Private I Had This Thing

[Allyson Locke]

I had this thing to call my own
Kaili Talith
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Staring at the ceiling, the fan spun, blowing the fresh air through the staleness that had taken over. Allyson took in deep, ragged breaths as she held onto the bloody bandages around her waist. She knew she should have taken the bacta given to her by the medic, but it felt right that she felt the pain from Loske's blade. Her head pounded with every beat of her heart, but she didn't move to ease it. ​

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Another deep, labored breath escaped her chapped lips, she was alone. Her thoughts continued to move through her mind, focused on her regrets that led her to this moment. She wished she could make them stop, let them go - she wanted to be happy. In her heart, she knew who owned it, but she wasn't here anymore. Leaning forward, the Corellian brought a hand to her forehead as she tried to get the bright amber eyes from her mind. Yet every time she closed her eyes, Allyson felt transported back. She could feel her soft beach blonde hair brushing gently against her face, her smile and laughter haunted her. ​

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If only she had walked away from everything, she had realized how much she loved the girl from Borleias, and how painful it would be to miss her. Leaning back once more, Allyson felt the couch's base behind her as her head craned against the seat cushion. Once more, she looked at the ceiling, watching the fan spin. The motion was captivating, and her mind wandered - wondering where the girl had gone, was she alive? Did she find someone else? Above all else, Allyson wondered if she was happy. That was all she ever wanted for her, she wanted Kaili to be happy - to never be tied down because of her family's ambitions. ​

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She wanted her to be free, but Allyson wished to be free as well. They were so young, and the damn fool of a Corellian wanted to be a hero. As she stared at the ceiling, the world began to peel away, fading into a memory that the woman had often dreamed about. The ceiling she had recognized for the past few months returned to the beachside hut that she had known as Kaili's workshop and home. It was there, they had met, learned to trust each other, and had fallen in love. Allyson pulled her eyes from the ceiling and looked around; everything was the same as it was back then, had some dust, but had that same charm. ​

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Allyson continued to look around, trying to pinpoint essential pieces, and she wondered why she was back here and how she was back here. Her lips parted, searching for her voice to call for the girl. Nothing came out, but she tried again with all her strength. ​

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"Kaili-" She stopped herself, she wanted to tell the blonde that she was home, but she needed to remind herself that this probably was another lie she was telling herself.​

 

[Kaili Talith]

Allyson Locke

The winds of the AC unit blew an unfelt gust of cold air into the surprisingly quiet room. For a second the blonde-haired form from deep within the recesses of Allyson’s mind threw a glance over her shoulder before she went back to work again. However, upon realization of just exactly who had stepped into her store again she turned back around again with a sudden twist. Her hair lifted, her eyes wide in surprise before they closed ever so gently with the same worn smile that Allyson had seen in her dreams for the last few months.

“Did the Alliance let you come back here so soon?” Her soft voice hummed as the smile split into a teasing grin. “If you’d given me more of a heads up I might have prepared something, but hey… You’re here, so… You know,”

This was a section of the mind that had been explored in-depth, and yet for all it was worth the details seemed to fade for each word that passed through Kaili’s lips. In its stead grew the void of nothing. A hollow abyss that clawed for what still remained of the memory.

“... Hello again, Allyson.” Kaili said and began to glance around the room. “You seem to come by more and more often lately. I thought you said the Alliance had a need of you.”

And then as she looked back towards Allyson it was there in her eyes, the little spark that always seemed to ignite whenever she saw the woman before her. With her hands placed in her lap Kaili took a seat on a nearby stool. The wall behind her began to crumble and yet her eyes wandered up to look into Allyson’s eyes with a warm smile.

“Although I suppose it depends on which Alliance we are talking about, huh? The one that wants you dead, or the one that already killed you once before.”

