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Makthos The Redeemer

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Name:
Makthos the Reddemer, Stormchaser.


Loyalties:
None, Though he would ally with anyone just to serve his purposes.


Role:
Make it right. For he made the mistake of not being there for him when Jakkar most needed him.


Age:
43


Species:
Human


Force Sensitivity:
Yes, he is Master Rank.


Appearance:
Muscular body suitable for knocking down the toughest of fighters, though the rest of his certain features is hidden by his clothing. He also wears a mask to hide his face for not endangering his mission. He always has his hood up and hides his weapon on a arm holster that was self-created.


Personality:
He is sentimental and regretfull when it comes to one subject, Jakkar, All he can think about is finding him and get him back from the clutches of the Sith. They had corrupted his mind when he was not there. His regret when speaking of this often seeps into his voice. Otherwise he is very friendly, even to his enemies, often joking and displaying sarcastic behaviour.


Weapon of Choice:
Double-Bladed Lightsaber [Color White on one side and black on the other]

WOlhySb.jpg



Wealth:
He looks down upon wealth, only using what he has taken from his enemies. For properly earning it.


Combat Function:
[+] Calmness: Makthos displays unremarkable calmness in battle, even in times of certain defeat he would joke around and toy with his opponent. Aiming to irritate them into oblivion.

[+] Force Knowlege: Makthos' force knowlege is impressive, even for the most learned of the force-users. He honed most of his skills to the point of mastery

[+] Determination: Makthos doesen't back down no matter what, he would always finish the job, one way or another.

[-] Hesitance: Makthos displays hesitance on inflicting considerable injuries even on droids, his over-zealous affliction to the light side has teached him to respect life in all its forms. He usually tries to knock them unconcious.

[-] Unmotivated: Makthos's time away from civilazation has made him quite unmotivated (ehm LAZY ehm) he walks with seen sluggishness and stretches almost all the time, this can effect his combat preferences

[-] Imapatience: Makthos can be dubbed as the most impatient man on earth. He prefers to jump in to the battle right away rather then prepare an ambush, which makes him unfit to be a strategist.


Skills:
Electric Judgement:
Despite being an overzealous fallower of the light side Makthos can perform electric judgement easily, the lightning comes out in dark green forks.


Telekinesis:
Jakkar can use telekinesis to the point of perfection, having nothing better to do then levitate objects to relive himself of boredom.


Tutamnis:
A sort of energy drain by the use of the force, can deflect, force lightning, blaster fire, lightsaber attacks, requires a great deal of concentreation. Ussualy used when the opponent targets the rather large handle of his lightsaber.

Notable Possessions:
A fast moving speeder (The model not known to him)

Stronger Version of a 'Renewal Device' acquiried through years of research.
( http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Renewal )

Other Notes:
Makthos has lived most his life on solitude. Only leaving his self-induced solitude for visiting his brother and his family. He has never approved his brother deciding how to raise his children however, sensing all of them was force-sensitive from the start and offering to raise them on the aspects of the Light Side. He had expressed his concerns for numerous times. The children would manifest their powers early and cause a terryfying accident, the Sith would find out about his children when he went to his supply runs with them. But his stubborn brother didn't listen, not being force-sensitive he just disregarded him. And his worst fears become apparent when his brothers whole family was killed. Though the scene was most gruesome, there was one body missing from the family, and from the disfigured body of the killers, he undertood what had happened. And he was terrified. He woved to make this right by his brother. And find his missing son, one way or another.

Intent:
Redeem Jakkar through the use of the mind erasing tecnique.​
Development Threads:

http://starwarsrp.net/topic/71787-the-stormchaser/
 
Hi, [member="Jakkar"]

I have a question and a blanket concern that I feel it is best to have addressed now before I go through more in depth feedback.

  1. Are you actually aiming to make an NPC only I notice that you have a sub account of the same name?
My blanket concern is that this an OOC area that means there are no secrets in terms of the sections I.e


Jakkar said:
Intent: Redeem Him. [Details to come IF approved.]
Is too vague I need all the information, you can of course specify that certain things , like appearance, are completely secret in that no one IC knows them. but for the purposes of judging all the information must be laid clear in the sub.

Thanks,

Callum
 
[member="Lucien Cordel"]

1-It was going to be a subbaccount but then i noticed they have to have training to become master level. I was actually tryin to find a way to delete unneeded sub-accounts but i couldn't find a way to do it. Sorry :/

2-That was for that to become a suprise but i will edit it anyway.

Edited!

Thanks for taking my NPC into consideration!
 
Jakkar said:
-It was going to be a subbaccount but then i noticed they have to have training to become master level. I was actually tryin to find a way to delete unneeded sub-accounts but i couldn't find a way to do it. Sorry :/
That's fine I just wanted to be sure you actually wanted an NPC :) For reference I believe you can ask for sub accounts to be deleted in the thread where you request rank titles and name changes



Jakkar said:
Role: Make it right. For he made the mistake of not being there.
Sorry this has confused me somewhat can you elaborate on it?



Jakkar said:
He is sentimental and Regretfull.
This seems to conflict with this:



Jakkar said:
facade of calmness and amusement
why does he feign amusement in battle but remain somber everywhere else



Jakkar said:
Combat Function:
Since this NPC is intended for combat I need strengths and weakness for this character (3 of each minimum)



Jakkar said:
This tactic irritates even the strongest of fighters.
amend that to aims to irritate as it is the choice of your opponents writer whether they are irritated by this.



Jakkar said:
Involves splitting two affliations of one person through the force. Splitting the Dark side and The Light side, creating two beings embodinig those sides. Very Exhausting, almost to the point of being Lethal been only used once, nearly killed him.
I need a link from the wookie about what this power is. In addition the skills section should cover all the skills he has that may be raised in a thread including other force abilities he knows.



