Private I Think of What the World Could Be

[Alwine Daye]

Anse Baenshaol

For days now, the stone shard around Alwine Lechner's wrist had been shining brightly. It was the remains of a stone gifted to her by a dear friend, a stone that shone brightly whenever a Lupine it did not know was in the vicinity. Alwine had not played with its exact radius as of yet, but she knew it was large enough to be used in a place like Eve, the capital city of the Scintilla, the home base of the Agents of Chaos.

The first day, she had almost had a heart attack when the stone suddenly began to glow. It was later that evening that a quick holomessage explained the reasoning. And ever since, she had been too terrified to go and look.

Her entire life, Alwine had been told that here were no more Lupines, that her family, which consisted of her Lupine mother and brothers, and a completely human father, were the last of them. She had always known deep in her heart that it was untrue, but it was quite the experience not only to believe that it was, but tangibly run into other Lupines.

And then be incredibly disappointed.

Making it off of Stewjon, meeting other Lupines who all vanished quickly, and the breaking of the pack she had with her brothers, had all nearly broken the young woman. The realization that the galaxy offered more than Warrior or Servant for people like her and that perhaps she no longer wished to be the Warrior she had always dreamed of had been another, though much smaller, hit to the gut.

But these were all parts of why she had joined the Agents of Chaos in the first place. There was no place for her to put her roots down in the previous place she had been at. And there never would be. It had been folly to try to do so by force for so long, especially when she had understood quite quickly that the place was not the magical wonderland she and her brothers had dreamed of.

But was the Scintilla that place? Alwine wasn't entirely sure – but she knew that it wasn't not, at least not yet.

Several days of lack of sleep and fretting over the stone had nearly driven the Lupine insane. Eventfully, she had simple forced her wardrobe open and chosen a simple dress that was easy to remove in case she would have to shift into her wolf form, and had made her way to the location given to her about where the other wolf man was.

Pretty shortly, she no longer had a need for the stone. A Lupine could always sense another Lupine. They could smell it. And she certainly smelled this one.

Letting her inner snout lead the way, it wasn't long before Alwine arrived at the shop that the other Lupine was meant to work at. Was he in? The scent individuated that he was there quite often. But would it be enough?

Clearing her throat, her heart thumping loudly in her chest, Alwine took a deep breath…. And knocked.

 

[Anse Baenshaol]

----|---- Playlist ----|----​

Anse was still getting himself settled in, still adjusting to the strangeness of having ‘a shop’. Scherezade deWinter had given him the carte blanche to choose a place on the planet for a shop, along with styling it, furnishing it and if it needed additions. Getting the building set up hadn’t been the hard part, nor the location, he sat there looking on the holonet for ‘stuff’. Billions of items were available and it boggled his mind. The few things he had in the place was literally a bed, something to sit on while browsing for things and the few things he needed in the kitchen.

What he had ordered thus far were plants, things for the plants, care droids for all these things. He moved around so much that he needed something to take care of the greenery while he was away. He even had area for a garden up top and along the side, which meant a system in place for harvesting, preparing and preserving said edibles. He couldn’t hunt as he wished, but he had a place he could do just that, splitting the catches would be easy.

He was sprawled in the ugly chair, just in a pair of linen pants, having just showered. The knock made him swivel his head like an owl, but his wolf felt something strange. Truth was, he had never ‘felt another’ of his kind. He grew up with his father, it had never been a thing between them. So this sudden sense of ‘other’ was incredibly disconcerting. He stood up and moved to the door, his holster for his blasters hung on the handle of the door. A temporary place for them of course, a mental note to hunt for new toys and proper place to store them.

He wasn’t a ‘looking for trouble’ sort, but he could fight and he was a damn good shot with either his rifle or his blasters. His aim, his mechanical skills and his adoration for any body he found himself appreciating were about the only things he could say he had skill with. He probably had others, but this was the three he relied on most. His aim being dead last of course, the first was the appreciation of form.

He cracked open the door and peered, with a raised eyebrow at the cute little thing just standing looking like some lostling hoping someone was home. He graced her with a smile, set his weapon back and then opened it more than the inch or two he had started with. “Lass, I ain’t be open ta fix mechanicals yet, but I be able ta help ye with other things... If ye be a neighbor having caught a fancy after lookin at me moving in.”

A cute little thing like her was quite a better distraction than the sea of domicile things he had been looking at. In fact, he’d be more than happy to let her take the day or any other amount of his time she chose. It wasn’t in his nature not to give a pretty girl or boy such an offer. She’s see he had a few tattoos, a few scars, but otherwise he was lithe and fit. A fact that has always been a useful advantage, especially as he always earned it instead of paying for it. However he had the feeling this was not what she was here for, but making her blush would certainly be amusing too.