 

[Allyson Locke]

The song of her voice brought a calm over the Corellian. Allyson had almost forgotten how much the blonde created a well of peace inside of her. Had she been back here so many times before? She couldn't remember, but it seemed this place had been her mental refuge, protecting whatever sanity she had kept. Looking out of the nearby window, Allyson saw the others' faces - the ones she couldn't remember. Yes, Kaili had been her sanctuary and protected her from the mess her mind had become. How could she forget? Even, in reality, this small droid shop had been her refuge. ​

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"I didn't realize I had been coming by as often." A small smile spread across her face as she thought quietly about how she always did show up unannounced even when this was her reality. "You know me, though, I was never good at telling you when I was coming home." Allyson paused at the word and then shook her head. This wasn't home, it wasn't anymore. ​

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Allyson looked up and caught the gaze of the vibrant flame-colored eyes of her first love. Her eyes were always the Corellian's favorite feature of the woman; they haunted her dreams. Allyson had to catch herself as if the air had been sucked from her lungs, only a few ever had that effect on her. ​

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Allyson didn't have much time to admire the beauty of Kaili Talith, the world around them started to fall apart, and the woman's words cut deep into her. A memory of the frustration the woman felt with the war Allyson continued to run back to. The words were like sharp daggers, and Allyson felt the pain in her gut and her stomach, suddenly aware again of her wound. Allyson walked forward, feeling the world continue to fall apart around them. She tried so hard to rebuild the memory, but her mind focused on Kaili. ​

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"I-I thought they needed me. I messed up." Kaili knew that though, but it was hard to remember that the woman was nothing but her mind's creation. "Seems you were right, the Alliance was never good for my health. Why didn't you make me stay?" Allyson wanted to forget that detail, she wanted Kaili to be real. ​

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"That's not fair, you know. Everything I did, I did to protect you. I didn't want anything bad to happen to you. I fought in those wars, I worked behind enemy lines to keep you safe. You were the reason I did everything. You know that. I would have died to make sure you were safe. The thought of--" Allyson stopped. Her chest hurt, and breathing was difficult. She just wanted to protect the one person she loved from the dangers of the galaxy. Yet, she still failed, and all she had was this pocket of her mind - where she resided.​

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Standing so close, Allyson could pick up the scent of Kaili's perfume. It was always so gentle and put the spy into a daze. Reaching out, she let her fingers caress the blonde's cheek gently. "Where did I ruin everything, Kaili?" ​

Kaili Talith ​

 

[Kaili Talith]

The last few longing glances of a fading memory was a stark contrast to the dream that slowly collapsed around them. At one point everything that Allyson saw and felt in that very moment had been a reality, and perhaps in the end that was what hurt the most. It was a time of their life that they both had treasured beyond anything that words could possibly give meaning to, and even so it had come to an end. The fragmented glimpses into the past stared back at Allyson from the void as it slowly nodded along for each word that parted the Corellian woman’s tongue, almost as if she had been aware of every single word she was going to say before she’d even begun to shape them.

With a slow push Kaili put herself on her feet again. The stool she had sat on cracked and collapsed into the ground where it disappeared along with the rest of the world. The brush against her cheek was met with the slow lull of a girl that knew she wasn’t real, heartbroken over the fact that her once-lover refused to accept what had happened between them.

“You already know where you ruined it.” The apparition whispered as her soft hand wrapped around Allyson’s to push it back onto her chest, right above her heart. “She never asked you to do any of it. She only wanted you home where you were safe, where you made her feel safe.”

The rest of Borleias seemed to crumble and fall around them until eventually it was just the two women and the empty void. A deafening silence fell between them as Kaili continued to look into Allyson’s eyes and very soul. All around them the rifts of conversations began to echo, unseen but not unheard in a cacophony of their own voices.

And yet, one of them called out with far more clarity than the others,

“I already lost you once before, Allyson. Please!” The memory shrieked with a violent echo before it was drowned out by the sound of another scene. The shape of Kaili closed its eyes and slowly looked down on the ground seemingly in remorse for what it was doing to its master.

“We need to talk.” Kaili’s voice scattered around Allyson, a fragment of the end.

