Just a Feeling

[Jairdain]

Fully accepting the solace and comfort in his arms, the unquestioning almost understanding from Solan helped. There was no humor in her right now even though they had shared some light words moments before. It was unknown to her that Kira had finished her search of the room and now listened in as well. Before the next part in her life came to be recounted, Jairdain broke.

Granted she was already broken when they met and as such she had quickly spiraled down. Now her breaking was of a different kind. Much like her time between being a sith and her return to the path she had been on, this time it healed her. As she had been recounting them, they culminated with the final straw of that death of her friend in the Netherworld. Now her healing could continue and complete under his touch.

A touch that was comforting and needed, it was also wanted. Kira had moved up and now rested against her body, a small token of additional support. By no active choice of her own, one of her hands moved down to pet the little wolf for a moment or two and returned to being wrapped around Solan again. Right now he was her anchor to keep her from slipping under the water totally and loosing everything.

Eventually her tears dried up and she sniffled into his chest. That was when he spoke and she felt him resting his head on her in return.

"What did I do to deserve this though? These things may have happened for reasons, but why? Also, I'm hungry and thirsty. There is one last bit of me you don't yet know. The worst part in my opinion."

Not at all moving from her position, she spoke with her head in his chest. In no way was she entirely ready to tell him this last bit and by mentioning food and drink was just delaying the inevitable.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

Solan didnt say anything, simply providing that shoulder for her to cry on.

He understood how pain could hurt and drag someone down and he could tell she was a far kinder person than he had ever been. Someone who had shown him years of pain and strife that on the outside held no reason for have happened. He had no answer for why these thing had happened to someone like that.

And soon enough she asked that question herself and he had no answer for her concerning why. Maybe the force had given her it as a test, maybe it had simply been luck, and maybe there was no explanation, and things had just happened without a valid reason. He did not have a reason for her but when she tried to change the subject he sighed and smiled at her.

Mentioning her hunger and thirst was not something done without a larger reason. She wanted to delay the mention of this last bit of her history but he knew that would only make it harder later on. So he looked her in the eyes, even if they did not work, and spoke. His hand brushing her hair clear from her face and drying her eyes with his sleeve.

"Its ok. What ever is left, it doesnt change who you are and what I see. You are still a beautiful raven."

 

[Jairdain]

For several long moments, Jairdain just sat resting in his arms before she spoke again. Open to this comfort and company, she gulped a few times, sniffled, but didn't move away. Still being partially broken emotionally, just being able to freely tell somebody of her life who was not judging her felt liberating. His caring might only be on the surface, but she needed this.

"No it does not change who I am, but it might change what opinion you have of me."

She didn't want that to happen. Never mind they had just met, as adviser to royalty, she had a reputation to maintain. The next part of that would ruin it. He knew Lady Kay and if he told her...things would get interesting.

"Beautiful raven or not, I...don't feel I am ready to speak of what my recent actions have been. They have been very questionable. It might only be you and I here with Kira, but if this went beyond us...my life would be even more ruined than it is."

A few more ragged breaths happened, but she fell silent again to sniffle slightly. At the moment, Jairdain remained stubborn and did not yet yield to her need to air everything. It would happen though, she knew this, but not yet.

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

He studied her face for a few moments before sighing, his eyes casting downwards and he smiled, nodding.

What he said though, was likely what she was not expecting to hear.

"Ive detonated a bomb in a civilian sector, Ive led campaigns and killed thousands, I am personally responsible for hundreds of deaths. I have been a drunkard, and someone that tried to kill one of their best friends because I could not control the dark side. I have been letting my body die for months, not learning from my mistakes and you helped solve that yourself." He let all that information sink in as he sighed and looked at the Wolf beside him.

"My daughter died from a disease I could not fix or even delay, my friends died or have been cast out from me, I have done many things to ruin the lives of millions and make it hard on more. I have served the Sith, and a man who was no better than the Sith themselves. I served under the Mandalorians and murdered several thousand members of the Republic Navy, killing their leadership without a thought on mercy." It was then that he finally stopped, the list going on but his point made.

"I have just trusted you with more information than even my children know. I put my trust in you to never reveal any of that though, and am willing to trust you with that if you would trust me with your own story. My life is open to you and without a second though I would trust you with anything else I do in the future. I only ask you trust me too Jair."

He waited for her answer, looking in her eyes and letting her see he was telling the truth without hesitation. Having told her enough crimes to get him locked up in any government.

 

[Jairdain]

There had been many doors Jairdain had not opened in his mind. So while those memories were there for her to have, she had not probed all of them. Some of what he said, she already knew and nodded at those points. When he commented that she had been the one to help solve his ability to heal, she may have blushed slightly. In the dark or so she assumed it was a dark room, it might not be seen.

Of everything he said, the point that hit home the most was when he said he had been letting himself die. In a way, she was on that same route. Having picked up drinking she was doing that on a regular basis now. Not only drinking though, she had been finding that wasn't enough to take away her pain and turned to other activities people would think of as worse. It was this Jairdain was reluctant to tell to Solan. He was right though, at least her actions only effected herself.

Not speaking, instead she did what she was best at. Being an empath. The previous day, he had offered to take her pain away and in a way she shared them with him. Having spoken of what brought her to this point, he would now feel what she did not want to say.