Either way he was curious to know just why a stranger was coming from out of no where to his door.


​

 

[Alwine Daye]

Anse Baenshaol

He was in there. She could scent him, his movements, before he even reached the doors. It had been so long since she'd last come cross another Lupine that was not of her family, and even those of her family were now becoming not much more than a memory. Alwine took a quick inhale as she felt him close enough to open the door, standing as straight as she possibly could to reach her full five feet of height. She was well aware of the fact that she was a tiny woman; yet more often than not, her presence was that of someone much bigger. Now though… In the presence of new Lupines, she often felt tinier than she was.

The door opened, and she found herself looking at him, her throat suddenly running dry. He spoke before she did, and never once in her life had she heard any Lupine speak that way. The accent was untraceable to her, and the content… "What?" the confusion was all too easy to hear in her voice. He had, indeed, succeeded. The blush on her cheeks was hard to miss.

"I yearn for the day I meet a male Lupine who has some basic manners and decency," she said a moment later, recomposing herself. She frowned as her usual firmness and strictness returned to her, and she fixed the much taller male with a glare that could make the wildest of beasts sit up straight and behave.

"But you do not seem interested in the least that you are meeting another Lupine," she remarked, "Are you from somewhere that has many of our kind, and are you going to let me keep standing here or are you going to invite me in already? I assure you I have no plans of conquering your physique though I do not suggest you attempt to take mine or I shall leave you a bleeding pelt."

 

[Anse Baenshaol]

----|---- Playlist --|-- Alwine Daye ----|----​

Her withering glare was only met with a sardonic smirk, he was unphased by her reaction. However he had done that to fire her up, get her to lose that timid uncertainty. “Ah, there be a better fluff of spirit than what ye knocked on my door with lass. Much better.”

Telling her quite clearly he’d done that intentionally. He stepped aside and she’d be met with the business side of the shop. It was, in essence a ‘waiting room’ that led to the back and personal residence side. It was however quite empty. “It not be much. Th’ one with my contract, th’ Winter lass, she handed me this credit chit and told me buy whatever, so, now I can do so. Not sure how ta go about it ta be honest, obviously tools and th’ like, but ehh…”

He gave a shrug as he opened the next door to let her into his home. Save for the chair and the holo-display, it was likewise barren. “As for meeting others with manners. I have them, but if ye know not of other men outside your blood, how you be so able ta judge tha’ another man may not. Hm? Ye don't have th' look of a lass who strays into much masculine company. Ye come ta my door and I open it and ye look so timid, I needed ta yank your tail ta get your spine back from where ye left it. Also, I only be half Lupine. Don’t ask what else, I never asked my sire and he be dead now. He only remarked once tha’ he was glad his genetics won out instead of my dam’s. I just know I be not purely him or purely her, but I be enough of her ta have ye lot be interested.”

He sprawled on the ground and nodded his nose at the chair, not pointing or gesturing with his hand as another might. He did however turn off the holo-display for the moment. He was also giving her the ‘higher’ position as his was lower. One might take it as a form of submission, but really he just was being mannerly. “If ye not be looking for a sire ta your offspring, just what do ye be looking for exactly? Ye be the first stranger I met, how didja even sniff me out? Anyways, ye be the first Lupine for me, but it don’t mean I thought myself alone either. Makes sense if there be one, there be others, it just be how life is. Mind ye, I don’t mind making a new friend, I might even be willing ta sire a pup or two for ye. I just dunno why as soon as I get th’ keys ye be at my door, she didn’t say she told ye where I be. No warning, but a pleasant surprise anyways.”


​

 

[Alwine Daye]

Anse Baenshaol

It had been a manipulation? To that, Alwine's cheeks reddened again, but not for the sexual tone but rather having so easily been doped into it. Despite this, she made sure her chin did not lower itself for a moment. She would not gape, and she would not bow her head. Not for him. Not with how he was behaving. Carefully, she stepped forward and inside.

Empty.

Normally, she would have wondered why, but the other male went into such a verbal tangent that there hadn't really been a chance for her to put a single word in. Her nostrils flared though – more than once, in response to some of the utterly ridiculous things that escaped his mouth. And then…

Alwine frowned. Why was he on the ground?

"Oh get up, you oaf," she sighed as she went and took the chair. Sitting would be wise now. As she did so, she reached for her waterskin and took a few gulps, trying to gather her thoughts.