“I never—” Kaili had swallowed her words that day. The shiver on her voice betrayed the message before she spoke it. A quiet understanding of where the conversation was going drowned the scene with a palpable sense of dread. “I never wanted to see this day, but I just—”

A shaky breath and a long sigh,

“Allyson, I can’t do this anymore.”

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

Corellians were a stubborn folk, and Allyson was Corellian through and through. She knew exactly where she had gone wrong and knew that everything she did was the opposite of what Kaili wanted. Something inside the woman needed to be out there something drove her to continue to fight, ignoring the desires of the one person that mattered. Was it because she was young and stupid? Or was it something more deeply rooted in her mind? Allyson didn’t have the answer, and she didn’t expect Kaili to either. Yet, she stood there still dumbfounded at the revelation. ​

The world continued to crumble around her. The safety room that Allyson had created in her mind was falling apart like the rest of her mind. Instinctively she wanted to grasp out towards Kaili, beg her to make everything go back to how it was - she didn’t want to experience what came next. Conversations, laughter, sorrow - everything that their relationship was, echoed around her. Each word she knew where and when it happened as if it was yesterday. Her thumb played at her ring finger, forgetting the makeshift ring she had made had been long gone. ​

The one conversation that Allyson always wanted to forget began to scream at her. This was about when Allyson still found a way to wake herself up, she avoided this moment like the plague and consistently made herself forget it. This moment was where she messed up, the moment she should have fought harder, made the promises, and kept them. Instead, the Corellian let her walk away. Kaili’s words echoed in her mind, and she watched as the woman in front of her lowered her gaze. ​

“No. No. No, no, no, please, Kaili don’t do this to me, to us.” Allyson repeated the words she said that day. They were burned into her mind no matter how much she tried to forget. Arms wrapped around the woman as tears stained her face. She hoped that if she held onto the memory tight enough that everything would just end up being a nightmare. That she would wake up, and Kaili would be there beside her. Allyson would have made the right choice, she would have left the war behind her and walked beside Kaili as she had always wanted. ​

They would have a beautiful life, far from the conflict, hiding away on the planet where they were free. All Allyson wanted was to return to the time when they could fall asleep under the stars of Kiara. “Kaili, please don’t do this to me. Give me another chance, please. I can’t, you can’t leave me. I need you, just one more…” ​

It was always just one more. ​

Panic set in, and Allyson thought to do what she assumed the other girl wanted. Holding the blonde’s face, so gently, Allyson pressed her lips against hers. Hoping that this time it was a nightmare and nothing more. Despite her desires for the past with a future that never would happen. Her heart skipped, remembering her reality and who was there and who brought the same feelings she had with Kaili back. ​

At this moment, she wanted Kaili.​

Kaili Talith​

 

[Kaili Talith]

It was a stale cold that beset them both as Allyson forcefully pressed her lips against the unwilling apparition of loss. There was no response, nothing given in return for what Allyson had so desperately wished for. All there was in that very moment was Allyson, the illusion of her past, and the void that housed them.

“She gave you more chances than you deserved.” The voice of Kaili whispered under her breath as they separated. “How many times did you break her heart, again? When was she supposed to draw the line? You died, she had felt every single gasp of air as you suffocated in space, and she still waited for you to come back home.”

“Sweetheart, please.” A barely audible whisper, a whimper, echoed to the backdrop of a stable heart rate monitor. “Wake up.”

“Oh, I— yes, of course. Arisa, the Jedi envoy, right?” Echoed another.

“Did you know that your handler specifically instructed her not to interfere with your recovery? To let you regain your memories by yourself as if that would have made it easier for you.” The illusion shook its head.

“... and he says you might never get them back if I try it.”

“Please, just come back to me.”

“Hey, Allyson. What's new?” Her voice was cautious, fearful of the answer. And yet the rift echoed, it burned, and it inflamed the very air around them before it ignited into an inferno of questions just like it.