Nights of drinking until she couldn't think clearly. Days of smoking and doing other drugs to help her escape. The last was the hardest for her to share. She finally did break her silence and she felt he should hear this. Her words came slowly and her demeanor was empty and almost emotionless. That was just on the surface though. Inside, she was healing and coming back together.

"My life has also been filled with empty nights of company. Searching for what I had lost and not finding it. I threw myself at...well, I am pretty sure you can guess. This I feel is the lowest point in my life and I am so very much ashamed of what I have done. How can you say your opinion won't change of me?"

Not wanting to cry, but unable to stop it. The tears came again, but this time they were more healing than anything out of sorrow or pain.

"I'm sorry I am such a mess."

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]


"Because, I know that that is not who you want to be, that you would prefer to be that happy, beautiful Raven you told me of." He looked at her face still and rather than saying anything else he wiped her tears away once more.

Then without missing a beat he leaned in and kissed her, holding her tight and keeping the two close as they sat in the room. He wanted to give her comfort, to give her someone to lean on and something more than the emptiness that she had experienced for so long. He did not know how he felt about the woman, as she had helped him he felt indebted but that was not all of it. There was something more he could not describe right now.

That was ok though, he did not need to understand what was going on in his head at the moment. For now he wanted to help her calm down and get off her chest all the pain that was holding her back. He could tell someone like this deserved more than the pain they were feeling and he was not going to stand by and watch when he could help.

So he held her close, keeping the kiss locked until she pulled away and even then he would not abandon the embrace she was being held in. He was there for her, both physically and there to listen to her words and thoughts.

"And don't apologize, after all, last night I was the mess and you helped me. The first to do so in so very long Jair..."

 

[Jairdain]

What he said was right and this isn't what she wanted to be, but it was all she knew right now. She certainly didn't constant companionship, but she was the kind that needed to know somebody was going to be there when she needed it. In her turn, Jairdain would do her best to be there for that person. That had been a failing on her part before, she had put work before her relationship and it had ended. While she still loved that man, she didn't feel right in returning to him now. A previous meeting of theirs is what had started this part of her life. They had ended their long term and accepted relationship due to various reasons and now she blamed herself for all of it.

He had then come to her after the fall of the Alliance and had her take his memory of them away along with other memories of his.This act had helped throw her deeper into depression and down the path that lead her to this moment.

The kiss seemed to go hand in hand with what she had shared about her recent past with Solan. Those empty nights were put to rest and moved beyond. If he needed to know exactly what happened during them, her mind was open to him and Jairdain kept nothing hidden or secret. For the first time in a long time she felt accepted and whole. Allowing the kiss the come to a natural end, she rested in his embrace and just breathed.

This adventure had started out as something entirely different and she was not opposed to letting it continue along its new course. Those butterflies settled down in her stomach and she just felt warm and comfortable in this dark cabin with Solan.

"I would do this again. Maybe not the previous things that got me here, but just these past two days."

[member="Solan Charr"]

 

[Solan Charr]

[member="Jairdain"]

He knew that her words were true and nodded as she mentioned that she would do these past two days all over again. Something in him wanted to get her anything she needed, do anything for her and to protect her even if they had just met but that was the reason he felt so right. There was nothing that the two had hidden, nothing that had stopped them from learning about eachother and as he thought on that, his body moved, letting her know that he was not going to go far as his touch lingered before finally breaking.

"Ill be right back, Kira will take care of you and watch over you. We need food and something to keep us warm when I am too tired to keep the flames going, or if the room becomes choked by smoke." His eyes moved to the wolf who's fur glowed and created some form of light. He bent down, touching the small creature on the head and giving it a command to protect Jairdain.

"I wont be long... and Jairdain... I love you." He smiled as he said that, a soft and kind smile as he pulled the doors open with the force before drawing them closed again to keep the heat within while he searched for any food. Normally he would ask for help but Jairdain had been the one injured during the crash and he still wasn't sure if she had recovered. Granted, he couldn't stop her if she came with him into the metal halls, but she would understand why he wanted her to stay back.

Inside the room, Kira would quickly jump up and into Jairdain's lap, curling up and keeping her head pointed towards the door. The Wolf would wait and respond to Jairdain's touch, though be unable to reply to the woman other than through bodylanguage if questions were asked.

 

[Jairdain]

This wasn't going to be the first or last time Solan left her alone. As Jairdain thought about it though, she wasn't entirely alone. Kira was again on her lap and allowing her to pet her soft fur. She felt no danger here and laid down on the bed that was in the room. It might not be the wisest choice, but sleep had been lacking for all of them the last two days. At least her head had stopped hurting and she felt confident that going to sleep was a good choice.

Before she had done though, Solan had said something as he walked out the door. What it was gave her something to consider. Going through her memory of her past...those butterflies she had felt were the same as when she had met her first love. Even when she had met Brad...they had been absent. Maybe they were a sign that love had been found again.

Curling up on her side, her eyes closed and peaceful sleep came to her. It was a healthy sleep and she was in no danger of dying. Her mind had been healed, now her body needed it. Not aware of how long she slept, she would only stir slightly when Solan rejoined them.

[member="Solan Charr"]