"There is no such thing as half a Lupine," she chose to start there, "You either are one, or you are not. The Lupine gene is the dominant one. Half breeding is genetically impossible. If you are perhaps suffering from other ailments, we can look into that and see if perhaps something requires correction or fixing."

As for the rest… Alwine could not deny that there was a pinch of jealousy in her heart. He had been raised, much like her and her siblings, completely separated from others of his kind. But his education had not given it any weight. The fact that they were meeting now… It did not interest him. It did not excite him. For him, it held no meaning.

"Where did you grow up?" she tried to ask, "Where was your father from?"

But perhaps… Perhaps… Alwine shook her head. No. She could not demand that information right off the bat. Not without offering her own. "Of the Lupines we know of, they all originated on the same planet somewhere in the Eastern part of the Galaxy, a planet called Figaro Fortuna IV. Every Lupine I have ever come across was certain that they were either the last or part of the last pack that existed. The fact you are here at all… It is still surprising.

I… I always look into these things. I look to prove the lies I'd been told as wrong. I am trying to discover the truth behind our very existence."

 

[Anse Baenshaol]

----|---- Playlist --|-- Alwine Daye ----|----​

Anse laughed. “I am apparently enough of one ta be getting ye knocking at my door lass. I don’t know th’ hows or whys of what I am, I just am. I do not know where my father came from nor did I ever know my mother. I grew up wandering th’ galaxy beside my father fixing things tha’ were broken.”

He had stood up as he said this, hooking his thumbs in his belt and standing relaxed. She had the only chair currently. “I do not need correction or fixing, but maybe it be due to where my father’s people came from? They were experiments. Someone decided to mix th’ force, sorcery and Gurlanin dna all into a dish to create my father’s people. Maybe that is why.” It wasn’t like it was valuable information, he wasn’t even sure if it was a true story or even possible. “Lass, th’ question of why anyone exists is a question tha’ people been asking since someone thought to ask. Instead of looking backwards trying to find answers you’ll likely never get, ye should be asking how ye will move forward. You be looking for your people, why? What will ye do when ye get them all together? This should be what ye be working on. Ye have a reason for doing this, but I doubt it has much to do with th’ past.”


​

 

[Alwine Daye]

Anse Baenshaol

Still she looked at him as though he was a strange puppy stranded on an island surrounded by lava. All he spoke of, the way he said things… Not once had she seen a Lupine, any Lupine, behave that way. It was one of those incredibly rare occasions during which Alwine found herself at a loss for words. Had it not been for his own questions at the end of it, she probably would have remained as such for a little bit longer. But questions had always sprung her mind and mouth into action.

"Experiments?" she asked, blinking first. Gurlanin? She recalled hearing the name of that species before, but nothing came to mind about who or what they were. But she knew of experiments being done on their kind. More than once. And on at least several occasions, because she had held her arm out and given those who wanted to run the experiments something to work with.

But Anse… He felt like a Lupine. If she could only mute him and focus on the scent, there was nothing she could detect that would mark him as anything different than any of the other Lupines she had met in the past. Did it mean the experiments hadn't worked, despite everything? Or did it mean that another thing that she had taken as a Lupine, her ability to scent other Lupines, wasn't as good ofa tool as she had believed it was?

"You have not dealt with being lied to your entire life," she said at last, her voice quiet, "You do not know what it is like to one day discover that all your little thoughts, the ones that others had branded as paranoia or possession, are suddenly proven to be entirely true."

Sighing, the petite blonde rose from her chair and looked around. Her throat suddenly felt parched, and she wanted a drink. Tap water would be good enough.

"Is it wrong of me to wish to have a future with my own people? The very ones who were constantly denied to be in my past?"

Eying the tap, Alwine walked to it, cranking it open. The water was clean and pure. Like almost every water source on the Scintilla. Safe. She let it pool in her hand before bending down to lap her tongue at the bit of water gathered there before straightening up and turning back to Anse.

"You are the first Lupine I meet that doesn't seem to care about the others," she said, "How is that? Do you feel no pull or call of any sort at all? Has the question of where the others are never once crossed your thoughts?"

 

[Anse Baenshaol]

----|---- Playlist --|-- Alwine Daye ----|----​

-
He looked at her and shrugged. “I grew up with my sire. If he lived and I lived, others lived. It be not a thing I questioned, but ye? I can see how ye would be different. Except ye be wrong on one thing lass… What ye be told about being alone, wasn’t a lie. This person believed it was so and it was, till ye learned otherwise. It be simple ignorance, not falsehood. Ye be not ignorant like they are or were, all ye did was challenge their beliefs of th’ world. What then does it prove tha’ ye be trying to educate yourself? It be good ye want to do so, but doing so changes nothing of your past. Your anger, your hurt, th’ things ye suffered for tha’ challenge, made ye who ye are now. This should be celebrated, but does it bring ye satisfaction lass? Tha’ be th’ most important thing ye should be asking.”