“Do you know why I have brought you here?” The shadow of Kaili asked Allyson. Before the Corellian was able to answer the blonde would slowly put her arms out before her to reveal the bright luminescent shackles that kept her restrained to this place.

“It is time.”

Allyson Locke

 

[Allyson Locke]

Pulling away from the kiss, she sighed. She tried every time, but nothing changed when she did. There was nothing returned, and Allyson knew it. Hands fell from the blonde's face as the Corellian used them to bury her face into. Why couldn't she wake up from this? Why was she torturing herself with this nightmare? Word once more eviscerated her as Kaili spoke, reminding her of what she had done during that time. Her amnesia and death had caused such a rift between them. ​

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Time after time, Kaili forgave her and stood by her side. The girl would wait for her, and Allyson always promised just one more, and she'll always come back. Constantly she asked the blonde to put her life on hold, to just wait for her to save the universe. It was too late when Allyson realized her world was right in front of her. Tears blurred her vision as she looked up, confusion written on her face when the memory spoke of the SIS, asking the woman she loved to not explain their lives together. "What?" This was news to her, but her subconscious had picked up on it during the time Kaili talked to her when she was comatose. ​

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Hands falling from her face, she looked at the figure before her and shook her head. "I had no idea if I did - if you would have told me after all of that - things could have been different, they would have been different. Kaili, why didn't you say anything!" Her words continued as she stepped back, this was new. Allyson tilted her head slightly, raising an eyebrow. "No, I --" The shackles, they were what kept the woman here. "Kaili." It was all she could say, for the time being, she sighed softly at the chains. ​

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"You want to be free." Allyson held the chain that bound the shackles around the woman's arms. Eyes following and seeing how tightly bound Kaili's memory was inside of her mind. Letting go was something Allyson was never good at, maybe it was why her mind was full of all the bonds her covers made even if by accident. She felt too many people in her heart, but the one she always kept close was her first. ​

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"I've held on to you for what feels like a lifetime. I always hoped that maybe - maybe I could find you again." She didn't dare look at her, Allyson couldn't bear it. "I never stopped looking for you, you know that? I searched everywhere I could follow, but I was always too late, or my hunch was wrong. I always felt you when you were happy when you were sad - when…" Allyson felt her lip quiver as she tried to hold back the tears, remembering the nights she felt some of the darkest times in her old flame's life. "I felt when you were in pain. It destroyed me knowing I couldn't do anything to make it better, I failed the one thing I sought out. I failed to protect you…" Letting the chains go, she felt something heavy in her pocket. Reaching in, she pulled it out and saw the key, "I used to be able to see what you saw, I was able to see you, but as time went on and with the distance, I couldn't see you anymore. Its why I created this in my mind, why you exist here. It was the only place where I could go home." The key slowly made its way into the first shackle, as it twisted unlocking the first binding, Allyson felt the first knife in her heart. Her body, her physical body, choked as the pain of what was happening started to crush her heart. Allyson continued, she had to let go. ​

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The first shackle fell from Kaili's arm, and Allyson moved to the next, "When I felt you were in the most pain, I did my best to send you comfort and love. I wanted you to know in those dark times that there was someone out there that loved you more than life itself." The key entered and twisted, "I wanted you to know that you weren't alone, even when it felt like you were." ​

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The pain increased, and Allyson felt her physical body begin to fight whatever was happening, but as the last shackle fell from the Talith girl's arm, Allyson fell to her knees. "And because I love you - I have to say goodbye. I have to let you go; please be okay, Kaili. All I ever wanted for you was to be happy. I realize now that if I'm ever going to be able to feel what I felt with you with anyone. I need to do this, I have to. I'm so sorry Kaili - I wish I could do it all over again. I would do it right." ​

Kaili Talith ​

 

[Kaili Talith]

Allyson Locke

The shackles came off, and with it the shadow of a memory slowly knelt down against the ground before Allyson as she explained herself. The fires continued to burn as the inferno swallowed piece for piece of what had remained in Allyson’s mind. She understood that in many ways she already had found Kaili once before, but it was a long time ago. The Kaili that Allyson had met and the one that she had left behind weren’t the same anymore. One of them had been a destroyed mess, and the other was a complete person who was dealing with more than she had been capable of.

