Feedback Jalkare - a Human/Miraluka/Nagai Hybrid

[Corbin Vasher]

OUT OF CHARACTER INFORMATION

• Intent: For Corbin Vasher's Genetic Background
• Image Credit: n/a
• Canon: n/a
• Permissions: n/a
• Links: Miraluka, Nagai

GENERAL INFORMATION

• Name: Jalkare
• Designation: Sentient
• Origins: Dyspeth
• Average Lifespan: ~100 years
• Estimated Population: Unique
• Description: Look like pale Humans (unless born without eye sockets, in which case they are indistinguishable from Humans if wearing eye coverings.)

PHYSICAL INFORMATION

• Breathes: Type I Atmosphere
• Average Height of Adults: 1.8 Meters
• Average Length of Adults: n/a
• Skin color: Typically pale shades of brown to white, red tints possible.
• Hair color: Black, Grey, White most common, but any Human color available.
• Distinctions: Possible to be born without eye sockets. Skin tends to be pale. Red, Purple, Gold, Neon eyes more common than Humans.
• Races: n/a
• Force Sensitivity: High

Strengths:

• Can have natural Force Sight ability.
• Usually Force sensitive.
• Nimble and quick.

Weaknesses:

• May be born with no eye sockets. This is especially bad for any who are not Force sensitive and can't use Force Sight.
• May be seen as either Human, Nagai, Miraluka, or even vampires.
• Any with Force Sight can't use it in a Force-null area.

CULTURE

• Diet: Omnivore.
• Communication: Spoken language.
• Technology level: Galactic Standard
• Religion/Beliefs: Disciples of Twilight
• General behavior: Typically melancholic, though there are exceptions. Ones who aren't tend to rarely feel any negative emotion. They tend to be combat oriented, partially influenced by the Nagai blood, but it's more of a competitive and athletic aspect. They are friendly with any species, though this can differ on an individual basis. Any born with Force Sight are less likely to treat any one species differently than another. Jalkare tend to prefer spicy and bitter foods, though this also can differ between individuals.

HISTORICAL INFORMATION
Corbin Vasher is currently the only known example of this species. He was born on Dyspeth under miraculous circumstances to a half Human/half Nagai father and a half Human/half Miraluka mother. His mother had been injured when she was younger and was not supposed to be able to bear children, but somehow the presence of the Force made it possible for her to carry Corbin to full term. While technically half Human, the particular genetic mixings and circumstances caused Corbin to develop into an almost entirely separate near-human species.

 

[Ylla Caeli'runa]

Corbin Vasher
Hello there! So, from what I've seen, you're trying to make a species because of this rule in Character Creation. I'll warn you, there is gonna be a big overhaul with this submission. But, if you need any help with any of the suggested changes, please let me know and I'll be happy to do what I can to help.

My advice while trying to figure everything out is to think of the species is to remember that other writers can create characters that could read the sub and want to write a member of that species. Even though it's just Corbin right now, write it as if it's a whole new species that anyone could make a character from. So, let's hop into the changes:

Intent | Please link the character's bio rather than linking to the Profile page.​

​

General Note | Something I noticed while skimming over the sub is that there are a lot of references to Humans. And while that's a cool comparison, it's also everywhere in the sub. For the fields that read "Same as Humans/Like any Human" , I'm gonna need solid information in these fields even if these features aren't necessarily uber different from baseline Humans.​

EX: In Average Height, you add a metric height per the template. Or, in Hair Color or Skin Color, you'd add colors. Do they have rainbow hair? Is it a range (grey - black, light - brown respectively)?​

Name | Every cool species needs a name! It's cliche but I use generators and tweak around names until I find something that fits the vibe of what I'm going for.​

​

Origin | Because it's just Corbin right now, the Origin can be Dyspeth.​

​

Average Lifespan | Same as the General Note here, I'm gonna need a number or an average range of ages.​

Also, generally Force sensitivity doesn't elongate life just by being Force sensitive. Usually something is done or consumed in order to have a longer lifespan. Unless there's something unique that allows the Force sensitive members to have a longer life, I'd suggest removing this bit.​

​

Descriptions | Here, as I suggested, you wanna describe the species, not only the character. So what makes them cool, what do they look like, what are their personalities like? Give a couple of sentences to give the reader an idea on what the species is about.​

​

Breathes | For this field, we need an atmosphere type. Because you've put oxygen, I'd suggest replacing it with Type I unless you decide something else fits better.​

​

Distinctions | Anything interesting that sets them apart from, say, baseline Humans other than their eyes? Do they have longer limbs, are they faster or stronger? Do they have fangs or claws or something out of the ordinary entirely?​

​

Strengths & Weakness | Because these may change the more you add, add anything new that comes to mind here. I'd suggest adding in a weakness about Force Null fields and how that'd effect the members of the species that rely on Force Sight to see and make sense of their world.​

​

Diet & Communication | "Like any Human" can be removed here.​

General Behavior & History | I'd refer you to the template for these last two to get some examples and as a starting place for thinking of ideas. General Behavior will probably be a bit easier than Historial Information. Since this is a Unique species that isn't engineered somehow, I'd suggest giving information about Corbin here or at least the circumstances of his birth.​

Again, I know this is a lot but if you need any help please let me know! Happy to help if you need to bounce around ideas or tag me once edits are complete.