He flopped on the floor and sighed. “Being around others like myself… It not be a thing I ever thought about. I be alone, no kin at my side. Till I became nose to nose with ye I just… Never had to think of an answer to those questions ye just asked. I never had those questions to even ask to myself. I don’t know how I feel lass, I be used to being alone."

Did he want a clan? A pack? Yes, but more than anything he craved people who shared the same blood as himself. Family. Knowing there were others of the same ‘people’ wasn’t enough, he wanted something stronger than just being part of a people. “Family means more to me than just having a people lass. It be one thing to say ‘these are my people’ but being able to say ‘this is my clan’? Aye, I crave tha’ more than anything else. So it be well and good I have a people, but tha’ collection of strangers is not my family. Make sense? There be something ye can only have when ye look at a person and go ‘this be my blood’. I would give almost anything ta have my sire back, to have a clan again, even if it be a small clan of two.”

He doubted she would understand, but for him it was a loss that still bled. Family. He didn’t think she would understand how knowing he wasn’t the only one didn’t bring him much joy. He didn’t expect her to. He didn’t want to alienate her either, but he wasn’t going to lie or feed her what she might want to hear.


​

 

[Alwine Daye]

Anse Baenshaol

"The past cannot be changed," Alwine agreed. There was no point in denying that. Whatever she did, wherever she went, however much forward she would ever manage to claw her way to, the years on Stewjon would not be erased. Could never be. Even if by some freak accident she found herself lacking all her memories, it would still not undo what had been done.

Years of beatings, of being forced into servitude. The punishments for every minor misstep. Seeing her brothers being treated so differently. Needing to sneak away at night, always being afraid when she slept in her wolf form, which was nearly every night.

"But there is nothing to celebrate," she added quietly, "Before discovering that I was right and that there are others, there was nothing about my life for any to celebrate. I would say that that even after - for the first months after the discovery, I spent in jail, being tortured, having my bones broken and hot wood splinters shoved beneath my nail beds while they still let me keep my nails. After that those were removed as well. And as such, the question of satisfaction is entirely irrelevant."

It had been… A very long time since Alwine last said anything about those months. Everyone around her had expected her to just magically be over it and for it to not matter any more. Now, almost two years later, she knew somewhere inside of herself that this was wrong. That she was allowed to still feel the pain of those months. But she would never say it out loud. There hadn't been a reason to. With her brothers no longer part of her life, those years ought to not be as well. If only the soul truly worked that way.

Used to being alone. She had not thought that this was possible for a Lupine. In many ways, nearly all of those she knew operated alone. And yet even within that, she had yet to see proof that any of them preferred it that way. There was a reason that Lupines split into packs. And to be without one… What did it say about them, as a whole, that none of them were in an actual pack? Lonely wolves, the bunch of them, and not a single one of them willing to admit it. They were fractured now, and hurting as a species. And there was absolutely nothing that could be done about that.

"A collection of strangers is not family," she said with a nod, "But families are more than what you are born into. They are what you make." Moving from her chair, the petite woman made to sit next to the bigger wolf. Her body language was careful, yet showed no signs of being intimidated. Carefully, Alwine held her hand forward.

"I cannot promise to be your clan," Alwine said after a short pause, "All I can do is ask you for the chance to be. I am without a clan as well, my pack so broken that I sometimes wonder if it had ever existed at all. I am trying to build my life and I do not know what will grow of it. But I would… I…" What words could she possibly use here to portray her intent? "I would like to get to know you better," she said at last, her words quick, "and after we know one another better than this meeting, perhaps we could forge a new clan."

 

[Anse Baenshaol]

----|---- Playlist --|-- Alwine Daye ----|----​

Anse went very still when she stretched out her hand. She touched on something that was a sore subject. He stared at her reaching hand and his every instinct was to bristle, pull away, but instead he froze. Even as he wanted to reject her offer, he craved it. But then the doubts slipped in. How far does her desire go? What lines will she not cross to honor that promise?

His hand grabbed hers while she was off balance pulling her on top of him. He stared up at her his eyes turning gold. “Ye say tha’ lass, but just how far will ye go to honor tha’ vow eh? What happens if I take it and I call on ye cuz I have need and ye won’t come cuz whatever circumstance I be in? Clan, no matter what stands together, no lines, no noes, just going even if ye be too late to get there. What if I be wanting more from ye than tha’? I have ye in my grasp lass, what will ye do?”