Jakkar said:
Makthos has lived most his life pon solitude only leaving his self-induced solitude for visiting his brother and his family. He has never approved his brother deciding how to raise his children however, sensing all of them was force-sensitive from the start. He expressed his concerns numerous times but his worst fears become apparent when his brothers whole family was killed. Though the scene was gruesome there was one body missing from the family, and from the disfigured body of the killers he undertood what happened. And he was terrified. He woved to make this right by his brother. And find his missing son, one way or another.
  1. Can you elaborate on this a bit more, I.e what were his concerns? what was his brother doing that he didn't approve of? etc.
  2. Can you also reread this to check your grammar, If this is something you have difficulty with I will point out the specific sentences that have errors and provide correction but I thought you would appreciate the opportunity to review your self first :)


Jakkar said:
Development Threads: TO COME
I can't approve this until I have a development thread as he is a master level NPC. Your Dev thread needs to be atleast 25 posts and can be done as just you or with another writer. It can be on any topic so long as Makthos (I will call him M for my own ease if you don't mind, I'm lazy is all) is the main focus of your posts, that said the best development will be something like a third person account of [member="Jakkar"] being stalked/ followed by M or a past thread of M finding his brothers slain family or M training himself etc.

Thanks,
Callum

(P.S If you have any questions/ concerns about the reviews I'm asking you to make you can ask for clarification in this thread or through PM)
 
Jakkar said:
Role: Make it right. For he made the mistake of not being there frot him when Jakkar most needed him.
I think you mean for



Jakkar said:
Aiming to irritae them into oblivion.
Irritate



Jakkar said:
[+] Determination: Makthos backs down no matter what, you can see him run but he calls it 'Strategic Retreat' and he would always return to finish the job, one way or another.
This is contradictory at present I think you've missed a word or two out :p



Jakkar said:
[-] Hesitance: Makthos displays hesitance on inflicting fatal injuries even on droids, his over-zealous affliction to the light side has teached him to respect life in all its forms. He usually tries to knock them unconcious. [-] Slowness: Mathos moves slow when attacking, almost like he is stil anticipating something while attacking, this can throw off opponents but it is mostly a disadvantage. [-] Imapatience: Makthos can be dubbed as the most impatient man on earth. He prefers to jump in to the battle right away rather then prepare an ambush, which makes him unfit to be a strategist.

Ok I'm afraid these weaknesses are a touch lackluster when compered to his strengths, The hesitance is almost there but I'd like you to change inflict fatal injuries to inflict considerable injury as in he is reluctant to physically wound an opponent until he's forced to, the slowness shows promise but at present even you admit it's only a sort of weakness so I need you to make that one a bit more bitey to, I would also advice you change Impatience to recklessness not least because Impatience is the first step to the darkside.



Jakkar said:
Force Lightning: Despite being an overzealous fallower of the light side Makthos can perform force lightning easily, dubbing him thus dubbing him a 'Dark Jedi'
This is an impossibility, only proper darksiders can do force lightning, dark jedi can do powerful force sparks but the power I think your looking for is electric judgment (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Electric_Judgment)



Jakkar said:
The special ability mentioned above: Involves splitting two affliations of one person through the force. Splitting the Dark side and The Light side, creating two beings embodinig those sides. Very Exhausting, almost to the point of being Lethal, been only used once, and by the tremors nearly killed him. [SELF CREATED]
This has caused me a great deal of concern, Indeed it was the matter I needed a ruling from my superiors on, I can't in good faith allow an NPC to wield a non cannon force power. Whilst it is true that the force is infinite Npcs can't be where this a Player character things would be different but this is an Npc and should therefore be more 'textbook' as it were Npc should be background noise to players and this power would make this guy a focus. The power it's self is also massively powerful to the point that it is on par with Palpatine and Plagueis.

It is therefore my recommendation that in order to get everything you want from Makthos you ought to keep him as a player character, this will mean starting him as an apprentice. There is no set period to make master rank but typically it takes between 1 and 2 years on the site, this would grant you more leeway in terms of 'non-canon' powers. His particular special ability might require you to have put work into development in specific threads before people take it seriously. This is however but a recommendation you can keep him as an NPC but his power will have to go .



Jakkar said:
Intent: Redeem Jakkar one way or another.
If you do continue I have also been advised that this intention is alittle too vague so can you elaborate on it a little.

In answer to your question yes you could use the sub account but not as the main 'narrator' the main character used must be [member="Jakkar"] it's a technical rule we have. I would however advise against using the Makthos sub account as issue may be caused when you have the sub-account deleted.

Regards
Callum
 
Jakkar said:
still thinking of a replacment for the ability...

Can a full mind erase be achieved?[member="Lucien Cordel"]

I have consulted and yes it can, however there are conditions, it can't be used on PC's unless they want their mind erased and if it gets legitimately reported expect to lose the power.

Tag me if you have any concerns or when you ready for me to look over this again

regards
Callum
 
Jakkar said:
[The Vague Person is revealed at the Intent part.]
You can remove that bit as you've put [member="Jakkar"] 's name in now



Jakkar said:
[+] Determination: Makthos backs down no matter what, he would always finish the job, one way or another.
I think this should say he doesn't back down



Jakkar said:
Stronger Version of a 'Renewal Device' acquired through years of research.
He can have a standard renewal device if you wish , it can reasonably do the job or if you want a stronger one you need a factory sub.

Beyond that it looks good,

as for your dev thread just put a link to it under the dev thread heading.

Regards,
callum
 
That's not how I read it, obi wan was a master force user which [member="Jakkar"] is not yet, in addition as it's your character you can say it wiped his mind and no one will care, it's only an issue if you use it on other players. So my 'ruling' as it were is unchanged

Thanks

Callum
 
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