuckled weakly, "But it shouldn't be getting to me this much in the first place."

"It's like I'm losing my religion. All this time away from the Jedi-- I didn't want to be Queen. It's not me, I'm not built for it. Yet all these people are looking up to me for safety, for answers. I can't just... walk away from them all."

"But then I try and step back into my roots. And it feels like an entire generation has passed me by. None of these people know who I am. They don't have any interest in what I have to say or what I've done. I was ignored at best, and at worst…" She shrugged, "Well, it seems the Jedi vision for the future may have left me behind."

Amani looked at Eloise more directly now, debating whether or not to take the bait, "…What did she say to you in her office?"

Eloise Dinn​

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Amani was in quite the predicament. Now Eloise really didn't know what to say to comfort her suffering master. Well, apart from one thing.

"Nobody gives a shit about me either," she finally said. "Except for you. And maybe one other person." Pursing her lips, she fished for something kinder to add. "But hey, I know you. I respect you. I think you're pretty amazing for lasting this long, actually. I would've crashed out a long time ago. And I'll listen to you tell stories about your glory days, and spread the word if I can." She nudged Amani with her shoulder, smirking. "As long as the stories aren't boring."

"…What did she say to you in her office?"

About that... "I went in expecting her to lecture me. At best, I thought she might try to have a one-on-one talk. Instead she started telling this story about some guy named Wyn Loftin, and how he lost his favorite kettle. I had no idea it was all about. I mean, I don't even like tea." She shook her head. "I tried to interrupt. I said I knew why she kicked me out, but that she shouldn't have kicked you out. And I made my opinion of her known in no uncertain terms. But she just waved her hand dismissively and kept telling this stupid story, going on and on about this dipshit I'd never even heard of. It had nothing to do with the conclave or me or you or anything. Maybe she was trying to show me how annoying I am, or teach me patience or something. But given the circumstances, all it did was make me even more frustrated and angry with her, until I finally just left.

"And do you know what she said to me as I was walking out? 'Eloise! I truly hope you take the lesson of that story to heart.' What the hell was she talking about? I have no idea!" Eloise couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole thing. Now that time had passed and her rage had mostly subsided, the meeting just seemed bizarre and baffling. "Maybe I should just forget about the whole thing. The conclave, the meeting. I'll put it all behind me. Not like it matters, anyway. Especially compared to your problems."

Amani Serys​

 

[Amani Serys]

Eloise managed to eke a smile out of Amani. She hadn't totally lost the respect of her padawan, and that was worth something in and of itself.

The way she spoke of her meeting with the Jedi Grandmaster did not give Amani so much to smile about. Eloise inferred that there was likely some deeper message that was supposed to come with this long-winded story Quin had been telling her, which was likely true. But if the Grandmaster couldn't even get a student to sit through the whole thing before making the point clear, it didn't seem like all that great of a lesson. Doubly so if they didn't even have a direct discussion regarding the events of the conclave to go with it. "That… sounds…" Confusing at best? Patronizing at worst? Amani kept her thoughts simple, "…Unproductive." She wasn't there to see or hear this meeting herself, so she didn't want to be too presumptuous. Still, if Eloise was going out on a limb to share this with her, it was worth contemplating.

"Maybe I should just forget about the whole thing. The conclave, the meeting. I'll put it all behind me. Not like it matters, anyway. Especially compared to your problems."

"That might be for the best." Amani stood up at last, "For both of us. We can still do good things for the galaxy, without the Jedi Order." She waved a hand dismissively, "Besides, I need to set aside this wallowing. It won't solve my problems. Still… Thank you for listening." It did make her feel heard. Understood. Those vulnerabilities were known to very few. And Eloise had accepted it all hardly batting an eye. Perhaps they knew each other better than they let on. "It's weird. Feeling like I'm separating myself from the Jedi entirely. But maybe it won't be so bad. Trying to align myself with an Order that frankly… doesn't match my views, can't be healthy in the long run." She still had the Vonnuvi anyway, right?

Eloise Dinn​

 

[Eloise Dinn]

Unproductive. That was a good word for it. Eloise had gone in willing to listen to Ala, if nothing else, and left feeling like she'd gleaned absolutely nothing from their private meeting. No insight, no enlightenment, not even a bit of understanding.

"I am so tired of people acting as if I'm a goddamn gorilla flinging shit at them," she said suddenly. Her tone was weary and annoyed; after she said it out loud, she realized how absurd it sounded and couldn't help but chuckle. "It's like I can't do anything right. They've already made up their minds. My bad reputation precedes me."

"That might be for the best. For both of us. We can still do good things for the galaxy, without the Jedi Order."

Eloise pursed her lips. She didn't really know how to do good things for the galaxy without the Jedi Order. Amani may not have liked being Queen, but it at least gave her an avenue to act beyond the purview of the Order. Eloise had no such luck. For all that she despised most authority figures, she was used to answering to the Council. They were the ones who organized the strike missions, showed up at the battles, escorted the delegates. "Guess I'll join... Something." There had to be some kind of fighting group willing to take on the Sith. Right?

"Besides, I need to set aside this wallowing. It won't solve my problems. Still… Thank you for listening."

"Don't mention it." Eloise crossed her arms over her chest, hands clasping her elbows. "I can be a good listener, y'know."

"It's weird. Feeling like I'm separating myself from the Jedi entirely. But maybe it won't be so bad. Trying to align myself with an Order that frankly… doesn't match my views, can't be healthy in the long run."

"Woman, aren't you Grandmaster of your own enclave? Or is somebody else taking the reins now?" She shrugged. "You do you, I guess. For what its worth, I think you make a pretty good Queen of Alderaan. You've got the commanding voice and presence for it."

Amani Serys​

 

[Amani Serys]

"That is the crux of a reputation," Amani shrugged, slipping into teacher-mode momentarily, "You either continue to reinforce it, or you put in the extra effort to dispel it."

"Guess I'll join... Something."

"Master Kai'el seemed to be hinting at some kind of organized operation. Perhaps you could keep an ear out for what he does next." She got the sense that Jasper, or at least his inner circle, had taken Amani to be hostile towards his ideas. While she was skeptical of its application, she was very much on the side of a coordinated network of Jedi in the galaxy. It would be better than what the Order was seemingly doing at the moment, if nothing else.

"Woman, aren't you Grandmaster of your own enclave? Or is somebody else taking the reins now?" She shrugged. "You do you, I guess. For what its worth, I think you make a pretty good Queen of Alderaan. You've got the commanding voice and presence for it."

"Not sure I've heard anyone describe me as a 'commanding presence' before, but I'll take it.

And yes, I technically still am. But the Council rules jointly in my absence." She had entrusted them with the Vonnuvi Enclave many times, and they had not failed her yet. It was a small but healthy piece of Jedihood in the galaxy, "I won't ignore my duty to the Force. I just don't think I can follow its largest sect any longer. Right now, the Force takes me to Alderaan. So that's where I'll go."

Amani straightened and turned to face Eloise directly. She bowed deeply in a traditional Jedi manner, "May the Force be with you, Padawan Dinn. Always." Their paths diverged for the time being. But Amani knew in her heart that this was not yet goodbye.

Eloise Dinn​