Despite the threat, there was no danger. It was a bluff, a predator whose wound was prodded. He wanted her to run, he wanted her to stop touching what hurt so bad. She was such an innocent thing looking to give him something that meant as much to him as his freedom. Such a request was also binding to him too. “Ye ask something tha’ be soul-deep and not a thing lightly given. It be more binding than th’ contract tha’ brought me here. Ye belong to a faction tha’ be having some questionable lines I do not like, ye could use tha’ to force me to aid their goals. Ye could also say nothing and come to harm doing what helps th' faction and I would have failed to stand with ye as clan ought. Can ye agree to stand back, to not act so not to compromise one vow for another?”

It was a hard thing to stand and deny others, especially with whatever was agreed upon. It was why he made his terms so specific so that his freedom, his honor, was not compromised. Could she do the same? Would she? “Ye offer something tha’ be salt where I bleed, but ye be asking something of me tha' also binds ye in return. I swore never to follow another’s desires if there be any doubt tha’ th’ cause be unjust or could become so. I will not murder innocent people dying to defend their homes because another ordered them to fight. I will not be th’ reason another child sits screaming holding th’ hands of her whole world with them dead beside her! Can ye promise to honor tha’?”

He doubted she would be able to do so, not many could. The scope to what he holds close as clan is not the same image that aligns with the designs of most factions. Hell, not even to most individuals. When nose to nose with a temptation that puts those vows in question, the vast majority would fail to deny it. It had been hard enough for himself to say no to every story that touched his heart. He helped when he could or pointed those who could in the right direction, but never did he point his weapon at an enemy just because someone said they were one.

More, he wasn’t sure he could be confident in her leadership, such as it was with just the two of them. Her request put her in a position of power, one he would have to follow and it made him hesitate. He doubted she was thinking of the ramifications, she was speaking from the side of the heart which rarely thought things through. “I am touched tha’ ye look at me and your heart says ye want to stand with me and me standing with ye in return. However lass, ye be asking for a responsibility tha’ ye likely haven’t thought through. Ye be asking me to bind myself to ye in such a way tha’ in my culture be incredibly intimate thing. I can call ye friend, I can defend ye as long as I do not feel like it be compromising my lines, but clan lass? Tha’ be… Tha’ be a thing ye ought to give only when you are ready. As my friend, I can tell ye no, but as my leader? I would have to die for ye or for th’ cause ye choose to fight for.”


​

 

[Alwine Daye]

Anse Baenshaol

Words. So many words. Alwine's head threatened to spin when Anse pulled her to the floor, but she did not resist him. His words flowed at high speed, but she let him move her on top of him almost like a marionette, listening intently.

She could hear it. Not just the words at their surface level, no, but what went deeper than that. Anse could've painted it on a matter of morality, of factions, of things to do, but it was all just noise, given to cover something that ran so much deeper, violently so.

Alwine closed her eyes and let her forehead rest against his chin for the briefest of moments.

"I promise you nothing," she said at last, her voice barely audible to any of those who were not such as them, "And you cannot promise me either. We do not know each other, and the future is big and vast and we don't even know if there is a place for any of us in it, not as individuals and not as Lupines."

The petite adjusted herself, lying now on top of him in a way that made their bones not poke uncomfortably against each other. "No binding, no intimacy of that sort,"she assured him, "not yet. I am not asking you to tie yourself to me, nor am I offering myself to you. The only thing I want… Is the chance to get to know each other better, to see if a pack might be something that could happen in the future. No promises, no guarantees. Until such a moment arrives, should it ever arrive, we may each leave at any given moment, for any given reason."

Her voice was… Soft. So much softer than she'd expected it to be. It confused her. Alwine was always the tough speaker, the Lupine with words sharp enough to cut. Now… This wasn't it. This wasn't what she wanted. She had no wish to cut Anse, no wish to do him harm. The only thing she wanted was for him to understand her, as she thought she understood him.

"But when the day comes that I bind myself to a person, whether because of a pack or by other means," she continued, "My loyalty will never waver. I was the one who was left behind, not the other way around. And I did not leave until I believed it was truly over and could never be salvaged. So take your time. Take all the time you need. It's a big galaxy. Experience it in every way that you want to, Anse Baenshaol, and not just through contracts that make your life slightly more comfortable for a little bit of time. If we ever choose to have that form of intimacy between us, it will be because we both choose it. I will accept nothing less, and I do not expect you to accept anything less either."