The pain that Kaili held was not Allyson’s to bear, and perhaps she had known this all along. Kaili didn’t want Allyson to carry the weight of her burdens. The whole point was to let Allyson live out the life she had desired without worry. The blonde was a variable that complicated the life she thought Allyson wanted more than the one that they had shared, and that was the real pain that she had felt.

But it was too late to go back now, and they both knew that. One of them had known it from the start, and the other was only now waking up to the smell of their ashes. The tree that they had planted all those years ago still stood firm in the remnants of a burnt down forest like a blossoming cherry tree in the midst of the darkness and destruction that had slowly consumed the inner reaches of Allyson’s mind. It’s petals strewn to the wind with a white-pink cascade of colors that bathed the entire scene in a light that didn’t seem to belong.

But this was the natural course of things. From the tree grew fruit, and from the fruit came seeds. What Allyson and Kaili had would not die, but instead from it there would be more. At the moment it was a wasteland of pain and guilt, but with time it would have the chance to grow into a verdant forest full of more than just the love that the two of them had shared. This release was not an end, it was a beginning, and despite what Allyson might have thought - it was going to be the basis upon which she would find the stability she needed.

Because memories like these do not die. The bond had been a crutch, worn down to it’s last fibre before it was snapped by the Corellian woman at her own hands. The shackles that had come off, while heavy would ease a burden that she might not even have known was there. It was the weight of her past, the few reminders that kept her tethered and forced to look back as opposed to ahead.

This was what Kaili had wanted from the start. This was why she hadn’t wanted Allyson to find her.

The shadow of Kaili began to slowly fade before Allyson. From behind her back she pulled out a dagger as bright as the shackles that had kept her in place while her hand grasped at the Corellian’s shoulder to pull her in close.

“Oh Allyson,” The ghost whispered with a low, pitiful voice as the blade was placed against Allyson’s chest. “The hardest thing in life is to let go of the ones we love.”

And with that, the Apparition slowly sunk the dagger through the other woman’s heart with a twist, her lips extending to meet with Allyson’s one last time before the inevitable end came for them both. From the bright, flashing pain that seared into Allyson’s chest something new began to take shape, one final gift before the two parted ways for the last time.

A vision.

An olive skinned hand grabbed a firm hold of a metal sink. A pained gasp for air hissed around the small enclosed space as the other hand grabbed at her chest. Panic spread across the system while the other woman’s shoulders rose and sunk at an increasingly rapid pace. Stammering, ragged breaths continued to hiss into the small bathroom as whoever was on the other side looked into the palm of their hands trying to figure out what the hell was going on. The worn, calloused skin of her hands flipped from side to side as balance began to give way. With her elbow placed as firm as she could manage against the sink her eyes shot up towards the mirror on the wall.

And there Allyson would see it, the idea that had always been there, buried beneath the surface as soon as she had caught a glimpse of her. Amea was in pain and in a state of complete terror. Despite her best efforts to remain standing it seemed as if it was growing increasingly difficult to maintain. Although she appeared to be someone else the sparkle in her eyes was still there. The little reminder that she didn’t know about gave away who she truly was for those that tried to find it, almost as if she herself had little to no idea who she was.

A thud echoed across both their minds as Amea’s body fell to the floor. She tried to reach out for the ceiling as if to force her body to rise up again but it was all in vain. The vision faded along with Amea’s consciousness, and with it Allyson was once more truly and inescapably alone. A cold breeze blew across the wasteland of her mind as the lone cherry tree that now stood before her where Kaili had once sat offered one final ray of light before it much like everything else faded into the dark and Allyson fell into unconsciousness yet again.

Although the bond was broken, it would never be forgotten.