 

[Corbin Vasher]

Corbin Vasher
Hello there! So, from what I've seen, you're trying to make a species because of this rule in Character Creation. I'll warn you, there is gonna be a big overhaul with this submission. But, if you need any help with any of the suggested changes, please let me know and I'll be happy to do what I can to help.

My advice while trying to figure everything out is to think of the species is to remember that other writers can create characters that could read the sub and want to write a member of that species. Even though it's just Corbin right now, write it as if it's a whole new species that anyone could make a character from. So, let's hop into the changes:

Intent | Please link the character's bio rather than linking to the Profile page.​

​

General Note | Something I noticed while skimming over the sub is that there are a lot of references to Humans. And while that's a cool comparison, it's also everywhere in the sub. For the fields that read "Same as Humans/Like any Human" , I'm gonna need solid information in these fields even if these features aren't necessarily uber different from baseline Humans.​

EX: In Average Height, you add a metric height per the template. Or, in Hair Color or Skin Color, you'd add colors. Do they have rainbow hair? Is it a range (grey - black, light - brown respectively)?​

Name | Every cool species needs a name! It's cliche but I use generators and tweak around names until I find something that fits the vibe of what I'm going for.​

​

Origin | Because it's just Corbin right now, the Origin can be Dyspeth.​

​

Average Lifespan | Same as the General Note here, I'm gonna need a number or an average range of ages.​

Also, generally Force sensitivity doesn't elongate life just by being Force sensitive. Usually something is done or consumed in order to have a longer lifespan. Unless there's something unique that allows the Force sensitive members to have a longer life, I'd suggest removing this bit.​

​

Descriptions | Here, as I suggested, you wanna describe the species, not only the character. So what makes them cool, what do they look like, what are their personalities like? Give a couple of sentences to give the reader an idea on what the species is about.​

​

Breathes | For this field, we need an atmosphere type. Because you've put oxygen, I'd suggest replacing it with Type I unless you decide something else fits better.​

​

Distinctions | Anything interesting that sets them apart from, say, baseline Humans other than their eyes? Do they have longer limbs, are they faster or stronger? Do they have fangs or claws or something out of the ordinary entirely?​

​

Strengths & Weakness | Because these may change the more you add, add anything new that comes to mind here. I'd suggest adding in a weakness about Force Null fields and how that'd effect the members of the species that rely on Force Sight to see and make sense of their world.​

​

Diet & Communication | "Like any Human" can be removed here.​

​

General Behavior & History | I'd refer you to the template for these last two to get some examples and as a starting place for thinking of ideas. General Behavior will probably be a bit easier than Historial Information. Since this is a Unique species that isn't engineered somehow, I'd suggest giving information about Corbin here or at least the circumstances of his birth.​

Again, I know this is a lot but if you need any help please let me know! Happy to help if you need to bounce around ideas or tag me once edits are complete.

Okay, I'll give it some work. It will probably take a while though, so you can move it to pre-codex if you need to.

 

[Ylla Caeli'runa]

Corbin Vasher No problem! I can do that. Please remember to post it in Live Judging once all of the edits are completed.

[ MOVED TO PRE-CODEX PER REQUEST ]

 

[Corbin Vasher]

Ylla Caeli'runa Actually went faster than I expected. Still working on General Behavior and History, but how is it so far?

 

[Ylla Caeli'runa]

Corbin Vasher Looking good so far! Small typo in the Fore Null weakness, I think you meant to type "can't" instead of "can". But, otherwise, lots of improvement.

Please let me know when Behavior and Histoy are updated!

 

[Corbin Vasher]

Corbin Vasher Looking good so far! Small typo in the Fore Null weakness, I think you meant to type "can't" instead of "can". But, otherwise, lots of improvement.

Please let me know when Behavior and Histoy are updated!

It was a typo. How's that for behavior and history? Is it enough or do I need more?

 

[Ylla Caeli'runa]

Corbin Vasher No problemo. Maybe more on the General Behavior front. What are things that the species values? Are they combat oriented, passive, or somewhere in between culturally? Are they friendly towards other species? Are there species that they can't stand? Things like this help to give the reader more insight to the species and helps people understand how to interact with them, if at all.

 

[Corbin Vasher]

Corbin Vasher No problemo. Maybe more on the General Behavior front. What are things that the species values? Are they combat oriented, passive, or somewhere in between culturally? Are they friendly towards other species? Are there species that they can't stand? Things like this help to give the reader more insight to the species and helps people understand how to interact with them, if at all.

I even added a food taste preference.

 

[Ylla Caeli'runa]

Corbin Vasher Looks lovely to me. If you believe this is ready, please re-post this to the Species Creation Forum as due to the most recent update I'm unable to move this back to Live Judging once it's been moved to Pre-Codex.

Thank you for your patience and your cooperation in working through the kinks of the submission. It's been a pleasure.

 

[Corbin Vasher]

Corbin Vasher Looks lovely to me. If you believe this is ready, please re-post this to the Species Creation Forum as due to the most recent update I'm unable to move this back to Live Judging once it's been moved to Pre-Codex.

Thank you for your patience and your cooperation in working through the kinks of the submission. It's been a pleasure.

I'll have to rewrite it all unfortunately because copy/paste won't copy hidden code lol. But thanks for the help!